to be really annoyed with DH's family for lack of support over breastfeeding?

[PutTheKettleOn]

I'm so fed up! DD2 is 3 months and exclusively breastfed. She's a bit little, but she's following the 9th centile line, gaining weight, and HV says she is fine. She feeds around every 2 hours during the day, which HV says is all normal and fine.

We stayed with DH's family last week and i got really fed up with the constant suggestions about why not give her a bottle, comparing her size to DD1 at that age, other kids they knew etc, but I bit my tongue and just kept calmly explaining she was fine. Now SIL has just rung up (who has 3 kids and used to be a nurse and is therefore god when it comes to childrearing according to my inlaws) quizzing DH about her weight, suggesting my milk isn't good quality etc etc.

I'm just fed up! What hurts is MIL used to be quite supportive, with DD1 she was always ringing me during the day to ask how she was, about little milestones etc, it was nice to think she cared so much. DD2 had her 12 week jabs yesterday and noone bothered to ring to ask about that, now she seems to avoid me and just rings DH on his mobile to moan about me BF, they are obsessed with it!

My own mum died several years ago and my dad is useless so it feels like we've got no family support left. It's tough keeping up BF but i was proud i was managing it this time after vstruggling with DD1, so all this is so undermining.

Gah, rant over, am i being too sensitive?!

I remember it well. Mil was nightmare with ds or I felt that she didn't approve but by Dd she was more supportive.

I can't do links but kellysmom.com has growth charts designed with breastfed babies in mind.

You doing brill don't let anyone put you down!!

I experienced a similar thing with DS1 so I stubbornly continued feeding him until he was nearly 3. Interestingly they've never mentioned how I feed DS2.

You are doing an excellent job, your baby is exactly the size she is supposed to be.

Babies not prize pumpkins remember!

I would stop biting my tongue if I was you. The comments are picking up pace for me now that DS2 is 6 months and I have been quite confrontational with people if they bring it up. Works a treat, they never mention it again IME.

Your SIL is a nurse and she questioned your milk quality? She needs to go on a course.

I know, I know, the thing is I remember when SIL was BF her eldest (now 10) and she got all the 'rod for your own back' stuff from the inlaws, so i thought she would be a bit more sympathetic. I think she just likes sticking her oar in, she was also roped in to try and talk me out of a water birth (which i ignored - ha!)

Fiolondon thanks for the la leche league link, some fab tips on there, i will be using them... unless like others suggested i go for the 'fuck off' approach

Feeling a lot better about it all today, in fact even more determined to carry on with BF as long as I can instead of stopping at 6 months like I was going to!

Your SIL, for example, is an idiot.

the suggestion that your BM is inferior in quality to formula is laughable and she certainly doesn't deserve her crown as the family 'baby expert'.

You are doing a fantastic job for your DD, there is nothing wrong with her being small, as someone said earlier adults come in all shapes and sizes, as do babies. You will know if your DD is healthy and happy, and that is all that matters.

Was DD1 the first grandchild? That may account for the extreme interest last time and somewhat less with DD2.

WHO guidelines are that babies should be EBF for 6 months, and BF should continue til AGE TWO FGS!!! Tell your SIL/MIL to stick that in her pipe and smoke it.

Your DH needs to stick up for you, say how proud he is of you for feeding your daughter and tell his family that if they can't say anything positive, they shouldn't comment at all.

Fiolondon that LLL link is excellent, thank you.

You are doing brilliantly - and I know others have said, but I'm going to say it again, it's up to you how you feed your baby and for how long. It really is no-one else's business. If ther HVs were worried - they would've told you by now. Maybe your baby is just a smaller child than your DD1 - that's not beyond the realms of possibility. My friend has a petite DD1 and could never get over how big her DD2 was in comparison. People are different shapes and sizes - babies are too.

I had the opposite problem to you, though. My mum didn't BF me so had no real comment or input but my MIL did (she BF'd 6 babies!!). I think my MIL thought she was being supportive, but really she wasn't. In her day, babies were BF'd every 4 hours - no demand feeding. She would constantly comment on my demand feeding, saying that DD1 was over fed, that the green poo in the nappy was evidence. My DD1 was off the chart - she was a whopper. This meant I constantly asked HVs and, again, they weren't concerned. MIL hardly ever held DD1 - she said she was too heavy for her to carry.

