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AIBU?

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Original poster

to want run away and live on my own by the sea??

62 replies

CommonSenseSuze · 20/09/2010 13:21

Sometimes I feel like life in just one chore followed by the next, with sixteen chores hanging over me.

DP has not concept of tidying up. I tidy, he clutters (that word doesn't do it justice). I honestly don't think he's ever touched a duster in his life. He also sees the house as an extension of the garage with the number of tools that are hanging around.

DD (two years old) is happily ignoring all pleas to use the potty and to not put play doh everywhere.

Step-son (16 years old) is a total f*cking slob. Never lifts and finger, stinks and causes a huge amount of washing up (which he never does).

Dog malts all of the house, is very farty and shits in the garden (DP works early mornings and I can't leave the house to walk the dog as DD's still asleep - perish the thought that step-son would help).

Dirty dishes piling up constantly, despite the fact that the dishwasher seems to be on all the time.

Dirty washing heaped in piles near the basket. Clean washing heaped in piles on the bed.

First thing I do in the morning is sweep all downstairs because of the dog and cat hair. There's already hair all over the place again.

I seem to be the only one in the house who ever thinks about meals. I'm the only one who cooks them too. Bloody step-son won't even eat the same as us or the same time, so that's double the work.

Bathrooms are filthy. In fact, the house is dirty, but all I ever seem to do is bloody clean, around looking after DD.

DD's demanding and I have nobody around who can ever help. No family and we moved a month before she was born, so no friends who aren't swamped with their own children already.

Did I really work hard at school and do well at university for this?? Does anyone else ever get that feeling??

So sorry for the rant. I want to run away from home and live by the sea in a little flat just for me! :)

OP posts:
FlyMeToDunoon · 20/09/2010 13:59

Oh and my dream is a one bedroom flat to myself. Very tidy. Sweet little garden and now you mention it yes let's have it by the sea too. Prosecco in fridge. All my books around me. Big bed all to myself.
Sigh.
MN retreat sound good. Only thing is it would be over-booked.

Original poster
CommonSenseSuze · 20/09/2010 13:59

Christiana, that sounds heavenly! Especially at this time of year.

Bunty, I don't think he's depressed, but I do think he's genuinely addicted to the online fantasy game World of War Craft. When he's awake, he's on War Craft. He doesn't seem to have much of a social life at all, although he does have friends. There's even a girl at college who seems to fancy him.

DP agrees that he's addicted and that it's potentially ruining his health. So what does he do? Gives him money towards a new, faster laptop. Great. Hmm

OP posts:
thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 14:00

But FlyMeToDunoon (great name btw) - wouldn't it all be there for her to do when she got back?

Yes - I can see picking your fights is right - like I said my DS is 2 (but he'd LOVE to get his hands on the washing machine...).

Original poster
CommonSenseSuze · 20/09/2010 14:01

Flyme, we don't have weekends as DP works six days (long days) a week at the moment. Our one day together is usually filled with, yep - chores!

OP posts:
ChristianaTheSeventh · 20/09/2010 14:02

suze that sounds impossible with your stepson. Is there an adult (godparent, teacher, friend) who he really respects who could try to talk to him?

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 14:04

Can you talk to DH and say you want to find money in your budget for a cleaner? For all the reasons you've listed? If there's money available, then great, if not - then it could be a good starting point about making changes to your family routine?

Original poster
CommonSenseSuze · 20/09/2010 14:06

Christiana, the problem is that his mum gives him the easy option every time, so he'll listen to her. His grandparents, aunty and uncle have tried talking to him, but he just defends his mum's way of thinking. He's very protective over her and likes the lazy, easy route all the time. He keeps saying "Life's too short. Enjoy yourself." - never taking his eyes away from World of War Craft. I told him that I'm not enjoying life too much at the moment (I was holding his dirty washing at the time) but he thinks I'm just 'moaning'. :( :( :(

OP posts:
Original poster
CommonSenseSuze · 20/09/2010 14:07

thereisalight, we don't have any money for a cleaner. I would otherwise. If I had any money, that's what I'd spend it on.

