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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for resenting my DH for not wanting to make more money?

56 replies

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 09:51

Okay, deep breath, this is a bit of a heavy one for a first post but I'm pregnant (with second) and could use some sane, non-hormonal persepective on this.
My husband told me before we got married that he wasn't going to make lots of money because he's a painter and that's what he loves doing and he wasn't ever going to give it up. Fine - I was earning good money and so madly in love that I didn't think it mattered. With family money we (he, really) bought somewhere to live, me paying the mortgage. After we got married I had primal baby cravings, and even though he said he wasn't ready for a baby (I suspected he never would be) we tried - once - and I got pregnant. He freaked out and the next two/three years were basically fighting and fury towards one another; the good thing is we have a DD now who he worships. Now I'm pregnant again - mutual decision this time - and I'm anxious about the future. I'm earning less since DD part time, admittedly, but my income is less than it's ever been in my working life and my DH earns the same as me, working full time and then spending time after work and at the weekends in his studio. He's had about 10 years of further education - 2 BAs, an MA, other stuff - but when I suggest he finds a job that pays more so he can spend time in the studio but also spend time with his family, he flips out and says he doesn't have the skills to do anything else.
Anyway, even though we don't have a terrible life it is eating me up (we get quite a lot of working tax credits, although I would rather not be on them -- don't think it's particularly good for self respect). Am I being mad? Should I just be tougher about this?

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 22/09/2010 09:57

yabu. yanbu, it's tricky.

We'd all love to dedicate ourselves to something we love, but we have to be realistic.

however, it's not his job to provide everything for the family and if you want more, then it is as much up to you to earn more as it is to him

but if he's selfishly pursuing his personal interests with no thought to the impact that has on his family, that's wrong of him because you should be a team

if he is clever enough to get 2 bas and an ma, he is clever enough to get new skills to make him able to earn more!

Maybe he's happy with the standard of living you have now.

but if he doesn't care what you feel enough to discuss it calmly and exchange views, then that's a big relationship problem.

So in conclusion...

I don't have a clue. sorry. Have you considered perhaps writing your feelings down for him?

twolittlemonkeys · 22/09/2010 09:59

You knew what he earned before you got married, so I'd suggest that if you aren't happy with your household income then you should go back to work FT.

There is a lot to be said for doing a job you love. My DH enjoys his job and it gives him time to spend with the kids. Sure if he worked in a big company instead of in education he'd earn more, but it's not about that. He (and I) would rather he was happy in his job. I do PT work here and there (averages out to 7-10 hours a week) and we don't have a lot of the luxuries we had when we both worked FT but we are happy that way. I personally think you're being a bit mad and hormonal (you're pregnant so it's ok but don't take it out on your DH.) You're the one that has suddenly changed the goalposts...

AllThreeWays · 22/09/2010 10:02

YABU he made it clear who he was and what he wanted. You agreed to this.

Chil1234 · 22/09/2010 10:02

I think it's always a massive mistake in a relationahip to think you can mould/bully/nag someone into the person you want them to be. In his defence, he told you up front that he was unambitious about money and you chose to accept that aspect of his personality. You may not like this now circumstances have changed but he's consistent, if nothing else. I think, if you want more money, you're going to have to earn it for yourself.

perfumedlife · 22/09/2010 10:04

Well it strikes me you are trying to change him, which I really hate. He was frank about his earning potential, and you accepted it. Now you have a child he didn't want, and he accepted it, and loves it, great. With a second child being planned, did you both discuss the extra financial commitment?

If it is simply a case of you 'not liking' being on tax credits, it is up to you to earn more money.

Sorry it is not what you want to hear, but I detest people changing the goal posts and trying to change a person.

Faaamily · 22/09/2010 10:11

Why do you want more money coming in? What I mean is, what aspect/s of your lives do you think would be improved with more money? I think it's important to get this clear in your mind - What improvements do you want in your lifestyle? How much money would it take to achieve this? etc - before you start making this an issue.

