AIBU to think my sleep is just as important as DH's?

[KittyCatIsGettingFat]

Maybe I am, I don't know... I'm so sleep deprived I can't think straight...

Here's the background - DD (16mo) has never been a good sleeper. Even when she was in my tummy she would kick and wriggle all night long... nothing's changed now that she's out, and the longest stretch she's ever gone is five hours without waking (which seemed like bliss!). Hasn't happened for a while though, with all the teething...

We had a very long labour (56 hours) and a difficult time breastfeeding in the beginning... Our lovely BF counsellor suggested co-sleeping as a way to maximise sleep and that worked well for us. She'd have a lovely feed in the night and fall right back to sleep, and nobody had to get up! Fab! We had a very small bed in our old place, so DH went to sleep in the spare room during work nights to get a proper sleep.

When we moved into a bigger place when DD was 3mo, DH tried to sleep with us again but said he was too disturbed by her wakings. He moved into the spare room (supposedly temporarily) which in a way was a blessing, as he snores so loudly I was sure that was waking DD up... After really bad nights I would take DD in to her Daddy at 6am, and he would give her breakfast and get dressed for work with her, bringing her back to me when he left at 8am. This meant I got a little rest even on the worst nights, which I really appreciated!

Fast forward to 16mo, DD is still sleeping with me and DH is not. We've decided that this is ridiculous so he's been back with us for the past few nights - and I'd thought all was well. DD slept quite badly, waking 6 times last night and took ages getting back to sleep each time. This morning at 06h30 I asked DH if he would mind taking DD for an hour while he gets dressed for work, so I could have a bit of a nap. This did NOT go down well - he blew up, saying that his sleep was much more important than mine, and that if I did a full time job then I would expect a good nights sleep too. When I tried to explain that DD is just a bad sleeper, and has been for ever, he said he was tired of my "BS" and that I was unreasonable, shouting that we needed to put her in her own room before storming out and slamming the door in my face twice. When I asked if he would help me at night then, seeing as I'd have to get out of bed to soothe her rather than just rollling over, he refused, again saying his job was more important so he needed a good nights sleep.

This made me really mad - I have more than a full time job looking after our DD!! He works from 9am to 5pm - my job requires full-on concentration from 6am when she wakes, till 7pm when she sleeps plus heaven knows how many times during the night... I have been 100% responsible for nighttime wakings since she was born (partially my fault, I know), but I don't think its unreasonable for him to help out in the mornings on days when I really need it! From what I hear, he is the ONLY dad in our NCT group who does not help at night at all - I thought he'd appreciate all the sleep I had been giving him but apparently not! What do you all think? Do we need to go back to our old sleeping arrangements? Should I move DD into her own room and just suck it up? AIBU or is he?

I completely sympathise, my eldest was 18mo when she first slept though, and 2 when she slept reliably.
YANBU and his swearing and door slamming is not helpful, but tempers get fraught when you are both sleep deprived.
I think who gets up depends on who copes best with little sleep and how demanding your husbands job is. If you are getting up during the week then he needs to help out at the weekend and during the evenings.
In our house my dh does many miles driving and copes very badly with broken sleep, so I get up in the night and he often sleeps in another room. Friday night and Sat night he is in with us and we get a lie-in each on the weekend. In the evenings dh helps with housework and cooks so that I can rest. We have a new baby now and if I am shattered when dh gets home I go to bed and he looks after the kids and gets dinner sorted.

We have a bedside cot which really helps me, not having to actually get out of bed helps alot. When I night weaned dd it did help I gradually pushed back when I was feeding her until she wasn't getting milk at night, I cuddled and comforted her when she woke instead.

I agree that if your dh is adament that he wants your dd in her own room then he also needs to help out at night, otherwise it may well be that you are getting even less rest and that is just rubbish.

