Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I justified in hating my (D)P at the moment?

60 replies

boxyboxy · 24/09/2010 13:52

I really need to get this off my chest as I haven't been able to talk about this to anyone but my sister and I really need to try and get my head around this. Basically earlier this year my P agreed that we would try for a baby this september. Thene during the summer he changed his mind wanting to wait utnil next septemb her. I am 38 and we have an 18month old girl now. For many many emotional, practical, financial, career-based reasons I desperately want to start trying now. We have talked long and hard, done research into fertility and ageing, talked to doctors etc and he said he was nearly 100% sure he didn't want to try now but he would still think about it.

Anyway the other day we were having very intimate sex, and he hadn't put a condom (our normal contraception) on. I reminded him to put one on, but he just looked into my eyes and smiled and carried on, I asked again was he sure, same thing. So I thought my god he's changed his mind, fantastic, esp as I am at right time in cycle etc, and he knows that too. Then at the crucial moment he pulled out. I was so shocked and upset that went into a kind of daze and just walked out of the room in tears, needless to say. When I came back in, still in tears, he was really angry, and basically acting like a complete prick that night and following day.
A couple of days later he apologised but can't/won't tell me why he did it. I've explained how it made me feel, but even though he has acknowledged how insensitive it was of him, i still have so much resentment against him because of it. I feel utterly belittled and completely violated in every way, the thought of having sex with him again makes me feel sick. He won't talk about it any more as he says he's apologised and I should just leave it.

I'd love to get some thougths, opinions, reactions to this to try and work my way through it.

OP posts:
BarmyArmy · 24/09/2010 16:32

I think you need to think about whether you want another child per se or whether you want one with him. I appreciate things are confusing and tricky for you right now but it doesn't sound as though you are in the right place together to try for a baby right now.

nomedoit · 24/09/2010 16:35

Quite honestly, your DP sounds a pain in the arse. Switching off his phone and heading back to his parents when things get tough is both immature and very controlling. You can't assert yourself in the relationship over difficult issues because if you do he will walk out. Could that in any way have contributed to your depression?

I do think he has control issues and I don't think the bedroom incident was co-incidental. Whether it was conscious or subconscious on his part is another question. This trying for a baby is the major bone of contention in your relationship and he's making sure he holds all the cards.

Original poster
boxyboxy · 24/09/2010 16:54

Mahraih - thanks for your words re AND. unfortunatley DP is often throwing back at me what i said and did at the time, in rows. He says it's ok to say things like that in rows, but i can't help but feel like, although i'm better now, that it will never be over and done with.

NOmedoit, no it wasn't his behaviour that contributed to AND.. I had had a very stressful and difficult year, and on top of it all got made redundant at 5 months pg. The trauma of it was too much for me to cope with. Pretty sure I would have had some kind of breakdown even if I wasn't pg, but being pg made it worse, and caused a lot of anxiety in with the AND.

OP posts:
quiddity · 24/09/2010 16:58

It took me a long time to figure out just how controlling my XP was because he was so laid back about things he didn't care about. But there was absolutely no compromise when he did.
I'm not saying your DP is controlling/abusive, just pointing out that the air of being laid-back can be misleading.

Original poster
boxyboxy · 24/09/2010 17:03

True - quiddity - He can be quite stubborn. He tends to let things build up and up and then has a massive explosion, leaves and takes ages to cool down after. He had a row with his dad about the farm once and bought a ticket and moved to australia within 3 days.

OP posts:
FindingMyMojo · 24/09/2010 17:19

if he didn't put a condom on, why on earth would you tell him to halfway though sex? He wears the condoms, he puts them on (or not), he doesn't want a baby, so leave him to it.

You might get a happy accident and it will be all his 'fault'. Clearly he wants condom free sex with you but no pregnancy. As he knows how you feel this is completely unfair.

I'd stop telling him when your fertile time is also - he can work it out if he really wants to know. You are 38 - not wearing a condom and having sex with you = consent in my book? Come on you hardly expect him to say "Yes tonight if we conceive I consent", or "I choose not to wear a condom but I'm not consenting to you getting pregnant" are you? That's plain daft. Unprotected sex = risk of pregnancy. Choosing to have unprotected sex = consent to possbile pregnancy surely?

You are well aware you might not have much time left to conceive. Why must you go to so much effort to police the situation when you want a child but he allegedly doesn't just yet? I'd leave him to it & keep my mouth shut. It's far from entrapment assuming he knows the facts of life.

chandellina · 24/09/2010 17:50

I think you really need to put an ultimatum on ttc. your fertility is in the midst of dropping off a cliff and if he wants a second he really doesn't have the luxury of picking when. My DH put me through all sorts of nonsense over ttc and now to his dismay and grief we have an only child (fine with me, but it would have been nice to have choices.)

I'd refuse to have sex at all if he insists on wearing protection, since you (sensibly) actually want to get pregnant.

prozacfairy · 24/09/2010 18:03

YANBU that seems like a nasty manipulative thing to do to someone you love Sad

I know you really want another baby but hindsight is a great thing and you're probably much better off not pregnant with another baby if your "D"P is being a rotten bastard.

brassband · 24/09/2010 18:22

I don't think he was even thinking about babies ,he just wanted condomfree sex and you read something into the situation that wasn't there.
From what you've said I don't think he wants another baby really

Casserole · 24/09/2010 18:33

Yeah, brassband has said what's niggling with me - I wonder if, deep down, he isn't as sure he wants another child as you think he is.

