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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to actually cancel dd1's birthday party

55 replies

ditavonteesed · 21/09/2010 08:20

sha is being a nasty brat, so horrid to dd2, hitting her generally being nasty, I have been telling her for weeks that it is going to be csancelled and keeping a track of her behaviour, party is on sunday. tell me it is too mean because I am trying so hard to give her every chance to behave and not get it cancelled.

OP posts:
ginhag · 21/09/2010 08:21

How old is she?

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 21/09/2010 08:21

She obvioulsy doesn't believe you. How old is she?

Serendippy · 21/09/2010 08:22

It would be really mean to cancel her party, but you have backed yourself into a corner by threatening her with it. Instead threaten removal of something you are willing to take away. Personally I would not cancel a birthday party but would be mean mummy in lots of other ways.

Original poster
ditavonteesed · 21/09/2010 08:22

she will be seven. I am so angry with her constant bad behaviour.

OP posts:
Scootergrrrl · 21/09/2010 08:23

How old is she? When DS was being a bugger just before his birthday we made a list of birthday things eh pass the parcel, jelly, balloons and so on, and every time he misbehaved he lost one thing. His older sister suggested knocking the guests off one by one but that seemed a bit cruel ; )

bigchris · 21/09/2010 08:26

You can't cancel her 7th party
she'll remember that for the rest of her life
you need to threaten something you can carry through -like stopping her going to someone else's party

Original poster
ditavonteesed · 21/09/2010 08:27

she is now whispering to her sister that she has got her in a lot of trouble and she is really angry with her, she thinks I can't hear.

OP posts:
Original poster
ditavonteesed · 21/09/2010 08:27

she never gets invited to anyone elses party Sad

OP posts:
Inertia · 21/09/2010 08:29

Tell her the party will still take place - for everyone else - but she loses 5 minutes off the start of it every time she hits. How about a sliding scale reward chart - she moves down a space if she is mean to her sister nut moved back up if she does something nice for her - something visible rather than an abstract threat ?

Myleetlepony · 21/09/2010 08:29

Only make threats you are prepared to carry through, otherwise they mean nothing. And don't keep threatening for weeks, say "if you do that again I will xyz" and stick to it.
Having said that, for a 7 year old, I think you've picked on a biggie threatening her party.
It might have been more productive to come up with something smaller, and actually carry out your threat weeks ago.

BootyMum · 21/09/2010 08:34

Poor little thing. She sounds angry and distressed. At this age children often act out [ie hitting and bad behaviour] as they have difficulty verbalising their feelings and explaining their behaviour.
She needs you to stay calm and supportive but also maintain reasonable boundaries, ie as someone suggested consequences to her inappropriate behaviour might be no tv for a couple of nights, etc.

But I wonder what else might be going on for her. You say she never gets invited to other children's parties. Does she have any friends at school? Could her teachers perhaps shed some light on what is going on? Is she being bullied perhaps?
And how are things at home at the moment?
I really hope you can get to the bottom of this. It must be quite stressful and upsetting for you too.

pagwatch · 21/09/2010 08:36

I know this isn't muchhelp but you shouldn't ever threaten anythingthat you are not prepared to do. And I think cancelling a party is too nuclear.

Have you told her?
If you have why don't you reign it back .

Sit her down and don't be grumpy but be matter of fact
tell her you are very cross withher and that is making it hard to get excited about her party and hard to plan it.
Tell her things you want her to do rather than all the 'don'ts'.
Get her to earn her party in the way Inertia says but put some carrots in there too - like if you tidy your room and don't shout at anyone this morning we will go and chose some party cakes.

If you threaten make it imediate . Kids brains can't do the be bad now get punished next week equation.

So if she is naughty she should ideally be punished with treatened punishment within minutes.

By trying to make the punishment significant you have made it remote

Tootiredforgodtyping · 21/09/2010 08:44

You can't cancel her birthday party, she'll quote it back at you for the rest of your life.

Shelpit · 21/09/2010 08:49

It seems to me that she is just going through a difficult phase. The threat of 'not having a party' hanging over her head for weeks must have caused her a lot of anxiety.
Just sit down and tell her that you are not going to cancel her party, and that you feel mean at having kept threating it. It is important to admit that you too can behave in an unkind way.

Offer a bribe of something she wants if she can be cheerful and kind for the next two weeks - dont make it longer as children find it hard to visualise time. Dont mention 'behaviour' as you have made that a battleground. Just accept that some children do have times of being plain ghastly - but they do grow out of it. Its your job to remain calm and just say the old " We are not at home to Mr Mean" and ignore the bad behaviour.

Original poster
ditavonteesed · 21/09/2010 09:09

I have been doing the sliding scale thing, not just idle threats, I know I can't do it, I have calmed down a lot now. she seems to have lots of friends at school but they all seem to be involved with each other (ie the parents) in church groups and things so I think she just gets missed because of that, she is never sad about these things. she has a very bad temper (no idea where she gets that from Blush ) she is doing really well at school, saves all her tamtrums for me.

she is still about 6 places from the bottom of the chart so I am going to try and encourage her to do some nice things for her sis to work her way back up.

