Not wanting my mum to move in for first 10 days after birth?

[Alpinechildcare]

I'm only 20ish weeks and she just rang me to say talk about the arrangements for after the birth. She thinks she is staying for the first ten days to help me recover, which at first didn't sound to bad, until she explained what this would entail.

In her words she is planning to help by: "getting up during the night to bring baby to me to be fed when it crys, then changing and re-settling him/her. She'll also do all the nappies, changing of clothes and settling during the day so I can rest" Then she said that because she'll be the one getting up in the night and so will be the tired one, would we consider sleeping on the sofa bed so she can have the bed in our room because she can't sleep on sofa beds.

I am still in shock! what exactly does she think I'll be doing all the time? the washing and cooking of meals I suppose? and I kind of thought that my husband would be the one who would do all the non-feeding things like nappies and changing of clothes so he gets a chance to bond as well.

Just to clarify we do have a lovely relationship, and although she has always been quite controlling, I can manage it very easily, but this is another level, and truly stunning, even for her.

I literally didn't know what to say, so said, thank you for thinking of us, but it's early days yet don't you think, and then made up a pretend visitor just to get off the phone so I could calm down.

What on earth do I say to her? It seems far to early to start a row about whether or not she stays now.

Any new developments? Really interested to find out how this ends as I also am in a similar situation. I mean it's similar in a way that my DM wants to help and I'm not sure I need it (probably me being naive!) but I must admit the OP's situation is much more delicate. Good luck with standing up for yourself!

your mum wants to experience the new born bit, but she doesnt realise the impact this will have on you as she never laboured and gave birth to you. If you allow unwanted attention at this time it WILL affect how you bond with your baby, and you WILL resent her for it it for a long time.
My MIL was waiting at the house when i got home from hosp (wasnt expecting her) and she took my daughter from me and placed her in the moses basket and told me to go upstairs to sleep whilst she kept an eye on her. I didnt. She had all the best intentions but i resented it and like you found it hard to day no. To this day (DDis 3) im still angry that she intruded on me partner and I first hours at home with our daughter.
You will feel strongly protective of your baby and want to do things your way, that is your instinct. Your mum means well but wont understand that initial instict.
It is a tricky one as i think she will feel hurt butto be staying over at yours or 10 days post birth is way over the top, so you need to talk to her about it.

Am I the only person who thinks it not at all delicate?! A simple "you are nuts if you think I am going to sleep on a sfa bed for 2 weeks afetr I give brth" should suffice quite nicely. Saying with a smile might help.

Would a compromise more generously in your mother's favour really be so awful? I am not suggesting that the 10 days from the moment of birth, with you kicked out of your bed is the answer, but:

Personally, I would suggest she comes and stays for a long weekend (in the living room - you can worry about bedding nearer the time - really you can) a week or so after the birth. Explain that the baby will be in with you at night but she will get to spend lots of time with it, and it will be a great help to have her there.

So what if she is trying to 're-live' the newborn part that she missed out on? She DID miss out and her grandchild is her only chance to ever experience that. Letting her be around for 3 days won't stop you and DH bonding with the baby, you will get to change 100's of nappies in your time, so you miss a few but make your mum really happy. Yes it's a big ask, but she is your mum and in your shoes, I would love to be able to gift my mum an experience that she will treasure.

And yes, she will probably be over-bearing and a PITA but after the first week, you and DH will be delighted to have someone to walk the baby round and round the living room in the afternoon whilst you take a half hour nap. I know I would have been. And much as you want to be your magical unit of 3 staring at the miracle you have made, you will be knackered and you have your whole lives ahead of you to do that.

So no, I don't think you are BU, but although your mum sounds quite pushy, her heart is in the right place and as long as you limit the number of nights, and your DH is on side, then I actually think you should let her come for a weekend about a week in. You get some rest, DH and you get a bit of time together, everyone's happy.

Oh my goodness that sounds so familiar! My mum announced the same thing when I had my son! She wanted to be there when we came home from hospital and would be staying with us for 2 weeks - she lives in Spain so wanted to fly in for the duration and stay with my H whilst I was in hospital. I told her to wait until we were home and settled but I discovered she had ignored me and booked her flight anyway as "she knew best"!!
I felt totally disregarded and was furious, and told her NOT to come and that me and H needed time to ourselves. I felt very guilty too, but (for possibly the first time in my life!) I stood my ground. It was the BEST thing I could have done. I have no doubt whatsoever she would have pushed my H out of the way, and I'd already decided that if I got one thing right,

it was going to be that I got my H to be a hands on Dad and there's NO WAY she would have let him. She was terribly hurt at the time but it was absolutely the best decision I made. Since then she's moved to live in England and sees us all the time but even now, if our son needs feeding/changing, and my H gets up to do it, she attempts to take over as deep down she doesn't think men should have to do jobs like this!!!! Argh!

