Am I being OTT and PFBish?

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh lordy - I honestly don?t know if I?m being a bit unreasonable PFB-ish

Another long Sterry post. Sorry!

Background: our 13 month old DS is adopted - in fact the adoption order has been granted this very week, 8 months after he came to live with us, which is amazing and gives us full parental rights, and means he is legally ours forever.

As part of the adoption order, we attend a separate court date, called the pronouncement, or celebration hearing. This is a very special formal occasion, where we sign the adoption paperwork in the Judge?s Chambers at Crown Court, and go all togged up, with professional photographers etc. very big deal. This hearing will be in the next 3 weeks.

We are inviting my parents and DH?s parents, my sister and her partner and DH?s brother and his partner. DH?s brother has a 3 year old daughter, and this is where the potential unreasonable opinion is.

I really don?t want her to come to the hearing, as she is (bless her) a bit of a spoilt young lady, who loves the limelight and being the centre of attention. I know, I know and I?m sure lots of 3 yo?s are the same, but here are a few examples.

1. On DS?s birthday when everyone was singing ?Happy Birthday? to him, she was jumping up and down on a chair screaming ?Sing to me, sing to me? at the top of her voice.
2. On DS?s birthday, she knocked a piece of birthday cake out of another child?s hand and said ?Mine?s gone. None for you? Her parents found that v funny
3. Whenever DS goes to his grandparents house, she refuses point blank to share ANY toy with him, let him sit in HER chair, or even eat with him. She also stated to their grandma that DS ?can?t kiss grandma? We let these things go - she did have grandma to herself for a long while, and I understand that it might be hard for her to understand - but nobody tries to explain it, except me and DH

Now, the fault lies with her parents (Dh?s brother and partner) and with her grandparents (Dh?s Mum and Dad) as they constantly indulge and spoil her - they never explain that her behaviour is inappropriate and just laugh it off.

It?s fine - we laughed at his party, and wrote it off as a ?funny? incident, and we would never dream of telling anyone else how to parent their child. DH?s parents are very precious-first-grandchild-ish about her, and have care for her twice a week, and she is always allowed to be the centre of attention at every and all family gathering

This is why we don?t want her at the hearing. It?s very much about DS and about welcoming him to our family. It marks the end of an enormous slog to get him, and is a very formal occasion, which we have been looking forward to for a long time.
I?m honestly not a grump, and I do understand the value and importance of family and of other children, and honestly, if she were a more easy-going child I wouldn?t have a problem. But based on ALL past experiences with her, I just know that she will ?steal the show? and I also know (and this is the problem) that her parents won?t do anything to prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to not want her there? And how do I tell them that I don?t want her there?

Gah - preparing for a bit of a flaming. Be gentle!

I totally understand....we had a brat of a kid almost wreck DD's 1st birthday...he wasnt even a relative and there's not ONE photo without this big headed kids mush shoved in it! His dozy mother just sat there smiling the whole time!

Now though we look back at it and it's a funny memory of the day...I was so sensitive that it all had to be perfect...perfect cake, perfect baby etc....there''s one pic of my DD with her cake and this kid...lets call him Harry...is in it and he's blowing out her candles! Lol...I didn't laugh at the time but I do now...so does DD who is 6...I now know that nothing will spoil your families incredible day...not a screamy kid or a bossy one...it will always be HIS day no matter what bratty pants does...invite everyone...have a mad fun time and take loads of pics. Many many congratualations.

I will agree with others who have said her behaviour is not normal.

Children love attention, yes, but taking cake away because theirs has gone-how many children would think of that?

And begrudging another child having "Happy Birthday" sung to them.

Does she get no attention from her parents?

Well, have rambled on & still not said congratulations & I hope it all goes well.

i would just advise them it's a formal event that might not be a geat environment for a young child. if they're taking the day off work, maybe the girl is already in nursery or something?

