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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for resenting my DH for not wanting to make more money?

56 replies

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 09:51

Okay, deep breath, this is a bit of a heavy one for a first post but I'm pregnant (with second) and could use some sane, non-hormonal persepective on this.
My husband told me before we got married that he wasn't going to make lots of money because he's a painter and that's what he loves doing and he wasn't ever going to give it up. Fine - I was earning good money and so madly in love that I didn't think it mattered. With family money we (he, really) bought somewhere to live, me paying the mortgage. After we got married I had primal baby cravings, and even though he said he wasn't ready for a baby (I suspected he never would be) we tried - once - and I got pregnant. He freaked out and the next two/three years were basically fighting and fury towards one another; the good thing is we have a DD now who he worships. Now I'm pregnant again - mutual decision this time - and I'm anxious about the future. I'm earning less since DD part time, admittedly, but my income is less than it's ever been in my working life and my DH earns the same as me, working full time and then spending time after work and at the weekends in his studio. He's had about 10 years of further education - 2 BAs, an MA, other stuff - but when I suggest he finds a job that pays more so he can spend time in the studio but also spend time with his family, he flips out and says he doesn't have the skills to do anything else.
Anyway, even though we don't have a terrible life it is eating me up (we get quite a lot of working tax credits, although I would rather not be on them -- don't think it's particularly good for self respect). Am I being mad? Should I just be tougher about this?

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OrmRenewed · 22/09/2010 11:04

Been there cloudy. DH trained as a teacher 16yrs ago and since then has had a series of low=paid jobs that meant I had to work full-time all tthe time my oldest 2 DC were little. I did manage to go part-time when DS#2 was born and I simply couldn't have managed 3 under 6 and a full-time job. It was hard and yes, I did resent him for it. 2 years ago he got a TA job and last year he applied for and got a teaching post. It did help our relationship - I feel for the first time we are on an equal footing.

You need to tell him how it's making you feel. It made me feel very resentful and I bottled it all up for years,

StarExpat · 22/09/2010 11:04

My Dh decided to career change just before ds was conceived. His new career earns much less, but he is much happier. If you think you're arguing and fighty now, wait until he's in a job he hates, resents the commute, the job, the people the hours...etc. TRUST me, it's much better having a job that you love.

I love my job so I couldn't relate to him much when he was desperately wanting out of his before and thought it was silly to make less money. But, we are still fine and able to meet basic needs and have treats and we have lovely DS and both of our careers mean that we get to spend loads and loads of time with him. Less money = more time for us. But more importantly, job happiness/satisfaction = happier home life.

witlesssarah · 22/09/2010 11:05

Ahh, as the thread goes on there's more to it (as always) but I just wanted to comment on the 'he said who he was, you have to accept that' theme.

We all change through life, both in who we are and in what we expect. Your second pregnancy was a mutual decision (no doubt partially based on learning that DC can be fun) So he's learned and changed. No reason why he couldn't learn and change about things like working pattern. And I guess I'm saying that one change brings another - not neccessarily but there's no room for 'I always said' in life.

When I met DH he was still clinging to a 17 year old self (he was 40!) and it wasn't making him happy. He used to refer to decisions he'd made at that time lots. As our relationship developed he stopped doing that and allows himself to decide now, what he wants to do now.

I'm not saying we should abandon our earlier convictions, but we shouldn't be bound by them either.

AccioPinotGrigio · 22/09/2010 11:12

My interpreation is that this is less about money than the need for clearer communication between the two of you about your respective aspirations and an agreement to compromise so that everybody is satisfied with their lifestyle.

I was also interested to read your feelings about claiming tax credits. They exist, you are entitled to them and it is not shameful to claim them. You pay in to the system and it is there to help you when you need it. Eventually, you will not need it so go easy on yourself in the meantime.

Litchick · 22/09/2010 11:19

This is a very difficult one.

As a writer, I know many many people who are not making ends meet from their art. Yet it drives them, so what can you do...

If you have a supportive partner, then all is well, but you sound resentful...which strangley I can understand.

I have always said, that if I did not make a good living from my writing I would not do it. It is far too time consuming. And energy consuming.

I must admit that I would probably be pissed off if my DH were not interested in earning well too...but then I knew he was ambitious when I met him...whereas you knew your DH wasn't.

Hard one.

GeekOfTheWeek · 22/09/2010 11:30

yabu imo.

He already works full time.

I adore my job and trained hard at uni in order to do it. I wouldn't retrain or change because dh wants more money, especially if he was only part time.

SixtyFootDoll · 22/09/2010 11:45

Is his full time work his painting?
Or does he work and then paint in his spare time?

IF he's working full time already then I don't understand wht he is expected to do?

yangymac · 22/09/2010 11:54

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Litchick · 22/09/2010 11:56

See, I don't know about that.

The arts, acting etc...how long do you keep going before you 'make it'?

Sometimes when you have a family you have to put aside unachievable dreams no?

yangymac · 22/09/2010 12:02

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yangymac · 22/09/2010 12:04

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Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 12:04

Marsha, that would be the ideal job -- he's in education at the moment, as a TA, but knows full well those jobs are few & far between, and he's not confident/ savvy about going after it.
I know -- I'm frustrated and trying to channel frustrations into his career seeing as mine has to be somewhat on hold at the moment. But its hard and he is very rigid/not understanding about it; plus I feel he's usually the one complaining while I do my best to get on with it.
Okay, I gotta do some work, will check in later and thanks all.

