AIBU to think my sleep is just as important as DH's?

[KittyCatIsGettingFat]

Maybe I am, I don't know... I'm so sleep deprived I can't think straight...

Here's the background - DD (16mo) has never been a good sleeper. Even when she was in my tummy she would kick and wriggle all night long... nothing's changed now that she's out, and the longest stretch she's ever gone is five hours without waking (which seemed like bliss!). Hasn't happened for a while though, with all the teething...

We had a very long labour (56 hours) and a difficult time breastfeeding in the beginning... Our lovely BF counsellor suggested co-sleeping as a way to maximise sleep and that worked well for us. She'd have a lovely feed in the night and fall right back to sleep, and nobody had to get up! Fab! We had a very small bed in our old place, so DH went to sleep in the spare room during work nights to get a proper sleep.

When we moved into a bigger place when DD was 3mo, DH tried to sleep with us again but said he was too disturbed by her wakings. He moved into the spare room (supposedly temporarily) which in a way was a blessing, as he snores so loudly I was sure that was waking DD up... After really bad nights I would take DD in to her Daddy at 6am, and he would give her breakfast and get dressed for work with her, bringing her back to me when he left at 8am. This meant I got a little rest even on the worst nights, which I really appreciated!

Fast forward to 16mo, DD is still sleeping with me and DH is not. We've decided that this is ridiculous so he's been back with us for the past few nights - and I'd thought all was well. DD slept quite badly, waking 6 times last night and took ages getting back to sleep each time. This morning at 06h30 I asked DH if he would mind taking DD for an hour while he gets dressed for work, so I could have a bit of a nap. This did NOT go down well - he blew up, saying that his sleep was much more important than mine, and that if I did a full time job then I would expect a good nights sleep too. When I tried to explain that DD is just a bad sleeper, and has been for ever, he said he was tired of my "BS" and that I was unreasonable, shouting that we needed to put her in her own room before storming out and slamming the door in my face twice. When I asked if he would help me at night then, seeing as I'd have to get out of bed to soothe her rather than just rollling over, he refused, again saying his job was more important so he needed a good nights sleep.

This made me really mad - I have more than a full time job looking after our DD!! He works from 9am to 5pm - my job requires full-on concentration from 6am when she wakes, till 7pm when she sleeps plus heaven knows how many times during the night... I have been 100% responsible for nighttime wakings since she was born (partially my fault, I know), but I don't think its unreasonable for him to help out in the mornings on days when I really need it! From what I hear, he is the ONLY dad in our NCT group who does not help at night at all - I thought he'd appreciate all the sleep I had been giving him but apparently not! What do you all think? Do we need to go back to our old sleeping arrangements? Should I move DD into her own room and just suck it up? AIBU or is he?

YANBU but tempers flare easily when everyone is feeling sleep deprived. he should help out but I also agree with him that it's time to put her in her own room. Co-sleeping can be lovely but I think everyone could end up getting better sleep that way. He should sign on to help with the transition, for sure, but it may prove easier than you think ... (hopefully!)

I think you need to put her in her own room, and I say that because we coslept until 11 months and then it started making her sleep worse. But i also think that if you transition her to her room, you two need to take turns with wakeups.

His sleep isn't any more important than yours. And why does your day finish at 7 and his at 5? Does he not split the childcare once he gets home? Because your working days should be of equal length.

If he thinks that his sleep is more important, refuses to help at night and it's been 16 months, he's not going to just see the light now. He has an invested interest in being a fuckwit maintaining the status quo. You need a serious talk, and some boundaries, and some agreement going forward about roles, and you need to think about what you are and aren't prepared to put up with. Because make no mistake, if he feels he has nothing to lose by maintaining his position, he won't concede it just because it's unfair.

I think if you're a SAHM and he's out at work, especially driving to work, then you should probably do the majority of the night waking.

What if he handles any waking up by DD before he goes to bed - giving you the chance to sleep/relax in the evening? After you've both gone to bed, you're on call. He does breakfast and gets her dressed in the morning.

And I'd put her in her own room. She'll have a bit more space to spread out in bed and she may sleep better.

She does need to go into her own room, I'm afraid. Co-sleeping is never conducive to a good night's sleep for any of you. Bad night's sleep invariably end in frayed tempers and hurtful things being said (I threatened to leave DH when DS was going through a phase of getting up at 4.45 every morning for 3 weeks )

I disagree that as a SAHM the onus is solely on you to provide nightcare. Looking after a baby for over twelve hours when you are exhausted can leave you feeling wrecked. I hate to ask the obvious but are you napping when she is napping during the day?

I thought that because I didn't have to drive that I should do all the night stuff.

But once a baby is mobile you need to be continuously alert and many people don't have to drive to work. I didn't when DD was tiny.