In my opinion, you are in this together, which means that no, you can't just demand that your DH changes who he is, but you are certainly entitled to have a discussion about any legitimate concerns about family finances and how you can both contribute to increasing them if that is what you need to do.

You may need to reevaluate your working life, too, though. In harsh terms - once your baby is no longer tiny, you are just as capable of going out and earning a crust as your DH is, so may have to look at full time work or pursuing a more lucrative career yourself.

ScroobiousPip · 22/09/2010 10:15

Marriage is not a fixed contract, with terms and conditions set in stone at the outset. People and circumstances change, and wants and needs with those. It's not a question of moving the goalposts.

Although your DH may be happy - and sticking to his original goalposts - it would be selfish of him to pay no regard at all to your changing needs. Likewise, you too need to give his passion and desires to paint some consideration.

What is your DH's POV (other than wanting to paint ft)? Does he expect you to work ft to pay the bills? Or is he happier on a lower budget, relying on tax credits? There is no easy answer here. You need to find a compromise that meets both your current sets of needs as far as possible.

Giddyup · 22/09/2010 10:19

Hmmm I can totally see your point. DP spends all his spare time "working on his music" which pisses me off no end TBH. I simply couldn't have an interest that takes up so much of my spare time as I have so much to do. I think if he has his art as a full time job he needs to try and treat it as a job and not spend the whole bloody time doing it.

But, in relation to money if you are living on the money you both bring in and you would just like to improve your standard of living the I think it is down to you to work full time while DH picks up the slack at home.

MarshaBrady · 22/09/2010 10:22

He does have a job is that right? Just it a well paid one. Presumably he doesn't have to think much and can concentrate on the painting.

It would be good if he found something bit better paid but not all-consuming,as a compromise.

NordicPrincess · 22/09/2010 10:22

two children are more expensive than 1 and things arent going to get any cheaper. id speak to him and see if hed consider going for a slightly higher paid job. its not unreasonable as your family grows for you to have to change the way you live

mumeeee · 22/09/2010 10:22

YABU. Youy said yopu don't have a terible life. You DH told you right from the beggining what he wanted to do. Just let him do what he wants to do and all get on with your life. You don't have to have lots of money to be happy. Stop trying to change him it will only end in tears.

MarshaBrady · 22/09/2010 10:26

I mean not a well paid one.

MisterW · 22/09/2010 10:31

You need to talk through your concerns with him and come up with a solution that meets both of your needs, not just yours. Making him get a better paid job may not be the panacea you hope for. For example, it may make him miserable or he may end up having to travel a lot with work.

The idea that immediately springs to my mind is for him to work part time and take on more childcare so you can go back to full time work.

Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 10:33

I'd love to work full time while DH picks up the slack at home - would have to be a long term plan, post baby - in the past I've been good at picking up work but feel completely out of it, although I should say I haven't just been putting my feet up, btw -- have 2 part time jobs, freelance work, and written a novel (trying to place it with an agent at the moment). Oh, and parenting. I suppose the problem is DH doesn't regard family life as a team effort, and he resents me for having more 'free time' (if you call laundry, domestic stuff 'free time') so we are quite fighty quite a lot of the time.
(Thanks, everyone, I am really appreciating the helpful feedback)

OP posts:

Plumm · 22/09/2010 10:38

I agree with the other posters who have said you can't change him - you knew the deal when you married him. However, as you have children together I Think it's fair for him to pick up more of the housework and childcare so you have the opportunity to take on more work after you've had the baby. Now could be a good time to ease him into a routine with you so it's not too stressful when you do return to work.

Beachcomber · 22/09/2010 10:41

Sounds to me like your DH wants you yo earn the money, look after the children and do all the housework.

That is unfair. What is he contributing to the family?