You never ever get back that special time with your husband and newborn, don't let anyone encroach on it! There will be plenty of time for your mum to help in later months.

I would hate this.

There is no need at all for her to 'bring you the baby' as the baby really should be in with you at night anyway so you will just be able to pick it up and feed. If my Mum or any other family mamber suggested coming into my bedroom every 2-3 hours while I fed I would be really pissed off and I would say absolutely 'NO'.

I absolutely agree with you that you and your DH/DP should be the ones to do the nappy changes etc. I would hate anyone, even my own mum, coming to stay and doing my housework. urrgghh!

I hope you managed to sort this out with her without falling out.

so, how did the call go OP?

@ Slightlyjaded - I think it is safe to come out now.

I don't think anyone was suggesting being unkind to OP's mother, or completely excluding her.

I suppose I think that, given her apparent lack of boundaries, overnight stays will be difficult, stressful and impractical.

@Alpinechildcare - are you OK? How is your mother?

Hi again

Thought I'd give you an update. I chickened out when I rang and ended up talking about something else. I invited her and my Dad to come with us to the 22 week scan to try and include her. We're going to have lunch beforehand so I'm going to wait for her to bring it up, which she will, and deal with it then. It felt too confrontational to bring it up myself on the phone.

I've decided to say that we would like to try and manage on our own to start with, but that it would be great if she could be primed and ready to come and stay if we feel we aren't coping. I'll also say that of course they can come and see the baby for a day time visit very early on, but that we'll let her know when we are ready for this visit, rather than deciding now how soon that will be in advance, because we have no idea how the birth will be, or how we'll all feel.

The scan, and therefore the chat is on Friday, so I'll let you know what happens.

Could she come and stay when your DH goes back to work after paternity leave?
I found that a really hard time due to cumulative effect of 2 weeks sleep deprivation and it would be lovely to have the company during the daytime then rather than being on your own with the baby.

I think you made the right decision doing it face to face. Telephone conversations can be tricky.

Totally agree with the majority view on here - to make sure you lay it on the line and deal with any fallout now - not when you are exhausted, hormonal and sleep deprived.

One thing worth thinking about is letting her come to see you in hospital (assuming you aren't having a homebirth / get out early) as its easier to control visiting times then due to set visiting times. At home it may be harder to kick her out if she is as persistant and controlling as you describe.

And although you should stand your ground don't totally alienate her. Ds1 was an exhasting feed an hour / sleep an hour baby. Both my mum and mil came to stay after dh went back to work and both stayed in with me at nights to help with ds so that dh could get enough sleep to function at work. And gave me a couple of nights of sleep once I could express (or ds had the odd bottle of formula) so I didn't fall over completely with exhaustion. I will forever be indebted to them both for this. This wasn't foisted on me and dh though - we invited them to stay and when they saw how itwas offered to help and we bit their hands off. If we had declined there would have been no issue.

And in the nicest possible way some of you are being as good as the ops mum at foisting your parenting views on the op with all this 'of course the baby will be in with you' stuff. I know several people who didn't sleep with their newborns (I planned to be one of them but it didn't work out) and if the op is planning this too then the sort of help her mum is offering could definately work (accepting she doesn't want it). Hope those who posted this don't take this in the wrong way - just don't think you should presume peoples parenting choices about stuff like this / bf etc.

Good luck for your scan OP and hope 'The Chat' goes OK...

why would that upset anyone? You would have liked your mother or MIl to stay - OP doesn't and her DH does have paternity leave. If someone had come to stay would you have expecetd to sleep on the soafabed whilst they had your bed? BEcause I wouldn't and I suspect it's indicative of the kind of "help" her mother would provide.

And Alicet - I agree we shouldn;t presume what kind of parenting style OP will have but we are not presuming* that she doesn;t want her mothe to stay for 10 days immediately afetr the birth and get turfed onto the sofabed to boot because she said so!

Several posters advised not cutting off all her options and she may be glad of some help but probably not until her DHgoes abck to work. I don;t see its at all unreasonable to suggest to her mother that it would be more helpful to come when her DH is back at owrk and that she won't be sleeping on the sofabed so DM needs to decide whether to visit for the day or sleep on the sofa bed herself.

