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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH to contribute towards holiday?

67 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 10:34

I maybe am as he isn't coming. He doesn't want to come, holidays are his idea of hell.

Me and DD have spent the last few summers camping on our own in the UK. We had a terrible, wet week in Devon this summer and had to come back early as it was so bad (tent blew away).

Anyway I booked a last minute holiday to Egypt, DH doesn't want to come so its me and DD.

I asked him last night if he'd pay some of the money towards DD's ticket. I didn't think he'd mind as she is his daughter as well. I'm happy to pay the full cost of my ticket and was hoping he pay for hers but would have been happy with half.

We don't have any money worries, though he earns more than twice as much as I do and therefore manages to save a significant amount every month. Wheras I only work 3 days a week (he doesn't want me to work more as I work shifts so it casues childcare problems and hassle for him). I don't really have anything left over at the end of t he month.

I think the thing that has annoyed me more is when he said no he said something along the lines of "I'll do it if you start paying the mortgage". I feel like he's throwing it in my face that he pays the mortgage and all utility type bills. However I do all the food shopping, childminder and buy all of DD's clothes/shoes/toys. So I don't think he actually pays much more each month than me. Certainly on proportion I pay more of my salary than he does. He refuses to discuss our money situation further, refuses to consider joint account, etc.

OP posts:

lisad123isgoingcrazy · 09/09/2010 10:38

How long you been married? Sounds very odd to want to share your life with someone, have a children with them and share a home with them but not want to share your money. So no dont think you are unreasonable, its his child too

Ingles2 · 09/09/2010 10:39

OMG Beaver!
That is outrageous!
So he doesn't want to come on the holiday, fine!
I wouldn't put up with it, but fine!
But sorry, it's a household expense and that comes from the mutual pot that you jointly contribute to.
There is no way on earth I would put up with your finances.
He has private savings whilst you spend every penny you earn on dd..jeez
you know what.. I'd start charging him for childcare of dd, and care of the home, cooking etc

wingandprayer · 09/09/2010 10:40

This is a grossly unfair arrangement. Has it always been the same? What does he do with the savings? Do they go on something for the benefit of the whole family

WkdSM · 09/09/2010 10:40

This sounds a bit weird to me. I always worked on the assumption that if you love and trust someone with your heart, money is a secondary issue and everything goes in one pot and you agree how to spend it.

Is this just symptomatic of a larger issue? If he refuses to discuss things as fundamental as your joint finances, does this mean he does not really consider your relationship as a partnership?

Don't know what to suggest really.

mistletoekisses · 09/09/2010 10:40

Want to rant, but have a headache.

Can never understand how people who have had kids together sort their finances in this way. OP - YADNBU.

Your DH is a prick.

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 10:41

We've been married 10 years. I can't see things changing. Am actually quite tearful over the situation.

OP posts:

Ingles2 · 09/09/2010 10:42

ooo I'm sorry beaver... I hope I haven't upset you by ranting.
but you do realise he's treating you like crap don't you?

RobynLou · 09/09/2010 10:43

very odd arrangement. you're married and have children together but he has private savings? This is something you really need to sort out - especially as he doesn't want you to work more.

wingandprayer · 09/09/2010 10:43

Are you happy in this relationship apart from the financial stuff? Is he a good man in other ways?

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 10:43

He just saves all the money. When we've had a big bill he's paid it - he needed a new car last year so he paid the 7k for that, he bought me a new car for 4k about 5 years ago, the house got fixed last year and he paid for that and it was about 3k. So I don't know, but I think he kind of resents the fact that he pays for all this stuff.

We had an old cupboard (inbuilt) removed from our hallway 2 years ago. There is a huge hole in the carpet where it was, I asked about us going to choose another one. He asked me if I had any money for it, I don't. So 2 years later we still have a hallway with a 3ft long hole in the carpet.

OP posts:

Blu · 09/09/2010 10:44

VlB - your situation actually sounds quite horrible with regards to the way resources are shared. If you are legally arried then there is no legal differnce between 'his ' money and 'yours', so what he is doing is controlling the flow of joint money within your partnership. And it isn't only money which is a resource within a family - you are taking care of all the childcare (by paying for the CM and doing the rest yourself).

Tell him that if you take dd away for a week you will be charging him CM fees, for 24 hours a day, 7 days, to be paid to you - because it is that that enables him to be at work, with his parenting duties covered.

But seriously - his horribel attitude over the holiday is only part of your problem.

Suggest a joint household account into which you pay an equal PERCENTAGE of your income, and which is enough to cover all household and jpint costs. Joint costs are food, EVERYTHING pertaining to your child, inc clotyhing, presents, outings etc. Or sone other system that suits you.

RobynLou · 09/09/2010 10:44

You should think about how things will be in 30-40 years. Better to address this now than be in a terrible financial situation in retirement.

Ingles2 · 09/09/2010 10:44

why don't you sit down and work out the finances.
so, how much you earn, which bills/costs you pay,
how much savings you have, what percentage of your earning are spent on family.
and then do the same for him..
then negotiate him paying a larger amount into the pot

Blu · 09/09/2010 10:46

Would he go to Relate about this? he does sound controlling.

Ingles2 · 09/09/2010 10:46

so he's controlling you then...is he controlling in any other way?
what's he like as a partner / parent?

Ingles2 · 09/09/2010 10:46

I agree with Blu

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 10:47

I can't sit down with him and talk about money as he won't talk about money - he's very sectretive. I only found out what his annual earnings were the other week when I needed to know for a tax form. He earns about 10k a year more than what I thought he did. I have no idea what his savings are - I would guess between 30-60k, possibly more.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 09/09/2010 10:47

Sorry but your H sounds like an utter arse.

Fennel · 09/09/2010 10:47

He's being outrageous. "he doesn't want me to work more as it causes childcare problems" and then he expects you to spend your money not his on family activities?

utterly utterly unreasonable.....

Ingles2 · 09/09/2010 10:48

and you love him because????

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 10:49

He's a good dad, but he likes putting me down. He tells me off infront of DD.

Last night I'd been asking to get in her PJs for ages and then really started strictly telling her, she was procrastinating by showing DH her new mineral poster. He glared at me with a really nasty look and says "just leave her alone, she's showing me something". I feel he undermines me.

OP posts:

wingandprayer · 09/09/2010 10:50

What do you think he would he do if you sat him down and said "this is a make or break situation and things must change"?

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 10:51

I really don't think I do love him anymore. He'd never come to counselling.

Some days he's really nice, laughing, smiling and I think that this is what it used to be like. But now he just seems like a miserable arse. He'd probably say the same about me, but its this situation thats making me so fusking miserable.

OP posts:

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 10:54

I think I'm scared that if I did say this is a make or break situation then he'd say fine, lets get divorced. I don't want to get divorced, DD would be devestaed, I wouldn't be able to work anymore (I don't finish work till 10:00pm).

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