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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be completely saddened by the effects of paedo-hysteria?

88 replies

LadyBiscuit · 24/09/2010 21:33

I have a lovely, lovely friend in his early 60s who was stepfather to two boys and his partner left for another man which left him broken hearted (as much for the children who he was very fond of as the partner).

He is a lovely, lovely kind and witty man who has a disability (MS) which has aged him far faster than he deserves.

He asked me today if he could send my DS some toys and said how much he treasured my trust in him. I was a bit WTF but he said he has had so many incidents of women thinking he's 'interested' in their children if he talks and smiles to them that he doesn't dare to any more. It's so very sad, he's a lovely, lovely man with a disability and he is becoming more and more isolated because he is worried people will mistrust his motives.

It breaks my heart :(

OP posts:
NestaFiesta · 24/09/2010 21:40

YANBU. It is very sad, but what to do?

2shoes · 24/09/2010 21:41

yanbu

Original poster
LadyBiscuit · 24/09/2010 21:42

Massive overuse of the word lovely in my OP. Sorry.

I don't know what can be done but it makes me so very sad.

OP posts:
BellasFormerFriend · 24/09/2010 21:43

Ok, I see what you are saying in principle but how does he know that all these women think that? Have they all said it to him or is he drawing his own conclusions? How much of this is his fear that this is what they are thinking and how much is reality?

cupcakesandbunting · 24/09/2010 21:43

YANBU

I blew up at my mum about this awful paedo paranoia that seems to be sweeping the nation. It sucks that people can't just be nice for the sake of being nice anymore, there has to be a sinister motive. It's shit.

PinkieMinx · 24/09/2010 21:46

YANBU - my DF loves children, he gets lots of 'step away weirdo' looks when he smiles or says hello.

I so wish people would get a grip - the chances of being attacked are so small compared to the chances of meeting a nice person who thinks your child is lovely.

I couldn't photograph my DD on her first swim, I probably won't be able to video her first school play - hysteria is spoiling it for anyone wanting to enjoy children and their childhoods.

Original poster
LadyBiscuit · 24/09/2010 21:47

He's had women shrieking at their children to get away from him when he's talked to them when he's in his front garden (he is a very keen gardener). I think it's not just his age and the fact that he's a single man but the fact that he is obviously disabled and all the fear that some people have of that too. Like there is something wrong with his head because he can't walk properly

OP posts:
cupcakesandbunting · 24/09/2010 21:48

The worst case of a parent projecting their paedo paranoia onto their kid was on holiday in Menorca a few years back. A mother made her DD (about 4) keep her towelling kaftan on over her costume because "there's probberly peedos all over the place avin a gud perv"

Euch.

AgentZigzag · 24/09/2010 21:55

The chances of being attacked are small, yes, but what's at stake is such a huge thing (ie that you and your DC are possibly being groomed) that it makes the risk much bigger in your head.

To get the message across that there are men like this about, 'they' have had to advertise it loudly so everyone knows, and it's for this reason that I don't blame anyone for asking the question 'is this man genuinely interested in me'.

It is sad, but the alternative is not having that information widely available and the kind of men who are like that are able to carry on their secretive, devious and manipulative behaviour.

BellasFormerFriend · 24/09/2010 22:13

So he doesn't know it is that then? I have never seen or heard anyone shrieking at their children although I have, myself, called to my children to come away from someone. Not because I think that person is bad in any way but because I do not want my young children getting mixed messages about who they can or cannot talk to and under what circumstances. Young children cannot differentiate and need clear rules.

For me the rules (wrt strangers) are that they do not talk to a stranger unless I am also talking to them and I am there at that time. My older children are capable of telling the difference between saying hi to the person they see at the shop each week and chatting merrily to a person who they have never seen before, my young children don't.

Honestly I feel that it is equally sad that this hysteria leads everyone to second guess each other - not only the parents but also people like this who assume that everyone is thinking "perv" when it is quite possible no-one has ever thought that about him.

Zigzag is right though, the potential cost is too big to be ignored and does skew the reaction to the risk, it is terribly hard to get the balance right but, like it or not, I would far rather upset an adult than risk my children wither directly by that incident or indirectly by my children learning or unlearning IYSWIM.

tethersend · 24/09/2010 22:14

Agree with Agent. I would rather have one child saved from abuse and countless adults' hurt feelings than a return to how it used to be when children who told of abuse were not believed.

Nice old men do abuse children. As do young ones. The idea that paedophiles are easily identifiable is what is harmful IMO- along with the idea that the danger to children is from strangers waiting to snatch them. The vast majority of sexual abuse happens within the family.

