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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Toddlers and first-class travel ... (again!)

77 replies

Asana · 18/09/2010 00:28

Yes, I know it's been done before (I think I still have the thread about first-class travel by plane with children bookmarked somewhere), but I don't care.

So, traveling to Manchester from London earlier today on a midday train for my sister's wedding(s). 16mo DS is highly strung at the best of times, let alone when traveling for 4hrs strapped into a buggy, so was justifiably dreading the trip. I'd booked 2 first class tickets, figuring that I could take him out of his buggy from time to time and have him sit beside me, vainly hoping that having a bit more space to kick about would help make the trip easier.

To put it bluntly, he screamed the entire way, frustrated at not being able to move around. I didn't want to risk blocking the aisles by walking him between carriages and disturbing more people than need be. Colouring books, an iPod with headphones, cartoons on a laptop, lots of finger food, moving all breakable objects and clearing the table of anything he could lob as a weapon etc did nothing. Whatever I tried, he found a way to make it dangerous/antisocial. Even trying to ignore the bad typical behaviour of a non-speaking toddler coupled with regular finger-wagging, proferring a dummy and even (and this I hate to admit) smacking his hand away when he reached to bang the table with his cup/hands/spoon repeatedly for the umpteenth time didn't help. I was utterly mortified when various people moved away tutting loudly and couldn't bring myself to face them.

We finally got to Manchester and, heaving a massive sigh of resignation relief, started getting our stuff together to leave the train. A gentleman walking to the exit waited for the carriage doors to close before launching into a mini-tirade at the other strangers about his ruined journey, all this in clear ear-shot of me. I wish I'd been the bigger person and let it go, but I opened the carriage doors and said to him that it was rude to talk in such a manner about people within their earshot, that we had all been children once and that I had done all I could to keep DS as quiet as possible. The other people looked away and he went a shade of red before turning his back to me and muttering sarcastically (and I quote) "Well, you obviously didn't do a great job of it." I'm ashamed to admit that I told him that I hoped I would have the good grace of raising my son a lot better than his parents did of him. He walked off the train, and I waited before getting to our hotel before bursting into tears.

The thing is I know how frustrating it must be wanting some peace and quiet on a train journey and being subjected to the wailing of someone else's banshee child, but I really don't know what else I could have done. The worst thing is I have to make the same journey back on Sunday in standard class and keep getting a lump in my throat just thinking about it, to the point where I'm considering using my college grant to book a taxi journey all the way home, with the opportunity of stopping at regular intervals to give DS the opportunity to get rid of as much energy as possible. It's something I can ill-afford, but the thought of having to go through the same thing has me in bits!

I don't really think IW/ABU at the incident on the train, but the whole thing (including and especially the smack) made me feel like a shitty traveler/person/mother. I'm exhausted from the 12hr days at college, the lack of sleep from a DS who still doesn't sleep through the night, the inability to get any work done this weekend, the knowledge that next week at college is going to be hellish, the 9am starts and the thought of another 4 hour journey door to door from Manchester to South London. Apologies for the melodramatic tone, but some Mumsnet words of support, coupled with un-Mumsnetty hugs, would be much appreciated right now ...

OP posts:
eachpeach80 · 18/09/2010 00:41

Give yourself a break.

You did the best you could. You were not BU in my opinion. Particularly given that people could change seats if it was upsetting them that much. That man was BU and rude.

Do not feel bad about getting the train back on Sunday. Oh, and look into seeing if you can get an upgrade if that would make it easier for you. Sometimes quite reasonable at the weekends, ask at the station, I think you pay on the train. I'm actually not sure you even need a ticket for your DS.

Enjoy the wedding and have a hug x

IMoveTheStars · 18/09/2010 00:43

In my opinion (and this is only my personal opinion) people who travel first class do so because they have to do endless tedious journeys due to their work (the people I work for certainly do, I'm a PA)
As an example, my boss recently did a trip to Boston, then Newark, then Denver, San Diego then to Amsterdam. All within a week. They then had to Eurostar to London and travel up to Sheffield. I think if they'd been in the car with a screaming child having paid out for the first class fair they'd be pretty put out.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but I'm just pointing out why you may have got the reaction you did. (not being a bitch, honest :) )

In your situation I wouldn't have bothered with first class, and would have just let him walk up and down the carriages. Yes, you might get in people's way a bit but surely that's better than an unhappy screaming child

IMoveTheStars · 18/09/2010 00:44

in the car?? In the carriage - sorry.
[should preview]

and faRE, not fair... lordy!

Lauriefairycake · 18/09/2010 00:45

{{{{hugs}}}} for your awful journey.

