Am I justified in hating my (D)P at the moment?

[boxyboxy]

I really need to get this off my chest as I haven't been able to talk about this to anyone but my sister and I really need to try and get my head around this. Basically earlier this year my P agreed that we would try for a baby this september. Thene during the summer he changed his mind wanting to wait utnil next septemb her. I am 38 and we have an 18month old girl now. For many many emotional, practical, financial, career-based reasons I desperately want to start trying now. We have talked long and hard, done research into fertility and ageing, talked to doctors etc and he said he was nearly 100% sure he didn't want to try now but he would still think about it.

Anyway the other day we were having very intimate sex, and he hadn't put a condom (our normal contraception) on. I reminded him to put one on, but he just looked into my eyes and smiled and carried on, I asked again was he sure, same thing. So I thought my god he's changed his mind, fantastic, esp as I am at right time in cycle etc, and he knows that too. Then at the crucial moment he pulled out. I was so shocked and upset that went into a kind of daze and just walked out of the room in tears, needless to say. When I came back in, still in tears, he was really angry, and basically acting like a complete prick that night and following day.
A couple of days later he apologised but can't/won't tell me why he did it. I've explained how it made me feel, but even though he has acknowledged how insensitive it was of him, i still have so much resentment against him because of it. I feel utterly belittled and completely violated in every way, the thought of having sex with him again makes me feel sick. He won't talk about it any more as he says he's apologised and I should just leave it.

I'd love to get some thougths, opinions, reactions to this to try and work my way through it.

"He won't talk about it any more as he says he's apologised and I should just leave it."

It's not that simple, though, is it? Surely you have known one another long and intimately enough to expect a bit more than just an apology and to then be told to get over it. Lack of communication and consideration is a very important issue.

I think hating him is probably a bit strong. I also think what he did was pretty damn insensitive but perhaps in the moment he'd forgotten what unprotected sex could lead to, and then he suddenly remembered and had doubts. Unfortunately (under the circs) it still has the potential to result in pg, as the withdrawal method is notoriously unreliable.

You have large problems that need to be resolved before you even consider having another child with this man - and he needs to talk to you, not block it out and dismiss your feelings. He's obviously not comfortable with the whole situation - perhaps you should suggest Relate or something.

Goodness. Hate's probably a bit strong but I would be very angry, hurt and confused too.

I think the two of you need to sit down and talk this through properly, with sex nowhere near on the agenda at the time. With someone else, if needs be. What are his reasons for wanting to wait?

I can understand that for you at 38, it feels like there is an urgency to this. I don't think that means you automatically get to "win" (I'm not suggesting you're saying that) because of the age factor, but it IS a factor and you need to know that in HIS reasoning, he's taken it seriously.

What a hurtful and confusing thing for him to do! I'm with the others here, you need to work this out before starting to try for another baby, possibly through relationship counselling.

Fucking hell.

Either he was in the throes and being utterly thoughtless because of that, or he is playing (very chilling and controlling) games with you.

I really hope it's the former.

I don't really know what to suggest, because I doubt he will accomodate any more talk about this now it's a 'closed subject'.

Actually the more I think about this, the worse it gets. He must have been aware of what he was doing because you asked him twice if he was sure.

What Prudnglad said...that sounds like control to me. sorry for you....

So, it's a closed subject because... he says it is? No matter that it's still an issue for you?
That's what would hack me off.

And has he given his reasons for not wanting to try for another child yet? Are there commitment issues? Is he concerned about finances or job security? Did he have problems bonding first time round, or did he feel pushed out and separated emotionally from you after she was born? Otherwise, it does all seem odd, particularly in view of your age.

Hope you manage to resolve this one.

That is fucking awful and I can totally see who you are so hurt. It sounds like you can't manage to wait another year. You should tell him that his decision has left your relationship in tatters. I think he needs to be aware of this.

Oh my god you must leave him at once and phone the police and the solicitor and change the locks and get your passport and leave the country and phone the daily mail.

kick him in the f*cking nads and tell him to jog on.

Hully, how sensitive. And hilarious.

Hi thanks for all replies.... we are going to see a therapist - but I wanted it to be one of DP's choosing, as the last one we saw when I was ill (ante-natal depression) he was very dismissive of. So he's in the process of finding one.

Clam - he didn't at all have bonding issues, in fact, he's the stereotypical doting daddy. The reason he wants to wait for another baby is because he's doing his doctorate at the mo, and wants to wait til that's finished - fair enough, except the end date keeps getting pushed further and further. It was originailly meant to be end of this year, and now the other day there was mention of Feb 2012. by which time if I get pregnant first go, I will be 41 having the baby. I know he's scared I will get AND again, but I got that from being made redundant at 5 monmths pregnant last time/.

And yes, I don't hate him, but I am deeply resentful, hurt and confused.

