Not wanting my mum to move in for first 10 days after birth?

[Alpinechildcare]

I'm only 20ish weeks and she just rang me to say talk about the arrangements for after the birth. She thinks she is staying for the first ten days to help me recover, which at first didn't sound to bad, until she explained what this would entail.

In her words she is planning to help by: "getting up during the night to bring baby to me to be fed when it crys, then changing and re-settling him/her. She'll also do all the nappies, changing of clothes and settling during the day so I can rest" Then she said that because she'll be the one getting up in the night and so will be the tired one, would we consider sleeping on the sofa bed so she can have the bed in our room because she can't sleep on sofa beds.

I am still in shock! what exactly does she think I'll be doing all the time? the washing and cooking of meals I suppose? and I kind of thought that my husband would be the one who would do all the non-feeding things like nappies and changing of clothes so he gets a chance to bond as well.

Just to clarify we do have a lovely relationship, and although she has always been quite controlling, I can manage it very easily, but this is another level, and truly stunning, even for her.

I literally didn't know what to say, so said, thank you for thinking of us, but it's early days yet don't you think, and then made up a pretend visitor just to get off the phone so I could calm down.

What on earth do I say to her? It seems far to early to start a row about whether or not she stays now.

I would be very firm with her from the outset - you want the first month on your own as a couple of new parents getting to know your baby and ajust the changes. Let her come and visit and baby sit, but make sure it is on your terms from teh outset. This sounds harsh, but your first priorities are your child and husband, your mother needs to accept this!!

What bedlambeast said.

I was laughing at your OP, because usually I read these 'what to do about my mum/MIL' posts and feel a bit sorry for the mum/MIL, but your mum's suggestion about you sleeping on the sofabed was just barking..

I read your second post though, and ah, I really feel for her (and you!). What a hard situation for you, when she has all this yearning and emotion invested in those early days she missed. I hope you can find a way to make sure that the postnatal period is what you and DH and your babe need, whilst involving your mum in a (more appropriate) way. I don't have any more advice than that, unfortunately, but I think you are showing sensitivity to your mum's motivations and needs, and hope that your find a solution that works for you all.

Put your foot down and tell her you won't need her to stay.

If she doesn't take the hint tell her you don't want her to stay.

If she carries on, tell you she won't be staying.

I agree that it sounds as though your mother is trying to get as involved as possible right from the start because she didn't get that opportunity herself. What you understand, and she doesn't , is that the help you'll need isn't the baby contact stuff, it's the unglamorous stuff like cooking , shopping , and housework. To this day, my mother resents the fact that her mother stayed to "help" when my brother was born, and my gran spent the whole time baby-dandling while mum ran round after everyone. So, bless her, when I had DD2 my mum did all my ironing and hoovering for me, and made sure she wasn't trying to take over with baby stuff.

Your mum's being unreasonable with the bed situation. Presumably the baby will be sleeping beside you, so you'll just reach across? Plus you will actually be the tired one, because not only will you be up half the night feeding, you'll also be recovering from the birth itself.

I don't think it would be fair to say that your mum can't stay over at all if she lives so far away, but she will have to stay on the sofa bed so that you can get the baby used to settling in the bedroom. (Get a mattress topper for the sofa bed or something?). It would probably be better if she didn't stay over for the first few days at least though, it's really important to you and your DH to have those early days together.

Good idea to invite her along to the scan. that might be the time to tell her how you want things to work after the baby's born. Perhaps explain that your DH will take 2 weeks (or whatever) when the baby's born, but once he goes back to work you'd appreciate her help with household stuff as well as looking after the baby- and while of course you'd love her to help care for the baby, there's no need for her to do everything.

The time when we'd have really appreciated the help was when DD1 had horrible colic, from about 3 to 8 weeks old IIRC, though you might find that if you BF you end up cluster feeding in the afternoons/evenings anyway so nobody can help much.

I completely get where you are coming from as I was also adopted at 2.5.

My mum never had the baby thing either and she was dying to do it from day 1. She was lovely but she is/was quite manipulative and controlling and is used to using emotional blackmail to get her own way.

She lives too close to stay overnight (fortunately) and she did recognise that DH & I would want time to bond with the baby but she just couldn't help herself on occasion.

I felt a bit wierd during my pg as I was sensitive to the fact she hadn't been through that herself, also she hates anyone else knowing me and DBro are adopted so this led to awkward moments in company when someone would ask "oh was missyissy an easy birth" etc. We have always felt we have to not tell people not because we feel funny about being adopted but because she has made it into a big secret so we're never too sure who we are meant to tell. She'd have much preferred it if me and DBro hadn't told our DH/DW about being adopted either! (sorry off topic a bit here).