Yes, the guy was being a twat bringing it up with you in a passive-aggressive way. He can be as pissed off as he likes (and it must have been shit for the other passengers too) but he should have kept his feckin' trap shut - there was nothing else you could have done.

Try and get an upgrade - and hope the train is quieter on the way back Smile

gammy · 18/09/2010 00:46

Hey you did your best, but going back let him out. Don't worry about blocking aisles. A long trek to the buffet car and a sniff at the toilets all adds to the amusement. If possible sit next to some oldies they usually have more patience and kindness than an uptight business bod. I don't want this to sound, as I know it?s going to, but the more wound up and anxious you are the more he will be. Sort of self fulfilling prophesy.
Chill and be chilled and sod the tutters. Distraction distraction distraction is the order of the day. If he is playing up the walk down the train will give some respite to the other passengers. Most people will be thinking there but for the grace of god go I rather than what a pain.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 18/09/2010 00:49

You bought your seats you did your best. Sounds like noone offered to help you either Sad

First class means you have a bigger seat and maybe some complimentary refreshment. That's all. Well done for telling him where to get off. What a git!

For your return journey can you go just after nap time's due? Then he'll sleep some of the way. And I don't think people mind the walking up and down (especially if you go out of earshot for 5 minutes and give the other passengers a break). A change of scene can often settle dc back down.

And staggering the entertainment. Getting out a new toy makes a world of difference and is cheaper than cab fare Wink

SpeedyGonzalez · 18/09/2010 00:51

That man was a passive aggressive dick. Your child is 16 mos and so has a jolly good excuse for his behaviour. DickMan does not.

I applaud your bravery for standing up for yourself. Wish I had your balls. Yes, your son caused some irritation during the train journey, but did he torch the train? Let off a bomb? These are things which some adults do on public transport which are far more 'inconvenient' than a misbehaving tot. It's a pain to travel with someone who's making noise, but that man clearly decided it was going to ruin his day. Which, frankly, is childish. So let him be responsible for his little strop, and you carry on being a great (and NORMAL!) mum.

Oh, and when you get a mo could you teach me how to be more ballsy? Grin

IMoveTheStars · 18/09/2010 00:51

OP, have you got a smart phone of any kind? there are all sorts of apps that will help with distraction/entertainment for this kind of situation

ohfuschia · 18/09/2010 00:52

You have my sympathy, I have a 13 month old DS and would shudder at the thought of a confined train journey. Plus you have a demanding schedule and are coping on less than optimal sleep. You definitely deserve a good hug. And for what it's worth, if I were you I would have wished I'd said what you did but would probably just have managed some passive aggressive babble not-quite-loudly-enough. Of course you're upset about the smack, but as eachpeach said, give yourself a break, it was very stressful.

Hope the weekend goes well and this is soon a distant memory.

Myleetlepony · 18/09/2010 08:22

Blimey Manicmum, I hardly think that we can be critical because nobody offered to help Asana. It's one thing to hope that people would be a bit more understanding, but not everyone would know where to start with the helping. Besides which, they simply might not want to volunteer themselves for a journey as an assistant childcarer.

Anenome · 18/09/2010 08:47

Huh! YOU shouldn't be the upset party here! What did the guy want? He sounds like a fool....I have also gotten into a few stand up rows regrding rude people and my kids...you were right! Now the guy will think twice before victimizing a hrrassed parent again won't he!

Kids are part of life...like old people and farts...they're a stinky pain in the nethers at times especially if they're not your own...but they're always going to be here.

You were correct. He was a twot.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 18/09/2010 09:01

I suspect the first class travel made you more stressed?

The knowledge that people have paid to travel in comfort and that my child was making the journey difficult would make me stressed!

I remember a similar journey and commuters tutting whilst I tried desperately hard to soothe tantruming toddlers (two!)

It happens and I share your distress. I agree with the poster who said pick a seat with elderly travellers if poss who might be more sympathetic. Can you avoid commuting times?

Can you park your stuff and leave it and take your DS for walks up and down carriages?

hotbot · 18/09/2010 09:37

can you time your train journey back after perhaps a swim for your lo? or have you tonnes of bags etc ? i found that tiring them out beforehand helped, even if just a run about in a park helped my stress levels and their boisterousness?

JustAnotherManicMummy · 18/09/2010 09:42

Myleetlepony my point was that I was suggesting the possibility of not only the passenger complaining but not offering any help either. I never said it would be reasonable or appropriate for complete strangers to offer childcare. Of course it wouldn't.

