For SAHM to want allowance / own bank acc

[zozzle]

We have had a joint bank account for many years and at the end of the month DH goes through bank statement and I sometimes have to justify what I've spent on myself.

I find this demeaning as I'm quite frugal - e.g will spend about £25 every two months on myself - on clothes, make-up etc. I usually only buy clothes when things have worn through, and maybe the occasional small treat, but pretty rarely. He says things like "well you can have that as your birthday present" or "you can buy that with the money X gave you for Christmas."

It was a joint decision for me to stay at home until our youngest is 3, so I don't feel that just because he's earning the money I shouldn't spend any of it on myself. I have been the main breadwinner at one point in the past - so, seasons of your life and all that.

I will be looking for work soon and (if lucky enough to find any in this climate) DH still wants us to keep to the joint bank account arrangement. I am fine for most of my earnings to go into the joint acc but would also like a proportion to go into a new bank acc in my name so I can buy clothes, soft furnishings without feeling guilty. DH is very resistant to this idea.

AIBU?

I look after DC during the day and work in the evening, therefore I can contribute 50% financially and if I want to buy something I can go right ahead. Maybe worth considering for a little more independence??

Mind you I am utterly, utterly spent!

Is the Child Benefit in your name, and if not what provision are you making towards NI contributions towards pension?

Good grief. Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but YA definitely NBU. Why would he be resistant to you having a bank account of your own? And I am at you having to have things that you need as your birthday/Christmas presents. He sounds tightfisted and controlling.

"I wish he'd afford me the same trust"

Its not lack of trust that he has, its an abundance of control :)

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I think when two people are married the money is equal between the two of them. Therefore, he should split any 'leisure' money with you equally.
He may be working in paid employment but you are also working as a SAHM.
I am not the only one to see it this way: if you and husband were to split, your work as SAHM would be deemed to be of positive use to the marriage and worthy of some financial recompense.

I sometimes wonder if people actually think about what they're doing when they marry.
Seems to me that the 'all my worldly goods' bit gets lost somewhere.

Zozzle, does it really matter if your DH doesn't 'get it'? As you have a joint account now, why not work out a budget, then inform him that from now on you will be transferring a set amount into a separate account each month to cover leisure activities plus whatever other budget items you are responsible for (eg food shopping or any bills in your name). Suggest that your DH also agree to an allowance for his expenses and that, if there is any left over, this should be put into savings (either joint or separate).

You remain accountable to each other for personal overspends but not for petty spending. And if you manage to budget then the saving is yours to keep.

I'm a SAHM with no income other than standard child benefit and we have the following arrangement:

1. Joint account for mortgage, bills, food shopping, household expenses. DH has a standing order that transfers a set amount into this each month to cover everything.
2. DH's own accounts for his salary and personal expenses
3. My personal accounts - DH has another standing order that transfers a set amount (that I decided) into this each month to cover my own personal expenses

It never occured to either of us that I couldn't spend some of OUR money on myself! Admittedly, I'm rubbish at buying stuff for myself so rarely use it but I like to be have the choice!

His attitude sucks and you should stop being so understanding about it

Have tried the conversation suggested to no avail - he just doesn't get it!

Id say youve got 2 problems here , obviously the fact that hes being financially abusive , and the other one that hes not listening to you and is minimizing it by claiming to not get it. Whats not to get ? His wife is unhappy and things need to change , simple really .

He's got this thing about transparency you see - that we're a partnership etc

But your not a partnership are you , you are not equal by a long shot. And thats not transparacy , thats controlling behaviour and checking up on you. He might say he doesnt mind if you check on him , but i bet he would . How would he feel if your parents / freinds knew he was doing this ? What if a freind called and you commented in front of him that youd have to ask for some money ? I bet hed be horrified.

Most kids get an allowance , freely given to them , most parents know that kids dont like to have to ask , your not even getting that.
You need to deal with this , dont assume its a man thing , it isnt , its controlling behaviour and its NOT about money. Its a reflection of how he sees you , inferior , less entitled , less than , and how he sees himself , as the boss , in control , more entitled ect ect. He doesnt see you as an equal , at all. He thinks his money is his and your not entitled to it.