Anyway, I did have to set some boundaries but she still tried it on occasionally, ie wanting to comfort DD as a newborn saying in a baby voice "It's not fair you get to see to her all the time, let me see if I can stop her crying" etc. It's OK if I've offered, but to be manipulated into not picking up my newborn (and it is manipulation, the unspoken is "because I never had the chance to do it myself" is always present) was a bit of a internal wrestle. Also the same with pushing the pram around, she wants to push pram and gets me to push the shopping trolley/walk next to her looking like a sulky teenager

She's eased off as DD has got bigger but then she gets DD all to herself quite regularly so as long as my eye can't see it my heart can't grieve over it as such. Even my very fair minded DH says it's as though she's DD's mum and we are the babysitters when she's around! She reminds unnecessarily us to put on DD's sunhat/suncream etc, and if we say for example we let DD play with something she doesn't approve of she will say "I never let (DD) play with that when she's at my house because I don't think it's safe" (even when it is, like a wooden spoon closely supervised or some such item).

Sorry for rant, I guess your post has struck a cord because I've been there myself but you don't often speak to people who don't and never have had their birth mums in their lives, others don't quite understand I find. Also we have been brought up to think of it as a secret so it's bad to refer in any way possible that she isn't our birth mother.

Gosh I feel better for getting this out!

Anyway, I would say what others have: tell her kindly but firmly that your DH will be off with you for first two weeks (or whatever it is) and then after that you would love to see her to help (you will probably benefit in some way!) but there's no way in the world you'll be sleeping on a sofa bed, so it's that or nothing or an air bed if she wants to bring one You NEED that first few weeks to bond as a family, having a Mum there might be good for some but if you are feeling edgy about it now you'll only feel edgier at the time. Good luck x

It might not have occurred to her that you will be having the baby in with you if she never had you in with her (you don't say this explicitly but am guessing from your posts...)

So maybe you could take her on a shopping trip to go and get the cot or moses basket and use that as a time to chat as well about how you are planning on having the baby in with you, and how things have changed since you were little.

I think it would also be worth having a chat in general about how she did things in her day, although it sounds like she did not experience the real newborn stuff, if you could include her in a discussion about the early months in general, without focussing on the newborn weeks too much. That gives you a chance to show how much things have changed in general and hopefully that will help her to not focus so much on your newborn bit but on the early months that she did have.

Also try to throw some light-hearted statements in to get point across nicely - things like 'this baby is going to have it's nappy changed so often with everybody wanting to have a go' or 'we'll have to have a reward chart, whoever does the washing up gets to change the baby's nappy as a reward - I'm sure you can think of plenty better but you get the gist.

It might never have occurred to her that your dh would actively want to be doing nappy changes and clothing changes, don't know if your father got involved? Or she might have wanted some help when she first got you and didn't so is determined to 'do right' by you...

Start by inviting her to visit for an hour or two (or day if you're feeling brave) in the first week when your dh is there so she gets to see the baby when it's tiny, but invite her to stay - just for a night or two - when your dh goes back to work after paternity leave - so that she does have something to look forward to, so that she can't say you're shutting her out but you'll be 'utilising her excellent experience when I am at my most tired and feeling alone for first time' - anything so that she thinks she is coming to help you at a time when you need her. But most importantly - when you will be able to cope with her because you will have got into some sort of routine and feel comfortable with the way you do things. COuld you volunteer to pay for her to stay in a local b&b if she doesn't want to stay on the sofa bed?

Good luck - hope the baby and the granny all go well!

PS (sorry! not a long one this time) I would personally avoid taking her to the scan like someone has suggested because I did this with my mum and she pretty much took over the occasion, asking the sonographer questions and behaving as though she was the mum-to-be. It made my teeth grind I tell you.

If there's any possibility of this kind of behaviour from your mum then definitely don't, because it won't be good for your blood pressure .

By the 2nd scan we were telling my mum a later (wrong) time for scans and hospital appointments so we could have it in peace, get home and then answer her calls and texts. She'd got into the habit of phoning incessantly at the time of hospital appointment, eg if appt was 2.00pm she would be phoning and texting at 1.30, 1.40, 1.50 and then 2.05. 2.10 etc asking what was happening and how it was going. I know she was excited but it just felt like she was taking over (also like we were having "her" baby for her ) it just felt oddly intrusive as much as supportive.

oh my god. That would be hell.

Tell her that seeing as you'll have to bring up your child anyway it would probably be better if you just got stuck in!

my mom is coming over from the states for a month after the birth BUT she is staying with friends and at b&b's off and on between staying with us. we have had very frank conversations and although she admits she is really excited and can't wait for first grandchild, she understands that mine and dh bonding comes before hers.
I told her that if she stays with us right after the birth, she is there to take care of us, not the baby, and she is ok with that.
just speak to her and explain that you and oh don't know how you will feel or what you will want in terms of support so maybe its best for her to stay near by but not with you. just be honest about your concerns, my mom really surprised me at how understanding and flexible she was willing to be.

Alpine I'd assumed your mum lived far away (like mine) and was needing to stay over for that reason! Mine stayed first two weeks of DS's life, and DH was close to leaving by the end of that time. Between her taking over/criticising me and DH being grumpy and put out, I did not enjoy what should've been a lovely time. My sister stayed a couple of weeks later and was so much more chilled out and accepting it was my baby, so it can work too!