FallingWithStyle · 24/09/2010 22:21

He's had women screech at their children to get away from him??

Well obviously that's sad but really, how commonplace do you think that type of behaviour is?

I cant imagine anyone I know - or have EVER known - do that. Not disputing it's happened, if you/he says it happens then it happens. I just believe it must be very rare and he's been particularly unlucky.

I do think there is a general scepticism of people though - not just men, I think a lot of people forget how to interact with strangers.

prettybird · 24/09/2010 22:27

I think it is really sad that children can no longer meet "new" people for fear that they "might" be a paedophile.

Far better that parents keep an active involvement: in the case of young kids, don't call them away from talking to a guy talking to them from a garden but go across and talk to him (or her) yourself; in the case of an older child, make sure that they are aware of any adult who makes them feel unconfortable and who tells them to keep secrets from other adults/their parents - and instead tell their parents/other adults.

To expand tethersend's point - which I don't beleive is logical - most abuse does happen within the family - so why demonise acts of kindness like those descrbied by the OP's friend? Why not get to know the guy (or gal) yourself and then make your own assessment. Rather than hermetically sealing children into a circle of known friends and family and (taking the logic of "most abuse within the family" to its logical conclusion) thereby making them more vulnerable to abuse Hmm

YANBU.

Pan · 24/09/2010 22:33

everything that tethersend said. Men who abuse children have absolutely no 'profile'. Incidently, men with disabilities ARE over-represented in the offending group. ( nothing against your friend in particular)

tethersend · 24/09/2010 22:33

Sorry if my point seems illogical- I am glad that people know that abuse happens. The pay off is overreaction- but this is a pay off which I think is worthwhile. Does that make it a little clearer? I think I jumped all over the place in that last post...

BellasFormerFriend · 24/09/2010 22:35

Prettybird, sorry but I think you are wrong. Whilst I agree that it is a good thing to talk to people, get to know them etc that approach will not stop me calling my children away. I want them to talk to people with me, not ahead of me. Therefore I would call them away, I could then go and talk to the person if i wanted to but on my terms not those of my young and unaware dc.

As for the fact it is more likely to be family members etc, yes, that is true but it is not the situation being discussed here, this op is about peoples reaction to a stranger. the rules within family/friends are obviously different to those with strangers.

Pan · 24/09/2010 22:38

pedant's moment - the hysteria means it doesn't get spelt correctly as well! "Peado-"

BellasFormerFriend · 24/09/2010 22:41

Luckily the world hasn't yet imploded because of an a and e getting mixed up... Biscuit

Pan · 24/09/2010 22:43

not yet.Grin

BellasFormerFriend · 24/09/2010 22:47

I suppose there is still time!

Heracles · 25/09/2010 01:33

How does he know? Maybe he reads MN...

prozacfairy · 25/09/2010 07:19

YANBU so many otherwise sensible people seem to be totally paranoid about this. It's worse when I have heard really small children being told to be on their guard for child molesters.

I was in Asda carpark few months ago when a little girl of about 5 came running across the car park without looking for oncoming traffic- and nearly got hit by a car. Her mum grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her hard and yelled "Oh My God! What are you doing?! I told you to stay in the car til I got the trolley! Why did you run across to me like that? There could be kiddy fiddlers about!"

Shock Couldn't believe it literally. If my DD had done that she'd have a long lecture about running around car parks and how dangerous that is.

Bloodymary · 25/09/2010 07:41

Shock to the above. That is unbelievable.
Car park = moving cars, not 'kiddy fiddlers'
What a horrible thing to say to a child anyway.

PinkieMinx · 25/09/2010 07:47

Yes - the risk of fiddlers is much higher in an ASDA car park than that of cars Hmm Confused What a stupid woman!

annec555 · 25/09/2010 07:57

I agree with Prettybird about reacting appropriately. I remember years ago going shopping with my grandfather - I was about 19 and he was sitting on a bench outside a shop waiting for me. As I was coming out of the shop a small girl wandered up to him and started chatting - for some reason small children always loved my grandad. Her mother came haring over and started having a go at the child in front of my grandad, saying things like "you don't know who he is - he could be up to anything". My grandad was absolutely mortified and distressed. Needless to say she got both barrels from me and did finish up apologising and saying that she was trying to stop the child talking to strangers. All she had to do was come over, smile at my grandad and say something like "Now what have we said about talking to strangers. I am sure this man would agree" or just politely take her away and tell her privately.
Apart from anything else, if the parent always runs over screeching and flapping, how is the child ever going to learn to deal appropriately with situations which arise? The child needs to be gradually taught the skills to respond in a balanced and normal manner, but still remove themselves from a situation where they are approached by someone they don't know.