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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH to contribute towards holiday?

67 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 10:34

I maybe am as he isn't coming. He doesn't want to come, holidays are his idea of hell.

Me and DD have spent the last few summers camping on our own in the UK. We had a terrible, wet week in Devon this summer and had to come back early as it was so bad (tent blew away).

Anyway I booked a last minute holiday to Egypt, DH doesn't want to come so its me and DD.

I asked him last night if he'd pay some of the money towards DD's ticket. I didn't think he'd mind as she is his daughter as well. I'm happy to pay the full cost of my ticket and was hoping he pay for hers but would have been happy with half.

We don't have any money worries, though he earns more than twice as much as I do and therefore manages to save a significant amount every month. Wheras I only work 3 days a week (he doesn't want me to work more as I work shifts so it casues childcare problems and hassle for him). I don't really have anything left over at the end of t he month.

I think the thing that has annoyed me more is when he said no he said something along the lines of "I'll do it if you start paying the mortgage". I feel like he's throwing it in my face that he pays the mortgage and all utility type bills. However I do all the food shopping, childminder and buy all of DD's clothes/shoes/toys. So I don't think he actually pays much more each month than me. Certainly on proportion I pay more of my salary than he does. He refuses to discuss our money situation further, refuses to consider joint account, etc.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 09/09/2010 10:55

go to counselling yourself then. talk it through.

and - have a good holiday!

Ingles2 · 09/09/2010 10:56

oh no beaver... poor you
well, this is make or break time really then.
you have to decide if you are going to put up with this indefinitely, or
force him into counselling.
Is there obvious reasons in his past as to why he behaves like this? did he come from poverty? Why does he not want to come on holiday?

Ingles2 · 09/09/2010 10:57

and what do you want?

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 11:00

He hasn't come from poverty. His dad was a teacher/lecturer and his mum had a p/t job. Maybe not the best paid jobs but I don't think any serious money worries. I don't know how his parents arranged their finances (his dad is dead).

He doesn't want to go on holiday as he says that beach holidays are boring. We normally go skiing every year (which he pays for), but I think I'm going to tell him that I'm not coming next time. I'm not that bothered about skiing and I just don't think I want to go if this is how he feels that he's paying for everything. I don't want it thrown back in my face at a later date.

I think I will arrange some counselling.

OP posts:

Deliaskis · 09/09/2010 11:01

Agree that the wider issue of how money is organised between the two of you is clearly the problem, the holiday is just incidental.

Looking at your OP on its own, I wouldn't book a holiday without discussing with DH first, so that was perhaps not a good way to go about it, but given your subsequent posts on his whole attitude towards money and the relationship, it sounds like the holiday is incidental to the real issue.

Sorry you're going through this and hope you can find a way to make things work out better for all of you (whether that's together or apart).

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 11:02

I'd like us to stay together but to have a better relationship. To talk to each other more. I don't really bother talking to him much anymore. I feel defensive all the time as I feel that he's having a go. Minor stuff in a passive agressive kind of way. Then he has a go at me for being so defensive and makes out I'm being too touchy. So now I just keep out his way. Its all quite shit really.

OP posts:

maryz · 09/09/2010 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 11:03

Deliaskis - I did discuss the holiday with him before I booked it, though not the money side of things. I told him I wanted to go and asked if he wanted to come. He did know about it beforehand.

OP posts:

Callisto · 09/09/2010 11:04

You can change your job or retrain before you leave him. He sounds awful. And I don't think a man is a good father if he puts the mother of his children down in front of them. What sort of message is he giving your DD? That it is ok for men be be controlling pricks and women should just take it. He also isn't a good father if he isn't prepared to pay for your DD's holiday.

You may be better posting in relationships though, because this isn't about the holiday, this is about you realising that your husband is an arse and whether you can salvage anything.

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 11:05

The house is in my name, the savings are in his. I suppose that DD is 9 so in 2 more years she'll be at secondary school and I won't need childcare.

OP posts:

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 09/09/2010 11:06

Sorry - house is in joint names.

OP posts:

ruddynorah · 09/09/2010 11:11

The house is in your name? Are you sure? The mortgage? Does your income alone justify the mortgage?

InmyheadIminParis · 09/09/2010 11:11

ruddynorah · 09/09/2010 11:12

Ah ok.

InmyheadIminParis · 09/09/2010 11:13

I'm shocked by this. Hope you find a way through it.

catsmother · 09/09/2010 11:15

Sorry .... but if he puts you down in front of your child he's not being a good dad. He's sending a message to her that you are somehow less important in the pecking order than he is (.... which is also borne out by his money attitude). Sure, he may not agree with you all the time, but disagreements between parents should be dealt with privately - there's no need to do it in front of the kids, doing that is as if he likes to belittle you.

As for the money - yes, he's being a nasty bastard about it. Your DD's holiday cost shouldn't be your responsibility - she's his daughter too. Having a go at you about money is mean and disingenous when, proportionately, I bet you put a larger percentage of your earnings into the household to benefit the whole family. Furthermore, he has told you he doesn't want you to work longer hours so where the hell are you supposed to conjure up more money from ?

