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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to my sister-in-laws 50th

76 replies

jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 22:16

DH's sister is throwing a birthday party at her sister's home 8 hours drive from where we live. It is on a saturday evening. We have 3 DC aged from 5 to 10 years. Our DC are the youngest children in the family.
They do not cope well at all with late nights, which result in terrible behaviour the following day.
DH is proposing we leave home on the saturday morning and arrive as the party starts. We will leave the following morning, and spend the day driving home. The DC fight like mad in the car, and we all get stressed.
We hve to stay in a B&B as there is no room in the house. DH's sisters and his mum will stay in the house where the party is.
When my mother-in-law asked if we had had our invite, I said we weren't sure we'd be going, whereby she got very shirty with me, and said that we had to go!!
Mother in law gets on my nerves, but I do like my sister-i-law and would go if the party was nearer.
I know that it will cause us all alot of stress going, so am I unreasonable not to go?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 05/09/2010 22:21

I doubt I'd make a 16 hour round trip for a birthday party, even without children.

Could DH go on his own?

atmywitssend · 05/09/2010 22:26

16 hours in a car over 2 days - no way without children. I'm shuddering at the thought of it with DS. You are not unreasonable in the least!

anyabanya · 05/09/2010 22:29

Fucking nightmare really

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 22:31

He has said he might take the two older DC on his own, which would be ok, as they'd be seperate in the car and less likely to fight. I suppose I feel less likely to make the effort, as we always get a bit side lined at their family gatherings. His Mu seems to have no understanding of how stressful driving with the DC is. She also gets the hump if DH goes without me to see her.
I'm glad you think it's fine for DHto go on his own though. I always see my Mum without DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 22:35

Thanks you lovely peopleSmile I was sure I wasn't being unreasonable, but DH has been really funny with me for not wanting to make the effort.
I'm not too keen on the older two going really as they'll have just got back into school routine. Don't you think I'll look like a control freak if I say none of the DC can go?

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 22:35

She is 50. This is a significant birthday. Why don't you make a weekend of it, travel up on Friday evening, let the DC sleep in the car and stay somewhere nice?

TBH, there are loads of Travel Inns and Premier Inns around that are pleasant, if not the lap of luxury - but you will still have somewhere very decent to stay.

Make sure you have plenty of things in the car to entertain the DC. Buy/borrow a DVD player, or get lots of story CDs/tapes. There's no excuse for them behaving badly as there are loads of ways to keep them entertained.

I think YABVU not to go and celebrate with her.

TheBolter · 05/09/2010 22:38

YANBU at all. Your mil however is. Can your dh fly there rather than take the car?

DinahRod · 05/09/2010 22:38

If there was a better way of doing it - fly? train? spend longer there? - I'd consider it for a significant event but I suppose that would rack up the costs/be impractical?

pluperfect · 05/09/2010 22:39

If you can't get a babysitter (e.g. your parents, who are not involved in this IL shindig), send DH on his own. It's unfair on you. DH and the children to do anything else.

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 22:40

Or get a family railcard and go on the train.

Why don't you really want to go? Surely you should be pleased to be celebrating such a significant birthday?

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 22:43

BecauseImworthIt, I have checked and there's no travelodge nearby. We went to a family wedding, same side of family in July, again 16 hour round trip, and travelodge was good. It was pricey at £300 for the two nights though. We had to have 2 rooms as there are 5 of us.
We are strapped for cash at the moment.
I agree it's a significant birthday though which is why I am posting for advice.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 05/09/2010 22:45

So tricky.

If you go, you'll be v. popular with your dh's family for making such an effort.

It's a one off - a real trial of patience - but do you think you could travel through the night on the Friday? Arrive and sleep enlisting your mil's help to watch over the children whilst you rest? Clear this with her before you travel! She sounds a bit shirty.

And then return on the Sunday night? Or late Sunday afternoon and hopefully the dcs will fall asleep in the car and you can just transfer them to bed so they're not too knackered for school?