Original poster
boxyboxy · 24/09/2010 18:53

Brassband - we NEVER normally have condom free sex. He doesn't usually take risks like that, that's why I read into it. The only ever time we'd had condom free sex before resulted in the baby we have now.
He's adamant he wants another baby - keeps talking about how it's not good for kids to be only child. (not my main reason for having another btw).

But maybe he's not really convinced himself either - saying one thing and subconsciously thinking something else.

OP posts:
HalfTermHero · 24/09/2010 19:33

Boxy, he sounds like a prick. He should have more respect for the fact that your clock is ticking and your life is on hold whilst you await his permission to have another child. For every feminist out there, I say tell the twat you are going on the pill (to avoid another upsetting withdrawal situation) then don't take it and get pregnant. Play the controlling cunt at his own game and win Smile. You can laugh when he goes and stays the night at his mums house when the line goes blue. Good luck and God speed you to the ante natal clinic.

8rubberduckies · 24/09/2010 20:15

Boxy I'm afraid that IMO, other issues aside, he is either really not being very realistic about how difficult it can be to conceive or he doesn't want a baby as much as he is telling you (and possibly himself) he does.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/09/2010 20:38

"... if I were to push him, he would walk out, turn off the phone and go and stay at his parents. He does this regularly."

He does WHAT? Shock

Bigpants1 · 24/09/2010 20:55

What he did was cruel and controlling-reading it made me uncomfortable. He should know that at 38, your fertility is an issue-you dont have the luxury of putting things on hold.
Perhaps he doesnt want another baby? If so, he needs to be honest so you know where you stand. Why does he want to wait another yr?
Also, you need to tell him he cannot negate your feelings-its not "done"with just cos he says it is.
Do some straight talking with him-both be very honest with eachother re what you want.
One last thing, he needs to understand grown married men, dont have the option to keep leaving each time there is a row or he is unhappy with something. Make it clear it is not acceptable, and that next time he does it, you will lock the door behind him, and not try and contact him,(barring emergency). And if he does go, follow through.

colditz · 24/09/2010 21:01

he's a control freak.

I have no advice, but just pointing this sad little fact out for you.

thumbwitch · 24/09/2010 23:53

Time is not on his side. He does not have the luxury of dictating to you when he might be ready for a second child, because if he really wants one, he might miss out if you wait too long (speaking as one who is having real troubles getting pg with #2 because of age). DH definitely wants 2, and do too, but it's looking increasingly unlikely and that's not because we waited until it was "convenient" for #2, it's just because I am how old I am.

You need to get on with it - tell him to stop being such a selfish arse.

Original poster
boxyboxy · 25/09/2010 13:27

Thumbwitch, he understands the pre/post 40 thing as it's what a lot of the facts and figures centre around, but it's not a switch on the last day of 39. it's a gradual tapering off.

How would i not resent him if we wait at his insistence and then not be able to conceive or carry to full term? Not that I would . Not that I would actively want to, but i would imagine it would be difficult not to.

OP posts:
cumfy · 25/09/2010 13:59

Boxyboxy
What did the therapist you saw conclude ?

Original poster
boxyboxy · 25/09/2010 14:43

Cumfy - we haven't seen one yet - DP is in the process of finding one. this all onlky happened mid last week.

OP posts:
cumfy · 25/09/2010 19:32

Boxyboxy

I was thinking about the one your DP was very dismissive of.

thumbwitch · 26/09/2010 00:44

boxy, my GP told me that it was an exponential drop from the age of 35 onwards - 40 isn't a magical cut off, as you say. You need to tell him you are already on a fairly steep decline in fertility to get the point across more forcibly, perhaps.

Original poster
boxyboxy · 26/09/2010 00:51

Cumfy - she said that we needed to listen each other more, "check in" with each other to try and prevent things building up. As I was so ill at the time, she was really just giving us ways to communicate to try and get us through.

The problem was that DP would be very earnest during the sessions, agree wholeheartedly with any suggestions she might have, and participate fully in discussions. AFter the sessions he would almost immediately do something contradictory which when I pointed out was not in accordance with what he had agreed, he just said it was a load of bull and that he thought she was speaking through her backside. Needless to say, I suggested that in the next session he should bring up these doubts, and also not agree to do stuff he wasn't happy with, and use the sessions as the forum to come up with measures he was happy with. He just wouldn't do it. Same thing every session. I'm not sure if he felt 2 women were ganging up on him, or it could have been that he was very dyslexic as a child, and therefore any "classroom" type sessions can bring him back to the time when he just smiled, nodded, and pretended to understand when it was all in fact flying over his head.

OP posts:
Original poster
boxyboxy · 26/09/2010 00:53

PS - not that we were ganging up on him, she was actually completely neutral, as I guess any good therapist is, but maybe that's what he felt.

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 26/09/2010 01:56

Boxy- it sounds like he's doing the exact same thing to YOU as he was to the therapist.