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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no presents for dd

56 replies

Dancergirl · 23/09/2010 16:06

Dd's 4th birthday is coming up. We haven't planned a party yet but as she is at nursery and is starting to have her own friends we will probably arrange a party, maybe an entertainer in a hall.

She's the youngest of 3 girls - my older two are 9 and 7.5 so as you can imagaine we have a houseful of toys (and clothes!). Typically with a 3rd child, dd3 watches what her sisters play and already likes Barbies, My Little Pony, Polly Pocket etc so nothing like that is new to her.

I'm tempted to put 'no presents please' or suggest a donation to charity on the party invitations but I feel a bit mean for her that she won't have a pile of presents to open. And will people be offended if I do that?

OP posts:
Algebra18MinusPiEquals16 · 23/09/2010 21:50

YABU sorry.

it's unfair that she wouldn't get toys just because she's younger.

have a big clear out before the party, tell your DDs they are going to give toys to other children who don't have as much or for children to play with in waiting rooms, make a big deal of what a lovely gesture it is.

you could do a casual "oh, don't worry about a present" as some parents may not be able to afford one anyway, but those who really want to will still buy one and your DD will not go presentless!

mumeeee · 23/09/2010 22:04

YABU, Small children expect presents at thier birthday parties,

Original poster
Dancergirl · 23/09/2010 22:16

Ok, ok, I hear what you're saying lol! Smile

Some strong opinions here. Having a clear out is a good idea. Not sure I necessarily agree with treating each child EXACTLY the same but I take the point.

Celebmum - she has plenty of her own toys! And not just her sisters' old toys but lots of her own too. Have I made it sound like she's a poor hard-done-by little girl with nothing of her own? Not at all.

Algebra - we already give a lot to charity and I'm trying to instil this in my children. But, out of interest, for giving to charity to be a genuinely kind act, shouldn't poor/sick etc children be given brand new, boxed toys rather than old, played with toys, however good the condition?This was my thinking behind asking people to give something to charity. Just a thought anyway.

OP posts:
cat64 · 23/09/2010 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Algebra18MinusPiEquals16 · 24/09/2010 08:27

fair point, but you can also give to doctors surgeries or maybe your local community (charity) preschool? or children's centre?

it's really lovely of you to want to give to needier children for your DD's birthday, but I think that sort of gesture should wait until the child is old enough to decide for themselves.

amberleaf · 24/09/2010 08:50

YABVVVVVVVVVVU

This sort of thing is what sets off sibling rivalries and resentments that continue into adulthood.

I am amazed that you dont see how f**d up this is.

WOW! Shock

Threelittleducks · 24/09/2010 09:03

Don't do it. Even if your 4 year old lets it go and deas with it, the older ones will remember and tell her allll about it when she is older.
Dh is one of 6 and they are always casting up to each other the unfairnesses of each other's childhood cast upon them by their very un-even handed parents! And yes, it still sacks of bitter resentment! Despite what the intentions were.

Threelittleducks · 24/09/2010 09:07

If you are going to do it could you engage your children and make them all do it and let them see the consequences of their actions.

E.g, explain to each the concept (which might be hard for a 4 year old) and then take them to the place they are donating to to see the difference they made.

Or perhaps adopt a goat at the zoo or something? I know at our local animal park if you sponsor an animal you get to name it and spend a day doing zookeeper experience.
I wouldn't let her get nothing out of it though. even sponsoring an animal with WWF or NCDL she could get monthly updates through the post andnone of the hassle of owning an animal!

petelly · 24/09/2010 09:12

YANBU - you know your dd and whether she'd be upset or not.

My dd1 has her 7th birthday coming up and she's having a 'whole class' party. I spoke with her and she's agreed to ask for donations to charity (apart from her two best friends where the present will be meaningful iyswim) and she's quite excited about the idea. But, of course, 7 is quite a bit older than 4

NestaFiesta · 24/09/2010 09:18

Dancergirl, I can't believe you said " Not sure I necessarily agree with treating each child EXACTLY the same "

You do need to treat each child exactly the same (apart from age appropriate bed times etc). I still remember my sister getting more priveleges than me and different dolls etc when we were little and I am 40 now! (she's my older sister). If I had seen her getting birthday presents and not got any myself it would have stayed with me long into adulthood. Don't underestimate 4 year olds- they notice everything.

As for thinking less fortunate children need brand new toys, no they don't if, as Algebra so rightly pointed out, they are given to a hospital or a doctor's surgery.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/09/2010 09:18

I'm glad you've changed your mind - that would be an awful thing to do!

If you want to reduce present numbers then get family to put money into a savings account for her or adopt an animal or something.

frenchfancy · 24/09/2010 09:20

YABU

I am in the same situation as you. DD3 is 4 yrs old today, already has all the toys she could ever need.

