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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to literally want to KILL people who stare at you if your DC are crying / playing up ....

97 replies

superv1xen · 22/09/2010 15:47

.....and even worse are the ones that SAY SOMETHING. Angry

ie. today. i was on a packed bus with screaming, teething, 16 month old DD. nb, she was fed, watered, clean bum, so i knew it was her teeth.
nothing was calming her down and i honestly think she was picking up on the fact it was stressing me out big time that she was crying, which was making her worse. i could feel all the eyes burning into me, and then this woman said to me, "awwww, is she thirsty?" I wanted to reply, NO SHE IS NOT FUCKING THIRSTY YOU NOSEY BASTARD WIND YA FUCKING NECK IN, DONT YOU THINK IF SHE WAS THIRSTY A DRINK WOULD CALM HER DOWN!! Angry

:o

in reality, i snapped, "no, she is TEETHING actually!" loud enough for the whole bus to hear, whilst fixing said lady with a withering superv1xen glare.

felt quite sorry for her actually Blush but i would just NEVER comment on a screaming baby or child, and if i see one while i am out i certainly dont stare and/or judge.

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 22/09/2010 16:16

lol twilight :o

petisa yeah i do feel a bit bad about being so arsey Blush

littlereddragon - yes your last sentence is definitely right.

runningoutofideas how sweet what that old man said to you. see, that kind of thing is fine...!!

onetoomany of COURSE asking if a screaming baby is hungry/thirsty is judgy - if that was the reason she was crying i would have fed her or gave her a drink!

OP posts:
FindingMyMojo · 22/09/2010 16:17

we need to remember that a screaming baby on a bus can stress everyone out, not just the poor parent.

No doubt the other people of the bus feel alot less like there is something they can do about the source of stress than the parent can. so sympathy is required all round really.

I tend to interpret looks I get if DD is kicking off as looks of understanding, sympathy or even humour if they can tell I'm trying really hard not to laugh. Maybe they are just being judgey - how do I know? Don't care really - it's not my problem if they are. I can control how I interpret the looks I get though - the same way I give them which is intended to be a look of either understanding sympathy or solidarity!

SilveryMoon · 22/09/2010 16:18

That;s a difficult one. In one sense, yes I hate it when people stare and comment, but like others have said, some people like to make conversation and don't actually mean any harm.

I was with my ds's in the supermarket the other day, and ds1 was having a slight melt down, and a woman came over and said something along the lines of "you've definitely got your hands full there. Are you ok? What's wrong with him"
To which I answered "I'll be better when I get to the booze isle, and he's ok, he's just a whinging rat-bag"
I don't think she meant to offend or judge me or him, she was just talking in an uncomfortable situation.

If I'm out in public and a parent looks really distressed, I talk to them.

We've all been through this shitty stage.

But then on the flip-side, when ds1 was a baby, I was in the supermarket and he was really crying. A woman said "you shouldn't bring your baby out when he is that upset"
I replied with "well, I've got to fucking eat"
so in some cases it's horrid, but in others intentions are harmless.

My advice would be to get used to it tbh. Wait until you hit full blown throwing themselves about tantrums.

pagwatch · 22/09/2010 16:19

I literally want to shoot myself

twilight3 · 22/09/2010 16:19

nooooo, pag, not worth it. Think of all the mess you'll have to clean up if you survive

nameymcnamechange · 22/09/2010 16:21

OP never said "literally kill" except in the thread title.

I think we have too many of these threads on Mumsnet.

Stop being so bloody grumpy.

twilight3 · 22/09/2010 16:21

well, seing that I'm not adding anything useful to this thread I'll gracefully exit.

OP, for what it's worth, I think you were a bit arsey but YABU. It is judgey,when people suggest that you have not thought of offering a crink to your crying baby...

Patsy99 · 22/09/2010 16:21

I like it when people try and say something supportive when DS is having a tantrum/weeing/getting naked in public.

Unless proven otherwise I'd assume this woman was trying to be sympathetic, I think most mothers are.

pagwatch · 22/09/2010 16:22

but...

Could the lady see that you had a drink? Did she wonder if she was thirsty and that you may not have one on you- which isn't totally beyond the realms of possibility. Maybe she thought your DDs mouth was too sore to drink but she was thirsty ( which happened to DD a few times)

Just wondering, you know, no pressure...

