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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being really embarrassed by DP's aggression yesterday?

96 replies

AufDerMaur · 08/09/2010 13:46

Yesterday DP and I were sat in the car, on the driveway waiting to leave. The dustbin cart pulled up in front of the house and the men busied themselves emptying the bins down our street. So DP took the opportunity to sit playing with the sat nav.
Then he looked up and said "I bet they leave the bin right in the middle of the driveway blocking us in, if they do, I'll kick off".
I ignored this. Then the bin man pushed the bin in front of the house and walked off (in front of the car but TBF, I don't think he realised anyone was IN the car). Anyway DP bibbed the horn, the bin man looked across, realised his error and walked back over to the bin to move it. DP then shouted "yeah thats right, right in the middle of the fucking drive way, you can see I was waiting to get out, fucking tosser" He then revved the engine and shot the car forward towards the bin man (but stopped it again before it caused the poor bloke any real concern) Shock

I was so embarrassed and couldn't even look the binman in the eyes.

Its not the first time he's done something similar but it really, really embarrassed me. He's also got a habit of speeding up if someone crosses the road in front of him. For instance a group of teenagers walked out into the road, acted a bit cocky like they do, refusing to rush etc and DP actually speeded up the car and missed them by inches. One day he WILL hit someone, I'm sure of it. He also speeds up towards cars that pull in front of him too.

Ok I know I'm not being unreasonable to be against his behaviour but he acts like I'm having a go at him if I say anything and says I'm trying to cause arguments.

One time we were driving along and a young kid came flying across the road on a bike, barely looked for cars but he was only about 11. Anyway DP shouted "look at that fucking dickhead" - then the bike's front wheel got stuck in a grate and the kid went flying over the handlebars, headfirst onto the concrete, smacked his face on the pavement and blatently broke his arm. He was crying out in agony, everyone who saw it went running over to help, I was mortified and wanted to see if he was ok - DP shouted "HA HA! nice one! serves him right, that does"

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 14:41

gosh, is this going to be a stealth reveal ? I hope not

ADM...you are living with an abuser and you need to realise that

lauzb · 08/09/2010 14:41

AufDerMaur - have you told him to stop the play fighting? Or just hoping that he will stop soon, as you no longer play along?

He sounds like a real jerk.

Does your DC pick up on any of his aggression at all - so worrying!

warthog · 08/09/2010 14:42

AufDerMaur, i hope you're getting the picture loud and clear, both from this thread and your other one you've got going:

YOU'VE GOT TO LEAVE THIS TOSSER.

you don't need anymore reason than the ones you're given.

and because you started play fighting a few months back does NOT mean it's your responsibility anymore. he is CHOOSING to continue something he KNOWS you don't like.

HE WILL GET WORSE.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 08/09/2010 14:43

What's he like when he gets angry at home/out of the car now?

Glad I asked about the playfighting, these kind of bastards really need to get the hate out somehow. Under what circumstances does he start "playfully" punching you now? Does it hurt? Bruise?

Do you have kids? live together?

NotEnoughTime · 08/09/2010 14:44

Please get out of this relationship ASAP if not for yourself then for your child/ren.

Best of luck.

Mowiol · 08/09/2010 14:44

He's doing something you don't like, you want him to stop but he doesn't.
And he's doing it to get a reaction? Like seeing if he can make you cry, get upset etc??
Was he a playground bully too? Possibly picking on the little smaller kids, girls?

shinyrobot · 08/09/2010 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zondra · 08/09/2010 14:46

Is this real?

If so I'm very :( for you living with this pig.

I'm really concerned about the child on the bike story. Did you get out the car, call ambulance or say nothing even though, you believe you witnessed a child break his arm?

littleshinyone · 08/09/2010 14:49

he doesn't sound like someone i'd want around my children

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 08/09/2010 15:10

So he's only agressive when he's feeling invulnerable in his car? Does he does this in other situations where he thinks his target can't retaliate - is he rude to waiters and serving staff for example?

sapphireblue · 08/09/2010 15:54

your DH has serious ishooos.......I couldn't put up with him.

cestlavielife · 08/09/2010 16:03

YABU for being "embarassed". you should be horrifed and you should leave him.

vanillacupcakes · 08/09/2010 16:46

ew.

sounds like my ex.

hoolabombshell · 08/09/2010 17:07

Auf Der Maur he sounds just like my DP, although if you met him you would think butter wouldn't melt.

