to actually cancel dd1's birthday party

[ditavonteesed]

sha is being a nasty brat, so horrid to dd2, hitting her generally being nasty, I have been telling her for weeks that it is going to be csancelled and keeping a track of her behaviour, party is on sunday. tell me it is too mean because I am trying so hard to give her every chance to behave and not get it cancelled.

When I was 10 my Mum had booked tickets for me and a few friends to go see Joseph and his Technicolour wotsit, I was naughty, Mum threatened to cancel. Haha as if you would Mum! She did.
Lesson learnt...I didn't mess with her again! I knew she meant business. I'm all for a bit of mean-mumminess, think it works in the long run.

:you cant cancel birthday parties or xmas.:

If you can't, you shouldn't threaten it. If you threaten it, you presumably can.

don't cancel the party

I went to a party once of 8yo twins who lived next door to us

the mum was an older mum who had had trouble conceiving and she adored these girls, but was fiendishly strict with them

it was a really lavish party, loads of decorations and amazing food etc

about ten minutes in, the girls were cheeky or something and she sent them both to bed :O:O

the rest of had to grimly get on with the party for another two hours, games, food, the lot

while hearing the birthday girls sobbing and howling upstairs

it was dreadful

honestly, it is MUCH too harsh to cancel the party!

that is awful, I am not going to cancel the party, just wish I was actually any good at this

aw dita:( none of us are any good at this side of things, it's really really hard

I like fennel's idea of managing the behaviour bit by bit via something tangible, eg the presents to be opened

don't feel bad, we have all felt like this! I threatened to bag up everything ds1 owned apart from his school uniform and make a bonfire in the garden

sometimes I just get fed up of trying to make everything so nice for everybody and dd1 being so horrid to us all the time. feeling a bit crap about myself today, will snap out of it before I pick her up from school.

I felt like that several times on holiday actually

in fact I said it to the kids on one dreadful day

along the lines of "I don't know why we bother making so much effort and spending so much money trying to organise something really fun and special for you when you appreciate nothing, respect nothing and nothing is ever good enough"

I will stop now as I am showcasing myself as a really shit parent

ditavonteesed...is she getting enough sleep....her behaviour is very similar to my DD who will be 9 this year.

I see a magnificent difference in behaviour with just and hours extra sleep....during the holidays when routine slips a bit I pay big time as her behaviour is atrocious...

I wouldnt cancel her party....Im always prepared for DD's strops and each day have an Item that I am willing to cancel due to bad behaviour ...stuff liek that needs to be immediate as you also feel a bit of a twunt if they suddenly start behving and you have already said "sorry mate party is off"

If you're not going to cancelthe , you do need to tell her that though, perhaps telling her that you are doing it for her friends sake..........that way she knows it YOU thats made the decision, & NOT because you are weak & don't follow through with threats.....thats presuming you don't find out theres other reasons for her behaviour, such as already mentioned, sneaky sibling, tiredness or as was once the case with my DD, bullying issues at school

& don't worry, we all feel that way sometimes, there no parenting handbook given when they are born....(& any written are generally just shite, as all kids, just like people are different )

you do ned to get to the bottom of her behaviour though, & still punish her accordingly to get her back in line.......as you do sound worn out by it :(

good luck

My aunt threatened my cousin (aged 7) with the fact that Father Christmas would not visit if he carried on being naughty. He carried on and guess what, Father Christmas didn't come.

My cousin is now a very healthy well adjusted adult with three (very healthy, well adjusted) kids of his own. It is OK to carry out these threats. But its not ok to threaten something and not carry it through. You've backed yourself into a bit of a corner so I'd try some of the other suggestions (but make sure you carry them through!!)

That has turned my stomach

poor little sod

You cant cancel her birthday party. You just cant.

I like the cancelling/postponing presents idea - related to the party but not abandoning it altogether.

Please tell her that she has to earn it back for good behaviour. And the better she behaves the better the party. (or the more guests she can invite)

OP has said she isn't going to cacel the party, she is just feeling crap and frustrated

OP, why do you think your dd1 is like she is? Is she like it with girls at school, is that why she doesn't get party invites? Is dd2 your 'good girl' and dd1 your 'bad' one?

