AIBU to think my sleep is just as important as DH's?

[KittyCatIsGettingFat]

Maybe I am, I don't know... I'm so sleep deprived I can't think straight...

Here's the background - DD (16mo) has never been a good sleeper. Even when she was in my tummy she would kick and wriggle all night long... nothing's changed now that she's out, and the longest stretch she's ever gone is five hours without waking (which seemed like bliss!). Hasn't happened for a while though, with all the teething...

We had a very long labour (56 hours) and a difficult time breastfeeding in the beginning... Our lovely BF counsellor suggested co-sleeping as a way to maximise sleep and that worked well for us. She'd have a lovely feed in the night and fall right back to sleep, and nobody had to get up! Fab! We had a very small bed in our old place, so DH went to sleep in the spare room during work nights to get a proper sleep.

When we moved into a bigger place when DD was 3mo, DH tried to sleep with us again but said he was too disturbed by her wakings. He moved into the spare room (supposedly temporarily) which in a way was a blessing, as he snores so loudly I was sure that was waking DD up... After really bad nights I would take DD in to her Daddy at 6am, and he would give her breakfast and get dressed for work with her, bringing her back to me when he left at 8am. This meant I got a little rest even on the worst nights, which I really appreciated!

Fast forward to 16mo, DD is still sleeping with me and DH is not. We've decided that this is ridiculous so he's been back with us for the past few nights - and I'd thought all was well. DD slept quite badly, waking 6 times last night and took ages getting back to sleep each time. This morning at 06h30 I asked DH if he would mind taking DD for an hour while he gets dressed for work, so I could have a bit of a nap. This did NOT go down well - he blew up, saying that his sleep was much more important than mine, and that if I did a full time job then I would expect a good nights sleep too. When I tried to explain that DD is just a bad sleeper, and has been for ever, he said he was tired of my "BS" and that I was unreasonable, shouting that we needed to put her in her own room before storming out and slamming the door in my face twice. When I asked if he would help me at night then, seeing as I'd have to get out of bed to soothe her rather than just rollling over, he refused, again saying his job was more important so he needed a good nights sleep.

This made me really mad - I have more than a full time job looking after our DD!! He works from 9am to 5pm - my job requires full-on concentration from 6am when she wakes, till 7pm when she sleeps plus heaven knows how many times during the night... I have been 100% responsible for nighttime wakings since she was born (partially my fault, I know), but I don't think its unreasonable for him to help out in the mornings on days when I really need it! From what I hear, he is the ONLY dad in our NCT group who does not help at night at all - I thought he'd appreciate all the sleep I had been giving him but apparently not! What do you all think? Do we need to go back to our old sleeping arrangements? Should I move DD into her own room and just suck it up? AIBU or is he?

Rather than getting into the whose the most tired competition which is never going to end well.

I would speak to your HV about getting referred to a sleep clinic to try and sort out your DD's night wakings.

My DD (3rd dc) has been a dreadful sleeper and took until 12 months to regularly sleep through and I honestly lost all sense of reason/perspective.

So if I were you I'd try to seek some solutions to the sleep issue and get DD to settle in her own room so your DH can move back into the bedroom.

Being right (or not) isn't going to help your family situation but resolving the issues is.

From your post it looks like your DH snapped because he was tired and is feeling pushed out by your DD. Your relationship with him (and his with you) should be higher priority and you should both be looking at ways to improve it. I think getting your DD into her own room would be a good start. You may need to recruit him as a helper to do this but if it's a step towards him getting his bedroom back then I'm sure he will be willing.

Will do. Back to work is hard to start with. You'll get there!

Yangy, i don't care about your way of doing things, why would it annoy me that he does the radiators? I care about equality, not minutaie.

So if you've convinced yourself that it's fine for your husband to opt out of parenting between designated hours, that's your choice. But don't extrapolate that to the OP being spoilt because, after 16 months of doing every single night wakeup, she sometimes gets to sleep in till 8 when her husband is up anyway and not inconvenienced. Because when I read the mummy martyrs guilt-tripping those of us struggling for equality, I'm reminded of the saying, misery loves company.

And that post is far too harsh, if your husband actually does do night time parenting when you're away, and is happy to share his bed with his children. Sorry. I'm reacting to the idea that it's alright for someone to just say "I'm not good with night wakings" and get away with it, because it's always the fucking man.

I remember the ripping fights between me and DH when DS refused to settle - it took us 2.5 years (yes, years) to get him to sleep through the night, and we never even contemplated co-sleeping.

He was just a very sensitive sleeper, and DH used to try and pull the "I'm working, your not/only PT/the mother" thing on me, until I was a walking zombie, and battling unknowingly with severe depression.

It took me shoving support from MN under DH's nose with co-working through the crying/settling for us to sort it. After 3 months in our current home, and lots of co-operation on both our parts and we finally cracked it.

But working together is key, followed closely by communicating and supporting each other. And definitely playing the "I'm working, you're not" card won't cut it.

I do second/third/nth the advice to try to sleep your DD in her own room.

Good luck, hope it works out ok x

hi

this is an interesting thread! DH works long hours in the office, which means I work long hours looking after our toddler...