If he is not ambitious jobwise surely he must see that he needs to contribute significantly to housework and childcare so that you can go and earn the money?

SexyDomesticatedDad · 22/09/2010 10:44

An exmaple of why the benfits amount has got out of control. Relying on 'the state' (i.e. tax payers) to fund your lifestyle is OK then? I do believe benfits should rise where it's due i.e. people can't genuinely work. In OP case as a family it seems you could support yourselves and you need to resolve between you how you do it.

MadAboutQuavers · 22/09/2010 10:45

He needs to up his game at home, cloudy, and treat that like a full-time job, if he wants to be a SAHD.

My DP is not in work at the moment, and I work full time. My salary is enough to keep our nice house, car and buy clothes, food, whatever we need. I'm due to finish work shortly to have our first DC, and will be off for about 6 months before I go back. DP will then become SAHD, and look after DC full time.

However, he does 95% of the housework, all the ironing, washing, cooking and food shopping. He wasn't great at it when we first got together (understatement), but he so wants to make sure his contribution to "us" is a sound one, that he treats it like a new job that he is learning to do.

Aside from whether you can afford bills, food and household running - which you clearly need to make sure is covered by what you would earn - he needs to convince you of his willingness to do his new "job".

And if he doesn't sort his attitude out to the DC's, tell him he can fuck right off cos it's a non-starter.

Lauriefairycake · 22/09/2010 10:45

He already works full time according to your post

It's you who wants him to get another job that happens to earn extra money - if he has a fulltime job what makes you think there is a better paying full-time job out there??

You only have to look round mumsnet to see that there are a lot of people struggling to find work.

Surely it's better for him to stay in his fulltime job and for you to increase your hours when you feel able?

What is his fulltime job that you take exception to? life-modelling

Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 10:49

Yep, Plumm. Trouble is he's stressed most of the time and I don't see that changing.

Realise the question is less about money (we have different attitudes to it: I get panicky if I'm not earning, and he has a more comfortable background so is less worried) and more about quality of life. So: he's happy when he spends lots of time at his studio, and if he's not happy, he has a tendency to take it out on those closest to him... (but I do too, I suppose). We're basically not that good at making each other happy, is the upshot!

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 22/09/2010 10:51

It's not as simple as asking him to retrain for a better paid job. He is a painter, that is his career, his life, his passion. It makes just enough to live on. But it is his career.

Would it be ok for a stay at home dad to ask his midwife wife to retrain to become a stockbroker to bring in more money?

cestlavielife · 22/09/2010 10:53

what is his job and what si the potential job that pays more? is it even realsitic that he would get this paying more job?

maybe that isnt the real issue anyway = just something you find it easy to fight about.

a higher paying more stressful job wont make him spend more time with his family...

Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 10:55

We pay half the bills each. It's just I know it's going to get more expensive and DH's POV is that we should live within our means, it doesn't occur to him that we should up our earnings.

OP posts:

MarshaBrady · 22/09/2010 10:57

What job would you like him to do?

He could teach in an art college but they are very hard to get.

Onetoomanycornettos · 22/09/2010 11:03

Cloudysky, it seems like there are issues in the relationship (the amount of time he spends in studio, that you argue/fight a lot) which end up being about money, but sound like they are bigger than that. I'm not saying that critically, I recognise it only too well from my own experience! The thing is that you are bashing your head on a brick wall in some ways, because now is not a great time to look for a new job (as others have said) and your husband is working full-time anyway. To me, the issue is around how he spends his free time, and that you are perhaps resentful that he is spending 90% of his life away from you and the children.

I can understand you are worried about money, probably half the country is right now, and the other half will be when mortgage rates start to rise. If you are making ends meet then you are doing fine. I think you need to start to think differently about him and the situation, seeing the good in it, or at least finding out exactly what you don't like about it, as I suspect that even if he got a better paid full-time job, and still went to the studio on evenings and weekends, you'd feel dissatisfied in this situation.

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