But, no way could I ask for her not to have presents. Just the opening of them is part of the birthday celebration. So I got her a keyboard (DD1 had one but it doesn't work any more) then lots of craty type stuff that gets thrown away eventually. Play dough in particular because she loves it, I refuse to buy it except for birthdays and christmas.

7 yr old might understand charity, a 4 yr old won't. Ask for craft stuff, hair stuff (pretty hair bands) neclaces etc.

katsh · 24/09/2010 09:21

dancergirl - I'm with you - it all gets a bit much, and the present giving can be rather pointless. It is hard to manage however, especially when so many people think very differently Smile . We have small birthday parties, so never too big an issue, but my kids are very amenable to putting away the things they are not going to play with immediately and I then use them to give as presents or give them to them at a later date - eg school summer holidays were a great time to get out all the craft kits etc. I suspect my approach could start a whole new AIBU thread Grin. Enjoy the birthday .

Original poster
Dancergirl · 24/09/2010 10:36

Dancergirl, I can't believe you said " Not sure I necessarily agree with treating each child EXACTLY the same "

Nesta - it depends what it is. All children are unique and have different personalities, interests, needs, what's important to them, not important etc. Talking more generally now, but I wouldn't do something for one child just because I did the same for another. For example they might enjoy different outings, activities etc. I treat each of my children as individuals and consider what is important to THEM. It all balances out in the end with regard to presents, treats, time spent with them.

It's like people saying that if they send one child to private school, they have to send the other. I don't think that way. We are starting to look at secondary schools and I just want the school that will suit my child best, be it state or private. When it's dd2's time to start secondary school we will think the same about HER.

I think it makes it very hard work to give each child the same - you are constantly working out who's had what and it makes them aware that they need to have the same as their siblings. Far better to meet each child's needs/wants/desires on an individual basis. Just my opinion anyway.

OP posts:
zozzle · 24/09/2010 10:56

I had a small party (well it was more of a play really) for 6 YO DS at home and invited just a few friends in our street. It wasn't his main treat (which was a bowling trip with a few friends).

Because it was v low key I said no presents please. Half still turned up with presents and those who didn't felt a bit awkward. So lesson learned - def won't stipulate that in future.

zozzle · 24/09/2010 11:03

To clarify - it was the parents who didn't bring presents who felt awkward - my son and all the other kids didn't notice - they were too busy playing!

Gosh, am surprised at strength of feeling on here!!

BuntyPenfold · 24/09/2010 11:06

Ask for things that can be used up, such as paints, bubble bath, a baking set.

NordicPrincess · 24/09/2010 11:10

this has made me think actually. for xmas im going to ask the family to club together and pay for my son to go go carting instead of gifts. I think this could be a good thing for you to consider for your daughter aswell. ask people to pay for soemthing special for just you and her to do togther, something special

Quenelle · 24/09/2010 11:15

I agree with Pfft. She'll enjoy having some toys of her own.

DeidreBarlow · 24/09/2010 11:20

My DD (just turned 4) would have been really upset if she didn't get presents on her birthday.

She goes to many a party, and knows the format - so yes she expected presents. I did ask close friends/family for clothes or vouchers; and Shock I did ask my parents for cash! So she did get some presents but not loads.

Have a good clear out, I always do it before birthdays and Christmas. It always makes me feel better and DD is well aware that we give the other toys to charity/play groups etc

Catper33 · 24/09/2010 11:21

We are not in the UK and where we live it is pretty standard to say no presents. No-one thinks anything of it at all- the children enjoy the company of their friends at their party and never seem to even question or think they are being hard done by not having presents from their friends.

kveta · 24/09/2010 11:23

my aunt and uncle decided one year that as I was the oldest child I didn't need anything for my birthday or christmas, and both sent 2 presents to my younger sister instead. Their reasoning was that I got hand me downs from their children, but my sister would get these things 3rd hand, so deserved some new stuff. 20 years on I'm still a bit angry at them tbh. My parents (as I recall) were not impressed either. Same uncle didn't even acknowledge my wedding (which he was invited to) but sent my sis a congratulations card for her 2nd engagement. He's my god father too.

I'm 28 and still don't understand this sibling preference, so I doubt a 4 year old would.

Quenelle · 24/09/2010 11:28

zozzle "Gosh, am surprised at strength of feeling on here!!"

It's the inner child in all of us, imagining how it would feel to go without pressies to open on our 4th birthday. Sob!

Dancergirl Sorry, shouldn't have inferred she was some sort of Cinderella going without. It's that damned inner child again, obviously read too many fairy tales as a kid.

YANBU Do what you feel is right.

nomedoit · 24/09/2010 11:33

Dancer please don't do this! She's 4 and birthday's are very important at that age. Every child needs to feel important. Basically, if you do this you're sending a message that her birthday isn't as special.

My DH is one of six boys and never, ever had new clothes. Not one item. He's over it but come on...

nomedoit · 24/09/2010 11:35

And it's not "very hard work" to let a four-year-old have presents at her birthday!

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