But I do think it's not on to sit idley by and then bitch. The op was obviously struggling and a kind word or offer to make the trip to the buffet car all make a huge difference. Even a "would you like me to keep an eye on your bag/buggy/coat while you take him for a walk?" would have helped relieve the stress a bit.

But we don't know if that was the case because the op hasn't said it was.

MaudOHara · 18/09/2010 10:31

TBH you may find return journey better in standard class with other families and then you will be less aware of any noise that your DC is making.

fluffles · 18/09/2010 10:34

i would travel in standard and i would go and wander around the vestibules and the bit where the big access toilet is - first class is too much pressure to sit still for a small child i think.. standard will be more relaxing and generally louder and more interesting stuff for LO to gawp at.

Doodleydoo · 18/09/2010 10:43

What kind of ipod do you have? is it an iphone/ itouch? If it is there are some brilliant toddler apps that are free - something called shapes is one that my dd loves - a little older but anything that they can press and keep going on...

Also any sticker magazines?

The guy is a gimp, and ime people in first class do think that they they deserve silence. I am a pretty bad one and go nuts if there is someone heavy breathing or if I am subjected to their music............but so be it, I think I might have asked if you needed me to look after your stuff.

Good luck on the way home, I understand how you feel. My bf had a terrible journey on a 2 hour flight with her dd and even the stewardess was a bitch to her (this is despite dosing up the main offender as prescribed by the dr) to the point where she hired a car and drove all the way home on her own Sad

BrandyAlexander · 18/09/2010 10:54

poor you. don't be forced to hire a taxi, just get the train home. I travel first/business class both with work and with family and its uber stressful if my toddler disturbs other people as I know that when I do work trips I am getting straight off a plane/train into a meeting. However, the advantages for ME of travelling first with toddler are more than made up for by dealing with irritated passengers. I take the view that we have all paid the same money so I am just as entitled to be there. That doesn't mean that when I am in work mode I dont groan inwardly when a young family get in the cabin but don't let it put you off! Good luck with the journey back.

NotAnotherNewNappy · 18/09/2010 10:55

You have my sympathy. DD (only just 2yo) can be a nightmare on the train and we have to take her on quite a lot of journeys (no car, PILs live 2hrs away).

Are you seats booked for the way home? We always try to sit in the disabled/bike bit if it's free - so that we can leave her in the buggy and there is lots of room for little walks around. Could you ask the guard if there's an area like this?

Which train company are you travelling with? Virgin have free kids goody bags that might keep him quite for five minutes.

Have a look in Smiths for the toddler magazines (In the Night Garden, Peppa Pig). I resisted buying these for ages - but DD finds the stickers and free toys much more entertaining than normal books or colouring.

Don't dare book a taxi back! You are a mum, you can handle this!! Good luck x

bigchris · 18/09/2010 11:03

You really need to relax and then hopefully your toddler will
I'd let him wander about too
give him loads of snacks
give him things you know will keep him quiet like your phone , keys etc
cuddlehim to sleep
good luck!

LoveBeing · 18/09/2010 11:09

Poor you I can imaigne how much pressure you felt all through the journey, just to have him voice what you knew everyone was thinking.

Is there anything that keeps him occupied/quiet? Dont spend all your money on a taxi.

duchesse · 18/09/2010 11:11

Please don't worry yourself into knots about the journey back. Since you're in standard class, you'll be less stressed about disturbing other passengers (they're usually all yapping into or fiddling with their mobile phones or ipods anyway), so you can take him up and down the carriage. I think feeling that you are disturbing people makes you more stressed and amplifies any noise your child makes. IMO there are far more entitled feeling people in first class. Little do they know that there are some other people who are there because it's sometimes cheaper to get a first class ticket. That would really put them out.

jesuswhatnext · 18/09/2010 11:12

fwiw, i always travel first class and i feel for you!, take no notice of the 'tutters', they proberbly had small dcs once and tbh, that means that sometimes we have all suffered the journey from hell with our little darlings at one time or another - if they cant have a bit of empathy with you, then sod 'em! at least he wasnt sick! Grin

PaulineCampbellJones · 18/09/2010 11:48

Your DS was not ruining their journey. They ruined it for themselves getting all Daily Mail and highly strung.
It wouldn't have occurred to anyone to offer help, chat to your DS or you in order to help YOU relax.
The journey back will be fine, try comics, bribes anything and try to enjoy your time up north.

Mishy1234 · 18/09/2010 11:57

Don't beat yourself up about it, you did all you can and that man was rude and probably regrets his behaviour (I hope!).

Isn't there a quiet carriage (no mobiles etc) on long train journeys now?