to want run away and live on my own by the sea??

[CommonSenseSuze]

Sometimes I feel like life in just one chore followed by the next, with sixteen chores hanging over me.

DP has not concept of tidying up. I tidy, he clutters (that word doesn't do it justice). I honestly don't think he's ever touched a duster in his life. He also sees the house as an extension of the garage with the number of tools that are hanging around.

DD (two years old) is happily ignoring all pleas to use the potty and to not put play doh everywhere.

Step-son (16 years old) is a total f*cking slob. Never lifts and finger, stinks and causes a huge amount of washing up (which he never does).

Dog malts all of the house, is very farty and shits in the garden (DP works early mornings and I can't leave the house to walk the dog as DD's still asleep - perish the thought that step-son would help).

Dirty dishes piling up constantly, despite the fact that the dishwasher seems to be on all the time.

Dirty washing heaped in piles near the basket. Clean washing heaped in piles on the bed.

First thing I do in the morning is sweep all downstairs because of the dog and cat hair. There's already hair all over the place again.

I seem to be the only one in the house who ever thinks about meals. I'm the only one who cooks them too. Bloody step-son won't even eat the same as us or the same time, so that's double the work.

Bathrooms are filthy. In fact, the house is dirty, but all I ever seem to do is bloody clean, around looking after DD.

DD's demanding and I have nobody around who can ever help. No family and we moved a month before she was born, so no friends who aren't swamped with their own children already.

Did I really work hard at school and do well at university for this?? Does anyone else ever get that feeling??

So sorry for the rant. I want to run away from home and live by the sea in a little flat just for me! :)

Me too. I'd love a flat by the sea just for me. There is nowhere in my house that is solely mine.

But when DS1 (16) wants to eat at a different time, he has to get his own.

Oh, and set yourself lower standards. Mine are at rock bottom now. Life's much easier.

I think my step-son is one of the major problems. He lives with us 50% of the time. His mother is extremely lazy - there's no other word for it - but dresses it up as 'relaxed'. DP is a lazy parent when it comes to him, but you can't tell him that. He's not one for accepting criticism generally, but he genuinely can't see that he's doing a bad job with his son.

My point is that I'm not in a position to put my foot down, so I plead with DP to do it. In the meantime, I feel like a skivvy. :(

1. Get rid of the dog
2. Don't cook different meals for the stepson. I'm sure he's capable of making beans on toast
3. You and your dh need to put some pressure on the stepson to load the dishwasher at least once a day.
4. You need to tell your dh that any tools you find hanging around the house will be thrown into the garage anyhow (nice cop), or put in the bin (bad cop).

no you are not unreasonable. stop cooking 2 meals for a start, if hes hungry enough hel cook. make a list thatl help with the chores. go on a sex strike until your dp does what he needs to to help out. maybe get a pt job to remind you are not just a mum and wife but woman too!

YANBU.

I might go too. I used to live by the sea - in a previous life. On my own with no DH and no DCs...

me as well. it wouldn't be quite so bad if someone showed some appreciation would it. i dream of going away so they might realise what its actually like being me and miss me. some days i feel like an advanced machine.

I've often wondered if it would be cruel to shave cats and dogs - it would solve the hair thing...

aw, I dream of this too, except my dh is quite helpful so I would let him come

YANBU at all.

part-time job doesn't help - i have one of those - it just means more work. getting teenager to do jobs requires determination and arguements - i gave up.

i have a few systems they have to fit in with, eg laundry washing, if they put it in linen basket it gets washed and placed in study; and if place becomes too untidy i warn them and if they don't clear up put everything in black bin bag in garage.

will watch for other ideas - this is going to be a popular thread

Oh I can see that we have the same life (except the ss for me)! I'll come with you- think of all the fabulous walks and how good windswept hair looks. When we off then?

Keep the dog
Only cook family meals
Let surly 16 year olds eat your cooking or go without
Dock pocket money for tasks eg dishwasher, showering, not done without aggro. For 16 year old, not 2 year old, obviously.
put 2 year old back in nappies for a while - she isn't ready.

Sounds lovely.

Maybe we should set up a mumsnet sanctuary, where you can just step into the world of 'other' for a couple of days, one where you're allowed long hot baths and lie ins, and everything is tranquil and white and minimalist, and the taps deliver chilled champagne.