I ended up bfeeding DD1 until she was 2 and a half. By which time, I'd had DD2. DD2 was a different kettle of fish - very pukey, reflux, colicky and cried a lot. I did tandem feed, particularly as MIL kept telling me that the reason that DD2 was sick was that my milk was 'too rich' because I was still feeding DD1, too (Did I mention I am incredibly stubborn? :)) After feeding six of her own you'd've thought she'd've noticed how rich the first lot of milk is for newborns.

Oh - and she used to be a nurse too.

MILs - best ignored, I think.

Big shout of support for you sticking with the BF. I was so grateful for all the support I had when BF - it turned out to be one of the things I have been most proud of achieving & because of this support & advise (esp from older experienced BF'ers) I BF much longer than I initially expected with DD not really having any formula at all.

It's a shame your inlaws are undermining you but YOU are the babys mother & YOU know best. Your inlaws are being insensitive, unhelpful and ignorant. If they keep on about it you may have to firmly tell them just how very unhelpful & unsupportive they are being & how you miss their support and appreciated it when they were there for you.

Lots of BF support here on MN - seek it out when you need it.

PS some of the biggest boozers and least healthy and knowledgable people I have every know have been nurses! I've flat shared with many over the years.

how about making it look like you've taken their concerns on board, discussed them with professionals and concluded that they're wrong and should shut up.

"I know you're worried about dd so I had a chat with the hv. We looked at her weight gain and feeding patterns and everything's fine. she said exclusive breast feeding is brilliant for her immune system, perfect for growth and the best thing for her and I really should keep it going."

and, if needs be, a firm "so can we let it lie now"

You are not being over sensitive they are being insensitive and poking noses in. Stay strong and when they bring it up ask them to explain what they are saying how they feel about it and why - they will soon back down. They just have a bee in their bonnet over this - TBH I think nearly every Mum has someones oppinion thrust opon them re feeding .... the world is obsessed with it :) Keep strong and maybe ask DP to back you up a bit also xxx

I was browsing in a book shop yesterday and found a book with the title "How to bottle-feed your Baby"[shocked]

Couldn't resist looking at it. Turns out it was written by a mum of 6, highly qualified academic who BF all her children, however understands that all DC can't be BF for one reason or another.

Spoke about what type of bottles to use, sterilisation of bottles, equipment etc.

Then today, all the news breaks on every channel ran the story that another academic wants all baby fomula to be prescription only.

The idea being that more mums would try BF rather than running to the Dr. for a prescription all the time.

why didn't my work. I just found out I typed shocked instead of shock

If it carries on like this (particularly with your SIL digging like that) then I would really sit them down and explain slowly again that she is gaining weight, all are happy, not all babies are meant to be massive etc and to LEAVE YOU ALONE!!!!

My MIL is lovely but she also has funny ideas which I see as a generational thing. I had loads of comments about how I didn't have enough milk (he used to be very fussy at the breast), and then recently (he's nearly one) I was told my milk was probably running out (because we had a week when it was difficult to get him to bed), WTF???

My DS went from the 9th to just under the 50th centile and stayed there till he started solids, when he levelled off a little but the HV said it was completely normal and he's a complete gannet! I used to text my MIL his weight every time I went to clinic in a "there, see?!" kind of way.

Now we are quite open with each other about the fact that we disagree on a lot of parenting stuff and the mood has lightened. I confess I am very PFB and do loads of reaserch about everything as that's me. But it's accepted so it's easier all round.

I do agree with what another poster said about your DD being your second so the interest levels would not be so high, sad but true.

Your're doing great, carry on!

Makes you so cross doesn't it!

Same probs here. DD was on 2nd centile and BF every 2 hours for AGES. I have had just about every hurtful comment going. Now I just tell people to piss off

oh dear, poor you! If it's any consolation, DS was on the 9th centile all the way, and was EBF. He also bf for 2h at a time to start with but he had a tonguetie that had been picked up (on my request/insistence of checking) at the hospital by the bf'ing expert. I had that snipped at 3w, made such a difference!

I think I was lucky though that no one questioned me (maybe I'm just too scary! ) as my own mum had passed away while I was pg, my sister never bf and my MIL was in Australia after DS was 5wo.

Your SIL sounds pretty ignorant, nurse or not - ignore her. Shame your MIL has backed off - perhaps she doesn't seem to think that you need so much support this time around - perhaps you could mention that you miss her calls? Mind you, if she is only not phoning you because she is trying not to interfere, then you're probably best off with her not calling!

It astounds me that people are so fucking dense about bf

Human babies have been fed by their mothers since we came into existence!