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/09/2010 12:11

I'm not clear on the set up here. Does he earn his income from his painting, or does he have another job which he does full-time and then his painting is a hobby and an extra?

I think you need to approach this another way with him. If you are working and doing all the childcare and domestic stuff, and he is working but choosing deliberately to keep his income low then he isn't contributing fairly to family life. He cannot cling to 'you knew this when you met me', when your situation is now so different - ie. you have children.

DH wasn't hugely ambitious when I met him, although a large part of that was down to lack of confidence. When I got pregnant with DS something changed in him, it was like a rocket had gone off under him. In the 3 years since then he has more than doubled his income and is ambitious for more. He has more control over his own time now that he's in a more senior job, so we actually have more time together than if he had stayed where he was.

Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 12:11

Massive cross post there, I tried to post that about an hour ago. Interesting about the artist's life discussion -- thing is, I completely agree because I have been quite self indulgent in writing this novel. It just seems I can fit it in, working and doing childcare, while he has difficulty with, shall we say, graceful multitasking...

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Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 12:14

And thank you onetoomany, ormrenewed, starexpat, witlesssarah, acciopinot, litchick... all v good points, and that there are so many different views makes me think I'm not going mad to have so many arguments in my head about it all.

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/09/2010 12:16

Ok x-posts about the job.

Hmmm. So he works, and you work. But he views his art as 'work' also and therefore that means he can't help you more with childcare etc. Sounds like a wonderful, supportive husband and father... er not!

You said earlier that he's stressed all the time. What is he stressed about? As far as I can see he has very few responsibilities.

SexyDomesticatedDad is right - it is unacceptable for you to be claiming benefits as a family (yes I know everyone tries to say TCs aren't benefits but they are) when your husband has the capacity to earn more.

Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 12:25

Alibaba, he earns a tiny bit from painting, and of course he'd like to earn a living from it but with his output as low as it is, and his reluctance to push himself forward/make contacts, it seems fairly unlikely. He's got a romantic attitude to the whole thing - that when he makes good enough work people will laud him, and that might be after he's dead (!!). Which is (was) charming but not very practical.

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yangymac · 22/09/2010 12:26

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Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 12:32

He does do some childcare, does help a little around the house but makes a big deal about it. And yes, he doesn't have many responsibilities but he genuinely is close to the end of his tether a lot of the time (so am I, frankly!). And I know: the stress is used as a control thing. It's not pretty and I've called him on it but it doesn't change; and I'm quite ground down so probably don't challenge him enough.

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Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 12:34

yangymac - good posts, thank you. agree can't ask an artist not to be an artist

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proudnglad · 22/09/2010 12:37

I agree that marriage - and life - is fluid and people/circumstances change. So I don't think you're being unreasonable.

But you should ask yourself what you think you want or need from more money.

We didn't have a lot money when dc were v little, now we have quite a lot (yes I am showing off) because I landed a well paid job. So we decided that Dh would be a SAHD (and has his own home business).

Life is kind of better with comparitive wealth, but on the other hand all you do is up your aspirations and move financial goalposts ie buy an expensive house so you don't have any cash!

Anyhoo...If it's YOU who wants more money and he doesn't care, then YOU need to go back to work FT and earn it. But you need to strike a deal so that it all works and balances.

minipie · 22/09/2010 12:37

Any chance you could go full time (and therefore earn more) and he could go part time (and therefore spend more time with the children)?

Original poster

Cloudysky · 22/09/2010 12:46

proudnglad & minipie - yes, think that would be a good long term plan but not sure anyone will take me on now when 5 months pregnant. Also feel I've missed my chance at having proper career, am hoping this is just a transient confidence crisis though!

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nearlytoolate · 22/09/2010 12:50

I think this is actually less about his earning capacity and more about what he chooses to do with his non-work time - i.e. he isn't pullling his weight in the domestic sphere.
I'd be wary about blaming this on his work - frankly at least he has GOT a steady job, with child-friendly hours which when the dcs are in school you will be very glad of.
It seems that as a couple/family you haven't adjusted to the shifts in domestic responsibility/childcare that happen when you have children - and perhaps you've shielded him from this to some extent because of his ambivalence about your first pregnancy?

I don't agree with those who say that it is the husbands duty to go out and earn more, when he already has a full time perfectly respectable job. I don't think its the job of a partner to demand a certain earning power - so long as you are both working and contributing your efforts in a fair way. It seems that it is this that is the problem - he is painting in all his free time rather than contributing to the home. THAT would piss me off mightily frankly (painting, sport, xbox, down the pub with mates - frankly its all the same, I don't 'buy' the artistic necessity argument...)

nearlytoolate · 22/09/2010 12:54

I think you certainly can expect people to reduce the amount of time the spend on self-fulfillment when they have children. all the things I used to do for myself - gardening, reading, taking photos, making the house nice - shrink to practically nothing when there are children to look after and bills to be paid. They come at the end. I don't see why an 'artist' is different frankly. Does cloudysky's novel writing mean she neglects her dd?

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