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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really annoyed with DH's family for lack of support over breastfeeding?

62 replies

PutTheKettleOn · 22/09/2010 19:34

I'm so fed up! DD2 is 3 months and exclusively breastfed. She's a bit little, but she's following the 9th centile line, gaining weight, and HV says she is fine. She feeds around every 2 hours during the day, which HV says is all normal and fine.

We stayed with DH's family last week and i got really fed up with the constant suggestions about why not give her a bottle, comparing her size to DD1 at that age, other kids they knew etc, but I bit my tongue and just kept calmly explaining she was fine. Now SIL has just rung up (who has 3 kids and used to be a nurse and is therefore god when it comes to childrearing according to my inlaws) quizzing DH about her weight, suggesting my milk isn't good quality etc etc.

I'm just fed up! What hurts is MIL used to be quite supportive, with DD1 she was always ringing me during the day to ask how she was, about little milestones etc, it was nice to think she cared so much. DD2 had her 12 week jabs yesterday and noone bothered to ring to ask about that, now she seems to avoid me and just rings DH on his mobile to moan about me BF, they are obsessed with it!

My own mum died several years ago and my dad is useless so it feels like we've got no family support left. It's tough keeping up BF but i was proud i was managing it this time after vstruggling with DD1, so all this is so undermining.

Gah, rant over, am i being too sensitive?!

OP posts:

AllNightMilkBar · 22/09/2010 19:44

Just ignore them. DS1 was off the bottom of the charts. I developed rhinoceros hide about hints to change what I was doing. SOMEONE has to be below average to create an average IFYSWIM.

I don't get why all babies are meant to be big. After all, not all adults are.

MigGril · 22/09/2010 19:46

No not at all, can't beleive your SIL rang up asking all those qestions. Hardly instilling confidance in you is it. Ingnor all well meaning comments for IL's and try to get your DH on your side as much as possible.

By the way, well done on getting this far sounds like she's doing great, keep up the good work.

I'm in a smimilar situation to you have no mum and IL's aren't very supportive so feel your pain.

Firawla · 22/09/2010 19:47

I think you may need to tell them quite firmly how you feel, politely yet get the message across. If they continue to behave like this and you don't put a stop to it, it will really wind you up and may ruin the relationship between you, can you say something along the lines of thanks for their concern however dd is fine, doctors and hv are not worried about her weight, some children are just smaller than others, you are happy with breastfeeding and are beginning to find their comments quite unsupportive and unnecessary? im sure someone would be able to come along and word it better, but i think saying something may be the way to go. what is dh saying to them each time they ring? maybe he should have told them to mind their own business, or has he but they dont listen?

scottishmummy · 22/09/2010 19:51

congratulations on baby,feed your baby how you chose.you dont need anyone else approval. i appreciate being without your own mum this must feel pressurising and undermining.smile,and carry on as you wish

browneyesblue · 22/09/2010 19:53

YANBU - Some people can't keep their 'helpful' comments to themselves.

I'm in a similar position - my mum died 5 years ago, and my dad tries, but isn't much help, so I don't have much family supprt of my own - sucks, doesn't it :(

DS (6 months) is a big baby and has always been 91st centile +, but I still get comments. I think some babies are just big, and some are just small. It probably all evens out a bit in the end anyway.

Don't let them undermine your confidence - you're doing brilliantly! Managing to feed your DD every 2 hours is a fantastic achievement - I couldn't think straight at that stage, let alone operate a computer. If I could have, you'd have seem me ranting all over AIBU!

mathanxiety · 22/09/2010 19:56

YANBU, tall your DH to tackle this and show some support for you. I just had myself to rely on as my mum was on another continent during my bfing days and exMIL thought bfing was silly and self-indulgent and held you up, kept you from your housework duties, blah blah. Stick to your guns.

beanlet · 22/09/2010 19:56

Often it's just old-fashioned ideas. My husband's mother, who's in her 70s, is always wondering when we're going to start feeding 11-week-old baby solids. "You were given solids from 3 months and you're fine", etc. We just tell her Baby is on a medical study that means he has to be EBF for 6 months, and let the rest wash over us.

iamanewmum31 · 22/09/2010 19:57

Ignore them and carry on. Mother knows best. Change the subject when they bring the subject up. Don't tell them about charts etc. Tell them baby is doing well if they question you. They will soon get the hint.

Fiolondon · 22/09/2010 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marchpane · 22/09/2010 20:01

Well done. Bfing's bloody hard work so good for you for sticking with it.

If you can do it, and you are, carry on and be proud of yourself.

FakePlasticTrees · 22/09/2010 20:03

YANBU - how about getting DH to say to MIL that as long as the health visitor and the doctors are happy with your DD's weight gain, then it's not an issue, and that her constaint stress about something that's a non-issue is causing bad feeling between you and MIL, and if she wants a good relationship with her DGDs, she needs to stop trying to undermine their mother?

diddl · 22/09/2010 20:08

You are obviously doing well & need to ignore them-and don´t answer any questions!

Whilst not everyone will agree with what you do, it is crap that they are trying to talk you into stopping bfeeding.

This must have been one of the few times that I was lucky to have a socially inept MIL-she voiced no opinion at all on anything we ever did.

All I knew was that she bfed, so didn´t see it as weird or embarrassing.

My first was prem & I think barely registered on a centile!

The catch22 is that they are so tiny they can´t take a big feed & bmilk is very easily digested so they feed very often.

I think it´s often the way though that every stage of the first grandchild´s development is asked about, but not so the second!

Anenome · 22/09/2010 20:09

YANBU!

