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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to give baby clothes to someone who once told me they were in love with my DH?

58 replies

LittleOneMum · 20/09/2010 10:29

I have been married to my DH for 4 years, but we have been together for 12. In the last few years we have had 2 DCs, one DS and one DD who is 4 months old. My DH has a young female colleague who he became friends with about 6 years ago, pre kids and marriage. About 6 months after they became friends we were all out at a function together and after quite a few drinks she confessed she was 'in love' with my then not quite DH. At the time I laughed it off, by saying something like 'Really? Me too!' and it has never been mentioned again. I decided at the time not to tell DH and I never have. as far as I know, she has not told him.
So return to the present day, I have been a complete grown up and have accepted that they are friends. She even came to our wedding. Just in case you think that I am a saint, I do feel like holding out my foot and tripping her up every time I see her..
Anyway she has recently gotten married and is expecting a DD herself. On his wisdom, my DH has told her that I was about to have a big clear out of baby clothes (true as we have decided on no more) and we would of course have some to pass on to her. I foollishly said that I would of course, but now here I am sitting in my daughter's room, practically crying at the thought of giving ANY of these clothes I carefully chose for her to that woman.
I KNOW that I am probably being unreasonable but there is something so damn evocative about baby clothes...
Need advice . Is it unacceptable to just give her a small pile of clothes I did not like much in the first place...

OP posts:
bratnav · 20/09/2010 10:31

YANBU, give the baby clothes to who yu want.

readywithwellies · 20/09/2010 10:32

YANBU, small pile.

DetectivePotato · 20/09/2010 10:32

Are you sure its just this woman and you are not feeling sad at the thought of giving away your baby clothes, thinking that you will have no more?

YANBU, its up to you who you want to give the clothes away to. I gave loads of clothes to my friend, who is a very good friend but I did keep my favourite things as we are having another one. Luckily we seem to have the opposite taste anyway and my favourite things don't seem to be hers and vice versa.

PaulineCampbellJones · 20/09/2010 10:34

It's up to you who you give the clothes to. She probably cringes at what she said to you though every time she sees you.

Anenome · 20/09/2010 10:36

YANBU but I think the issue needs to be sorted....if you still feel so strongly about this weird chick...(sorry but she did a weird thing) then you should tell DH how you feel...
does DH know what she said that night?

LittleMissHissyFit · 20/09/2010 10:36

Oh but it is amazing how precious we can get about our DC old baby clothes. Have been in that position myself.

Mind you, not with someone who said she was in love with H..

it's utterly your call on who and if you donate your old clothes to. If you are not going to need them again, then of course off-load the ones you wish to get rid of. If they are of good quality, you could always ebay them....

YANBU about BU... Grin

Tippychoocks · 20/09/2010 10:38

No, don't give them. People offer stuff and don't follow through all the time, I doubt if she will notice. If it upsets you then don't do it.
Or just give her a bag of the things you don't much like Grin

thumbwitch · 20/09/2010 10:39

YANBU at all - it's too invasive of your family space, imo. I am not going to be able to put this very well but it's like she wanted your DH and now her DD is going to have your DD's clothes - so there will be another link there - and I would feel desperately uncomfortable with that too.

It's entirely up to you who you give your baby stuff too - if necessary say you have already promised them to someone else (please find someone else to give them to). Some people might think "they are just clothes fgs" but they're not, they're things that belonged to your DD and were very personal.

How you get out of it is up to you - but do what you have to. Otherwise you might feel mighty weird seeing her DD in your DD's clothes.

bintofbohemia · 20/09/2010 10:39

How weird of her to tell you that. Drunk or otherwise, if your DH was with you, why would she do that? Hmm

taintedpaint · 20/09/2010 10:40

It was just that one time? And a really long time ago? She probably bitterly regrets saying it and likely wasn't even as serious as you think she was (who tells the wife if they are?!). If you don't want to give her the clothes, don't give them, but let go of this silly resentment at her. YABU to hang onto such strong feelings about this woman, but YANBU to be funny about giving away baby clothes, that can be hard no matter the circumstances.

Original poster
LittleOneMum · 20/09/2010 10:43

You are totally right to say that it is hard to give up DD's clothes. Have made a small pile of things which I would label 'things I wouldn't mind seeing her DD in ...'. Glad to hear that sometimes it is possible to be reasonable about being unreasonable ...

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 20/09/2010 10:46

She appears to be over it, if she has married and is having a baby. I wouldn't like it either though.

Years ago I heard through a particularly tactless (possibly shit stirring friend) that another of our friends fancied my boyfriend. As far as I know, she hasn't behaved inappropriately, but this was years ago now and I still don't feel kindly towards the 'friend' who had the crush

I would give her a few(non sentimental)bits and tell her that a close friend has already asked you for the rest.

Original poster
LittleOneMum · 20/09/2010 10:50

I should maybe say that I don't harbour really terrible feelings. And I am sure that she does regret it, and that she is over it. When I agreed to give her the clothes, I felt happy about it. It is only now that I am actually doing it....

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 20/09/2010 10:54

If she was drunk she might not remember saying it ( bitter voice of not quite that bad experience) and/or didn't really mean it/ moment of insanity changed mind since... I'm feeling sympathetic here.

Of course YANBU to not give clothes though! Or not like her...

taintedpaint · 20/09/2010 10:54

This is more about the clothes then? How would you feel if you were giving them away to someone you liked?

nottirednow · 20/09/2010 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
LittleOneMum · 20/09/2010 11:33

OK Mumsnet jury. You have spoken. I have prepared a quite large bag of clothes for said baby, including some things which I really liked, and have kept a much smaller bag of favourite things, which I will keep and give to a close friend or my sister or something should they ever need them. Thanks for all opinions! Need to work on that hormonal thing, I think!

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 20/09/2010 11:37

Well I think YABU.

It was years ago. Nothing ever came of it. Water under the bridge. So what?

mummydoesnotunderstand · 20/09/2010 11:39

I totally get how you feel about giving away your dcs clothes, especially since dd is still so little.

But what I don't really understand is all the posts that say 'it is entirely your choice who you give the baby things to'. A mother may have more of an emotional attachement to little baby clothes, they may have chosen most of them and washed them more often. But the dcs and their belongings are something shared between a couple, no? Why would one parent have the exclusive right to make a decision.

gingerwig · 20/09/2010 11:54

I think giving away the first lots of baby clothes is often quite an emotional thing. You should give them to whomever you chose.

In a few years you will be desperate to find someone, anyone to give the piles and piles of outgrown clothes you will accumulate Smile

gingerwig · 20/09/2010 11:55

I do think you should get over any hard feelings towards her though, but that's a separate issue to the baby clothes

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 11:55

just give her the stuff you didn't like, or the stuff that was handed down to you

or the clothes that aren't quite perfect, tiny little stains on them etc

< evil >

mummydoesnotunderstand · 20/09/2010 12:00

Or do the opposite and give her all the wonderful beautiful things so that she knows what great taste you have and just how amazing your life with dh and the dcs is.

SlightlyJaded · 20/09/2010 12:01

Agree with AnyFucker - give her a couple of bits that you never really liked and hold no sentimental value - but only if you really feel under pressure to give her anything to get yourself out of an embarrassing spot. If however, you really don't want to give her anything - don't. Tell DH, sorry but you've already promised XYZ to so and so.

MarshaBrady · 20/09/2010 12:04

Yanbu.

Just give your least favourite.

No one should give away baby stuff if it makes them feel sad in any way. And people love new stuff for their first really.

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