To ask DH to contribute towards holiday?

[VivaLeBeaver]

I maybe am as he isn't coming. He doesn't want to come, holidays are his idea of hell.

Me and DD have spent the last few summers camping on our own in the UK. We had a terrible, wet week in Devon this summer and had to come back early as it was so bad (tent blew away).

Anyway I booked a last minute holiday to Egypt, DH doesn't want to come so its me and DD.

I asked him last night if he'd pay some of the money towards DD's ticket. I didn't think he'd mind as she is his daughter as well. I'm happy to pay the full cost of my ticket and was hoping he pay for hers but would have been happy with half.

We don't have any money worries, though he earns more than twice as much as I do and therefore manages to save a significant amount every month. Wheras I only work 3 days a week (he doesn't want me to work more as I work shifts so it casues childcare problems and hassle for him). I don't really have anything left over at the end of t he month.

I think the thing that has annoyed me more is when he said no he said something along the lines of "I'll do it if you start paying the mortgage". I feel like he's throwing it in my face that he pays the mortgage and all utility type bills. However I do all the food shopping, childminder and buy all of DD's clothes/shoes/toys. So I don't think he actually pays much more each month than me. Certainly on proportion I pay more of my salary than he does. He refuses to discuss our money situation further, refuses to consider joint account, etc.

I don't want to sound harsh but I think you need to take a cold look at the sort of behaviour you are modelling for your DD.

The attitudes to money she sees growing up will affect her for the rest of her life, and frankly your and your husband's are deeply unhealthy.

MisterW, I read that book last week! It's really interesting, well worth a read for anyone, really. The 'contempt' thing was really interesting. As you say, it is the one major factor that harms relationships, far more than anger or criticism.

It does sound, OP, like your husband does have some measure of contempt for your efforts, and the way he treats you shows this. Perhaps that's how he's comfortable: it puts him in the driving seat and allows him to do as he pleases.

However, it isn't fair on you, especially as your contributions ARE as valid as he is. Money is not the only thing a person should bring to a relationship and at the moment, is he bringing much more than that?

The holiday is only the tip of the iceberg here but why would he not want to have a holiday with his family? It sounds like he is living the single life.

Has he had financial difficulties in the past and is saving for a rainy day?

If you are thinking of leaving you should turn detective and find out how much he has and where to secure a future for yourself and your daughter.

Good luck whatever you decide x

He's not a good dad. He's a controlling, selfish, emotionally abusive prick.

Your child is nine. That's old enough to be able to go to an after school club or have a minder come collect her at school and look after her for a couple of hours.

You need to go to work FT or retrain now, then bin this prick before your daughter gets the idea that this is what is acceptable in a relationship.

Would you be happy to see your child trapped in a relationship with an utter tube steak like this?

If the answer's no, then why do you think you deserve such a set-up/

He won't go to counselling, he won't communicate with you, he puts you down and belittles you, he's controlling, secretive, manipulative.

I mean, what's to save here other than yourself?

he sounds awful and I echo the sentiments of others.

My DH was away in the Middle East for most of the past year. Feb halfterm I went to Paris and disneyland with the children. Easter I went skiing with the children. We paid (ie I used the debit card from our joint account) (btw, he earns roughly 50% more than me although we both work ft). We didn't even really discuss it...and certainly didn't argue about it!

VLB - don't let it get you down too much .Don't want to say too much on here, but I've been there and am just on the end of the phone if you want to talk, or come for coffee. TC

OP I agree with everything that everyone else has said.

I am always when married couples don't share all their money.

What part of "All that I have, I share with you" did he not understand??

This is an unworkable and unfair arrangement. He is getting exactly what he wants, he doesnt want his child's mum to work full time, but he wants he to struggle by on part time money with little help from him.

I know a woman whos partner is the same, she raises the two kids, gave up a fulfilling and well paid maternity career to do so at his repeated request but is given no control over household money. She finally got some part time work and he 'punished' her by handing her more bills to foot from it. She had to beg for a car, she has no computer, he has a work laptop but wont bring it home. All holidays are camping, and with his mother. He is a miserable arse, and tight people are tight with feeling, loyalty and the rest.

Please leave this hideous prison.

What a bizarre situation. He sounds awful.

Something is so wrong here.

He is keeping your monies separate. This way, he is keeping a large aspect of your respective lives separate. How is this a healthy marriage? Yes it's a risk to share everything, but that's surely what one signs up to?

The (large) deposit for our house was entirely my money. But now I've been made redundant and DH will be paying the mortgage, and about everything else. There is no "my" money or "his" money. It's ours. Because how we spend our money affects both of us and our (soon-to-arrive) DC1.

what expat said.

Well if I were you I'd begin hunting out details of 'his' savings and then seeing a solicitor with the evidence.

Good luck with counselling if thats the route you choose though.

He really does not sound great, sorry.

He is controlling you, your DD and your lives.

You are not allowed to work but equally he want share the money from hsi job?

I never understand why married people don't have shared finances as it is, but your DH is really taking the biscuit here.

I think you both need to sit down and have a massive talk abou this. He is being very selfish regarding finances.

As for not wanting to go on holiday with hs family - hmmm, for me that is a whole other issue and not one I would be happy about.

What a strange financial set up. Mind you i would not accept anything other than all money being joint money equally owned by DH and me, regardless of who earned it. Seems unfair that he is restricting what you earn and yet not contributing. Is he saving up a fuck off fund??

Nothing you have typed suggests that he loves you or cares for you at all

You really need to sit down and think about your situation and decide if you are happy to continue to allow yourself to be treated like this.