Can one of your dcs ride in the front seat and you sit in the back? Can you get portable dvd players? Can you establish 'travel rules' with them before you go? Would that work with yours?

I know how you feel though - I'm the most negative recipient of invitations these days and often just think, "Oh god, it's such an effort," when I receive invites like this. But I've found, ime, that the planning and the anticipation is the worst bit.

moondog · 05/09/2010 22:47

I think you're being a misery.
Go, it will be fun and she will be so pleased you made the effort.
There has to be somewhere to stay around there.
Where is it? I'll look for you.

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 22:49

The rail journey would be even longer, and very expensive.
Plu- my Mum couldn't cope with our DC on her own, although perhaps she could for one night if we flew.(that's a possibility)
I suppose I'm feeling irritated by M-I-L's reaction. I think she probably thinks we see my family all the time, which is completely not true.
We did go awy for a week-end in june for my Mum's retirement. It was however an hour away in a complex of cottages, where we all had proper accommodation.

OP posts:
Irishchic · 05/09/2010 22:50

Its just a birthday at the end of the day, not even a wedding. I would not expect my siblings and their young families to trek a 16hour round trip for my 40th, or (when it comes) my 50th. I would be happt to celebrate with whoever could comfortably make it but would not expect people to put themselves out to that extent, not with a young family and to go so far.

No, YANBU at all and do not let others make you feel guilty for your natural reluctance to go. The logistics are a nightmare, and its only a bloody birthday after all!

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 22:52

Sorry - but how could a rail journey be even longer than a car journey? Where are you travelling to/from?

You seem to be putting up negatives all the time. Why?

There has to be a way to sort this out - if you want to go. Is it really that you just don't want to go?

If you don't want to go, just say so. Don't make excuses.

WinkyWinkola · 05/09/2010 22:53

Is it ok to say you just don't want to go to an occasion like this? No particular reason - just that you don't want to go?

I've never thought of that as an option.

NonnoMum · 05/09/2010 22:54

I'm with nikita.

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 22:54

Perhaps you wouldn't say that to the family, but you might say it on here! And ask for help with making excuses!

ItsGrimUpNorth · 05/09/2010 22:54

Personally, I wouldn't be offended if people couldn't or wouldn't be prepared to travel for a long way for my birthday. It's a birthday for goodness sakes. My ego isn't that big.

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 22:56

IMO it's not about ego - it's about family celebrations. It's lovely to be together on such occasions.

However, not everyone feels that way. I quite understand that. But the OP hasn't said that she feels this way.

Irishchic · 05/09/2010 22:58

OP does not want to go because it will be very difficult for all sorts of valid reasons, and therefore probably not worth the effort.

It sounds like she is worried what her MIL or other in laws will think of her of they do not go.

I think that given the logistics, OP is perfectly within her rights to say, thanks but no thanks, send a bouquet and a nice card, and make a point of visiting her SIL sometime over the next few months for a couple of days instead, take her out for dinner and celebrate it then.

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 22:59

Grin at Moondog. I probably am a misery, but I once went to another party of theirs when DS1 was a baby ten years ago. Everyone else slept in the main house and DH, DS and I were consigned to freezing cold room in an annexe you accessed from the outside. One of the activities of the highly planned occasion was to go around the table telling stories about the person whose birthday it was.(DH's step-father) I hardly new the man and just felt very uncomfortable.

I like them all as individuals, but as a group they are dreadful.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 05/09/2010 22:59

I'm with Nikita again!

Ragwort · 05/09/2010 22:59

BecauseImWorthIt - rail journeys can often be much longer than car journeys - I know from bitter experience ....... but that's another discussion.

We live a long way from family and completely understand that it is difficult to make long journeys for parties etc. Many of our family have been unable to make special occasions - DS's christening and 'special' birthdays etc. - I really don't mind at all, fully appreciate what a logistical nightmare it can be to travel across the country.