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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to give baby clothes to someone who once told me they were in love with my DH?

58 replies

LittleOneMum · 20/09/2010 10:29

I have been married to my DH for 4 years, but we have been together for 12. In the last few years we have had 2 DCs, one DS and one DD who is 4 months old. My DH has a young female colleague who he became friends with about 6 years ago, pre kids and marriage. About 6 months after they became friends we were all out at a function together and after quite a few drinks she confessed she was 'in love' with my then not quite DH. At the time I laughed it off, by saying something like 'Really? Me too!' and it has never been mentioned again. I decided at the time not to tell DH and I never have. as far as I know, she has not told him.
So return to the present day, I have been a complete grown up and have accepted that they are friends. She even came to our wedding. Just in case you think that I am a saint, I do feel like holding out my foot and tripping her up every time I see her..
Anyway she has recently gotten married and is expecting a DD herself. On his wisdom, my DH has told her that I was about to have a big clear out of baby clothes (true as we have decided on no more) and we would of course have some to pass on to her. I foollishly said that I would of course, but now here I am sitting in my daughter's room, practically crying at the thought of giving ANY of these clothes I carefully chose for her to that woman.
I KNOW that I am probably being unreasonable but there is something so damn evocative about baby clothes...
Need advice . Is it unacceptable to just give her a small pile of clothes I did not like much in the first place...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 12:04

oh, and tell DH to never promise anything to anybody again without discussing it with you first ! Hmm

annec555 · 20/09/2010 12:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You feel how you feel and, by the sound of things, you have been very mature about those feelings and not acted upon them in any way over the years. I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed a moment to indulge your feelings about her.

Somone once said something similar, although not quite as blatant, about my OH and dressed it up as a joke. It was quite clearly not a joke given her behaviour around him. I have never felt the same about her since and that was a number of years ago. And in terms of baby clothes being quite personal, a couple that we know quite well but are not really friends with, openly assumed that they could have some quite special items of clothing when ds grew out of them (one was homemade) and I am afraid I immediately made up my mind that they were not getting a thing!
Baby things are not just about giving a gift to save someone money - giving them sort of implies that you are sharing their excitement and pleasure over the new baby. If you are not that close, or do not really like the person involved, I can see why you wouldn't want to do that.

gtamom · 20/09/2010 12:12

Go to a charity shop and buy some stuff, and give her that instead? Give the cherished things to someone you like.

Yes, I am evil that way.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 12:13

blimey, gta, you are more evil than me ! Grin

CharlieBoo · 20/09/2010 12:14

YANBU, just give her the ones you don't like much.

Tbh she probably doesn't even want them, I know with my dd, I just didn't want anyones old baby clothes for my dd. Not being a snob, I wanted to go out and pick them.

SlightlyJaded · 20/09/2010 12:23

actually, why not get one of those 'cute' babygrows customised with the words 'Daddy Loves Mummy' - throw some old egg and stuff down it and pass that on.

Now who is the most evil Grin

Tippychoocks · 20/09/2010 12:36

Somebody gave me a "Daddy's little angel" pink nylon-y babgygrow which I am sure is still in the loft. You may have it and I will smear some butter and crumbs on it myself.

Can we not have a whip round for the OP of the nastiest babyclothes we have been hiding?

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 12:39

oh, this could get possibly very savage

< titters >

witlesssarah · 20/09/2010 12:45

Don't want to interupt the evil banter, and I see that OP has sorted out her dilemma, but I'm interested in the fact that you all consider it to be the mother's decision as to what happens to the clothes 'make sure DH checks with you before offering anything to anyone'

Why are the clothes not DH's as well. If he wants to offer them to a friend why can't he? (I understand in this case that the OP didn't want her DH to consider this woman as a friend)

Does the same rule apply to all baby things (toys etc) or is it just clothes?

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 13:15

well, I wouldn't offer anything away that had belonged to the dc's before checking that DH was ok with it

typical bloke, he would just look at me blankly Wink, but it is good manners to check first, yes ?

baby clothes and toys have an extra sentimality attached to them, for most people, that cannot be denied

gingerwig · 20/09/2010 13:19

good point witlesssarah

witlesssarah · 20/09/2010 13:22

Fair enough, if its reciprocal, I just had the sense that for a lot of people here the clothes were the woman's business, and i found that interesting.

Its also interesting that it shifts as they get older, i just sorted through DS's (4) clothes for things he'd outgrown, no emotion, no discussion with DH, just a household job. All his baby clothes are still in the attic.

pinkbasket · 20/09/2010 13:24

YANBU but I do feel you should never give anything to anyone unless you really want too and can do it without any bad feeling.

I gave 6 bags of clothes to someone who didn't have a lot of money. Never even got so much as a thank you. Won't pass on anything else nor buy anything new if they have any more children. I can't bare bad manners.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 13:26

you make a good point sarah, of course

perhaps I should be wondering why my DH looks at me blankly when I suggest finally getting rid of stuff cluttering up the loft ?

or maybe that is because he is the one who will be risking life and limb to retrieve it Smile

fedupofnamechanging · 20/09/2010 13:26

I wouldn't consult my DH about baby clothes. I chose them all, so do feel as if they are mine to do with as I choose. My DH didn't really have much of an opinion on baby clothes, isn't emotional about them .

If I did ask him first, he would look at me as if I'd gone mad. To him, it's just stuff they have outgrown.

Now my boys are older, I ask for his input more when buying as I want to get things they'll like (esp sports stuff). I choose all my DDs things though.

diddl · 20/09/2010 13:33

If she remembers what she said, she might be feeling awkward about accepting clothes from you!

Give a few things that you aren´t bothered about as a gesture.

Mine are teens & I have a few bits that I still can´t part withBlush

proudnglad · 20/09/2010 13:37

Oh come on, most men have nothing to do with baby clothes even in this post-feminist age of equality!! My dh has been SAHD for years but has not a clue about the whereabouts or clearing out of the dc's clobber.

Definitely don't give her the clothes. In my opinion, this is actually to do with the fact you didn't confront or chastise her (probably quite rightly) at the time. So now you're thinking 'if I give her the clothes, I am just rolling over yet again'.

proudnglad · 20/09/2010 13:37

By the way, hate to be flippant, but great opening thread title!!

StewieGriffinsMom · 20/09/2010 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feelingsensitive · 20/09/2010 13:45

What AnyFucker says.

witlesssarah · 20/09/2010 13:45

When I said interesting, I meant interesting, not wrong. I'm not sure if I have more interest in the baby clothes than DH does. And i take the point karmabeliever makes (though DH certainly chose plenty of ours and most of them we bought toghether)

My point was just that its interesting that the descision seems to rest with the woman. (And probably the work too - OP doesn't say she wants to stop DH giving the woman the clothes, just that she doesn't want to give them to her herself)

thesecondcoming · 20/09/2010 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleOneMum · 20/09/2010 14:28

Hm, although it is tempting to ask everyone to send me their nastiest baby clothes Grin I won't do that. Thank you to everyone who said that I was mature about it at the time, I think I was. They have lunch at least 2 times a week and gave done for years and not once have I internally shouted 'Stop lunching with my DH, you numpty' Grin even at my most hormonal!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleOneMum · 20/09/2010 14:34

The second coming, play nicely! Of course I don't think she still loves him - although trust me, at the time she meant it. It is just part of the background and probably I am just hormonal and giving away DD's tiny clothes got to me. AIBU getting a bit too much for me now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 14:35

LOM, be brave !!

Stick to your AIBU guns ! You didn't expect everyone to agree did ya ?

tsc is a pussycat, I promise you, even with a cats-bum face Smile

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