Maud- thanks - been waiting ages to have PFB moments
Anenome - party no probs, we just found her ?sing to me? moment rather charming, and ignored it. Different story in court, though, when it should all be about DS. I?m sure she?ll make her presence felt at the party - along with tonnes of other kids

Diddl - thanks for the congrats. No, she doesn?t get much attention from her parents. Gets loads from the grandparents though - and they are SO SO cautious with her. I feel for the little mite, tbh, they follow her around everywhere, she?s never allowed to get mucky, and she has their attention 100% of the time. It?s no surprise to me that she?s a bit of a madam. (very comical one)

Chandellina - yes it?s a weekday, and BIL and SIL both work, so childcare will be no problem, as she is normally in childcare anyway. I don?t know if she?s in nursery or not yet, but one of DH?s cousins is a SAHM and often has her as well as her own DC, so there?ll be no probs with that

btw sterry, you do "know" me n MN

It never occured to me to invite anyone who wasn't going to treat the occasion with sensitivity (adult or child) - its not a mad fun day as someone described or a party or even a celebration untinged with poignancy if its like ours. There were only three adults plus DS plus social workers and lawyer at ours.

It was probably the most moving and momentous day of my life and yet I was at least on a subliminal level aware that it was in fact a sad day too, for what DS had lost as well as a celebration.

Based on your previous thread, I think its quite likely that they won't come because they won't understand its importance to you. Frankly I didn't want to be bothered with "guests" on the day - too busy squeezing DS in awe much to his confusion!

i would let her come,we were in court for about 5 mins and it was all over.bit of an anti climax actually.if its a family court they are very child friendly,the waiting area is another matter!

You want this occasion to be special for your DS...quite right too...can't you tell the parents that children aren't encouraged to be in courts...quite possibly they aren't.The not sharing toys and stuff are perfectly normal behaviour for 3 year olds...my DS used to completely embarrass me sometimes when playing with friends childrenbut i don't think yabu,have a party afterwards and she can go to that

My DD also once blew out her brother's candles on his birthday cake...horrid little girl...we didn't make a fuss,but DP took her out quietly and told her off and she said sorry(somewhat begrudgingly)

yanbu

i'd just say it's not appropriate as it's formal. the party the week after is for kids.

i wouldn't take offense at that.

sterry first of all congratulations.

I can completely understand what you mean. This will be a very special day for you and your ds and it should be about him.

The celebration hearing we attended last year for our dd was lovely but not at all formal:
we waited outside the court for 30 minutes past our time as judge was running late with previous family.
Went into the judges chambers where she had a chat with dd (age 2.5 at the time) and gave her a certificate.
Went back into court where we took loads of phtos of family and dd in judges chair wearing her wig.
Judge gave dd a bag of tat toys donated by the local football club.
That was it over in about 20 minutes. We took my mum, fil, ds (age 10) and adult dd. There was no ban on children. I don't think your neice should go though as it is a day for your ds. We all went for a meal afterwards. If you are having any kind of celebration after the court could she join you for that.

Whatever you decide have a lovely day

I wouldn't invite her either.

DH is adopted and has had the thing of not quite being included in his wider family in the same way as some of the other kids. I would see this occassion as as chance for the relatives to see that your ds was absolutely part of the wider family and to formally acknowledge that.

Have a great day.

I think a court is a highly innapropriate place for her to be. Don't you have to be 12yrs old to get in? Tell her parents this.

Hi sterry- remember your last thread- is it all sorted with your fuckwits-in-laws?
Yep I agree with everyone else, just say it's not for kids except the child being adopted, I wouldn't question that at all!
Hope
everythings ok, congrats again!

You are right. Courts are absolutely not the place for children. There are often problems in the waiting areas - very distressed people in the family waiting areas and the alternative is the criminal court waiting area - again a high tension environment. You cannot guarantee who will be there on the day.

I'd go down this path; it's not a lie,it's putting the child's interests first. Your DS has to attend.

Good luck and congratulations to you.

