Am I being OTT and PFBish?

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh lordy - I honestly don?t know if I?m being a bit unreasonable PFB-ish

Another long Sterry post. Sorry!

Background: our 13 month old DS is adopted - in fact the adoption order has been granted this very week, 8 months after he came to live with us, which is amazing and gives us full parental rights, and means he is legally ours forever.

As part of the adoption order, we attend a separate court date, called the pronouncement, or celebration hearing. This is a very special formal occasion, where we sign the adoption paperwork in the Judge?s Chambers at Crown Court, and go all togged up, with professional photographers etc. very big deal. This hearing will be in the next 3 weeks.

We are inviting my parents and DH?s parents, my sister and her partner and DH?s brother and his partner. DH?s brother has a 3 year old daughter, and this is where the potential unreasonable opinion is.

I really don?t want her to come to the hearing, as she is (bless her) a bit of a spoilt young lady, who loves the limelight and being the centre of attention. I know, I know and I?m sure lots of 3 yo?s are the same, but here are a few examples.

1. On DS?s birthday when everyone was singing ?Happy Birthday? to him, she was jumping up and down on a chair screaming ?Sing to me, sing to me? at the top of her voice.
2. On DS?s birthday, she knocked a piece of birthday cake out of another child?s hand and said ?Mine?s gone. None for you? Her parents found that v funny
3. Whenever DS goes to his grandparents house, she refuses point blank to share ANY toy with him, let him sit in HER chair, or even eat with him. She also stated to their grandma that DS ?can?t kiss grandma? We let these things go - she did have grandma to herself for a long while, and I understand that it might be hard for her to understand - but nobody tries to explain it, except me and DH

Now, the fault lies with her parents (Dh?s brother and partner) and with her grandparents (Dh?s Mum and Dad) as they constantly indulge and spoil her - they never explain that her behaviour is inappropriate and just laugh it off.

It?s fine - we laughed at his party, and wrote it off as a ?funny? incident, and we would never dream of telling anyone else how to parent their child. DH?s parents are very precious-first-grandchild-ish about her, and have care for her twice a week, and she is always allowed to be the centre of attention at every and all family gathering

This is why we don?t want her at the hearing. It?s very much about DS and about welcoming him to our family. It marks the end of an enormous slog to get him, and is a very formal occasion, which we have been looking forward to for a long time.
I?m honestly not a grump, and I do understand the value and importance of family and of other children, and honestly, if she were a more easy-going child I wouldn?t have a problem. But based on ALL past experiences with her, I just know that she will ?steal the show? and I also know (and this is the problem) that her parents won?t do anything to prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to not want her there? And how do I tell them that I don?t want her there?

Gah - preparing for a bit of a flaming. Be gentle!

Congratulations

I'm glad you've decided to ask her not to come. Especially if your DHs family have been as unsupportive and useless as they sound, this day should be damn near perfect for you! And whilst her behaviour might be within the realms of normal, everyone ignoring and encouraging it is not.

Let her steal the show on the naming day, when you've had enough wine not to care

I hope it all goes brilliantly for you.

I think you are right to do whatever you think is best in this circumstance, but I wonder whether it could have been used as an opportunity to highlight to her parents and grandparents that she is a little over indulged? I don't mean cause a massive rift, but to add that yes, it's very long and formal, but also explain how important it is for your son to be the one in the limelight in this instance. Might they get the hint?

I think you are feeling a little sensitive about your DS not being your biological DS, and that is why you are so concerned with this little girl not being centre of attention.
She won't be - your lovely DS will be. You need to know that everyone loves your DS as your DS, whether or not he is your biological child. They do and, more importantly, YOU do.
I don't think you should exlude DNeice. This isn't really about her, is it? (And she is just being a totally normal 3-year-ld - you know that, don;t you?)

Dollius - I'm absolutely not sensitive about ds not being my biological son. That issue is a hurdle we leapt many years ago. It is genuinely about not wanting our niece, whether her behaviour is "normal" or not, to be there when our son is pronounced. Having spoken to sw, fellow adopters and wise adopters on mn, it is not the place for a child, and cousins (especially littlies) are generally not included. It is about our ds, but actually dh's family don't actually love him as their grandchild/nephew. They barely know him and have very much struggled to engage with the adoption. My mil still calls him her "adopted grandson" and dh's brother has never referred to him as his nephew. If it wasn't for trying to extend the olive branch and do the right thing (if only so that we can tell ds that we did everything we could when he's older) I would gladly not have any of them there.

Effectively, we want this one very special occasion where ds is pronounced to be solely about him, and after the general consensus of support on here, I now feel strengthened and fully justified in politely excluding our niece on just this 1 occasion.

Thanks all for the congrats and the wise words on both sides of the debate :)

I know nothing of the process, but if others who do know have told you it is not a place for little ones. Then simply say no children are invited.

Personally i would also be having a word with grandparents about calling him the "adopted grandson". Either refer to him as a grandson or by name, if they cant manage that.

Congratulations and hope you have a great day

Well, you know I started off saying that perhaps niece should be there, then I changed my mind thinking that it would be too formal.

And now I think-so bloody what if OP wants this to be about her son & there to be no distractions from him at all.

There is going to be a party a few days later(?) where by the sounds of it the niece will have plenty of chance to be the centre of attention.

For those of us who haven´t adopted, it´s perhaps nigh on impossible to get how momentous this is-so, so what if OP does want her son to be the only child there.

And can I just give ILs and BIL a kick up the arse!

You're giving the family more consideration that they are giving you, it seems, but that seems to be the sort of person you are, and it is important to satisfy yourself that you have examined all the issues correctly. Now that you have talked this out for yourself, you can do this without regrets!

Have a lovely day, whenever it is.