Your SIL is a muppet

1. your milk is NOT bad/poor

1. your milk is not due to "run out" - unless you start bottle feeding

1. formula is inferior to breast milk, every time

I know you know all this OP, but it really fucking gets my goat

ell them unless they KNOW what they are talking about, to stop worrying/interfering/being a bunch of fuckwits

People Are so weird! Do they think stressing you is going to help? lool just blank them, completely stick with it you re doing great xxx

Why were you 'shocked' to find a book on bottle feeding Angels ?

OP it is hard but you need to ignore them and carry on with what you know is best for your dd. They really should back the fuck off but people just don't do they? sigh

I bottle fed and didn't give a shit about what anyone thought as I knew my dc were both thriving, healthy and, most importantly, happy.

However the stuff about them showing more interest in DD1, I'm afraid you just have to suck up. There's rarely the same excitement/obsession with the second baby, even though they all love her just as much.

x

proudnglad, I guess I was shocked because I have been brainwashed by MN that it is practically illegal to formula feed babies

It was actually quite an informative booklet. I skimmed through it in about 10 minutes and it made me realise that mums who formula feed are pretty much left to their own devices.

The thing is, some of them need as much help and support as the mums who BF.

I BF both of mine until about 8 months, My best friend formula fed her two (the same age as mine).

Guess what! There has been no difference in their growth or their health.

I second the comment about small babies troubling people. It it not the obverse of comments about big babies (different issues of perceived criticism regarding overfeeding) Small, thinner babies in some cultures signify to some people lack of development and illness. This is of course, wrong, and children come in all sizes. But it's a pervasive myth that healthy children are 'over the 50th centile' and that you should do whatever's in your power (mix feed, wean early) to get them over this golden average.

I have a stunningly beautiful (no really, she is), slender two year old. She was 4 weeks early, was 5lb and just small. I'm small. Looking back over the photos she really chubbed up in the first four weeks, but I couldn't see that because I was wracked with nerves and worry and constantly told by Chinese people (I had her in Singapore, where some people like to overfeed their babies my paed said because they favour chubby babies) that she was too small, underfed, sick, etc etc.

I had to accept that some people didn't find her as attractive because she didn't have fat cheeks or any folds.

It coloured my breastfeeding relationship in the early days. I fed 18 hours out of 24 and the other 6 were spent weighing nappies and reading Kellymom. I was a wreck. It took about 4 months to feel less nervous.

I still breastfeed her at 23 months and she's never had formula. Weaned BLW at 7 months and she's a wonderful eater and she's still slim, but very active. But she has caught up imperceptibly and I no longer constantly compare her size with others. Although I did laugh when I saw a friend's baby yesterday - 5 months and she's almost as big as my daughter!

But even my mum, who breastfed me for 18 months, has made comments (more along the lines that I'm too attached and silly for co-sleeping until recently, and not letting her cry) and wasn't that supportive. But we have issues anyway.

You are unlikely to change MIL's opinion by talk of immunity, breastfed charts, WHO advice.

You're just going have to gloss over it/downplay it/lie/change the subject/turn the subject to other milestones.

Oh, and yes, it hurts when one grandparent seems more into one child over another, or that one grandparent is more supportive than another. My MIL is crazy about my daughter and can't praise me enough (just wait until I get on to the subject of my unconditional parenting, then she'll go nuts). My own mother hardly bothers to see her .

Good luck, and know that you are feeding her the best stuff and setting out a good basis for your future relationship.

Another point to make is that people are sometimes troubled by breastfeeding (and maybe her smaller size is raising the topic more often).

Sometimes I think it is quite deep rooted - a breastfeeding mother is to some a poignant reminder of how people wish they' been treated or how they wish they'd treated their children. It's quite powerful. and not really about the sexualisation of breasts.

Everyone wants you do do it, but in private and to never mention it.

Apropos of this discussion, how would parents of smaller babies like to hear them described? (In admiring tones, obviously.) I fully understand that some babies have to be below average size, just as some have to be above average.

But if I meet an adorable 3 month old baby who is dinky, it just slips out: 'Oh, he's lovely, he's so dainty/delicate'. I know this sort of comment makes people see red and I can understand that. I never mean it in a perjorative way, or mean it to imply that the baby's starved! So, as a matter of interest, if you have a baby who follows the 9th centile, would you rather the petite nature of your baby wasn't mentioned at all?

(This is a genuine enquiry and not a stirring exercise!

both mine stuck to the 9th centile all the way..... and ebf but then i and my family are tiny