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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be thinking of making up an excuse to not go to a wedding?

60 replies

washbasin · 11/09/2010 19:03

We have been invited to a wedding in november to which I have said we will all go to, that's me, dh, and the two dc's age 3 & 1. It is a wedding of a good old friend of mine who I now see about 3 or 4 times a year, I'd like to go but I also wouldn't be devastated if I didn't go either. The problem is that it is abroad, not too far but would involve either a plane trip or the ferry. Then petrol to get to the venue plus at least 2nd nights, prob 3 in a hotel for us all. Plus meals etc. So I reckon it will at least be £ 600 before we even think about wedding clothes & the present. We just can't afford that! On one hand it would be good to go but on the other hand it's so costly plus we would prob need to leave early ish as we will have the kids and they won't last beyond 10pm ish.

I am in a total dilemma. I know my friend would like me to be there but we aren't ultimate best friends or anything, although other close friends of mine will be going too, but they don't have kids! Its not an option to leave the kids at home. So we are thinking of coming up with an excuse to not go. Is that really bad? Can't think of one in advance so I was going to make something up at the time, do you think we should come up with an excuse and if so what could we say? I don't think we could say we can't afford it cos we could at a push, its just so much money at nearly xmas time and I prob wouldn't even see my mate much cos I'd be running after the kids all day then taking them back to the hotel early!

help!

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 11/09/2010 19:05

I think you should tell her now rather than wait.

If you wait then she can't invite others in your place and she'll have forked out for catering for wasted places.

That'll piss her off.

expatinscotland · 11/09/2010 19:05

You can't afford it. That's enough of an excuse. 'Sorry, we won't be able to make it.'

tellnoone · 11/09/2010 19:05

Don't go. It is a lot of money before christmas.

verytellytubby · 11/09/2010 19:06

Could you not go on your own and leave your DH at home with the kids?

expatinscotland · 11/09/2010 19:06

I agree with Hecate. Tell her now. 'We've worked out our budget and we won't be able to come along due to financial constraints.'

traceybath · 11/09/2010 19:06

Decline the invite but do it now.

You don't really need to give a reason if you send a card/note.

If friend asks - just make something up - prior engagement/mum's birthday/whatever.

I think with weddings abroad the bride and groom are going to get a higher than usual number of refusals and if they're sensible they'll have factored that in to their plans.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 11/09/2010 19:08

I would be honest and just say that you're really sorry but that you can't afford to travel abroad for the wedding so close to Christmas. I'd also do this as soon as possible so they can offer your spaces to another guest.

Could another option be that you could attend on your own? If she's an old friend of yours (rather than yours and DH) and you're going to see lots of old friends, then maybe a couple of nights without the kids might be fun.

If you don't go, definitely send them a lovely gift and card.

nomedoit · 11/09/2010 19:10

Why can't you go on your own?

LouMacca · 11/09/2010 19:14

Who wants to go to a wedding on their own?

I wouldn't make up an excuse I'd just be honest with her, you can't afford to go. As PCH said make sure you send a lovely gift and card. I'm sure your friend will understand.

DetectivePotato · 11/09/2010 19:14

Telling her that you cannot afford it is a valid reason to not go. I wouldn't want to pay this much for any wedding, let alone someone I see a few times a year.

Don't wait when you know you don't want to go. Tell her now that you really can't afford it and it is a lot of hassle and effort right before xmas, especially when you have 2 young children.

If she is any sort of friend, then she will understand. I hate this thing of weddings abroad where people feel obligated to go and pay silly amounts of money, money that could actually afford a small holiday!

zipzap · 11/09/2010 22:07

DOn't even think you should link it in to Christmas - just 'it's too expensive for us at the moment now we have had all the details and have been able to work out our budget. We're really upset but look forward to catching up with you and the groom when you're back in the UK'

If you bring xmas into it they might interpret it as though you might have come if it had been a different time of year and as such you are prioritising kids and a few presents over their wedding.

whereas if you just say it is too expensive, you wouldn't have been able to make it at any time of the year and therefore you are not prioritising anything over it IYSWIM...

It's tricky that you have already said yes - was this before you knew the details and just got carried away assuming that she is a good friend so of course you would want to be there.

But as the others have said, better to say now in case there are others that she can invite or so she is not paying for meals etc that won't be eaten.

Just13moreyearstogo · 11/09/2010 22:10

I would have absolutely no problem going to a wedding on my own, seeing old friends, having a bit of time off from childcare if DH were willing to look after the kids. I think that's a really viable option if you actually want to go to this friend's wedding. If she's someone you're going to stay in long-term contact with it would be nice if you'd been at her wedding.