OP posts:
MisterW · 20/09/2010 14:09

It sounds like your DP has done the "feeling guilty about splitting up with DS's mother so will spoil him" thing which means his DS is now a spoiled brat who needs a kick up the arse. If your DP won't do it then you need to. Stop cooking a separate meal for him, make it clear that you expect him to join the rest of the family for meals, give him jobs to do, starting with cleaning his room, and introduce him to the shower. I assume if he's playing on on-line game then he needs access to the internet so if he doesn't abide by your rules cut off his connection.

ChristianaTheSeventh · 20/09/2010 14:09

Oh my god that sounds hideous. How hard for you. I wish I could have some words of wisdom for you. I suppose though, if it weren't war craft it would be something else? I guess he will grow up one day but it must seem like you are walking through treacle with him. How is his school going?

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 14:09

Hmm - me neither (I dream of one, though...)

BuntyPenfold · 20/09/2010 14:10

Power cut to World of Whatever for a start.

FlyMeToDunoon · 20/09/2010 14:11

Yes I know what you mean about coming back to it all as that has happened to me. It's just nice sometimes to do it anyway.

Can you use the computer as a sanction? Time rationed according to how tidy room has been kept, clothes put in laundry basket/ away in wardrobe etc.

Original poster
CommonSenseSuze · 20/09/2010 14:12

MisterW, you're absolutely right.

A couple of weeks ago I did refuse to cook for him because he wouldn't wash (he hadn't in days) and I unplugged the internet. He just said he wasn't hungry and plugged the internet back in. In desperation, I unplugged it and hid the box in my knicker drawer (I know he'd never go in the there!). He just packed up his computer a went to his mum's. When DP came in and found out what happened he accused me of damaging his relationship with his son. That was the same day that he told me he's put me down as his son's emergency contact with the college.

OP posts:
thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 20/09/2010 14:14

He's doing a fine job of damaging his own relationship, I think. It doesn't seem like he has much respect.

Keep unplugging the internet, I say.

FlyMeToDunoon · 20/09/2010 14:15

Oh oh sound like time for a talk with DP.

Original poster
CommonSenseSuze · 20/09/2010 14:17

Thanks again everyone for all of your advice. Got to go now as DD's awake.

Definitely going to speak properly to DP about all of this. Things must improve.

In the meantime, I dream of the seaview. X

OP posts:
Tortington · 20/09/2010 14:21

umm....not sure why a 16 year old cant do his washing or cooking

and the default response of - his dad needs to sort him out - does ..im afraid, lead me to think that this is unecessary martyrdom.

if you don't like it change it.

see lap top or no - if a 16 yer old ( min or otherwise) was routinely taking the fucking royal piss, the putr would be gone.

how pray tell does he pay for WOW?

you and his father and his mother are doing this young person an injustice by not preparing him for the world - you are also supporting and addiction

an addiction

for that is what it is and it is very serious.

i live near brighton and when you

  1. have a family talk with dp and dss about who has what responsability around the house and what is expected from whom with a rota drawn up - your dp is not exempt becuase he works 6 days a week. 2)ban WOW, either take puter or use some puter gadget to block it 3)show dss how to use washing machine, dishwasher, cooker, freezer and iron.

you can come to mine and we will get shitholed

deal?

mumblechum · 20/09/2010 14:51

You can put a parental lock on WOW, so decide how many hours per day/week to allow.

I was going to do it to ds at one point but, (thank God), he lost interest. It looked very easy to do on the website.

mumblechum · 20/09/2010 14:52

BTW, if he's sixteen, surely he's doing A levels & needs to be doing a good 3 hours a night homework/coursework?

How's he doing at school?

bigchris · 20/09/2010 14:58

Agree withcustardo
you dh and dss' mum need to sit down and agree rules

Faaamily · 20/09/2010 15:00

get rid of the animals. Why make more work for yourself?

I hear you, though, and feel your pain. My Dh has low housework standards and I have two under fove who cause chaos in the house. It's a constant uphill struggle.

MistsAndMellow · 20/09/2010 15:02

I'm already looking at little flats in Brighton and doing sums on the back of envelopes.

I will own legions of cats so I can hide vodka bottles in the litter trays well away from the prying eyes of well-meaning carers and relatives.

Got the idea from Jilly Cooper novels.

mumblechum · 20/09/2010 15:06

I quite fancy a lighthouse, accessible only by zip wire.

dreamingofsun · 20/09/2010 15:23

mists - i'm glad you added the bit about jilly cooper - i wasn't sure whether to be ipressed or worried about you before reading that!!

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