It is really hard but it will get easier eventually. tc

Agree with lots of others - time to put DD in her own room. You should be doing the majority of the night waking. Looking after a baby is NOT harder than going to work (and, yes, I am a SAHM (of two)). He shouldn't have shouted at you, but it's hard to be reasonable when you're knackered. He should help out a bit on Friday and Saturday nights but apart from that you should do it. And if you can't, because she wakes up too much, you need to address that. One toddler needn't be this hard.

A lot of assumption on this thread around co-sleeping. Some babies wake regularly irrespective of whether they co-sleep. Often, it is the parents of regular wakers who resort to co-sleeping for their sanity, not the other way round, as seems to be assumed (ask most co-sleepers and it was not in their pre-birth plans).

If Kittycat's DD continues to wake up as often as she does when in her own bed then Kittycat will be exhausted. Simply telling her to put her DD in a different room is unhelpful.

Her DH's POV is important. Clearly he is upset. But, they need to come to a solution that works for all three of them, not a knee-jerk response to a single argument.

You seem reluctant to do anything to improve the situation. I think your dh has reached the end of his tether. Your entire life is being dominated by your 16 month olds habits and you don't have to continue like this.

you should do the majority of night waking if he goes out of the home to work.

are you still breastfeeding? i am trying to understand why you would need to get up with a 16 mo?

I probably wouldn't pay too much attention to this argument that you have had this morning. Our DS was a rubbish sleeper for a very long time (still not fantastic and he'll be 2 nextr week!) and me and DH would always have our worst arguments when we were sleep-deprived.

I agree that you might want to at least attempt to put your DD in her own room and see what happens. I think an agreement whereby you will deal with her during the night and he will get up with her in the morning for a little while should then help you both to get some sleep.

QS, I wish you'd written that on my sleep thread a week ago. I've been beating myself up about quitting co-sleeping with my DD and that just made me feel a lot better :)

She's 9 months, not a year but has stopped feeding at night. She only wakes for the cuddles now!

bloody hell everybody - DH has only had a couple of sleepless nights and suddenly he's allowed to be a raging selfish bastard because of sleep deprivation? vs 18 months of never sleeping through... I'm slightly less sympathetic. What did he think happened when you had a baby, life went on as normal?

Agree with poster that they have both created thsi situation where he has never had to deal with a sleepless night and thus is outraged at its effects on him. But if you have a family, you have to accept that the days of 8 lovely hours a night are gone gone gone, even if you DO work full time - you just have to learn how to cope like every other bloody dad in the world. It is never only one partner's responsibility to go without sleep, just as it is never only one partner's to change a shitty nappy or comfort a sick child. Of course you negotiate ratios to suit your lifestyles/workstyles but honestly...

Poor you. :(

I also had bad sleepers, and it's just dreadful the things that sleep deprivation can do. It's almost impossible to keep your temper or think things through rationally.

I loved cosleeping with my BF DD, but I also wonder whether it has outlived it's usefulness for you all. Is your DD still breastfed? I found that mine was quite happy to wake up for a BF in the middle of the night over and over again, but when I stopped feeding her, things improved massively. I found it very hard at first, but things very quickly settled down. When I was chatting to DH about it, he admitted that if I gave him beer and sex every time he woke up at night then he would get into the habit of waking up every night! And so DD had got into the habit of having physical comfort and a lovely drink too.

Do you have anyone who can babysit for you? Perhaps it would be better to get out of the house and tackle things from the angle of "this obviously isn't working for us any more, and what can we do to change things?" rather than competing over who needs more sleep. I am very hypocritical here, of course, because DH and I argue over who needs a lie-in more all the time, I think it's the number one arguement for parents with small children. But it really doesn't help.

I suppose that I instinctively gave DH more sleep when our DDs were very little, by the way, partly because he had just started a new job, and I wanted him to make a good impression. I will always remember a work collegue of mine with a newborn who would fall asleep at his desk. :) But I don't think that DH really understood exactly what I had sacrificed for him. :( And I think that the SAHM taking on all the nights and losing all the sleep only really works if you have a good sleeper, or a baby who reliably naps in the day, or is little enough to be immobile. Some babies are easier than others and I don't feel that it's the SAHMs job to wear herself into the ground if she happens to have a more demanding baby, so that the WOH parent doesn't have to shoulder any of the impact of having children.