I'm not sure whether working outside the home or inside is harder. Certainly being a SAHM with a sick baby who didn't sleep was much tougher than any office job I've had. And I never clocked off. But when I'm sitting in a cafe with a Mummy mate nowadays watching the kids run around and he's having a stressy time in the office then I think I'm having the better time. So I guess it depends and you can't generalise too much.

DS (15 months) is also not a brilliant sleeper. We too ended up co-sleeping and I would b/f through the night, DH often ended up in the spare room too. When DS was around 12 months we decided the time had come to change things and DH spent a week going to DS when he woke, instead of me. Since then DS's sleep has improved a lot and at 15 months he now sometimes does 10 hours at a stretch, and usually at least 6. Not perfect but much better. I still do the night wakings but don't feed. DH will get up early with DS most weekend mornings and give me a lie in. We still have 'who is the most sleep deprived' grumpy conversations sometimes.

Join mine everythingiseverything I'm having the same problem!

DD isn't hungry and will settle without boob eventually but not without a fight. Luckily, DH is onside.

Thread

"I don?t do the radiators or other DIY among other things. He doesn?t do the night wakings except on the rare occasions I am not there. Its pretty simple."

Do the radiators need doing every night like the night waking then?

I don't think we are picking on them, so much, but honestly, the radiators are an every-now-and-then job. The whole point about the night waking is that it's constant and it grinds you down. And it's hardly skilled labour, frankly, so i find it difficult to believe that men - who, after all, run the world - are incapable of it.

I totally agree about it being a privilege to be there for my children at night. I loved those times with my newborn, when I would just hold her for hours and watch for the dawn. It was special and intimate and i still get up for my 21 month old now.

But it's a privilege I want my husband to share, because he's an equal parent. And he agrees.

I have to take issue with the number of comments as to why a 16 month old should be "allowed" to sleep with her parents, or why they "need" to get up with her. She's still only a baby ffs! I remember crying for my mum at age 4 and when she didn't come in the night (she usually did but this was after an attempt at stopping going to me) I was really, genuinely scared that she'd gone and would never be back. I wouldn't put a toddler through that. Yes, do something like gradual retreat, by all means try and get her in her own room, but please don't just leave her

Also completely agree that the husband needs to help out if he wants her in her own room. It might not be as bad as you think, ds goes in his own bed fine now and we co slept until he was two. There are lots of gentle retreat type plans you can try.

My DH never helped me with night feeds, even with DTs, who were bottle fed from about day three. I was up a ridiculous amount of times in the night with them for first few months. However we did have DS1 who was nearly two when they were born, and he would get up for him if he cried in the night, while I was busy with DTs. But that was only if he heard him...

He also DID do the 10pm feed, meaning I went to bed at 8pm a lot of the time, knowing I could sleep until maybe 1am before getting up for the first time.

Now our children are older, it is most often me that gets up if one of them wakes up (usually at least one of them will wake, at least once each night, and there are three DCs). But that's only as I normally wake up first as I am a lighter sleeper.

DH gets up at 6am every day for work and leaves home at 6:30am, and is often not back until nearly 7pm. I am jealous of his hour on the train twice a day where he always gets to sit down in relative "peace", but he is jealous that I don't have to get up at 6am every single weekday without fail.

I think when DS1 was a baby, because he was breast fed, I would always always get up, and DH never would. It sort of started a pattern as he presumed he couldn't help as he obviously couldn't do the feed.

He does think his sleep is more important than mine during the week, but he does also sometimes send me back to bed on a weekend afternoon if I am shattered, or he takes the three DC out for an hour or so on his own to give me some time out. Plus we take it in turns every weekend to have a PROPER lie in. So on Saturdays I don't get up until 9am, and the same goes for him on Sundays.

All this really helps, although obviously the situation is v different to yours as you are up constantly in the night, and your DH never is, and it has been a looooong time. For us it was only really like this for first six months of DTs lives.

Sorry have not read all posts, but I know a lot of people have suggested putting DD in her own room. It surely can't make things worse, I know it is further to go to her, but she may sleep for longer spells. All our DCs slept in their own cots in own room from the beginning, but with me sleeping in there as well on the floor most of the time! At least it meant DH got more sleep and so was not as grumpy as me, if we are both sleep deprived our house is not much fun!

Hi everyone

Thanks for your advice! I'm much calmer now after a little nap with DD this morning... thank goodness she still has one a day! I think I'd be a total wreck without the occasional daytime cuddle...

It seems the general consensus is DD in her own room - which I knew was the case, but didn't want to admit .... we ARE still BF at night, which is why the co-sleeping was working for me - just roll over, give her some boob, and its done! I like the idea of DH helping more for the first few nights while we move her, and wean her off the night BF at the same time, after which I'll take over - and it certainly can't hurt to try! I guess Friday night will be an interesting one... wish us luck!

Sounds like a good plan. :)

I don't know if this would work for you, but we always started this kind of new routine on a Thursday night. It should be too bad for your DH to suck up one day of work after no sleep, and then you have four nights to crack the sleep thing before it's Monday morning (not our best time!).

I hated doing anything like this, by the way, but I found that after the initial stress that my DDs were much happier in the day too. I think that they were tired from a broken night's sleep too. (need a wry :) emoticon here).

hey kitty i do reccomend that u shud try to cut the nite feeding down, how many times is she waking to be fed? while she is till using the breast to fall asleep with whether u put her in her own room or not she will more than likely still wake numerous times a nite :( ime anyway