Normally I would be all in favour of giving the older generation teh bed and using the sofabed myself but NOT just after giving birth .

YANBU. I would say no. I wish someone had told me to say no before DD was born. I wanted to be nice too. I had my parents from Aus, my 4.5 year old SS and my MIL from Ireland. My mum has parkinsons so not capable of holding a newborn, my SS was needy (understandably feeling weird about new sister, so required OH attention 150% of the time) and my MIL has every ailment under the sun and couldnt help with anything. She complained about her room, her bed, the food, the bathroom, the noise, the light etc It was a total nightmare. I still dont speak to MIL who screamed at me that I was selfish and a bad mother etc when DD was just 10 days old. It wasnt relaxing or helpful in anyway and didnt help anyone with bonding.

Never ever ever ever again.

How did the scan go?

just an idea if she doesn't want to sleep on the sofa bed - my MIL came to stay for 2 weeks so she could look after DD1 when I went into labour, and we didn't fancy her sleeping on the sofa bed for so long, so we got a single bed on freecycle and put it in the baby's room, as we knew the baby would be in with us for the first few weeks anyway.

DD2 is 13 weeks now and we have only just got round to taking the single bed out and putting the cot up, and she still sleeps in with us anyway! The bed was really useful for other visitors too.

Perhaps you could say what a lovely offer but you and DH need to get used to looking after the baby on your own, otherwise how will you cope with getting up at night etc after she's gone?! And tell her what a great cook she is and how lovely it would be if she could cook you lots of food to put in the freezer

My mother came to stay with us for 2 weeks after the birth of both DS1 and DS2 and it went well BUT she was very good about making herself discreet, helping out round the house (kept on asking me 'what can I do') and giving DH and me plenty of baby time. We were upstairs with baby in our room, she was downstairs on the sofabed and would never come upstairs on her own - would always wait to be asked and certainly never at night. I was breastfeeding as well so there wasn't any argument about baby bottles either. She lives far away and that was already a pattern we'd established beforehand. I think she herself had (too) lengthy visits from her own mother when we were children and she's always said she doesn't want to overstay her welcome.

That said I was still dubious about how it would go -- it helped that DS1 was 3 weeks early so by the time she arrived on a pre-booked flight he was 3 days old . And I was annoyed when she admitted to me (well after the fact) that she'd booked her flight date months before she actually asked me whether she could come . And truth be told I was relieved when she left.

I know my mother treasures the memory of this time. In fact it went so well we were happy to repeat the experience for DS2! And having her around with a toddler in the house was a big help. But the 'house limits' are critical. And my mother understood that I wanted to bond with baby and that DH came first.

However I realise we were lucky on this and that it could have gone horribly wrong and clearly for other posters it's affected their long-term relationship as well. I must say for the OP the signals are not good (e.g. wedding planning) so I would advise pushing back, those first days are too precious. And hard as it is you need to be explicit - even with my lovely mother I had to push back at times saying no I want to do this myself. Appreciate the circustances are much more complex for OP but you need to put yourself and husband first.

Thinking about it I realise now that she'd also helped out with my sister's children before me so I think that's what helped establish the rules in the first place so thanks sis. For one of my nephews my mother had a really bad cold so voluntarily delayed her trip by a couple of weeks - so perhaps you can find some kind of a medical excuse? something that's an 'external' reason. Maybe you could also spend an extra day in hospital after the birth? I did - not due to any complications but just wanted the reassurance of the nurses around (still trying to figure out BF at that point) and fortunately the ward was quiet and they were fine with this, and of course partners have extended visiting hours that other visitors don't.

I can see that OP's mum had her for lunch last Friday as she never came back to tell the tale

Hi again

Thought I'd let you know what happened about this. Mum came up for the scan and was very sweet about everything and didn't take over at all. The only tiny incident was when they asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said yes and she said we should keep it a surprise. I just said in a very cheery tone, well pop out side for a minute then and we won't tell you, then she just stayed where she was and looked a bit sulky for a bit, but soon got over it. She also sent a very sweet card later saying thank you for inviting her. The staying over thing didn't come up at all and I didn't mention it, so I'm going to just address it when she next talks about it, but I think it's going to be okay. The fact she sent a card to say thanks for inviting her to the scan, made me think that she has realised that her involvement at every stage is not assumed after all, and that it will be our decision how things happen.
So all in all I was very pleased with how it all went. (plus the scan went well and I now finally have a proper bump, so am feeling very excited)
Thanks for all the advice, and I will post an update here about how long she ends up staying how it goes here for any others who might be in the same boat.

So I think she