Acanthus I personally find being at home with babies much harder than going out to work (I'm a teacher) under 2s can be really hard, my first born was exhausting, my second baby so far is much easier, I don't think you can generalise that SAHM is always easier then working outside the home.

"But if you have a family, you have to accept that the days of 8 lovely hours a night are gone gone gone"

I'm afraid I simply disagree with that. I was having 8 lovely hours of sleep a night after the first 9 months of both my babies lives. Barring the times they were ill of course.

Yes, of course you need to accept night wakings and sleep deprivation with young babies - but at 16 months?, no you really do not.

Time to test if putting DD in her own room is worth a try.

Some have said make DH do one weekend night on call. I'd say make him do both nights because, if you can't settle due to having your sleep pattern so disturbed, that chance is gone for another week.
If he has a problem with this, remind him that it's the least he can do considering you're looking after DD so he can go to work.

Argh! Sorry, that was rambling. I'll summerise for you -

Sleep deprivation sucks and you probably both didn't mean half you said when you argued.

It sounds as though cosleeping isn't working for you all any more. Especially if you are BFing - are you BFing?

It's best to tackle a DH with a problem-solution conversation so that you can both discuss potential improvments.

If you have baby that doesn't sleep, you absolutely should not take on the whole burden yourself - your DH is a parent too.

And I hope you can find a way out of this soon, you must be absolutely at the end of your rope. :(

I reckon that although you should probably do the majority of night feeds etc, your DH should help out when you have had a particularly crappy week - or maybe at weekends or something.

Agree that being SAHM is much harder work than working! By a long chalk .

Can I also add that my dd was in our room until she was 2 and when she finally got her own room we expected a battle but she was absolutly fine and never comes in our bed now.

By the way, I never had a nap in the day as a SAHM. My first DD required to be moving (in the car or pushchair) to sleep at all, and by the time I was pregnant with my second DD she had given up a daytime nap completely. I did occasionally fall asleep on the sofa when I pregnant, but DD1 would always notice and wake me up by hitting me over the head with a copy of Monkey Puzzle.

Co-sleeping was the only thing that worked for us. It meant that we got some sleep instead of none. But it isn't working for your family is it?

My DH also thinks that his sleep is more important than mine and TBH I tend to agree.

If I have had a bad night with DD (23mths - terrible sleeper, up at 5am after sporadic wakings) at least I can use the tv to keep DD and DS amused more than usual the following day, let them wreck the house, lurk on a park bench while they play etc... Not quite the same as having to do an actual paid job that he may well lose if mistakes are made or whatever.

However I lie in late at the weekends and often snooze on the sofa while he entertains the DC.

FWIW DH did nothing in the night with DS until DS was born, then we adopted a one each approach. DS however is a brilliant sleeper.

I think YABU a bit but with very good reason. Ditto DH. Perhaps you could at least try putting your DD in her own room for a week or two and see how it goes?

Wimps

Have to admit that trying to work in an office, think straight and not fall asleep in meetings was a bit of a mightmare after months and months of sleep deprivation.

You need to talk! Try and find a way that might work for both of you because different families have to work out different ways of doing things. Going out to work when sleep deprived can be crap and being a SAHM who is sleep deprived can be crap too.

However DO NOT start point scoring about who's sleep is more important or who is the most tired as this will NOT resolve the problem - instead see if there are any answers on this thread that might help.

Is there a issue with co-sleeping?
Is there an issue with moving your DD to her own room?
Is there an issue with who gets up in the night - taking turns, having a routine?
Is there an issue about your 'roles'?

Hello annie! I'm fine thanks. Have moved house now You OK?