Original poster
superv1xen · 22/09/2010 16:22

my friends son has SN and i have been utterly disgusted at the reaction he and my friend get from people in public when he is having a tantrum or getting upset and shouting. the tutting and staring is unbelievable and my friend is a young mum and alternative looking (ie piercings, rock clothes etc) so you can imagine what these aresholes people are thinking. Hmm

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 22/09/2010 16:22

no, she never said "literally kill" she said "literally want to kill"

twilight3 · 22/09/2010 16:22

she didn't say "literally"in the htread title either. This is what we're debating Wink

pagwatch · 22/09/2010 16:23

How can you not say your are contributing Twi? You talked me down from the whole shooting thing. The mess would be awful

twilight3 · 22/09/2010 16:23

oops, sorry, my bad

twilight3 · 22/09/2010 16:24

about the "literally"not about talking out of shooting yourself. That was a good thing

nickelbabe · 22/09/2010 16:25

anyway, OP - some people don't know what to say, so maybe she was trying to show solidarity and support.

YANBU to be angry about it, though, because it was not a helpful comment.

Original poster
superv1xen · 22/09/2010 16:31

no pagwatch perhaps she didnt see that DD had a drink. but i still think its judgy for someone to think that i wouldnt have bothered trying her with a drink.

i have just had a really stressful day today and this bus journey was the icing on the cake really.

also DD always seems to go nuts on this particular bus journey, its very slow and busy and takes forever to get home, and we are usually on it after a long day in town or visiting friends (had done both today) in fact, i am probably known as the "crazy lady with the angry baby" by the drivers and regulars of the number 18 :o

OP posts:
petisa · 22/09/2010 16:32

To be fair to you superv1xen, in that type of situation, I will admit to having thought something along the lines "Of course she's not fucking thirsty/hungry/cold/hot, I'm not a totally crap parent you know, stop poking your oar in" when feeling hot and flustered and embarrassed about dd's crying. Grin

I do know though they're just trying to be nice and helpful and that I'm being unreasonable.

Onetoomanycornettos · 22/09/2010 16:33

When people say things like 'oh, is he thirsy?' or 'perhap's he's a bit tired' or 'hard day, huh?', they are trying to relieve the stress of you turning purple and the stress of your child screaming, not to actually point out that they need a drink, or you need to parent differently, or you should have given him a nap.

I used to go out with a baby with a helmet on their head. I realised very early on that if you stare at people, anticipate judgement and generally act as if the world is out to get you, that's what you get back. If you breeze on by, look generally quite cheerful and respond nicely when people start conversations (often by asking inept and possibly rude questions like 'what's wrong with her'?) then the world is a nicer place. You can go round being angry if you like.

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/09/2010 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Onetoomanycornettos · 22/09/2010 16:38

But, in fairness, YANBU to feel embarrassed or stress when they kick off in public, only to interpret this rather innocuous remark as a personal attack.

Adair · 22/09/2010 16:41

What onetoomanycornettos said.

She was trying to be nice and sympathetic. Nowhere in there was she judging you, that's YOUR PARANOIA. Shheesh. People are allowed to talk to each other you know. To want to kill someone who tried to make you feel better! What do you do to someone who tutted, hmm?!

frikonastick · 22/09/2010 16:41

i was on a plane when DD was about 5 months old. coming in for landing DD was screaming her head off as it was now the 26th hour of our mammoth flight (not all at once obvs)

lady a couple of rows down gets out of her seat (on descent, everyone strapped in) comes over to me crouches down, puts her hand on my thigh and says, in tones of great import 'babies ears hurt when the air pressure changes'.

i was like, yes i know, thanks for telling me? she does this beautific smile thing pats me once and goes back to her seat.

i was like ???

she clearly thought she was really helping me out. it was funny!

Original poster
superv1xen · 22/09/2010 16:41

yeah thats just it petisa you are already flustered and angry and it just makes you feel worse.

agree with shineon as well, the horrible people tut about the noise! at least this lady was trying to be nice :o

i think its more the starers and tutters that piss me off, my OP ended up being more about the lady who commented :o

OP posts:
Adair · 22/09/2010 16:42

(both parts. It IS stressful.. But less stressful if you follow advice as above)

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