I hope your DH didnt answer DSIL's questions! Nothing to do with her. When a similar thing happened to my best mate...interestingly she has no family at all either....she began to respond to her
in- laws rants with "Thank you yes"

No matter what the observation, nag, rant or accusation regarding her (massive) breastfed son was!

So her MIL would say "Gosh, he's been breastfed for two months now, why dont you just give him a bottle?"

My mate would say "Thank you yes" in a really vacant way...lol...they couldnt work out what to do! Then my mates would just change the sbject...the bllocks stopped really quickly.

pebblejones · 22/09/2010 20:16

YANBU... I have had similar issues and my DS is following the 50th! My SIL is a teacher (with none of her own kids) but also the worlds leading child rearing expert with lots of opinions on everything! Trust yourself, trust your instincts, breastfeed as long as it is good for you and your baby. Make sure your DH supports you, I spoke to mine about how his family were upsetting me and now he regularly tells them how proud he is of me feeding our baby and how well he's doing etc...

OmniaParatus · 22/09/2010 20:23

I second Fio's suggestion about talking to a bf counsellor to get advice on non-confrontational ways to tell them to stop undermining you. You are not being too sensitive, people making unhelpful comments can be really damaging to your self-esteem when you have a new baby.

If your DD2 is gaining weight you are doing a good job.

If it helps at all my DD is still bf at 18 months, and was on the 9th percentile when she was 3 months. I just checked her on the WHO breastfed baby charts as she is still only 21 pounds at 1.5, and it says she is on the 50th percentile. So don't worry, it's amazing how they grow .

Original poster

PutTheKettleOn · 22/09/2010 20:24

thank you all for the lovely comments - DH is supportive, and I've heard him say to them on a number of occasions that it's up to me how i feed her, and as long as i'm happy then he's happy. He also told SIL we were really happy with her weight gain and what the HV had said. Maybe you're right, we need to be a bit more forceful and say it's actually not an issue and they don't need to keep bringing it up. DH is actually not that bothered and thinks we should just ignore them, he doesn't see why it bothers me!

I think part of it is I miss having a good relationship with MIL - when DD1 was born she was the golden child who could do no wrong and i liked having someone to gush at about all her amazing achievements who didn't get bored ... but then i did top her up with formula on MIL's suggestion, which i then really regretted! And it makes me a bit paranoid that she never rings on the house phone any more, just DH's mobile.

Perhaps I will take the bull by the horns and ring her tomorrow and tell her how well DD2 is doing... in fact i could just lie about her weight and say she has suddenly shot up to the 90th centile, we're not seeing them again til xmas

OP posts:

Gmakes3 · 22/09/2010 20:27

My husband is sat next to me and I have just read this out loud he says " tell them all to f**k off". Keep it up its the best thing you can possibly do for your lo. Was your SIL a specialist in breastfeeding, mu guess is no, so its all subjective. I fed my 2 and I know MIL was dying for me to stop so she could be more involved. She had a different approach, of it would be better for me If I was able to get out more without the baby. She never bothered to ask if I actually wanted to have time without DD (which I didn't). Feel extremely proud that they did not have any formula. One of the best if the best things I have ever done.

ChilledChick2 · 22/09/2010 20:30

Well done OP. If all's going well and your DC is happy and healthy, keep going with the BF and ignore undermining comments.

MummyBerryJuice · 22/09/2010 20:33

YADNBU maybe this will help? I realise that you are not worried but lack of support is seriously depressing. DO you belong to a support group?

I live far away from my mum and have found that the support group has been wonderful, if only to have a cup of tea with other mums that are breastfeeding.

Onetoomanycornettos · 22/09/2010 20:38

Someone else has mentioned this, but it's worth saying it again, that those charts have been shown to be wrong (or rather show babies to be underweight when they are fine) for breastfed babies (they weren't based on them). So, being on the ninth centile is not unusual for an exclusively breastfed baby if they are following it nicely and putting on weight (not all babies can be chubbers).

I'm sorry you are not getting the right support, I would just reassure them that the HV thinks your baby is doing fine and ignore anything else.

devonshiredumpling · 22/09/2010 22:12

i am a breastfeeding counsellor and the way you get over this is that your child will have less health problems later on down the line and each time you feed her she in essence is getting a mini immunisation against all the diseases you have had and throw this into the mix BABY ANIMALS DRINK THEIR MOTHERS MILK SO WHY AS HUMAN BABIES IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO DRINK ANOTHER SPECIES MILK AND NOT AS NATURE INTENDED hope this helps

SirBoobAlot · 22/09/2010 22:17

Tell them to fuck off keep their opinions to themselves if they're not going to support you.

BrightLightBrightLight · 22/09/2010 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mollycuddles · 22/09/2010 22:19

You do need to be a bit more forceful and develop a thicker skin. But in terms of ebf your lovely baby - well done.

I'm lucky enough to still have my DM but she has no idea about bf. The inevitable stupid comments bother me less now. We're in the middle of the 16 week growth spurt and dm suggested a bottle might help??? I just laughed at her and asked "why on earth would I do that?" I'd have been really upset with similar comments with my other two dcs.

Keep on keeping on. :)

SeaTrek · 23/09/2010 07:28

YANBU

My step-mum told me I was starving my DS (and he followed the 50th percentile line). The IL's treated me/BFing as if it was some kind of bizarre sexual act that should be kept secret.

I put a few leaflets/printouts on my fridge about just how good breastmilk is and that you shouldn't wean (another issue) until 6 months+.

My neice and nephew were both below the very bottom percentile line for ages and they were both bottle fed.

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