Problem is her tantrums are so volitile that I can't just ignore them, last week she smashed the fence that goes round the stairs in her attic room up with a chair, threw her clock at the wall and pulled a light down in a paddy.

I am just finding it difficult to get myself motivated to do all the hard work required for the party when she is being nasty to her sis (she is also very nasty to me but I am a grown up and can take it most of the time).

OP posts:
tyler80 · 21/09/2010 09:16

I believe everyone else enjoyed my 6th birthday party, I however was sat sulking in the car Blush

I know someone whose parents threatened to cancel Christmas then actually went through with it...

spikeycow · 21/09/2010 09:23

The thing is you've said it now. If she is that bad she doesn't really deserve a party. Nothing to do with remembering for the rest of her life or whatever, it's her own behaviour that's caused it, and children have to learn respect and manners. However, it's made more difficult by the fact she isn't invited to others parties. Cancelling might mean she gets teased. So that would stop me cancelling, the social aspect of it.
Can't you arrange a trip to the cinema, and when she plays up just take her sis? Then she gets a consistent punishment without it being as big a thing as cancelling the party?

spikeycow · 21/09/2010 09:26

And please don't ignore the bad behaviour as suggested. That is why children have no respect any more, because of all this tiptoeing around them. I want my children to be liked, by adults and their peers.

Morloth · 21/09/2010 09:34

Never threaten something you can't follow through on, you just undermine yourself.

One more chance is what I would do now, one more. Tell her the score and tell that that is it one more bit of naughtiness and it is off, then cancel it if she is naughty.

If you are not willing to cancel it then stop threatening to, it is confusing her and probably making her behaviour worse.

I always think carefully before issuing ultimatims because I have to live with the consequences as well.

BootyMum · 21/09/2010 10:00

And I just wanted to add, are you sure your younger DD is such an angel and innocent in all this? I speak with the experience of being an older sister to a 2 year younger brother who was charm personified and very clever in manipulating adults. So he would wind me up and tease and hit but only when my parents' backs were turned and silly old me would be the one caught hitting back whilst he looked tearful and helpless. Then he would laugh at me behind parents' backs as I was getting told off for being the eldest who should know better and not be nasty to my little brother. So not fair!!! Oh, I remember the injustice all too wellWink

rockinhippy · 21/09/2010 10:23

OOOOoohhhh I can SOOOOO! relate to this one Grin DD (soon 8) was behaving like stroppy lying teenage brat from hell Angry since getting back from visiting extended family over school hols. Generally due a lot more freedom than we can allow her here at home, & getting spoilt rotten lots of attention from older relatives

Thankfully by coming down with an iron fist & banning EVERYTHING she values over this last week, especially my choosing her clothes & banning any accessories, making her dress in what I knew she would see as naffest outfits Grin....& every complaint she made I just added on another day........with the threat of a cancelled birthday party at the end of it.......like you I was torn that this was a step too far, but also realised she needs to learn a hard lesson or we'd be in for a very bumpy ride..........thankfully after 3 days, I have my old DD back, so I wont need to follow through......but I WOULD of...if you threaten, & no improvement in behaviour, then you HAVE to follow through........I mean, would YOU take yourself seriously again if you didn't??....so why would your DD

I only have the one though, so if she's misbehaving I KNOW it is her doing.........as said above, I'd be very careful in your situation that its not her sister winding her up & then crying "Mum" when she retaliates.......my brother was a sod for that when we were kids, & I often see it amongst friends kids........step back, try using "us Mums read minds & do you have anything to own up to, no trouble if you are honest, but BIG trouble if you lie to me, trick with your other DD, & watch for her reaction, you'll likely know straight away if its her that is really at fault Wink

MrsC2010 · 21/09/2010 10:35

I'm with you Bootymum, my little sister would do the exact same thing! She still does, but in a more 'adult' way. Saying something seemingly harmless in my parents' eyes, but in a very passive aggressive tone of voice...or stirring wanting a response, so that if I give one (I try not to) she can play innocent and my parents think I am being unreasonable again...

Sorry, thread diversion!

Fennel · 21/09/2010 10:40

I agree cancelling the party is very harsh and also, not fair on the visiting children, also difficult if she is struggling at all with friendships, this won't help.

How about intsead postponing the opening of birthday presents. Every time she does something good, another present to open. Really bad behaviour -confiscate a present for a day. etc. That way you have short term ways of managing behaviour without it affecting all the party guests.

rockinhippy · 21/09/2010 10:41

Funny MrsC my brother, who is also younger, still does that too Hmm

Tortington · 21/09/2010 10:42

you cant cancel birthday parties or xmas.