Sigh , back to reality, one puking toddler, another who doesn't understand why sick bowls aren't for putting your head.

Gosh YANBU at all! Stop cooking for the 16 year old...if he wont eat the family meal then he gets nothing! If he stinks tell him to shower/change and if he won't then don't have him!

16 is almost a man! I would NO way allow a manin my house that didnt wash! I agree...keep the 2 yr old in nappies for now...just been through the same with mine.

Also..you ARE in a position to put your foot down...the lad's 16..not 6...he should be able to understand respect for others now...and if he cannot then tough!

It's actually making me want to cry reading your messages because at last someone realises that I'm not just being a boring moaner!

I did have a part-time job, but it meant working in the evenings at home (five nights a week). It was great because I used my brain, but it meant that I was more tired and grumpy the next days. Then the company ran out money so I can't do it anymore anyway!

I can't get rid of the dog. She came from a re-homing centre and I wouldn't put her through all of that again. I wish we could afford to have her groomed on a regular basis though!

I need DP to take the reins with step-son. It's impossible though. I found out the other day that I'm his emergency contact for the college. Apparently I was the natural choice. Why? I'm not his parent. His mother doesn't work and is home all day, so she should be his contact. I'm sick of being the one to rely on all the time.

Wish I could pack my toothbrush and book my train ticket to Brighton now!

What about not doing any washing that isn't in the basket? Better still, teach Step-son how to do his own clothes washing and then refuse to do any more? However, I have no experience of teenage boys - and this might not work. But a rota has got to be a way forward.

And as for the separate meals thing - cook one meal (save him some if he's not around) if he doesn't eat it, he goes hungry or he makes himself something else. I remember my uncle refusing to eat what my grandma had cooked for the family, so she'd cook him something else and then he'd go an eat the meal that she'd cooked in the first place as well. (He lived at home until he was 30ish, too.) I vowed never to do that. It's just a bit rude.

i'd definately keep the dog - its the only thing that keeps me sane. can it be clipped? ours is done every 3 months - really short and is much easier to manage

Can't you just tell the college that no, you aren't the contact? You can't have people volunteering you for things behind your back, you have a toddler who comes first and he has a mother, who isn't you.

Just. Say. No.

BTW, not only does SS not wash but helives and sleeps in the same clothes for days on end and I know that he doesn't brush his teeth. DP agrees that he stinks, but makes such a half-hearted attempt at telling him off/laying down the rules.

I also wish that we had a pocket money system for him, but although we are short of cash, DP gives SS money all of the time. He compensates with 'stuff' for the fact that he doesn't see him half of the time. It's appalling. DP's parents agree with me, but again it's all down to DP. Don't get me started on the £511 mobile bill that he ran-up for us... :(

re mobile bill.

Oh yes please!! Just for few days break - preferably with room service where I can sleep for ever, watch what I want to on tv and go out without feeling like a travelling circus. When I return home my house will be pristine and all washing and ironing done with a freezer stocked with home cooked meals that just need defrosting.. (oh yes and a potty trained dd2 would be fab)

thereis - if its not in basket in our house doesn't get done and that does work. if left on the landing i just kick back into their rooms and close the door. but you have to pick your fights - doing their own washing would be 1 too far here.

'ask your father' is something i regularly say and that gets rid of quite a lot of stuff

Right then, I'l find us a lovely little apartment, with a little terrace, overlooking the sea.

Good quality stereo, coffee brewing, and gin in the kitchen. :)

Just got to find out what time the maids arrive to keep the place immaculate.

I was thinking of a cottage in the highlands by a stormy sea, with a lovely fireplace, radio four, a friendly dog and full bookshelf. I'd have some lovely job involving writing a little book or something.

Commonsense, your stepson is doing the 'divide and conquer' game, and successfully by the sound of it.
You and your partner need to agree on his boundaries, for everyone's sake.
Don't friends or school mates comment if he stinks? Is he depressed, do you think?
In adult life no one will hand him money, in exchange for nothing.
Of course he can learn to use the washing machine etc.
He is more than old enough to cook for you now.

Throw playdoh away. She'll live without it. Only have non sticky and non marking stuff for a while.
Agree on stopping potty training for a while.

Have a couple of days out at the weekend for a few successive weekends and let them get on with it without you.