Am I being OTT and PFBish?

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh lordy - I honestly don?t know if I?m being a bit unreasonable PFB-ish

Another long Sterry post. Sorry!

Background: our 13 month old DS is adopted - in fact the adoption order has been granted this very week, 8 months after he came to live with us, which is amazing and gives us full parental rights, and means he is legally ours forever.

As part of the adoption order, we attend a separate court date, called the pronouncement, or celebration hearing. This is a very special formal occasion, where we sign the adoption paperwork in the Judge?s Chambers at Crown Court, and go all togged up, with professional photographers etc. very big deal. This hearing will be in the next 3 weeks.

We are inviting my parents and DH?s parents, my sister and her partner and DH?s brother and his partner. DH?s brother has a 3 year old daughter, and this is where the potential unreasonable opinion is.

I really don?t want her to come to the hearing, as she is (bless her) a bit of a spoilt young lady, who loves the limelight and being the centre of attention. I know, I know and I?m sure lots of 3 yo?s are the same, but here are a few examples.

1. On DS?s birthday when everyone was singing ?Happy Birthday? to him, she was jumping up and down on a chair screaming ?Sing to me, sing to me? at the top of her voice.
2. On DS?s birthday, she knocked a piece of birthday cake out of another child?s hand and said ?Mine?s gone. None for you? Her parents found that v funny
3. Whenever DS goes to his grandparents house, she refuses point blank to share ANY toy with him, let him sit in HER chair, or even eat with him. She also stated to their grandma that DS ?can?t kiss grandma? We let these things go - she did have grandma to herself for a long while, and I understand that it might be hard for her to understand - but nobody tries to explain it, except me and DH

Now, the fault lies with her parents (Dh?s brother and partner) and with her grandparents (Dh?s Mum and Dad) as they constantly indulge and spoil her - they never explain that her behaviour is inappropriate and just laugh it off.

It?s fine - we laughed at his party, and wrote it off as a ?funny? incident, and we would never dream of telling anyone else how to parent their child. DH?s parents are very precious-first-grandchild-ish about her, and have care for her twice a week, and she is always allowed to be the centre of attention at every and all family gathering

This is why we don?t want her at the hearing. It?s very much about DS and about welcoming him to our family. It marks the end of an enormous slog to get him, and is a very formal occasion, which we have been looking forward to for a long time.
I?m honestly not a grump, and I do understand the value and importance of family and of other children, and honestly, if she were a more easy-going child I wouldn?t have a problem. But based on ALL past experiences with her, I just know that she will ?steal the show? and I also know (and this is the problem) that her parents won?t do anything to prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to not want her there? And how do I tell them that I don?t want her there?

Gah - preparing for a bit of a flaming. Be gentle!

Sterry not Street

Thanks, all, for the congratulations

Her parents would still be able to attend, scurry - that?s not a problem at all
And I don?t think they would be offended - they?ve often go on weekends away without her, and tell us how relieved they are to be able to have that time

That?s the point, Diddl - from what my social worker said, there wouldn?t be an opportunity to take things to distract her or occupy her - it?s a very formal hearing that would be in close quarters, and any kind of playing or having drinks/snacks would very much distract from the ceremony. Also - based on past experiences - I don?t think they would take her out, even if we asked them. And, after speaking to my SW today, once the court is in session, it?s sort of locked doors - not really an opportunity to come and go as you please - we?d have to ask to be let out and let back in again.
It takes about an hour, and then photographs.

Gah! I just don?t know what to do

I think I would be inclined to say that you've been advised by the officials at the court that only the siblings of the adopted child can be present inside the court. Say that you're really sorry but perhaps she could come along to the party or maybe join you all on the steps of the court for a wider-family photo.

At DS's naming day (and perhaps the post-court party) I'd get together a bag of special bits and bobs for her to do in a corner somewhere...

sterrryerryoh - so sad that some people haven't accepted him as family. What pillocks

Sterry, I remember your other thread about the pregnant cousin (was it a cousin?)

From what you said then I think there were issues with your DH's parents recognising your DS as a true family member? Please forgive me if I've got that wrong.

Is there an issue that you think the grandparents will be lavishing attention on their DGD and not on your DS? I can totally understand you not wanting that to happen. It's not PFB, it's a natural human emotion.

Adoptionnamechanger - thanks - that?s really useful info. Thank you for sharing that.
We have got permission for her to come, and we have an actual photographer that the court/ss have supplied, so that?s all sorted.
I think we shall just not invite her - it wouldn?t be fair on her, us or them tbh, and I don?t think she?d get anything out of it. Plus, we are having a party the following week, and wouldn?t dream of excluding her from that
Thanks all - I know I?m being a bit precious, but I feel like I?m due! I?m going to enjoy being a Mum-Zilla!!!