Original poster

washbasin · 11/09/2010 22:11

I have thought about going on my own but I am still BFing DS2 twice a day and at least once a night, I know he could get by really without it though. DH has said he feels he can't look after the DC's for what would be at least 3 full days, think he is freaking out that DS2 will be screaming for my boobs plus he is really quite unconfident at looking after them for one whole day never mind 3 days. His mum and sisters could probably help but when I said to him that I could maybe go to the wedding myself he said he isn't prepared to have the boys himself all that time. I said I'd be fine if I had to have them for that long and his response was 'but you're their mother, you know what to do naturally!' We will just have a major argument if I keep asking and TBH I wouldn't relax being away from my babies for so long, I'd miss them and I would be a bit concerned about not being able to feed DS2.

So the options are we all go or we all don't go. I keep thinking it will cost so much money and I will probably only see my friend who is getting married for half an hour tops that whole day given she will be going round all the guests etc. But I'll feel so guilty if I don't go. I know my other mates who are going will just say to come on my own but there's no way DH will go along with that now. Argh. Even if I go on my own it will cost about £300.

OP posts:

Clayhead · 11/09/2010 22:14

I wouldn't go for all the reasons you have explained but I wouldn't let my dh claim not to be able to look after his kids either...

Original poster

washbasin · 11/09/2010 22:15

Zipzap- yes we said we were going ages ago when we knew it was all happening but it's only now I have seriously started looking into prices of transport and accomodation. I think she (the bride) would actually be quite understanding,it's more my other mates who I think will give me a hard time like I'm letting her down or something. But they don't have kids and a massive mortgage / food bills / nursery fees etc!!!

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 11/09/2010 22:16

I would just say you're sorry but you can't make it - don't say you can't afford it. It sounds guilty-trippy. Your DH does sound slightly pathetic but that's a side issue really

Minxie1977 · 11/09/2010 22:18

There's no way DH'll go along with it? FFS they're his children too. If you want a few nights away for a friend's wedding I think he should cope. If you can't bear to leave them that's your choice but I'd go, ALONE and have a bloody great time (freudian caps lock there!!)

didldidi · 11/09/2010 22:19

you've got two months to wean him off the boob.

Original poster

washbasin · 11/09/2010 22:20

Clayhead- I know, DH pisses me off when he says this, he always seems scared if I go out for the night in case the kids do something like are ill or cry loads . He is totally stubborn though so I know he wont back down on this and it will just cause a big argument if I challenge him on it. He looks after them a day a week when I'm working so it's not like he isn't used to having them on his own.

I think he is worried as last time I went out for a night DS1 was really quite ill and projectile vomited all over the entire house and DH panicked about it, he ended up coping with it really well though but despite that he still seems worried if something similar happens while i am essentially in another country.

OP posts:

ravenAK · 11/09/2010 22:22

I'd be honest - you can't afford it for all of you, & you can't leave ds2 because of the bf'ing. But tell her promptly so she can invite someone else!

OTOH, I'd be at dh not being able to cope with the boys if you went alone. If you don't really fancy leaving them, OK, probably not worth having that argument. But you could go, & have a blast.

Also, all parents IMO should be able to do 3 days without their OH: dh had an emergency open appendectomy last weekend, was in hospital until Thursday & is pretty much bedridden now. That could be you tomorrow, iykwim? Your dh should be able to cope alone, just in case.

LadyBiscuit · 11/09/2010 22:24

Oh FFS how does he think you cope when it happens to you? I may have a vagina but that doesn't give me a god-given gift to know what to do when my child is projectile vomiting for the first time. I make it up as I go along. He's a grown up. Tell him to start behaving like one.

Oh god I'd be so tempted to go on my own and have a blast

Minxie1977 · 11/09/2010 22:25

But it sounds like he can cope alone.... just doesn't want to, which doesn't sit right in my book! Of course my book and OP's may be different.

expatinscotland · 11/09/2010 22:39

It's a wedding, not the funeral of an immediate family member.

It costs too much to go.

Tell her now.

chandellina · 11/09/2010 22:42

YABU. you say you actually could afford it at a push. unless you really don't give a toss about this friend, you should make the effort to go.

expatinscotland · 11/09/2010 22:45

It's a fucking wedding. When people chose to get married abroad, they can't expect people to put aside other financial commitments, especially around Christmas.

Just say no.

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