He does have the control where discussing things are concerned, as if I were to push him, he would walk out, turn off the phone and go and stay at his parents. He does this regularly. I've tried explaining that it makes me reallhy insecure, but he says he needs his head-space when things get difficult.

God, the more I write, the more I realise that this relationship is in total bits. However that doesn't stop me from wanting another child. It would be hard, but I know I could do it myself. But sadly I don't see how I could make that happen.

Wanting another child is such a strong drive, I know that personally at the moment, but please don't let it override the need for you and your partner to get some help, or cloud your judgement. Your partner sounds very emotionally controlling and I think you are doing the right thing getting some support, hopefully it will help him see that his behaviour is pretty fucking shite at the moment, and (on a more touchy-feely level) work out what the hell he can do to change his controlling ways.

Hmm, your last post changes things a lot.

I think your AND might well be what is frightening him so much. He probably felt totally out of control. Maybe he's even punishing you for what you 'put him through'??

Also you have jumped to 'I just want another child, I can do it without him'. That's very unfair on him, it's literally like nicking his sperm! Do you really want to be with him or do you just want to have another baby?

This may be completely out of order but I don't think you should consider having another child at all while you feel your relationship is "in total bits" - it's not just you that you have to consider, it's your DC as well - it's a lot to deal with when you're very little.

When I read your first post I though YANBU.

After reading your second I'd say you and your 'd'p definitely need some form of counselling.

He was out or order doing what he did, especially after you'd asked him was he sure twice. Refusing to talk about it when he knows it's still an issue for you isn't good either.

Yes and horribly unfair to your dc too. I think you have stopped thinking clearly and need to really take stock.

He's actually not normally a controlling person at all, usually laid back, and I've found myself to the one who instigates most things - when we go on holiday, when we have friends over, when we go out (practically never) etc. It's a position i'm not comfortable with and have discussed with him that it would be great if he could "drive" from time to time. Perhaps this is an area where he feels he can exercise his control, and is just going a bit overboard.

He comes from a family where they NEVER ever ever talk about feelings or discuss problems/ The carpet is up to the ceiling with the amount of stuff swept under it. He is getting better at talking, but it's not an overnight change, so the more tricky the subject the less likely a discussion.

i wouldn't read that much into his motives during the sex, but you definitely need to convince him that your fertility is not on his doctorate's schedule.

Anyone who has had trouble conceiving would be issuing a strong warning to not count on a baby on demand.

Is he ok if you guys don't end up having another child? Because that is the course he is setting you on at the moment.

I haven't told him that I want another baby without him. I would infinitely prefer for us to be together. When the relationship's going well it's great.

PROUD - you are dead right in that the AND was frightening for him as it was very bad. I also hear what you are saying about "putting him through it". It must have been dreadful for him. I carry a lot of guilt about it. HOwever all the doctors, midwives, family all told me at the time and reminded me ever since about how awful it was for him. In fact I get very little sympathy about how awful it was for me. I was cutting mysefl and suicidal, in mental hosp for 2 months. But I DIDN'T ask for AND, i didn't want it, I didn't do anything tto deserve it. Life gave it to me, and I had to suffer as well.

Chandellina - he says he definitely wants another child.

Unfortunately it seems impossible to find a compromise. He feels I'm asking too much of him and vice versa.

I just cant bear the thought of leaving it that long and then not being able to conceive. and how would I be able to not resent him in that case?
Less importantly - the longer I leave it, the longer it will be before I can try and resurrect my career, which is pretty much dead now anyway. It's not vital I know, but was a very important part of my life.
Also I am eligible for maternity benefit in 2011 but not after. just a financnial consideration, which does matter in a way.

Boxy, the reason I put inverted commas around 'putting him through it' was to show that he may be angry for what he feels you put him through and therefore punishing you.

I did not mean to negate or underplay what you went through, it sounds awful and I am very sorry you suffered like that.

It was scary for him but terrifying for you.

I think there are layers and layers of issues here. I understand your panic at not wanting to leave it too late. But to be honest, you will be in hotter water if you get pg without his support or even consent without addressing all these things.

x

Thanks Proud. sorry if I sounded like i was having a go at you, definitly not intended. I 'm not going to get pg without his consent. Wouldn't dream of it. It probably doesn't sound like it from this thread, but I actually do respect him, and love him.

What he did was cruel. I'd be mighty pissed off if that happened and if DP had the balls to be angry about it, I'd be even more pissed off!

If he has said he doesn't want a child, he has to be responsible and use contraception! He does know there's sperm floating around BEFORE he ejaculates, right? And whether he wascarried away or not, he didn't lose his mind.

I suspect that a therapist/counsellor would find what he did worrying, and ask him about that in detail. Make the most of the time with the counsellor: mediation is really the best method when you have problems communicating.

As for your AND - it's really not something people should hold over you. Many people don't understand depression: nobody chooses it, and it's difficult to control.