DH is lucky in that he has a fairly calm place to go to every day, can work at pretty much his own pace and has a lunch break. Not everyone's job is like that true, but imagine if your boss behaved like a toddler can all day!

In fact mine has just tried to bite my leg because I won't stop doing this and let him at my nipple

Cupcakes, I disagree, Kittycat's DD does not need to be in her own room. It's a question of what works best for the whole family. Co-sleeping works fine for many families. You make a huge assumption to say that it is not conducive to sleep.

Clearly Kittycat's DH has a POV. However, if separate rooms is his preference then he needs to be prepared to help with the night wakings which will be much more onerous than in a co-sleeping situation.

Kittycat - as an alternative, is there room for you to put up a temporary bed in your DD's room so that you can sleep in there on 'bad' nights?

cupcakesandbunting- I think it's a generalisation to say that co-sleeping is never conducive to a good night's sleep. We co-sleep with both our children (2.5y and 3 months) and it works very well for us.

However, if co-sleeping isn't working out for the OP then I agree she should assess the situation and consider moving her DD into her own room. My DH doesn't always sleep with us, especially if he's got a heavy day at work the following day or a very early flight. He just uses his common sense and does what's best at the time.

As for doing his share of night wakings, it really depends on the situation. I agree that the person doing the full-time job really does need to have a decent sleep so they can perform well the following day (especially if driving is involved). DH often takes DS2 in the evening so I get an early night with DS1 and then brings him into me when he comes to bed. He does his share at the weekends though and also if things are heavy going during the week due to illness etc.

Co-sleeping is a great thing, but doesn't work for everyone and works for some people for longer than others. We've found it reduces night wakings, but that's not the case for everyone.

hi, i can totally relate to how u are feeling, my DD did not sleep thru the nite till afta 13 months b4 this i was in and out of her room 2-3 times a nite, my DP has same attitute as yours he works full time i dont he needs more sleep his job is more important he wud then even try to guilt me that he has to commute and if he dies driving it will be bcos of lack of sleep bla bla bla, we worked out that he wud get up with her up till 12 and anytime afta that i wud.

anyway couple of questions do u still feed her milk during nite?

have u ever tried putting her in her own cot?

i really recommend u do it will at this age take a while for her to adjust but you shud try the nite separation technique it is hard bbut at the same time u are in the room with tthem till they settle and they know u are not far away the more u feed, settle her yourself when she wakes up the worse she will be as she will never learn to sooth herself back to sleep, my DD now 17 months can be put in her cot at 7ish wide awake and will send herself to sleep and now sleeps for around 11-12 hours uninterupted it wasnt easy getting to this point but now we are it is bliss and worth all the hard work

My DD is now 9 months old and we've just stopped bringing her into our bed for feeds in the night - which inevitably lead to co-sleeping. I feed in a chair and then put her back into her own cot now and she has gone from 3 or 4 wake-ups per night to 1 or 2 and we've only been doing it for just over a week!

Her own, quiet, dark room with no parental snoring or moving has been just what she (and we) needed.

I would suggest maybe you go to bed early and you DH be in charge of settling your DD until he goes to bed. You take the night shift and then he does breakfast. And try to nap when she does during the day. Make the most of only having 1. I would have loved a daytime nap after the bad nights but I have a 3 year old DS to look after too.

Co-sleeping works if bith parents are happy about it. Your Dh obviously feels pushed out and it may be time to put her in her own room. The who knows best programme on sleep training was interesting. Mainly because both methods worked! It will be short term pain for long term gain. Could you temporarly have a bed made up on the floor of her room so that when she wakes in the night, you are there but don't have to get out of bed? Could your DH do more at weekends so you get a lie in then?

My suggestion is that you have a serious talk with DH but focus it around appropriate ways to communicate. Shouting and swearing at you, however upset he was, is not acceptable in an adult, equal, co-supportive relationship. Once you've agreed a way forward on this you can address your co-parenting, what it means to both of you, and each of your rights and needs.

The best description I heard of family life is that it's like a business that you're both contributing to. Each of you puts in the different things that are required to keep the family afloat, each of you has a right to take out what you need (whether it be money, rest, equipment, etc). When you look at it like this, you can get beyond the 'but i earn the money so it's mine/you're at home all day and that's not real work so you don't need sleep' emotive stuff that tends to block genuine discussion.

I would also add, that if he thinks looking after a 16mo is an easy job that you should agree an experiment to swap tasks/lives for 2 days (including an overnight), so you go off to do some work-related training and sleep in the spare room, for example, and he care for your child plus complete the other tasks you have to do in the home, without any more help than each of you normally receive. You will then have more of an insight into each other's lives.

It sounds like it is important to your DH to get her sleep trained in her own bed. Would you consider giving it a try?