I think you are being a bit PFB about it. Your DS could turn into an annoying 3 year old (hard as it probably is to believe at the moment).

She sounds pretty normal and your DS is her cousin and being welcomed into the family. Her parents should be able to take her out of the room if she plays up.

I would invite her. It's a special day.

merry so you think cousins should be invited into the delivery room to welcome new children into the family? They are having a party subsequently - much more appropriate to invite a child you to that.

I would quite happily understand someone not wanting my 4 yr old at their adopion hearing even though he is very well behaved as a rule.

oh sterry I meant to say that my post yesterday read a bot down beat - although I did feel rather poignant about the occasion, it was a joyous one for me and I thoroughly enjoyed that brief apearance - DS was nicely old enough to enjoy it too and still talks about the day he went to see the judge.

Hi

Congratulations!

My ds adoption hearing was lovely, but very brief and I
Would say unexciting for a 3 year old. It only lasted about 10 mins. I am surprised yours is as much as an hour.
If it is an hour I'd defy the most angelic 3 year old to sit through it.

Seems perfectly sensible to me to say court not suitable for kids, and let her enjoy party later.

Re the behaviour, my 4 year old ds can be thoroughly embarassing and I think its quite normal for 3 year olds to try and behave like this.
I would expect parents to be giving some clear guidance on what is and isn't acceptable though. Sounds like she may be making your ds life rather hard and I think you'd be justified in asking parents to intervene.

Have a lovely day!

I agree with other posters who say that the 3 year old sounds worse than a "normal" one. Not the "sing to me" thing, but the "no cake for you" moment - now, that's just mean.

However, to be fair, I'm going to say that it sounds as though the girl's parents and grandparents can't be trusted to "behave" (i.e. check bad behaviour) with her there, so they have to be separated from her!

Firstly congratulations, this must be a fantastic time for you!

It's a tricky one. I totally understand your dilemma. At first I thought hmm, that's a bit mean. But we're in a similar situation on the other side of the coin. My cousin is getting married in a couple of weeks. The only children coming are DD (2.8) and my brother's children (2.1, 5 and 8). We have been given a proviso that, any noise and out they go, no questions asked! But the reason we were 'allowed' to bring them is that my cousin knows that we are the types to act if they get out of their box. Her friends with children would apparently let them run wild.

So although DD is a normal 2yo, she would definitely be up there singing songs and arsing about and generally show stealing which I won't let her do, I will send DH take her outside. If you don't think your family will do that then the bottom line is that she has to stay at home, tough as that is. I think you've probably been through enough to justify playing 'parentzilla' just for one day!

Thanks everyone for replying - I?ve been offline all day, so sorry I haven?t been back.
Spoke to my SW again today, and she said it?s definitely an hour, and the judge that we have been allocated is very formal.
I didn?t want to imply that I think she?s a nightmare child and am fully aware that my little angel (har-de-har) may well turn out to be a little devil when he?s the same age. Am under no illusion about that. It?s more, as pluperfect stated, that her parents ignore any kind of misbehaviour, and wouldn?t bother taking her out if she should need to.

Anyhoo, we have decided to ask them not to bring her. We are having a naming celebration and party the following week, and she will be both at the service and at the party afterwards. And if she plays up, then she plays up - no problem. The pronouncement, to use, is just a bit different and should be about DS. It really is the adoption equivalent of giving birth, and we want it to be a day for him and about him.

Merry - I take your point, but the hearing isn?t about him being welcomed into the wider family ( they have been spectacularly shite at that tbh) but more about him becoming our son. It?s a fine distinction I know, but it is a special day and on balance I don?t think she?d get anything out of it, and we certainly would be happier without her there, and the wondering when she would decide to pirouette on the table or sing to us. All fine and very funny and cute in other situations, I think - just not this one. But am happy to be Pfb on this occasion!!

:)

Let us know how it goes wont you sterry

Oh, I surely will. I never shut up about it in RL!!

hehe too bloody right