Not wanting my mum to move in for first 10 days after birth?

[Alpinechildcare]

I'm only 20ish weeks and she just rang me to say talk about the arrangements for after the birth. She thinks she is staying for the first ten days to help me recover, which at first didn't sound to bad, until she explained what this would entail.

In her words she is planning to help by: "getting up during the night to bring baby to me to be fed when it crys, then changing and re-settling him/her. She'll also do all the nappies, changing of clothes and settling during the day so I can rest" Then she said that because she'll be the one getting up in the night and so will be the tired one, would we consider sleeping on the sofa bed so she can have the bed in our room because she can't sleep on sofa beds.

I am still in shock! what exactly does she think I'll be doing all the time? the washing and cooking of meals I suppose? and I kind of thought that my husband would be the one who would do all the non-feeding things like nappies and changing of clothes so he gets a chance to bond as well.

Just to clarify we do have a lovely relationship, and although she has always been quite controlling, I can manage it very easily, but this is another level, and truly stunning, even for her.

I literally didn't know what to say, so said, thank you for thinking of us, but it's early days yet don't you think, and then made up a pretend visitor just to get off the phone so I could calm down.

What on earth do I say to her? It seems far to early to start a row about whether or not she stays now.

Just tell her you don't want any over night visitors that early after having a baby!
But if she really wants to help she can bring round dinner or lunch a few days a week and look after baby whilst you eat/shower/sleep for a while.

I am shocked for you TBH, YANBU

I think being very firm and saying 'Thank you for the offer mum but no we won't need you to come and stay after the baby is born.' Make sure you use the word 'no' in whatever phrase you utter . But think of what she can do and when she can visit - i.e. once DH goes back to work it would be great if you could occasionally cook us a meal / come round for a visit when I need a sleep / accompany me to the shops etc. If she is controlling you need to be very clear and present a united front with DH so he supports you - I'm sure you know this. My MIL is exactly the same and needs firm boundaries

omg - Grannyzilla. She's obvously been planning and dreaming of this since you first eyed up a boy in the playground.

I think you handled it with great presence of mind. I might have had to invent an earthquake or something.

Now you will need to have a think about what you DO want her to do and then persuade her to do it. At least she has given you 20 weeks' warning, and she is clearly prepared to put in some work for you.

With any luck the fact you won't give up your bed for her will cut down her stay.

Haha, I read this thinking "what a brilliant offer" until I got to the bit about swapping beds! Agree you need to be firm while leaving the door open for help that will actually be helpful - cooking , cleaning, being "on duty" while you and DH nap/take a bath, blah blah.

YANBU!!

I have a similiar situation - except no offer of help - just being told about the (live-in) visit: we must buy a bigger house with a spare room for her - she will not be sleeping on a blow-up mattress in the lounge room.

I told her there are plenty of hotels/B&Bs in the area - and no one will be staying with us.

To the point?

:)

I think you need to be very clear that you don't want her to stay overnight. If you attempt some kind of compromise then she'll be there, trying to take over in the middle of the night when your brain is mush and you have no resistance.

And be clear that you and dh will be doing the baby things, but you'd love her help with the cooking/cleaning. To free you to do the baby things which she won't be doing.

Don't fall into the trap of getting on with the housework while someone else gets to sit cuddling your newborn!

She's being bonkers.
Be clear and direct with her. Tell her it is early days but as far as you and your DH envisage it, the early dyas (and nights) are when you will want to bind together as a new family, get used to your baby together, and that your DH will have paternity leave and you would like him to use it to enjoy learning to look after your baby alongside you.

Tell her you will obviously want her to see the baby asap, and be most grateful for household and cooking help and since you will not be shifting from your bed, (because you, DH and newborn babe cannot all fit in sofa, nor wish to, and anyway she won't need to bring the baby to you, because s/he will be right next to you in a moses basket) it might be best if she can make day trips. Does she live far away?

She seems to be basing her plan on a very outdated idea of how you will live with a newborn, and maximum need to establish that MIL trumps Father in relationship to a new baby.

I'm so glad I'm not alone, I'm not even pregnant and my mum has already told me that we should really wait until she retires next year so that she can come and stay for two weeks, like my nana did when I was born, so that all I have to do is feed and sleep.

