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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit undervalued on a Friday

18 replies

specialmagiclady · 10/09/2010 21:57

My DH works in London while I hold down the fort in A Provincial City some 2 hours away.

On a Friday, he sometimes manages to be home by 7-ish. He works all the way home on the train to be able to. I really love that he does that.

But mostly he doesn't come home until 10ish - I'm still waiting for him now. Often he may be able to get in by, say 8 or 9 but it would be much more expensive to travel between 5 and 7.30 so he just waits til 7.30 to come home.

It's as if he'll make an extra effort to come home and see the kids but not for me. I have to be at work at 8am tomorrow so would really like to go to bed but can't because I want to see him.

Am feeling quite resentful. AIBU?

OP posts:

QueenSconetta · 10/09/2010 21:59

I don't think YABU but its sounds like that's the way it is. Vent away, you will feel better, x.

HumphreyCobbler · 10/09/2010 22:00

Can you not ask him to come home earlier? I think you are not unreasonable to want to see him, especially if you are on your own for the rest of the week. I would really need to see my DH too by then.

Do you work all weekend? Are you working in the week and doing all child stuff too? That is hard work to do alone.

Original poster

specialmagiclady · 10/09/2010 22:02

I only work Saturday morning and to be honest it works well for me as I get away from the house and kids for a bit. I also work the odd half day in the week but not huge quantities. Work feels like a break from the kids stuff but I am short on backup if the kids are ill.

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thisisyesterday · 10/09/2010 22:02

do you need to be careful with the money? i mean, is it a lot less expensive to travel after 7.30?

if the money isn't an issue then i think you should just ask him if he would come home earlier

Original poster

specialmagiclady · 10/09/2010 22:05

I'm not sure what the amounts are, actually. I wonder what I'm worth....?

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SandStorm · 10/09/2010 22:08

You say you feel undervalued on a Friday, but how does he feel on a Saturday when, having spent all week away from home and you, the first thing you do is go out to work and leave him with the children.

I'll happily be corrected if you need the money but if not maybe you need to think about his feelings too?

Original poster

specialmagiclady · 10/09/2010 22:14

Two reactions to this Sandstorm. Firstly is that it's a good point. We've talked about it a bit and mostly we just say that it works quite well for us as "we see each other on Friday night, then the kids get him on Saturday morning and at lunchtime on Saturday we come together with stories to tell and the kids and I don't fight for his attention". But if we don't get Friday night then that kind of goes out of the window.

The other reaction is: FFS, they're HIS children. He's not looking after them "for me". He's getting the chance to do stuff with them that he doesn't get to do during the week, like dress them, take them to football, read them stories, play with them.

So there you have the brain answer and the heart answer!

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SandStorm · 10/09/2010 22:21

Well, if you've both thought about it and talked about it (which is the important thing) then yes, that puts a different spin on it. How much is the price difference between the different train times?

Oh, and I wasn't for one minute suggesting he was 'looking after them for you' - sorry if it came across like that.

QuizteamBleakley · 10/09/2010 22:27

SML - I work for a train company (I know, I know - it's a huge privilege) and can help you out with some costings because if, as your post reads,DH is travelling frequently it's almost certainly worth him getting a season ticket.

If that is the case, then the peak & off-peak thing is out of the window - it does NOT exist! Happy to help with validities / times etc. If you don't want to disclose where you are, just let me know which train co he uses - I'll do the rest.

Original poster

specialmagiclady · 11/09/2010 06:40

Oh QTB you are great! I love mumsnet! He only weekly commutes so I don't think the season ticket makes any difference. But just in case it does, it's Bristol.

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RedHeels · 11/09/2010 12:17

A journey from London to Bristol after 5pm is about 80 quid and after 7.30 it's roughly 20 quid - have a look on trainline.com. If he travels 5 days a week, then definitely it's worth looking into a season ticket. They seem like a lot of money in one go but in the long run they often are mush cheaper.

RedHeels · 11/09/2010 12:17

much not mush...

Original poster

specialmagiclady · 11/09/2010 14:07

He only goes up on a Monday and comes back on a Friday though. Which is why I like it so much that he comes home early on a Friday - I haven't seen him since 0600 on Monday!

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RedHeels · 11/09/2010 15:12

Sorry, get it now! Boo, that's not good. Since he stays in London all week, can't he talk to his boss about leaving earlier on Friday, i.e. after half a day so it is before the rush hour? He could say he still will do his work on the train or will make up for it by staying an hour longer from Monday till Thursday? Another option is to buy his return ticket in advance, as it can be a lot cheaper but I guess it might be difficult to know what time each week he can leave, if there's a lot of work to be done, etc.

llbeanj · 11/09/2010 17:36

there are ways of making the train ticket cheaper. i think if he gets a train that stops at didcot then a london to didcot ticket plus a didcot to bristol ticket is closer to £40 than £80. i think there is a train website somewhere that people do lots of these things.

saturdaygirl · 11/09/2010 20:31

i think your son is a genious, he should be allowed to do whatever he likes.
you are the one being unreasonable and very selfish, just leave him be. :)

mumbar · 11/09/2010 20:58

YANBU to feel like like that. Perhaps a compromise would be you carry on working and he gets the more expensive train with the extra income or he gets the cheaper one and you don't work.

Then again I bet after being 'sole carer' during the week work is your wind down time/ escape?? Could DH get the later train Friday and you have a treat Saturday mornings, haircut, manicure, massage etc whilst he gets the quality time with the children?

Of course it all depends on finances but I don't expect you disclose that on here.

Original poster

specialmagiclady · 13/09/2010 12:58

Saturday girl, I think you may have misposted - or are you my son in disguise? In which case your spelling is getting better!

Mumbar you're absolutely right, work is my escape on a Saturday morning, plus I've only just retrained so I'd like to keep doing that time until the kids are in school and I can get my hours up in the week.

I was thinking exactly that about the expensive train. I basically earn the difference on Saturday! It's more of an investment in my future than a real money earner!

Anyway, bless him, he's working from home this week 'til Wednesday so he's completely forgiven!

THanks for all your support when I was feeling blue on Friday night!

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