My DP has some deep seated anger issues and I have to say your descriptions of road rage could be describing what goes on in our car. Depending on what mood he's in DP sometimes speeds up and misses pedestrians by inches, ALWAYS tailgates cars who cut him off (but then how hard is it to 'cut someone off' if they're coming towards you too fast?) and if someone is driving 'up his arse he will purposely slow down and try and stare them off in the rear view mirror, much to my absolutely dread.

Do you get told off and barked at if you try and say anything to him about it? I do.

When he is not behind the wheel DP is a charming, loving, intelligent, thoughtful and good humoured guy. And he would NEVER dream of lifting a hand to me, before anyone starts (I've been with him 10 years and there has never been any hint of it happening, hell I would be more likely to do it!).

I don't exactly think he would laugh at the misfortune of a child who had fallen off his bike, but believe me, he's a firey character at times. What are the qualities you love about your DP, OP?

watches thread with interest

Mahraih · 08/09/2010 17:20

OP, he sounds like a worrying man ... "Its my fault" is the calling cry of abused women across the world!

I don't think playfighting is a sign of something 'darker' but you should never feel threatened or in pain.

Next time he does it, I suggest you calmy, but seriously say something like, "It really hurts when you do that, let's not playfight anymore" and get him to verbally agree. If he continues, that's bad.

Olifin · 08/09/2010 17:21

My ex was like this; very, very aggressive and angry and also highly emotional and cowardly. He was also abusive to me, but rarely physically, mostly emotional abuse.

He had been very badly bullied as a child which I think is where a lot of his problems stemmed from.

Needless to say, he never changed and I left him.

Hope you can find the courage to do the right thing in this situation. As I'm sure you know, domestic abuse is not just about beatings.

kenobi · 08/09/2010 19:13

hoolabombshell - my DH same as yours - the loveliest man on the planet, kind, thoughtful, funny, hard-working, does housework without being asked, barely drinks, doesn't play video games all night, amazing dad (he is currently feeding DD her sups as I am supposed to be learning InDesign, oops!), and more.
He is also a frikkin nightmare in the car, does everything that your DH does.

We have had soooo many arguments about it, he says that it's his one opportunity to let off steam, I say he's going to get his lights punched out one day, and when DD is old enough, his staggeringly intense road rage will frighten her the way it frightens me.

But I think Auf Der Maur's DH sounds much, much darker... the bit about the kid, and the bin man, omfg, DH would never go that far.

HBC, I second your qu. OP, what do you love about Mr Auf Der Maur? We haven't heard much positive yet...

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 20:04

you see the thing about road rage is it causes accidents

I wouldn't let my kids in a car with nobs who act like Mike Fucking Tyson behind the steering wheel

it's not big, it's not clever and these men are putting their families at risk

would you ladies like to re-think your assertions that your blokes are "a good dad" ????

traceybath · 08/09/2010 20:11

I had some delightful bloke speed up behind me yesterday because he thought I'd pulled out in front of him too quickly - I hadn't but hey.

He drove right up my backside, flashing me and then overtook me on a roundabout and stopped his car in front of me. He only moved because other people beeped him.

He too had a woman sat next to him.

If that woman was me - well lets just say I wouldn't be getting in his car/bed/life again.

I hate hate hate aggressive drivers - you just know they're total knobs when not behind the wheel too.

So - don't waste time being embarassed by him - just leave him.

And whats with play-fighting - I sooo do not get that - I'm a grown-up not a puppy.

cumfy · 08/09/2010 22:45

Sounds quite scary.

What was the attraction ?

AnxiousLand · 08/09/2010 22:47

Nope i also do not think YABU (first time i used the abbreviation, hehe) but it is NOT uncommon on the roads today. I am a driver and feel that as each year goes past i have issued and recieved road rage. His road rage will ruin his entire life and more importantly the mother and father of the teenager or the children of the person he has killed.
Your life and your childrens lives too and extended family memners.

IT ISN'T WORTH IT

proudnsad · 08/09/2010 23:23

Gibbon, I too would like to welcome AufDefMaur to Mumsnet

AnxiousLand · 08/09/2010 23:33

Have you dared to suggest a course of therapy for his childhood issues?

Mumi · 09/09/2010 00:13

"everyone who saw it went running over to help" = normal reaction

"I was mortified and wanted to see if he was ok" = normal reaction

"DP shouted "HA HA! nice one! serves him right, that does"" = can you spot who is the odd one out here, OP?

Please leave him for both you and your DS's sakes :(

ChippingIn · 09/09/2010 00:35

AufDerMaur I would also like to welcome you to MN - two very interesting 'starter' posts.....

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