For SAHM to want allowance / own bank acc

[zozzle]

We have had a joint bank account for many years and at the end of the month DH goes through bank statement and I sometimes have to justify what I've spent on myself.

I find this demeaning as I'm quite frugal - e.g will spend about £25 every two months on myself - on clothes, make-up etc. I usually only buy clothes when things have worn through, and maybe the occasional small treat, but pretty rarely. He says things like "well you can have that as your birthday present" or "you can buy that with the money X gave you for Christmas."

It was a joint decision for me to stay at home until our youngest is 3, so I don't feel that just because he's earning the money I shouldn't spend any of it on myself. I have been the main breadwinner at one point in the past - so, seasons of your life and all that.

I will be looking for work soon and (if lucky enough to find any in this climate) DH still wants us to keep to the joint bank account arrangement. I am fine for most of my earnings to go into the joint acc but would also like a proportion to go into a new bank acc in my name so I can buy clothes, soft furnishings without feeling guilty. DH is very resistant to this idea.

AIBU?

YNBU, but has already been said, it WON"T solve the problem, as the problem is HIS attitude, not the banking arrangements & he will just find other ways to be "controlling" ...he wants a damn good kick where the sun don't shine

That said, IMHO, if he's being controlling, its just as likely it is because YOU are letting him....in the early days my own DH has had his moments of this sort of behaviour....checking supermarket till receipts & the likes....he soon learned he wouldn't be getting away with it & he just wouldn't dare now

Well I agree with him about transparency and a partnership. But in a partnership you TRUST each other, not ask each other to justify every last penny. Does he not get that?

I think he's being a knob.

We have a joint bank acc btw, but none of that 'what've you spent' rubbish goes on (I earn way more than him),

IMO YANBU

I think the whole idea of joint bank accounts are BU.
The household stuff 50-50
The Children stuff 50-50
The food if you share all meals 50-50

For all other things 100-0

I mean he is not going to be wearing your dresses same as you wont be drinking his beers etc. (Sorry if that sounds sexist, it isn't intended, merely eg.)

I think you must stick to your guns and have your own account, otherwise you will end up either rowing over it, constantly biting your tongue, or feeling totally worthless.

Whats ours is ours, but whats mine is damn well mine, thats how I would play it.

zozzle, he only has a thing about transparency because he knows you do not feel in a position to challenge him.

If DH ever said to me
'what is that for' on a banks statement I would say 'actually that is private. As we are a partnership I don't need to justify myself. Do I? I would only need to justify myself if you has some reason to believe that I was making poor decisions or was untrustworthy. You surely are not suggesting either of those so we need not take this any further. Do we?'

hear hear pagwatch

that is exactly the conversation that is needed.

Zozzle...jeepers YANBU...DH and I have an agreed amunt for me per month and if I need more I ask...we're not rich but he understands that I should not have to tell him every time I need a new bra!

Tellhim you want a certain private amount.

I became a SAHM in April. Up to then we both worked and put a certain amount into the joint account for mortgage, bills, children's stuff etc. We both kept personal accounts. Now, I transfer money out of the joint account into my own account as and when I need it. That way, I don't get quizzed on what I spend it on - not that my DH ever would. I don't spend an awful lot tbh. My last credit card bill was £50 - a haircut! I do feel guilty about spending so much on vanity - esp as DH's haircut costs a tenner! But I'm not extravagent and DH is currently putting slightly more in the joint a/c each month than goes out!

I think it is important to have money of your own to spend.

I am a SAHM and we have a joint bank ac. I do have to justify the money I have spent/itemise what it was for, BUT it is sort of different because DH also has to justify what he has spent to me - because despite the fact he has physically earned it, every penny is OURS because I am at home with 2 young children.

Stop referring to it as an allowance. It's an entitlement.

YANBU.

Dh has zero interest in what I spend money on- although I'm not very profligate anyway. He would never dream of embarrassing me or himself by going through a bank statement and demanding justification. Mind you, we don't have a joint account either. No need to.

Have the convo that pagwatch suggested.

Defo an entitlement, trust that cos I'm a man saying so, no job in the world is harder than full time parent, NOT ONE!
Guess he should pay all his wage into your own account on my logic?