Even if you did work longer hours I expect the same nasty attitude would continue unless you were able to match him £ for £. Very very few, if any, couples earn exactly the same as one another - to resent the lower paid party for that simple fact is bloody ridiculous, and the only way he'd have any sort of argument would be if you had skills & experience which would enable you to earn a much higher wage, but you'd opted to do something less well paid instead (and even in that scenario, the argument may not be cut and dried depending on all sorts of personal circumstances).

The fact he "won't" talk about money rings alarm bells. Why's that then ? .... are you thick ? (I'm sure you're not) Are you a totally irresponsible spendthrift who'd blow his stash on handbags if you knew about it ? (again, sure you're not) Why does he keep his earnings a secret ? .... my gut feeling would be that either he's spending money (somehow) on himself and he doesn't want you to know the ins and outs, and/or (sorry to suggest this) he's not fully committed to you, doesn't see himself in the relationship for the long term, and is therefore hiding money so he has a more comfortable time of it when he does eventually decide to make the break. His attitude might also indicate some kind of warped "revenge" towards you for daring not to contribute as "much" (in £s, regardless of proportional contribution and unpaid contributions to the home/family) as he does ..... he feels resentful (prick) so he's clinging on to "his" money.

As so many others have said, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, with earnings being combined to support the household as a whole. His attitude re: the hole in the carpet is vile .... feels like that's a punishment. He could easily afford to replace it, but refuses. You can't afford to replace it, so it doesn't get done. Seems like that hole has been left there as a perpetual visible reminder of how "worthless"/"inferior" he thinks you are.

He really is contemptuous and if he's been like this for 10 years I'm amazed you've been able to stick it ... he must make you feel about 2 inches tall. I'm kind of guessing that he'd refuse, but I wonder how he'd justify all this if he was plonked in front of a counsellor ?

chippy47 · 09/09/2010 11:15

You would probably get more money out of him if you did get divorced.
The terminology you use is interesting - 'he paid for it '. No he didn't. He is part of a family unit in which all monies need to be shared to meet the needs of the unit (if you were being clinical think of it as a business). My DP currently works but this may change in the future and when she was on maternity leave with DS1 and 2 the money I earnt paid for most things -but it is not my money it is the families. I would not be able to work without the contribution of my DP whilst on ML and even now when she is back at work (I travel a lot so the onus for child care arrangements does fall with DP quite a lot).
Before children the money situation was a bit independent but since we have a budget -house monies come first then whatever is left we each get a monthly allowance to spend. Anything unexpected gets discussed etc etc..

megapixels · 09/09/2010 11:19

Seems very odd. I am a SAHM but have my own income (property) but when the children and I go on holiday later this year it's dh who's paying for it, even though he's not even coming. My income is an emergency reserve and we also pay all charity out of it. I didn't think people split everything exactly in the middle - that sounds more like a business arrangement than a family set-up.

I think you need to persuade your dh to attend counselling. It looks like you are unhappy with this arrangement and it is not healthy to let your resentment over this simmer for any longer.

maryz · 09/09/2010 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

megapixels · 09/09/2010 11:21

Sorry I just saw your last posts just now. Had only seen page 1 .

BonzoDooDah · 09/09/2010 11:24

I'm quite shocked and saddened for you about your situation. This isn't a normal healthy relationship for a marriage - him controlling the money. It should be shared and communal money and legally it IS. [i.e. if you divorce no matter how much he has saved you will be entitled to half of everything].
He seems very controlling - I do think you need to go and talk to a councillor about your whole relationship and see how much of if is "normal" and how much is a sort of domestic abuse (I know that sounds dramatic but constantly criticising you (especially in front of DD) and withholding money from you is a form of that).
I hope you can sort this out - but I hope that you don't stand for this either.

ruddynorah · 09/09/2010 11:27

You don't have to split things 50 50. Dh pays all mortgage, bills, food and I pay everything for the dc. It works because he earns more than I do. We each pay for our own car and own phone and anything we want for ourselves.

I'm inheriting a large amount soon. It will mostly go to our joint mortgage. Some though will go into joint savings and the dc trust funds etc. What I'm saying is it is joint money. I could keep the lot, but I wouldn't.

Heracles · 09/09/2010 12:13

He sounds incredibly selfish.

whatkatydidathome · 09/09/2010 12:35

I never understand any of these threads - how can anyone be married and have separate finances like this? Isn't the whole idea that yo throw your lot in with someone "for better or for worse" and "for richer and for poorer"?

Incidently of course he should pay - I'm assuming he contributes towards dds chothes but does not wear them, to her food but does not eat it etc.

MisterW · 09/09/2010 12:58

A read a book recently (Blink by Malcolm Gladwell) and one of the things it talked about was an ability to determine the future success of a relationship from a very small segment of a conversation between the two people. They were looking at the emotions displayed when the people were talking. The key emotion that indicates a doomed relationship turns out to be contempt.

You OH tells you off and puts you down in front of other people? That sounds like contempt. You need to sort it out or get out.

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