to be really annoyed with DH's family for lack of support over breastfeeding?

[PutTheKettleOn]

I'm so fed up! DD2 is 3 months and exclusively breastfed. She's a bit little, but she's following the 9th centile line, gaining weight, and HV says she is fine. She feeds around every 2 hours during the day, which HV says is all normal and fine.

We stayed with DH's family last week and i got really fed up with the constant suggestions about why not give her a bottle, comparing her size to DD1 at that age, other kids they knew etc, but I bit my tongue and just kept calmly explaining she was fine. Now SIL has just rung up (who has 3 kids and used to be a nurse and is therefore god when it comes to childrearing according to my inlaws) quizzing DH about her weight, suggesting my milk isn't good quality etc etc.

I'm just fed up! What hurts is MIL used to be quite supportive, with DD1 she was always ringing me during the day to ask how she was, about little milestones etc, it was nice to think she cared so much. DD2 had her 12 week jabs yesterday and noone bothered to ring to ask about that, now she seems to avoid me and just rings DH on his mobile to moan about me BF, they are obsessed with it!

My own mum died several years ago and my dad is useless so it feels like we've got no family support left. It's tough keeping up BF but i was proud i was managing it this time after vstruggling with DD1, so all this is so undermining.

Gah, rant over, am i being too sensitive?!

Hi reshape. I have absolutely no problem with anyone taking an interest, or just saying stuff off the top of their heads. And my daughter is dainty and delicate. So am I You can't ignore that when she was a baby (she's caught up a lot and looks in build like a very small three year old, in that she's slender and looks developed unlike a chubbier young toddler) she was very much smaller than some others.

What has upset me is people (and these are real) saying: "Do you feed her?" "What's wrong with her" "Did you have problems in the womb?" "My god, lah, she's SO small" accompanying a concerned look.

I suppose it works the other way. I have commented on the height, chubbiness of others' kids, but in a wow, they're fit, healthy and raring to go. A very fat baby I'd make a point of not commenting on as the parent has probably had her fill!

Some interesting points, yes i agree people do seem troubled by smaller babies - never occurred to me before as DD1 was such a chubber! Maybe i wouldn't be getting so much stick if i was BF but she was bigger.

Reshape, as to what to say, someone said the other day 'oh she's gorgeous, she's so petite!', which i didn't mind. Just don't say 'was she premature?' as someone did the other day

You're probably all right about the 2nd child not getting as much attention from grandparents anyway... DD1 wasn't the first grandchild but she was the first baby in DH's family for ages (SIL's kids are a lot older) so she was really doted on.

MIL actually rang yesterday (i think DH may have said something) and was very cagey when asking about DD2 just a 'how is she?' and 'ah, ok' when i banged on about how well the HV said she was doing. She then said nothing more about DD2 and spent ages talking about DD1! I think she is now trying to avoid the subject, which i guess is better than how it was before.

Thanks for all the positive messages about BF, i am determined to carry on with it, DD seems very happy with it so that's good enough for me!

Those who have commented that the charts are wrong, out if fate, and based on FF babies; they have recently been revised. The red books should now have the WHO bf charts in them, if you've got your book since some time in 2009 I think it was. My HV specifically commented that the charts in my book (DD is aged 3 weeks) are based on bf babies, so I looked it up to confirm.

Yes, otchayaniye having a smaller baby/child is something people comment on. In my youngest daughter's case, she was always quite petite and remains so, there are children a year older who are taller than her. She also looked quite 'developed' and not round and toddlerish (also had one of those chubby ones!) She learnt to speak very early, and so used to scare people by looking like a petite doll, then coming out with a whole complicated sentence. It was quite funny. Like you, I don't mind at all if people point it out or say 'she's cute' which we used to get a lot. Not everyone is going to be tall and strapping.

I have to confess, though, I didn't go to the health visitor at all with my second, once the first couple of weeks were over. She always looked healthy, fed well and I felt much more confident as a second-time mum and didn't want to queue up in a horrible germy waiting room full of people coughing just to be told she was a normal weight. I kept an eye on it myself, though (got on scales with and without her) just to make sure that there was no issue.

OP, poor you. You've done a great job and the first few weeks of breastfeeding are the hardest.

My DD is quite petite and so am I. But she wasn't when she was born. Overdue and weighed 8lb 10oz. Something like the 81st percentile and somehow she was expected to stay there? Ridiculous. I was very worried about HCPs reaction to DD dropping down the centiles. I wasn't worried myself. It's an awful feeling.