I told OH who is helping me think up ways to talk her out of it, it's not like she even lives nearby, she lives over 150 miles away, across a stretch of water so it's not like she could even just come for a few hours and go home again.

Think we'll stick to the OH will have paternity leave/why don't you come down when we're a bit more settled/we want some family bonding time argument as she can't really argue with that one!

Surely your DH will have paternity leave? This is a precious time when you get to bond as a family and it goes so quickly.

I think asking for some meals, some help with washing and shopping etc, but that's all.

Anything more (like anyone staying at all in those weeks) is intrusive and a bit weird and so not about 'helping'.

The thing is, Toriajayne, you may actually want her to be there! I had really bad mastitis and was so glad my mum was there to help me.

My mum wanted to do this when I had my 2nd.

They were not quite 2yrs apart & since neither she or MIL had experience of this, then everyone thought it would be impossible!

I also didn´t want overnighters!

Parents were only an hour away so possible to come just for a day if I´d needed it.

I just wanted to settle into my own routine-and was also concerned that she would do little but cuddle & I would effectively has a guest who I was looking after.

Just had to tell her I would see how things went.

She wouldn't really be the one getting up in the night, if she is bringing the baby to you to be fed would she...? Considering the baby would normally be in a moses basketcrib next to the bed, it isn't really that much effort to lean over to pick him/her up when it wakes to be fed...!

YADNBU!

The daytime stuff sounds quite nice though, and would probably be quite helpful - just think that the sofa bed thing is a bit much!

Oh & newborns sleep a lot so it´s possible to sleep when they do.

Having someone with you might be counter productive!

alpine YANBU! It sounds like your mum has gone a bit overboard to say the least...and I would def say that truly 'helping' would involve following what you want/need/ask for rather than mapping it all out herself!

However I absolutely disagree with the idea that 'staying at all in those weeks is intrusive and a bit weird'. My mum stayed after my (unplanned) c section, and my dad came up too. I really struggled at the start and so did dp and my parents were amazing, their support was truly wonderful.

My dad actually sat up all night with our incredible non-sleeping baby on his chest, gently humming to him as this really calmed him. This let dp and I get some much needed sleep as dad only woke me if he needed to feed. He still gets tears in his eyes when he talks about it now (old hippy :) )

I actually found the situation completely natural and it really helped. After all there was a time that we would have had the support of our 'tribe' as a matter of course.

It was definitely not weird.

Oooooh nooooooo! She's reliving being mummy except the stretch marks and leaky boobs. To me, that is really weird, although I realise some people might be ok with it.

I think you just need to say that these days men get paternity leave and so your dh will be on hand to help you with all those thing, so no need to put herself out. Just come to visit and be an adoring granny for a few hours. No need to change beds.

Hi again

Thanks for all the posts. It's nice to be reassured that it isn't just me who thinks it's not usual.

The problem is she has never looked after a just new born because me and my 2 brothers were all adopted at about eight weeks. So although she thinks she is the expert at all things baby, she hasn't actually done the new born bonding bit, and doesn't really know what it will involve any more than I do. Also we were typical 70s adoptees, so taken straight away from our mothers and left in nurseries to cry it out to set routines, so by the time she got us we were sleeping through the night and only feeding to a schedule.

This is obviously making me even keener to give my own child the early bonding experience that I didn't get. It also makes me hugely sympathetic to her because it's all about her mourning for the babies she never had really. She wants to play a role in this baby's early days in a way she couldn't do for us. It's terribly sad really. Hence why I'm at a total loss about how to deal with it.

I also obviously have my husband to think about who works for himself and has already arranged to have the whole of Jan and Feb off and is super keen on doing everything bar the breast feeding himself, and was very upset when I told him about her idea.

They live about an hour and a half drive away so I've been thinking about the idea of saying she can visit during the first weeks but only for a fixed period during the day and not stay over. I've also decided to ask her if she wants to come along to our scan next week, to see if that helps her to feel more involved.

Sorry for the massive post. I'm just a bit at sea. I hadn't really thought about what all this early bonding bit really means to me until today, and how hard my being pregnant might actually be for Mum, because she was never able to do it herself.

