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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no presents for dd

56 replies

Dancergirl · 23/09/2010 16:06

Dd's 4th birthday is coming up. We haven't planned a party yet but as she is at nursery and is starting to have her own friends we will probably arrange a party, maybe an entertainer in a hall.

She's the youngest of 3 girls - my older two are 9 and 7.5 so as you can imagaine we have a houseful of toys (and clothes!). Typically with a 3rd child, dd3 watches what her sisters play and already likes Barbies, My Little Pony, Polly Pocket etc so nothing like that is new to her.

I'm tempted to put 'no presents please' or suggest a donation to charity on the party invitations but I feel a bit mean for her that she won't have a pile of presents to open. And will people be offended if I do that?

OP posts:

Gubbins · 23/09/2010 16:09

There's no way you can do that, unless you are prepared to apply it to the older children, too.

NestaFiesta · 23/09/2010 16:11

YABU, unless you did exactly the same for your other girls. The other thing is, your DD will go to other parties where the birthday girl/boy WILL have a present pile and will wonder what she did wrong. You can always ebay/donate toys when she is bored of them. If she has too many, hide some and eke them out as rewards later.

Onetoomanycornettos · 23/09/2010 16:13

Well, I can see you don't want the clutter, but imagine being that third child and having no presents at the party (and presumably you would allow the older ones to continue to have presents at parties to get the new lots of toys in!)

I don't see how this can be fair, and you can easily recycle if the quantity is too great. Most people would not want to take nothing to a birthday party of a four year old, and most four year olds would expect children to bring presents to their party.

MadreInglese · 23/09/2010 16:15

nooooooo she's 4!!

but it would be a good time to encourage her to clear some old toys out to charity shop or the like in prep for the present onslaught, we've always done that with DD(12) pre-birthday/christmas

SlightlyJaded · 23/09/2010 16:17

I think you are well intentioned not wanting more piles of wasteful pink plastic but you can't do that to a 3 year old. It's just mean

MadreInglese · 23/09/2010 16:19

you could also ask family or close friends (who won't be offended) to buy 'disposable' pressies like craft or baking things that can be used up

ChippingIn · 23/09/2010 16:27

I understand where you are coming from with the amount of 'stuff' you already have in the house from the older girls, but no, you can't do that, it would be very mean.

Definitely have a clear out of old/baby toys, it will 'feel' a lot better.

Then after the party you can either put some of the duplicates away to 'recycle' or perhaphs take the older puzzles/books/dolls/games to a charity shop.

Also, if she has a box of Polly Pockets (or whatever) and other couple in the box wont make much difference!

coatgate · 23/09/2010 16:28

Meany Mum! I can appreciate you don't want even more tat in your house, but imagine the effect on your poor little girl!

Housewife2010 · 23/09/2010 17:04

YABTU. Poor little girl

MadreInglese · 23/09/2010 17:07

I don't think the OP is mean, with 3 girls you must accumulate a vast collection of plastic tat toys, but there are gentler ways of reducing the crap hoard stuff

cat64 · 23/09/2010 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Firawla · 23/09/2010 17:14

yabu it is mean, can you not just have a clear out of all 3 girls toys if its getting too much clutter?

anonymousbird · 23/09/2010 17:17

I have done a "no presents" request to a joint party for my two DC (they are a year apart). Due to family circumstances, the party wasn't actually very close to the birthdays, and still every single person brought a present. I was a bit frustrated, but no present policies simply don't work.

Now doing something a bit different, DD sharing a party with another girl, and we are asking each person coming to only bring one gift and alternating who that is for. Otherwise each girl will get 23-25 presents (bonkers) so this way, each girl will get 11/12 or so which is much more manageable.

Fingers crossed, this one might work - the mums to date have been quite receptive!

ramonaquimby · 23/09/2010 17:20

of course you can do this, it's not mean. a 4 year old won't count up how many presents she has? they aren't that materialistic

Hedgeblunder · 23/09/2010 17:34

That's really mean- why don't you just have a secret clear out and donate old toys to your local womens aid?

cat64 · 23/09/2010 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 23/09/2010 17:44

I went to a party in the summer where there was a no present stipulation on the invitation.

The party was for twin girls. They have a younger sister. I didn't think it was odd - just that the parents didn't want to have to have loads of presents (it would've been double, after all) to sort out and find homes for.

I don't know the family, but presume they will apply this stipulation to parties for the younger child, too.

Presumably, though, you are not insisting on no presents for your youngest daughter from you and the rest of the family - just for this party? If so, I don't think you are being either mean or unreasonable.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 23/09/2010 17:46

I should correct that - my DD was invited to the party - I just took her.

PutTheKettleOn · 23/09/2010 17:50

i agree, you can't do that!

But like previous poster suggested you could ask family/friends to buy things like craft sets, or to pay for a day out somewhere, or ballet/swimming lessons or something, or pay for her next pair of school shoes?

Sanesometimes1 · 23/09/2010 20:04

YABU how could you even think about doing that - would you also cancel santa ??? good grief !

PfftTheMagicDragon · 23/09/2010 20:14

YABU

take the presents, use it as an opportunity to clear out the overflow.

It will be nice for her to get some toys of her own.

TheSistersGrim · 23/09/2010 20:15

YABU

The other children will ask their parents what present they are giving to your dd, then they will come to the party and exclaim loudly "I've come to your party but I didn't bring a present but I still want a present at my party. Why don't you have presents? Why? Have you been naughty? Don't you like toys? I wanted to bring you play doh but mummy said not to"

They will resurrect this conversation at nursery under the guise of telling an interesting story about an eccentric.

Half the people will still bring something leaving the rest feeling awkward and saying "mummy, X brought a present to the party, why wasn't I allowed to?"

Children can be very conventional and have enormous respect for the done thing wrt parties.

FlyingInTheCLouds · 23/09/2010 20:50

I would ask close friends not to (we do this with our friends) and tell our kids when we go to the party without a present that we are going to celebrate, and give them a card.

None of our DCs have ever been upset by this as they still get presents (DS1 is 5) and we did this only this week.

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/09/2010 21:03

YABU, so the older one get new things and she cant because of this?

Part of the party fun for DS is getting to choose a present and paper.

celebmum · 23/09/2010 21:45

Dancegirl.. YABU!

do you not think it would be nice for DD3 to have some of her own toys rather than watching her sisters play?

give some old toys to charity or to a local toddler group/doctors surgey.

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