It would be good of him to agree to "share the load" of the "sleepless" stuff that occurs whilst you are doing this, particularly as its him that is pushing the issue at this time.

And its a bit rough to think his sleep is more important than yours - you have to be on the ball as well, and when they start doing challenging behaviours "terrible twos" type stuff, you need to be patient as well. Sometimes it takes a lot of patience not to lash out when you get that flash of anger when you've been headbutted, or if a toddler has been deliberately destructive, or not to break down in tears in the supermarket because they are tantrumming, etc. Long term sleep deprivation can lead to depression, being on anti depressants etc (not saying that depression is simply sleep deprivation by the way) which is a health issue so your DH should give more of a shit about how much sleep you get.

You need to work together on this one.

I think it really depends on a number of things. For example if you both really want your DD to sleep all night in her own bed and you are prepared to do whatever it takes then yes your sleep is just as important.

If you have different views eg you want co-sleeping (and don't mind night waking) but he doesn't then I think his sleep is more important esp as he has a job, and you just have to sleep in the bed you made (pun intended!).

If you do want her to sleep all night in her own cot, then you need to sit down with him and discuss how you are going to achieve this - perhaps start on a friday night so on the first two worst nights he can help as he doesn't have work the next day? And maybe get some help during the day on the monday and tuesday so you can have a sleep during the day.

I am very different person to you in that I really value my sleep and have done sleep training etc several times. DH has always helped.

"Cupcakes, I disagree, Kittycat's DD does not need to be in her own room"

She clearly does if no-one is getting any sleep does to her being in the room. I'm sure it does work very well for some but it doesn't for others.

Will get tarred and feathered for this but IMO 16 months is a touch old for her not tobe in her own room. IME, DC's who sleep in the parent's room for a prolonged period are reluctant to go into their own bed, ever. My friend's 6y/o still crawls into her parent's bed every night at midnight. She co-slept with them until 2. I often wonder how they managed to conceive their second child

Sorry about bad spelling. I blame the Sudafed.

Quietly, I'm guessing.

If you're a SAHM and your partner works full time then you should do the (vast) majority of the night wakings.

That isn't to say that your DP should do nothing or be more supportive (and it doesn't sound as though he is being very supportive) but being a SAHM simply isn't comparable to working full time. Sorry.

And if the decision to co-sleep is yours then as others have pointed out its unfair to expect your DP to suffer because of a decision that you've made.

I thik his comment about you not having a full time job is totally out of oreder. However the suggestion that she now go into her own room is a good on IMO.

Another thought if you feel you are happy to pursue the lion's share of night-time work: most couples i know with kids where one works full time and the other not, have agreed that the full-time parent needs at least one uninterrupted night's sleep a week to stay human. the worker deals with one of the weekend nights completely to give their partner a rest.

Yes he was unreasonable in ranting at you - however if he is anything like me perhaps he is a misery when tired.

However I think you do need to address the fact that you have slept seperately for a long time, and that the co sleeping, whilst hepful in the beginning, has not had a detrimental effect.

I think working FT is not comparable to being a SAHM, sorry,. If you are knackered you can amble around all morning drinking tea and mindlessly watch telly for a bit. Not the same as having to do a full day's work and commute.

You say he doesn't help, but he does, doesn't he? He looks after dd in the mornings so you can have a nap.

Yangymac, how can you say that she should take the opportunity for a nap when it presents itself, but also that she's spoilt for taking the opportunity when it presents itself - i.e., when her husband is up anyway and it's no hassle for him to look after his child?

Frankly, it's crap like "it's the mother's job, men are too short-tempered to deal with night wakings" that allow men to get away with shit like this. It's his child too, women aren't genetically programmed to deal with sleep deprivation any more than men are, if he loves his children he can damn well suck it up and learn some patience. Like women do. Do you generally think that your partner is a less capable and less nice person than you are? Because that's what your post amounts to, if you're saying that he can't put aside his temper to attend to his own child's needs.

I think you need to put your DD in to har own room and hope that after she had had a couple of nights screaming she will settle down.

OP-does she never sleep at all in the day?

I agree that it could be the co sleeping that is actually disturbing her.

Your husband is right that your dd needs to go into her own room.

Our gp told me that teaching my baby to have a decent nights sleep was one of the most important things that I could teach him. And from 12 months up, when they dont need to feed at night, it is time to separate, as you and baby both disturb eachother. Our gp instructed us to put our son in his own cot in his own room, and my HUSBAND should go to him, not me, and comfort him. He should not pick him up, but maybe touch his hand or shoulder through the cot, and just tell him gently to calm down it was time to sleep. The first night was a nightmare (for him - not me) the second a little better, but by the end of the week, or son slept through, and our lives changed!