Kind of second what everyone else has said, but I just have one thing to add.

You have no idea how completely over-sensitive and hormonal you are likely to be in the days following the birth.

My MIL laughed at my nappy tying ability in hospital (square terries that you had to fold) and I cannot tell you how upset I felt. Totally out of proportion because she is actually a very nice woman, who would not have intended to hurt my feelings, and under other circumstances it wouldn't.

My sister attempted to give my bro's GF advice on breast feeding which was also taken badly and coloured their relationship.

I think you need to talk to her now, make her feel wanted and included, but also set firm boundaries and explain to her why. Oh and tell her you love her and are sure the baby will too.

Somebody once told me, or I read somewhere, many years ago, that if people would like to help, let then do the non baby care things. As you and your dp need to bond with the baby. So your mother can do the cleaning up and cooking, and leave you and your dp to feeds, diapers, bathing.

And she will have to take the sofa bed, you will have just had a baby, and need a comfortable bed, and you and your dp need your privacy as well.
Maybe buy a mattress topper for it if it is uncomfortable?
Good luck!

Well as your husband will also be off then I don´t think you´ll need anyone to help with the cooking/cleaning.

Also, well, I don´t know about anyone else, but I didn´t need advice in the first weeks so I don´t think the fact that your mum didn´t have that stage will be an issue.

And you´d maybe do it differently anyway.

I´m wondering if it´s more about her feeling pushed out & the biological bond that you will have with the baby that she doesn´t.

JUST SAY NO

My DM came for three days after DD was born, it was awful. She sat and cudded DD all day, told me off for letting her be hungry if she even squeaked and tried to make us go out so she could babysit. I hated every minute of it and really wish I had spoken up at the time because it has had a negaive effect on our relationship. YANBU

Don't have a row with your mother, but DO tell her firmly and kindly that it was a lovely offer and you're thrilled that she wants to help, but that you and your DH have really been looking forward to doing all that baby-bonding stuff like changing nappies, etc and you'd really love it if she could pop over after the first couple of days and help you with the cooking and running the house as you'll be exhausted.

I think the B&B thing is a good idea too - just explain that the baby will be next to you in a moses basket, that you will definitely need your own bed (especially as there's always the possibility of an unexpected C-Section!) and you understand she can't sleep on the sofabed.

Good luck!

I think that while the reasons your mum is like this are sad and require some sensitive handling, you shouldn't let them colour your responses to her actions too much - you shouldn't give in to more requests than you would if those reasons weren't there.
If you do that you're potentially just passing that sadness on to another generation.

Think of your DH and your relationship!

My MIL came to stay as a "surprise" when my DC was born. I struggled to feed my baby at night while I could hear her snoring away.

I still resent her and my DH for it!

I'm am feeling steeled to be firm having read all these posts. Like your mother Missyissy she has always been controlling, which I know stems from her own upbringing and issues. So I've always tried to empathise and try and placate her, but in the process have often ended up upsetting myself and more recently my husband. Trying to meet her needs totally ruined our wedding for example.

So I've got to put an end to this right away because it's probably the tip of the iceburg and I don't want to start worrying about her, when I should be concentrating on the three of us.

She's not going to take it well however I put it, but I'm not her therapist and she is a grown up. So I just need to get it over with. Calling her now, so wish me luck!

Good luck!

I think the thing here is that your husband will be at home.

Really, what would the three of you do all day?

If your husband was going to be at work all day that might be different.

But unless you have a csection then or traumatic birth then I think few women really need help in the house tbh.

I´m sure at first I slept just about whenever baby did & set aside maybe half an hour a day to do housework.

Good luck.

The experience of your wedding day is a great big flashing beacon of a lighthouse sending out a warning to not let your marriage end up on the rocks.

Let us know how you get on - fingers crossed she understands :)

Thinking of you. Good luck.

My DS was adopted at 11 months so hav never experienced the new born thing but I really hope that I'm not going to try to makeup for what I "missed" at that late stage in the game! I don't now (4 years on) really feel that I missed anything, I had a different experience of bringing a child into the family - it had different highs and lows and bonding was more difficult than most peoples birth experiences but so rewarding when it happened because I'd worked so hard on it.

This is not your mum's chance to do something she missed out on, she had her own (albeit different) experience and you will have yours, you don't get to experience what she did and it doesn't work vice versa either.

I strongly suspect that she is not trying to catch up on what she missed - she is just being her normal controlling self (from your description) and she doesnt understand what the first few weeks will be like. I do, but then I have Mumsnet to explain it to me and she didn't

ust be straightforward - "we are not having any overnight visitors, not even you Mum, until we have settled into a routine and anyway it would be more helpful to me if you could come over during the day when DH goes back to work"

Be firm - your priority is to your child not your mother.

Would fully expect DS to kick me in the shins if I behaved like this!