Ginhag - I think that's so lovely about your Dad. I really do want my parents, and in-laws to have that kind of lovely relationship with our baby. So we'll have to think of a way that they get a chance to do some bonding, just without them staying somehow.

Your last post is so sad. Yes, she is clearly trying to recreate the newborn days that she never had with her own babies.

BUT sad though it is for her, your baby's needs trump hers. I don't think it would be good for any of you if she came and stayed with you. Daytime visits, yes, but not this full on playing at being mother.

In the first instance you could say that you haven't the space for anyone to stay (remind her that she can't sleep in a sofa bed and you are obviously not going to give up your own bed) and that ideas of how to look after a baby have changed a lot since the 1970s so you won't need that kind of help thanks.

If she doesn't back off you will have to be really firm.

Well sad as it is, she can´t use your baby to try to create something she didn´t have.

Also I would have thought that unless she is going to do something useful like cooking/cleaning then she won´t be much help.

The first weeks are knackering, but tbh if you´re going to bfeed, her bringing baby & changing nappies really wouldn´t help much imo.

Another thing, all the changing of nappies and clothes is part of how you bond with your baby. I found all this an unutterable pleasure, and I can see why your mum would like to snaffle these really intimate moments.

However, your baby isn't therapy for your mum. Useful things to do round the house are cooking and cleaning.

As for giving up your bed!!

Daytime visits are the thing.

Ooh, that's more complicated, and sad. I take back what I said about her being an over-baring MIL competing with your DH, it obviously isn't that, but it could so easily unintentionally edge your DH out.

Can you talk to her about this? Ask her how she feels about seeing you going into having the part of being a parent that she missed? I talked to my Mum when I was busy planning to bf, because my Mum didn't manage - to her enduring heartbreak - to bf any of us. She sort of glossed it over, but we did talk a bit.

Can you tactfully explain that it is important that your DH doesn't get edged out? My own Mum told me that yars after i was born, my Dad had told her that when he first visited her and baby me in maternity hospital, he walked in with my grandmother - his MIL, and she had walked ahead and taken me into her arms before my dad got a chance, and he had felt for years that he was expected to be less important, and he was upset. I talked to my Mum about that story when she was ndeed planning to stay with us during DH's paternity leave. Of course she was inwardly upset, but she also understood.

While I'm at it, I had DD in the mid-90s, and I remember my SIL, who had hers in the late 60s speaking most movingly of her envy that I had DD at my bedside all the time I was in hospital.

Back in the day, the mums weren't allowed to have their babies with them . The babies were in a nursery, changed and settled by the nurses and only brought out for feeding - exactly what your mum is proposing.

And this clearly got to my SIL, 32 years later. I felt so sad for her.

I'm a lurker but had to reply to this. My mum flew in from Australia when I had my first DD - stayed for 3 WEEKS with us in a 1 bedroom flat. She told us she was coming when I was 6 months pregnant, and I, though I feared disaster, felt too guilty to tell her not to come.

Well, a disaster it turned out to be. Baby had colic, screaming all night, mother stressing out and insisting DD be taken to hospital, when she had just been to the doctor's that day, causing more stress for DH and I on top of the screaming.

My DH, like yours, is quite hands on and my mother took offence. The ideal situation would have been for DH to sleep on the sofa while she slept with me and helped out with the baby, so she felt mightily upset that she wasn't 'allowed' to change nappies, change clothes, soothe her, etc. Mind you, neither did she make much effort to cook or clean, which would have been really useful.

In short, tell her now, before it's too late and your relationship with her is compromised, as mine is now with my mother.

In hindsight, I should have told her to come when DD was 8 weeks old or so - then, I would have been able to express and leave her to look after the baby while DH and I went out for dinner or something - that would've been handy!

I know it's difficult, but dealing with the fallout of not telling her will be more difficult.

I think asbolutelyfabulous has it spot on when she says "I know it's difficult, but dealing with the fallout of not telling her will be more difficult"

The first couple of weeks after a baby is born are really special and also quite intense. It's really important that you are able to follow your instincts and find your way through on your own.

My MIL was very overbearing during that period and our relationship has never really recovered - and that was with nothing particularly deep or complicated underlying it. I think the potential for upset in the scenario your mum is proposing is quite high.