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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

this is what happened last night

74 replies

booyhoo · 25/09/2010 11:53

a mums for dinner, getting ready to go. it was 9pm.

ME: ds1 put your jacket on, we're ready to go now.
DS1: no
ME: come on, jacket on, it's very cold outside and you have no jumper.
DS1: noooo, i don't want to put it on.
My MUM: stop shouting at him, he doesn't want to put it on. (there was no shouting, just me saying what i said in a no-nonsense tone)
ME: I'm not shouting, i am telling him to put his coat on
MUM: well, he's alright, he doesn't have to pu it on if he doesn't want to.
DS1: granny says i don't have to.
ME: alright then granny can sort you out from now on, there's no point me saying anything because i just get undermined everytime i open my mouth.

she rolls eyes. now the thing that pissed me off was that she nows how hard i have been working with ds since EXP left last month. ds seems to think that now dad's not here he can say no as many times as he likes and there won't be any consequences (there are now, but before, EXp would have been more stern than I) Mum knows he has been acting out and pushing the boundaries, she knows i am trying very hard to let him know that i am the end of the line when it comes to discipline and there will be no leeway.

so was she or I UR?

OP posts:

MaMoTTaT · 26/09/2010 11:46

oh no Mumcentre - my DS's know why they're cold, wet and shivering, but they still wouldn't put the jacket on as I think in their mind they think that it's them backing down.

diddl · 26/09/2010 12:08

What a fuss about a coat!

Ideally, mother shouldn´t have butted in, but at 5, they get handed the coat-which they put on or carry, especially when the car is outside the house!

cumfy · 26/09/2010 15:02

Seems like your no nonsense tone = shouting:)

Had the engine in fact cooled down in 2 hrs to make it uncomfortably cold for any period ?

On the other hand DS would not have known this, and even though it was past his bedtime perhaps could have been more well-behaved for his mum.

cumfy · 26/09/2010 15:09

What a fuss about a coat!

You would really like to see some fuss about a coat diddl ?

artydeb · 26/09/2010 15:20

YANBU in very similar situation and I've found the DC's really push my boundaries. My mum has done very similar undermining things and TBH it's not so much about the coat as the appreciating a bit of back up (and recognition of the bigger situation you are in) and needing DC to just do what he's told. Very exhausting and frustrating when there's an argument over every single thing and then nan says it's fine - which hardly encourages a bit of compliance next time!

PinkieMinx · 26/09/2010 15:31

Oh why did you link that cumfy - I feel violated - just wasted half hour (that I will never get back) reading that insane coat drivel - was SO FUNNY

diddl · 26/09/2010 15:31

Oh yes, cumfy-that quite puts this in perspective

The thing is I do think that some people think that they are trying to diffuse a potential situation & are helping.

I don´t think it´s always done to undermine tbh.

cumfy · 26/09/2010 16:02

Apologies PinkieMinx, quite right where are those ?

Its a bit like I'd imagine crack to be-- horrible and addictive in equal measure.

slimmingworldmum · 26/09/2010 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Casserole · 26/09/2010 20:32

YANBU.

Original poster

booyhoo · 26/09/2010 21:41

well, something else happened this evening and i have just decided to take a step back from my mum, maybe a couple of steps. it just sort of hit me tonight that she really does interfere way to much in my life. and she wont ever stop so I'm going to have to stop it.

thank you all for the advice. as i said, it really wasn't about the coat more the complete undermining of me. and i really wasn't shouting I'm not a shouty mum.

OP posts:

PinkieMinx · 26/09/2010 21:48

It would be sad if this had a detrimental effect on your relationship though. Just take the higher ground.('Making standard assumptions' disclaimer for next bit) I'm sure your mum loves you and is not undermining you to hurt you. She probably just adores her grandson so much she can't stop being an interfering auld bat 'helping'

Appletrees · 26/09/2010 21:50

she wasn't in an argument about the coat he said no, then she said come on it's cold out that is hardly an argument

yanbu completely, your mum was noxious

Original poster

booyhoo · 26/09/2010 21:51

that's he thing pinkie. she can't help it 'helping' and even when i point out that, i am an adult with my own thoughts and opinions she does the eye roll and says something like "I'm only trying to help but you do your own thing, you always did" which says it all really. she just doesn't respect me as an adult and if i don't take this step back we wil end up falling out.

OP posts:

PinkieMinx · 26/09/2010 22:02

My DF still sees me as a moody teenager. Loads of comments about me 'always being late', 'terrible in the mornings' - yeah, just ignore my career or the fact I get up early EVERY morning for DC. When DD poked DF in the eye today and I said 'it's not nice to do that to people' - he immediatley jumped in with 'it's OK, leave her alone' Err NO it's not OK - you don't mind but other children will & (more to the point) I mind!!

Think there's always that child thing with a parent - I can't imagine the day I will view DC as anything other than a DC!!

Bathsheba · 26/09/2010 22:11

Not read the other answers because I'vw had a lot of wine...

My BIL once listened to my DNephew rather than my Sister and "let him off" with wearing what HE wanted to wear rather than what the "adult" wanted him to wear.

He spent a dayout, he got hypothermia...

We live in Scotland, its very cold a lot of the time

I'm very very concious of that.

The door doesn't open or the car doesn;t move until people are properly dressed for the conditions.

Original poster

booyhoo · 26/09/2010 22:18

and another thing i realised tonight is that if you are saying something my mum doesn't want to hear. you are shouting/being sarcastic/cheeky/ or she even said to my dad tonight "we don't really care" (speaking for herself but making out it was all of us that weren't interested)

OP posts:

PinkieMinx · 26/09/2010 22:32

I had some counselling recently and a lot of DF stuff came up - the counsellor pointed out that DF probably had trouble talking to me like an adult as he had never really become one himself. Sounds like my DF & your DM have some things in common

Original poster

booyhoo · 26/09/2010 22:44

yep, it sounds like it. very frustrating isn't it? you think when you are an adult you are your own person but they still have a hold over you.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 26/09/2010 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LastOrdersAgain · 26/09/2010 23:37

I could've written this thread... My mum is the Undermine Queen

Original poster

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 09:37

tsc, that is why i need to step away from her. i don't want ds to be in a situation where he can play us off against each other.

OP posts:

cidre · 27/09/2010 09:52

Ah, Pinkie, your post hits notes with me. Am 40 plus, married, 2 dd's but my DF still talks to me as the rebellious (sp?) teenager I was. Is frustrating.
So far he does not undermine me, sis does, but THAT would be whole other thread...

thesecondcoming · 27/09/2010 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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