Well if that´s the case I think you need to explain to her parents that it´s just not suitable for her.

Yes "court in session" & a three year old doesn´t sound a good mix!

Withorwithoutyou - yes, that was me! And yes, the grandparents are very granddaughter centred. It?s not so much about that, as just wanting the day for us, really. And no, some members of the family can?t relate at all, but we?ve sodded them off!

I might stretch the truth slightly and tell them that your social worker has told you not to bring any children other than DS with you. But appreciate that this may mean your BIL and/or his wife can't come either.

Glad to hear that sterry.

I think you are 100% within your rights to not have her there. Enjoy

Presumably you are taking your DS? If you then say "no children" your lie is going to be very obvious surely?

She is not exhibiting normal 3 year old behaviour, I would be appalled if my children acted like she does!

More importantly though, is that the parents/grandparents allow her to behave like this and they would spoil the day for you. I don't think you are be unreasonable at all not wanting her there, shame though it is.

How you would tell them this though, I don't know - it's a shame you aren't inviting a few friends with children so you could make it a 'child free' ocassion (except for little legally yours of course!! LOL).

However, if I were you, it would be easy as I would NOT be inviting any of them!

He HAS to be there by law, Nancy - but other children are generally dissuaded.

I think its fine to not have her this once. It's a very special day for you, and it sounds as though it's not a suitable occasion for children.

However, you may have to resign yourself to some child or other stealing the show from your son at every other special event you ever plan for him. Because that's kids. :)

Oh yes, Trubert - and having waited such a long time for DS I?m so looking forward to being part of family events with loads of kids there. Throughout our ?infertility campaign? it was always bitter-sweet attending stuff, with no DC. We are really up for the warts-and-all stuff about parenting, and I have no problems whatsoever in things not going to plan. It?s just this day? it?s hard to explain? he?s going to be ours!
Adoptionnamechanger said it really well when she likened it to giving birth, I think - I can?t actually think of anything else to compare it to - it?s just, well, massive!
I?m very excited - can you tell?

It was the first thing that occured to me, that this is your version of giving birth, and I think, fine to have who you want there. Court can be tedious for anyone with a short attention span (3yo or not). There is a party, which she can come to.

It is quite obvious that you are over the moon with your DS, congratulations. I'm quite moved actually (combination of pregnancy hormones and having a dear friend who just adopted). Enjoy it and don't worry about any nonsense!

I'm excited for you, and I don't even know your (in a lovely way) fantastically PFB DS

sterry
i remember your last thread and posted on it.

you are entitled to this day without anyone spoiling/distracting/being a pain !!!!
you are particularly entitled to this day because of your last thread!!!

stretch the truth as another poster has already suggested and say that no children, bar yours of course for legal reasons, can be there.

have the most amazing day and very best of luck to the 3 of you!!

I also love using the term PFB - because although he wasn?t born to me, but it just feels like exactly the right expression!

How exciting, congratulations!

Courts are extremely formal places and not generally somewhere for children to be. You'd be doing her a favour if she can be at her granny's eating biscuits or whatever instead of bored and restless.

I wouldn't want to take my toddler dd to court for something like this, god no! I'd want to concentrate on it and probably have a bit of a quiet blub myself and she would just be a distraction.

Apologies for the grammar in that last post - I?m all over the shop at the moment.
Thanks all for your perspectives. I can admit that on one hand I might be excluding a little girl for selfish reasons, but on the other hand - it?s good to be selfish now and again!
Thank you, Ohcobblers - bloody MN gets me ever so teary at the moment

See, Besom, that?s good! I?m actually being altruistic by not inviting her, as everyone can have a cry with no distractions

:)

Wow, I managed to cross post with half of MN!

I'm glad you have decided not to invite her, it isn't appropriate (not even if she wasn't a spoilt madam!).

She can come to the naming party so she isn't missing out.

You are still being far more 'generous' inviting them than I would be!

I know, chipping, and believe me, there have been times when we didn?t even want to tell them about it. But we had a very serious chat about the future, and if we show DS the photos, and none of DH?s family are there because we didn?t invite them, then I think that reflects badly on us. At least we?re trying. There are no guarantees that they?ll even come as it?s a weekday and they all work. My parents and sister and Bil are taking the day off work, but we?ve not had a reply from DH?s side yet.

All this hand-wringing on my part could well end up for nowt if they don?t even come, hey?

Sterry enjoy a bit of PFB time!

No need to lie, just a slight ommission - DS has to be there; SW said court not suitable for other children.