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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are women only gutsy online?

66 replies

BarmyArmy · 18/09/2010 01:42

I've been on MN for a few months now and must confess to spotting a difference between the women on here and those in the real world.

On here, people (mostly women) are happy to argue the toss on anything...yet "in real life" (IRL), women are much more likely to give way in an argument than your average bloke.

Why?

By way of background, I did 10 years in the Army, followed by several years in the City and, whilst all the women I met/worked with were bright/confident etc, none would debate or discuss in the way that happens on here - blokes, on the other hand, "seem" no different.

Please explain.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 18/09/2010 01:59

Because that's what MN is all about?

You're not going to come on here and get into a barny be opinionated if that's not your cup of tea, and not every woman you've met would have been up for debating stuff, especially at work.

Sharing your opinion on here isn't the same as in RL because you don't have the nuances that go with a face to face relationship, and you don't have to suffer the consequences of what you've said...as such.

BitOfFun · 18/09/2010 02:06

Only argumentative assertive types survive on Mumsnet. I am quite sure that the sort of women who make here their online home are pretty assertive in real life too.

AgentZigzag · 18/09/2010 02:16

Actually reading back your OP BA, you're implying that women will back down rather than argue the toss over something.

Is that really the case?

Perhaps you're a really scary person who women feel intimidated by and you've just not noticed it's only you they do it with?

Or you're judging them on situations where only smalltalk is appropriate?

Or the myth that MN is populated by hairy handed truckers is in fact the truth, and we're all blokes?

yy, it's the last one Grin

tallwivglasses · 18/09/2010 02:18

I think mumsnet has influenced me to be more (bolshy and argumentative) assertive in the real world.

Which is a Good Thing.

IMoveTheStars · 18/09/2010 02:18

No, Im a mouthy cow outspoken woman in real life. I may be more blunt here, but that;s all

MaMoTTaT · 18/09/2010 02:42

I'm a stubborn cow and NEVER back down..........well I do once in a while.....

TechLovingDad · 18/09/2010 04:22

10 years in the Army, where everyone does as they are told and the City where, well say no more.

Wonder if you've come up against my Mrs? She'd have you for breakfast.

Most blokes are spineless and get all bolshy when "confronted". All that bravado bullshit at work really pisses me off.

Also, almost ALL male friends I have or have had, feel the need to get into some stupid pissing contest with me at some point. Why?
I'm taller / broader / not laughing at their jokes / don't slag my wife off / etc. It's boring.

proudnglad · 18/09/2010 04:38

There are genuinely assertive women on here. But direct & blunt comments are made with humour as much as outrage or anger etc.

Of course we're not quite as blunt in RL as on MN or it would be 24 hour fisticuffs.

But it's not RL, it's an online forum where there's no point and no need to pussy foot about.

And what Tech said about the army and the city.

What does annoy me though is when posters dish out strident advice that no sane peson would take up in RL and that they clearly wouldn't do either.

Why am I awake?

Alouiseg · 18/09/2010 08:24

"Give way in an argument?". My dh would definitely disagree with you there BarmyArmy!

I was employed by a large German city bank after I had argued against them in a dispute when I was employed by a previous company.

So I am afraid I would disagree with you there.

annec555 · 18/09/2010 08:26

I say nothing online that I wouldn't say in real life - but then again I am a bit of a stickler for saying what you want to say with courtesy and not getting carried away just because you don't have to look at the other person's face when you have said it.

proudnglad · 18/09/2010 08:27

And at the word 'gutsy'.

We're not in a 1950s thigh-slapping musical western.

Anenome · 18/09/2010 08:33

I've only been on here for a couple of days and what strikes me more than the assertive/bolshy women on here,is the fact that there appears to be a vast and untapped pool of women who are hugely clever/great at debate.

I keep thinking "But where are they in the real world"

Certainly not at MY toddlers group or school gates!

LadyBiscuit · 18/09/2010 08:36

Actually I do argue in real life. Unfortunately that has got me a reputation at work for being scary, aggressive, bullish etc. If I were a man I'd be assertive, incisive, determined.

BeenBeta · 18/09/2010 08:36

Barmy - my wife used to work in The City. She doesnt do 'backing down'. She is very forthright. I know very well that some men are frightened of her.

In RL my DW is just like women on here. Dont think you can generalise. Maybe some women in RL do feel less able to speak out but in the written word they can. Some blokes are the same. Grin

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 18/09/2010 08:40

no, and you are obviously talking to the wrong women.

PhillipeVonRumple · 18/09/2010 08:42

I have got far more assertive the older I've got and even more so after I had children. I had a bit of crisis after having my 2nd child, realised I was drifting into a path of the wrong choices (nothing exciting, unsupportive friends, no steps forward, just stagnating) and turned it around. This has all co-incided with joining a community of other strong women on mumsnet. I think it has helped to see other positive voices out there.
Not sure if I've answered the OP but I certainly know alot of other strong women as well as a couple who seem to model themselves on 1950's housewives (one of my best friends, who I love dearly but who has so much more to give than just shopping and cleaning but doesn't seem to want to).

PhillipeVonRumple · 18/09/2010 08:43

Oh and of course it's far easier to be arsey online where there are no repercussions.

You bunch of bitches.

CakeandRoses · 18/09/2010 08:55

I think some posters on here are a bit ruder than people I know in RL but maybe I'm just lucky in that I only know nice people Grin

Most RL women I know are pretty much like mumsnetters - assertive, clever and funny, I think it's just that those traits are more noticeable on here because there's so many views/personalities concentrated in one place.

YaddahYaddahYaddah · 18/09/2010 09:28

Posters are definitely ruder on here than IRL. If there were the same ratio of rudees to politee IRL as there are on MN you'd end up getting insulted each time you opened your mouth

Reckon there are some on here that make purposefully rude comments just because they can get away with it.

LynetteScavo · 18/09/2010 09:31

My real life friends, after a couple of drinks make MNers seem quite tame.

Original poster
BarmyArmy · 18/09/2010 10:01

Anenome - that's more akin to what I meant. I think these forums do show that a lot of people (women and men alike) can be quite argumentative online but, like I say, I've not encountered that many women IRL that are that way inclined.

Btw, it's a bit of a misconception that, in the Army, everyone does as they're told. The reason discipline is strictly enforced is that that is the only way an organisation with so many "alpha" people can work.

One more thing - why is it whenever someone makes a generalisation (as I am), people respond with individual counter-arguments. Do they not see that to do so is to miss the point entirely? BeenBeta, Alouiseg - this is aimed at you.

Respond with a contradictory generalisation by all means but please, don't think that, by pointing out how your individual circumstances differ, you have somehow countered the original thesis.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 18/09/2010 10:14

We can only respond by our own life experiences though - I am as argumentative and like LynetteScavo, MNers are pussycats compared to lots of my friends.

I would hate being in the army - can't stand being told what to do :o

nikkershaw · 18/09/2010 10:23

have to say i have been told (years ago) that people were scared of me because of my forthright views. so i sort of back down and keep my trap shut more in rl now which is sort of sad (im a girl with aboys name)

proudnglad · 18/09/2010 10:36

Nikker - same with me. Was secretly known as 'Scary Woman' at uni for 2 months before they all realised the true wonder that is me!
I've mellowed a lot and have a very thick hide so am pretty hard to offend!

RubberDuck · 18/09/2010 10:39

I find that I have equal arsy-ness online or off, but when it's the written word I have more time to think through my arguments and make a decent case for myself. I'll also write a complete load of tosh and then think "no, I can't post that" and hit the cancel button Grin

So yes, probably come across differently online, but that's more because I have the time to think things through more clearly in the written form.

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