I don't think you can ignore the bad behaviour but at the same time do you big up the good stuff? I don't just mean a sticker on a chart, bt really talk to her about how proud she makes you, how much you love her, and talk about how doing 'good' things makes her feel inside? Come to that, have you asked her why she's so angry?

Do you and dd1 get one-to-one time?

Hang on in there, you are doing great and with a few tweaks you can get this sorted. xx

we have discussed anger in great depth and reasons and solutions and suggested things to help her with it. I don't get enough one to one time with her, I struggle to sort that out as there just isn't the opportunity. she has always behaved this way, she just has a very bad temper, something which I do understand but need to help her deal with.

I hate to say it but if she doesn't get invited to parties this may be why. And as she gets older people are more and more likely to decide that they just can't be bothered.

If the coping strategies that you've suggested don't work, and neither does punishment and reward, what else do you think you can try? Have you tried to get help from outside e.g a Tanya Byron type?

Dita, your comments on her anger & lack of 1-1 time with you do sound very familiar, seen a friend go through very similar with her youngest.....so bad that she was nearly expelled from School in yr 1 & then talk of her having ODD, which was rightly pooh poohed by specialist.........

like you her Mum struggled, but eventually out of sheer desperation managed to take advice given & sort out a little 1-1 with her...........the difference it made was pretty amazing, the same girl now does well at School & though can still be a grumpy moo at times (a real Wednesdays child bless her), it actually turned out she is extremely creative & a very sensitive kid & just needed to be noticed, hence the anger........Mum was so bogged down just trying to juggle a difficult family situation & keep things going that she hadn't even noticed

not blaming the Mum at all, we all have our own challenges & she certainly had hers at the time, & sadly if kids are so angry & prone to outbursts of extreme behaviour, a lot of other parents do shy away from helping out, myself included

if that sounds like a possibility to you, then maybe asking Childrens Information Services about any possible help in your area, might be a way forward??.....or even an hour or so after school play with another family for your other DC?

you are right I have noticed in the past that when she is getting on my wick too much I need to spend a day with her to remind myself how wonderful she is. problem is her usual choice of day would be shopping and we have no money, mind you she might get some for her birthday. could fancy a girls day, shopping and cinema perhaps. do try and give her 1-1 to do her homework as I know she needs my undivided attention then.

don't go too far down this route and start blaming yourself for every bit of bad behaviour from her though dita

children do go through phases of being bloody awkward/difficult/rude/volatile

it is part of their development, they are meant to do it

not trying to undermine the good advice given about how to get things on track with her - brilliant advice

just don't want you to feel like "dd is difficult because of me" - that would be unfair and not true, IMO

Dita, how old is dd2? DD1 and I sometimes have 1 to 1 time when dd2 has fallen asleep - there'a two year gap plus dd2 is an early riser which dd1 isn't. Dd1 enjoys things like toenail painting and hair styling as well as going outside to nature watch.

It's not your fault at all, just sometimes getting objective help from outside can help you to find solutions and see the wood for the trees. Very difficult when you are in the thick of it.

agree with Greensleeves on not blaming yourself for every bit of bad behaviour, they can be little sods just as much when they get too much attention....as mine was recently

but good you can see the benefits of giving her a bit of 1-1 has for you both

if shopping is what she enjoys, then how about a compromise..... window shopping,..... you'll also so know that she is not been all me me me & spend on me, which they can be very good at :)

mine loves shopping too, but these days she is just as happy to have me tell her we can go, but I'm not taking my purse , & she'll happily have a good look around the shops, show me her favourite things & talk about what she'd love to spend birthday, xmas or just save pocket money for...& then come home & spend hours drawing her own ideas for clothes, bags etc.......if anything its less stressful, because the rules are laid out before we go & no guilt, or having to constantly say ...NO!

Nom you can't cancel a 7 year olds party.

I think you need to plan some one to one time with her - without your other child around some time soon. Sounds like she's quite insecure and could do with some time with you all to hereself. It could settle her down.