It took a very dear friend, eminently sensible and who is also a paed and knew DD really well from birth, to calm me down and allow me to trust my instincts.

She said that some babies are just a bit overnourished in the womb and then after birth (assuming no health issues) they find their own growth level. And that ebf is a good way of finding this point.

I agree about the big baby = healthy baby attitude. It must go back to when times were hard and a big baby was a sign of health and wealth.

If it all gets too much, and someone suggests formula, you could always say something along the lines of 'Yuk, why would I want to feed my baby something that came from a cow?' I said this once and the other person was shocked that formula was derived from cows' milk. Can you believe?

IME there are quite a few people who don't seem to realise that formula comes from cows' milk. How they think it's made, I don't know. But the word formula gives it some kind of pseudo-scientific approval.

One of the posters suggested that sometimes someone's reaction to bf is about themselves and perhaps reflects their own feelings of regret or whatever, that you are doing something that they wish they could have done. I think this is very true.

You are doing the best thing for your baby, well done you.

Just to put it in perspective (the percentiles thing that is) a 20 y/o woman on the 9th percentile is 5' 1" and weighs 7st 9lbs. A 20 y/o woman on the 98th percentile is 5' 9" and weighs 12st 6lbs.

Do people commiserate with or insult the parents of a adult who is 5'1" or congratulate the parents of a 5'9" woman? No, we just accept that adults come in different sizes and deal with it. How do people think that adults can grow to be short or tall if all children are exactly the same size? Do some 8 year olds stop growing because they have got to their adult height but some carry on until they are 18?

I know of which I speak, DD! was at 2nd percentile for weight but 91st for height at one point due to reflux and DD3 was born just under 91st for weight but plummeted due to RSV/bronchiolitis to the 2nd, she's know getting bigger (9th!!) due to bfing when ever she wants and at least 1pint of double cream a week! She can still fit in to some clothes she wore in January now at 11.5mo so I got the 'big baby' crap at the beginning (did you have diabetes??) and now I get 'isn't she tiny, is she 6 months?/was she prem' comments
Congratulations on getting to 3 months bfing with such little family support. I would definitely 2nd (or 3rd) the suggestion to go to a bfing group. You will get lots of support and help to overcome the attitudes of your ils (and obviously keep coming on mn too).

Off topic, but re book on how to bottle feed.

I really wanted to bf, but was physically unable to (yes, I really tried, the midwives at the hospital couldn't believe how long I stuck at it). I would have really loved a book/leaflet on bottle feeding. I hadn't planned at all for it and so came home with nothing in place at all except what OH had rather randomly picked up in Boots.

We were very much left in the deep end, and we ended up using SMA milk because that was the name I could remember my mother used (she also physically couldn't bf - issue with her milk).

I really admire someone who bf. I think it is so important and it would have been great if I could have done it. All credit for you to sticking to your guns. And I have never really 'got' this centile business. Healthy comes in all shapes and sizes and knickers to the busybodies.

Was just about to post re what is 'normal' but truthsweet beat me to it. To think 9th percentile indicates a problem is not to understand that people are different sizes - are your DH and MIL exactly the same weight?

My dd is following the 2nd percentile (75th for height) and is very slender. we have had all kinds of nonsense from hvs but we had a very interesting talk with a paediatrician who was about 6'2 and a size 8-10 and who reminded us that 'some people are tall and slim'.

Angels - imagine that! Realising 'formula feeding mums' (for that is all they are defined as after all) are also just normal women and mothers doing the best for their children just like 'real' mums!

Hi YANBU! I was criticised by ILs beause my DS was a chubster and they thought I was overfeeding him! Some people just feel very uncomfortable with bfeeding I think but I had a fab moment around about 3-4 months in when I realised that no-one could actually stop me, I could do what I bloody well wanted! I know that maybe sounds obvious but I found the criticism really deflating. V.supportive mum but she lives ages away and I was really hoping my ILs would be more supportive. I think at some point my DH effectively told them it was not up for discussion anymore - our choice which we were all very happy with! That helped. I joined a bfeeding support group at 6 months, more for a coffee and chat than anything and they really helped to normalise the experience for me - I kept going for yonks after that. Hope you are feeling better.

YANBU unreasonable but my family were completely by my deciding to breastfeed and in truth I think they were faintly disgusted. Tell your DH to tell them to mind their own business
My mother did the whole,
how much is she getting
she's very skinny
would you not give her a bottle - but only milupa cos cow and gate fattens them up
Then from about 6 weeks, when are you giving her babyrice. It is any wonder I am slim given the upbringing I had !!