You say hes ok in other ways but i wonder if youd be aware of it if he wasnt , you sound quite accepting of the situation. In my experience men who control finances ( therefore controlling movement , purchases , choices ect ) are usually controlling in other ways too.

Get your own bank account . Id be inclined to get an evening job that starts soon after he comes home.

Where does your child benefit go ? I have always considered that to be mine to spend on leg waxing or children's shoes no matter what DH earns or not as the case may be.

As far as I know you don't have to ask your DH's permission to open an account, you can just go ahead and do that yourself. I'd imagine you can get the child benefit paid into that account each month. It isn't much money but it'll be yours, and to use your husband's reasoning you're entitled to it as it is the "wages" from your job as a SAHM. So if he wants to spend it then he'll have to justify it to you.

Like others have said your husband's behaviour sounds very disrespectful and controlling. He treats you like a child and it would drive me nuts. My DH and I have a joint account and no separate accounts. He earns a lot more than me but is adamant that the money is for both of us (as sometimes I feel guilty when I spend it). If I started emptying the account he would object but other than that he keeps no track of what I spend as long as all the bills are paid. You are a grown adult who is perfectly entitled to spend money. If he is worried about money then the sensible thing would be to set out a budget where both of you get a certain amount to spend on whatever you like, and he should have no say in what that is.

We have 2 joint accounts.
One personal account each.
Money is ok nowadays, but when it was tight, we each had the exact same amount spending money each week, to either save or spend.
And for a time, we had no extra money after bills and groceries.

Everyone needs to have some privacy, and you should be able to say "personal expense" and not be questioned further. Rather than detailing a lip wax or anything along that line. He may not have thought of it in this light before, so just explain it, he seems to know you are not a spend thrift, and he really should loosen the reins. It would be understandable if you wasted money needed to, pay a bill. or something, but you have proven you are responsible, and are his partner, not his child.
You allowence could be very small, even 10 pounds each a week can be a lot when on a tight budget, but over 2 months it would add up and be enough to get your hair done or something.
Doesn't hurt to try!

Just a suggestion. Spend what you need to reasonably making sure the bils are covered and you dont build up debt and then just ignore him when he goes through the statements adn questions you, or better still leave the house to spend some more.
How rude! controlling me thinks.

I suggest you don't start examining his spending as this will 'justify' his examining yours. I suggest that you sit him down and say

"As we both agree that I do not waste money, I will no longer be treated like a spendthrift household employee when it comes to the joint account. I am your wife and you will respect me as such. To help you to remember this, I will no longer be answering questions about my spending. Love you!"

I am a SAHM as well, until last month DH and I shared a bank account. He "tells me off" when I ask if I can get myself this or that (He knows I am very frugal and do not tend to blow money on not absolutely unnesserary things). I still tell him though and TBH he does the same. I cannot think of any money he has spent on himself alone that he has not discussed with me. I think we are both just trying to make sure we do not decide to spend even a reasonable amount of money on ourselves at the very same time making it a less reasonable amount IYSWIM.

I think it is unreasonable for him to ask you to justifie every single expense but if the money is tight I am afraid there might not really be a choice, even for him.

I would be refusing to get into a discussion about it with him.

If it is about checking for fraud, perhaps go through the bill yourself and 'tick' anything you have spent but do not get drawn into a discussion about what you spent the money on. You are an adult and he should give you the respect you deserve.

If money is tight, there needs to be talk of how much you each need to reduce spending by.

I use child benefit as my own money, it's paid into my own bank account. It's not a lot but it pays for me to buy a few things for myself over the month. All things for our son come out of the joint account, as do all house hold expenses, food etc. My husband also has his own account and he leaves a small amount of his wages in their for his personal spending. That way if money is tight one month, we look at what's spent in the joint account. Our own money is protected if you will and we can spend it on what we want. YANBU. Everyone needs to bit of their own money to spend on what they want. Looking after kids all day is hard.

You sound very sensible with money. If there isnt enough coming in to your household to justify having a small amount for your own personal use, then you need to get a part time job.

You havent implied in your OP that DH is spending money on himself but not on you. Hes probably just as a bit tight with finances, and likes to know what comes in and goes out. This may be annoying but is to be applauded when you are low income. I doubt it is 'abuse'. (is that the most overused term on MN? maybe.)