Thinking on this again though, I'm wondering"is he always this way??, or is it new??......

with my DH it was a stress reaction to things going on at work.....he did also have an ex who spent money like water & ran up loads of debt, & I think worry about changes at work brought that back to the front of his mind......still not an excuse though & no argument needed......

a few weeks of my quizzing EVERY penny he spent, coupled with my stopping cooking for him etc...and also of course calmly reminding him that he was behaving like a complete chauvinistic T@sser & I didn't waste money, he had no right to imply that I did, & that I had had far more respect for him when I had been the main bread winner........solved the problem ;)

We have always had the following arrangement, which was worked out when we first moved in together and got our first mortgage:

1. Joint bank account, out of which comes mortgage and all direct debits for house (utilities, service charge, council tax) professional expenses, phone bill (landline & broad band). Food shopping is also done from this account, as will be things for the LO when it arrives.
2. Separate credit cards. These are used for 'fun' i.e. spending on ourselves, and mobile bills. Every few months we decide what a reasonable limit is for the monthly fun allowance, so that we can take into account things like christmas, holidays, wanting to save more etc. The nice thing is that he take me out for a meal on his credit card, and I can get an expensive haircut out of my own 'budget' if I fancy it.

We do justify/explain overspends to each other, but underspending just goes into the savings

Thanks guys great advice! Have tried the conversation suggested to no avail - he just doesn't get it!

Will try again though!

Dh did actually do this to me once after I had DS. I didn't think anything of it to begin with (was too wrapped up in PND) but over time it rankled more and more, by which point DH was too used to controlling the purse strings.

Even after I went back to work FT I had to ask for bus fare... I had to threaten to leave, and set up my own a/c after that before I got control of my own money again.

Now we're back in a situation where I'm not working, but this time, we've agreed to pool all our earnings/benefits into one bill a/c, and then we each are allocated x per week/month to spend on ourselves, and it goes into our individual a/cs to spend as we see fit. It's working so well that if/when I do go back to work, we'll keep it up.

We used to fight all the time about money (and I mean, fight), but now we just have petty squabbles disagreements about other things :o

What also helps is having a spreadsheet listing incoming, and outgoing each month, therefore detailing what's left over for what (savings, housekeeping, petrol, dog treats, days out etc) as well as personal expenditure. We did try the whole "I spent this on that" but it was pointless - we only ended up trying to justify ourselves to ourselves, and it caused tension we didn't need.

You might be a partnership but you're still entitled to some privacy. The hair removal incident being a case in point.

If you start withdrawing cash instead so he doesn't know what it's for where's the transparency in that?

Have a joint account for savings/household/children and divide what's left over into your own accounts for your own expenditure. You've both earned it.

Get a bit more aggressive then- question his spending. Ask him WHY he wants to know what you spent that £10 on (or whatever). Make him account for every penny.

Failing that, just say "I'm not going to justify myself to you." And walk away.

zozzle Fri 24-Sep-10 13:14:02

Thanks guys great advice! Have tried the conversation suggested to no avail - he just doesn't get it!

Will try again though!

if he's not hearing you, he WILL "get it" when you make him feel it

good luck :)

I had no idea there were dh's like this! I am

Could it be that he is just careful about money and checks everything on the bank statment to look for anything dodgy? Maybe he isn't checking up on what you spend, just making sure he can identify everything on the statement. That doesn't, of course, change how it makes you feel but may change how you approach the subject with him.

I know a married couple who allocate themselves spending money from their joint income each month. It's up to each of them what they spend it on (or if they don't spend it and just save it). You could try that.

Seperate accounts all the way. As for the hair removal a razor/veet might make more sense moving forward...

Ugh I hate this topic. I don't know the answer, but I spent my maternity leave feeling torn between gratitude to DH, resentment at actually it was a joint decision to have a baby so why am I the one with no money, and is it all in my head?!

ou certainly nee some degree of finanical independence I think or one'll go mad.

zozzle you're being too nice - I can see why you don't want to make him justify everything - you trust him and respect him and you want him to show you the same trust and respect - but, as you say, he just doesn't get it. He will only get it if you treat him as he treats you.

I've been the major breadwinner in the past and now my DH is and we put all our income into a joint account, cover the bills and basics and then split the remainder 50/50 into our personal accounts so that both of us can feel like grown-ups who can make our own decisions and not feel like we have to ask everytime we want to buy roller boots or mountain bike accessories!

If that were the case though, nocake, then the OP's DH would be perfcetly happy for her to have a separate account. One debit from the joint account to hers (or however it's done), no need to worry, no need to question.

It sounds more like a controlling thing to me, tbh.