For SAHM to want allowance / own bank acc

[zozzle]

We have had a joint bank account for many years and at the end of the month DH goes through bank statement and I sometimes have to justify what I've spent on myself.

I find this demeaning as I'm quite frugal - e.g will spend about £25 every two months on myself - on clothes, make-up etc. I usually only buy clothes when things have worn through, and maybe the occasional small treat, but pretty rarely. He says things like "well you can have that as your birthday present" or "you can buy that with the money X gave you for Christmas."

It was a joint decision for me to stay at home until our youngest is 3, so I don't feel that just because he's earning the money I shouldn't spend any of it on myself. I have been the main breadwinner at one point in the past - so, seasons of your life and all that.

I will be looking for work soon and (if lucky enough to find any in this climate) DH still wants us to keep to the joint bank account arrangement. I am fine for most of my earnings to go into the joint acc but would also like a proportion to go into a new bank acc in my name so I can buy clothes, soft furnishings without feeling guilty. DH is very resistant to this idea.

AIBU?

How much does he spend on himself every month? Does he too have to justify it?

I would expect you to both agree how much you are taking for personal expenditure particularly if funds are tight.

Everyone needs some money to themselves.

Be careful you're not being financially abused.

No YANBU.

I'm a SAHM and I would feel awful if DH treated me like this.

Do you go through his spending as well? If you have to justify yours, he should justify his.

YANBU How about having your future income paid into an account in your name and set up a standing order for a fixed amount to go into the joint account, then what is is left in your own account is yours to do as you please.

I think you are right, this is incredibly demeaning. What makes him think he has the right to question everything? Does he justify his own expenditure?

I think you need to have a larger conversation around his attitude towards you. If I were you I would be concerned that when you go back to work he will still expect you to do all the childcare, covering when your child is ill etc. because he seems to think his work is more important than what you do.

i agree with ladymeg

YANBU I am a SAHM and don't contribute anything whatsoever (don't get any benefits either)to the joint account and yet I can buy things for myself and don't have to ask or justify it. My husband says I work hard with DS and the home and deserve to treat myself. I don't go overboard though just books and clothes, stuff like that.

YANBU - it's easier to budget too.

I have a separate account and dh puts in a set amount each month for general household expenses/kids activities/my activities etc. I also manage to save some money out of that. He uses his account for mortgage/insurance/utilities/his activities etc.

A lot of people look horrified when I say we don't have a shared joint account (well we do, but it doesn't get used like that). But I do like the independence to budget for myself. It also doesn't put the pressure on one partner to deal with ALL the finances.

It works well for us.

No, Laurie I never make him justify his spending. He is frugal and besides I trust him - that he will spend what he needs on himself and treat himself occasionally too. I wish he'd afford me the same trust.

He's not overbearing, but I do have to justify my spending - "do you really need it" etc.

Money is tight ATM - but he's always been like that where dosh is concerned.

Is it maybe more of a man thing to be like that? I don't know.

YANBU but he is!

does he realise this is how it makes you feel?? i would speak out here....but if it continues,then its abusive. and then i would be making further steps to deal with that if i were you!

It's always money isn't it? I agree with the general concensus: if you have to justify then so should he (frankly it's much healthier to just let shit slide on both sides unless someone's taking the piss).

I would find this unbearable, think you need to speak to him about the underlying issue rather than just try to avoid conflict.

YANBU. I am a SAHM, I had been the main breadwinner in the past too. We have a joint account, DH is clueless, I have the rein, and I have to told him off if he goes overboard. But I don't sit with him and ask him to justify everything he does. Just a reminder that feeding his daughters is more important than lending money to his teammates or a new shirt...
You seem like you are very reasonable and don't even need that kind of things.

I don't go overboard either, and sometime DH has to push me to spend some money on me.

I still have my bank account and a saving one as well. DH has no access to.

I would be furious if DH did that to me.

I think separate bank accounts (along with a joint one for joint expenses) is crucial to a good marriage.
The idea that you should not have your own account even if you start working again is simply preposterous tbh. Perhaps your DH is very stressed about this at the mo - some budgeting/financial planning a good idea if only to feel like you both have more control over where the money is going

Did you do that to him when you were the main breadwinner? for you

I would not want anyone going through a bank statement and questioning what i have spent.

If it was a joint decision to stay at home, then he should give you a sepearet allowance.

Mind you I think joint accounts are the work of the devil anyway, always always have had a seperate account, and that is how it wil stay.

One thing - when you go back to work, make sure you SPLIT your dc's nursery fees. Don't let him do the trick of having you pay 100% of teh childcare.

And cut holes in all of his socks.

YANBU. It is of course not right that he has control over your spending simply because he earns the money.

But personally I don't think a separate account/allowance is the way to go - then he can simply continue to control/judge your spending by controlling the allowance. You should both have full access to all money and trust each other not to overspend.

Really you need to sort out the root of the problem which is that he doesn't trust you to be sensible with money the way you trust him. I think you need to explain to him how patronising this is, and ask whether he trusts you not to spend too much. If the answer is yes then he ought to stop reviewing your spending. If the answer is no then he needs to explain where that distrust comes from - he should be able to explain where and when you have spent too much and why the family cannot afford that spending. If he can't explain that then he clearly has no reason not to trust you.

Good luck

No you aren't!

He sounds very controlling. Is it just money he is like this about?

YANBU - but your solution doesn't stop the problem - ie that your DH is acting like your boss.

Thge issue is not aboutthe way you arrange your finances, it is about his attitude.
If you had 'an allowance' he would hark on about that.

You need to explain to him. You should make sure that he understands that every time he does it he is being selfish and humiliating you, that you are co-dependant and if he does not treat you as such then he is hurting you and your affection for him.

If he still does it then it will be the full knowledge that his behaviour impacts you that way.
Which will tell you a great deal about him and his respect for you

( btw I am a SAHM and have been for 10 years. I would not accept his treating me that way. A non-negotiable here )

He's got this thing about transparency you see - that we're a partnership etc. As I said above, I never ask him to justify his spending - but he's said he's happy for me to hold him to account for his spending too.

The crunch point was when recently he said what's this on the bank statement - it was some hair removal I'd had done that I didn't want to tell him about (understandably) and so then I had to explain what it was. He backed off when he could see I was embarrassed but still!!

YANBU. DH and I have a joint account but neither of us have to justify how much we spend on ourselves, If we want buy someething expensive then we will discuss it with each other, I do also have a tesco bank account forhiousekeeping ( money from the joint acount goes into that) which I can also use on myself. We both work now but it was the same when I was a SAHM

So next time I go to have the hair removal I'll withdraw cash so it won't show on bank statement!!