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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to my sister-in-laws 50th

76 replies

jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 22:16

DH's sister is throwing a birthday party at her sister's home 8 hours drive from where we live. It is on a saturday evening. We have 3 DC aged from 5 to 10 years. Our DC are the youngest children in the family.
They do not cope well at all with late nights, which result in terrible behaviour the following day.
DH is proposing we leave home on the saturday morning and arrive as the party starts. We will leave the following morning, and spend the day driving home. The DC fight like mad in the car, and we all get stressed.
We hve to stay in a B&B as there is no room in the house. DH's sisters and his mum will stay in the house where the party is.
When my mother-in-law asked if we had had our invite, I said we weren't sure we'd be going, whereby she got very shirty with me, and said that we had to go!!
Mother in law gets on my nerves, but I do like my sister-i-law and would go if the party was nearer.
I know that it will cause us all alot of stress going, so am I unreasonable not to go?

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 05/09/2010 23:01

It absolutely is about ego. I'm 50. I want some attention on my significant day. It's my big birthday. Nothing wrong with that particularly of course but then one can't expect people to all sing to the same tune. If someone doesn't want to travel for hours for the occasion then fair enough. Absolutely.

If it's about family gatherings, then organise an impromptu one instead of one's birthday.

I loathe the 'it's my birthday come to Barcelona with me otherwise you're a shite friend/relative' thing.

Rubbish.

Weddings and funerals are different. They just are.

SuzieHomemaker · 05/09/2010 23:03

It's a birthday party. Once past the age of three tantrums from the birthday girl are no longer tolerable.

We have a scattered family and receive plenty of invites with three line whips from MIL 'XXX wants the whole family to be there'. If XXX wants the whole family then XXX can damn well pay for travel and hotels.

Sorry - just needed to get that off my chest!

In my experience there will be no appreciation of the effort you have made. It is going to be a grown up party (you said your DCs are the youngest in the family). I wouldnt go and I would feel no guilt. DH could go to represent your wing of the family with apologies but only if he truly wants to go.

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 23:08

LOL at Winky's suggestion of M-i-l looking after the DC. When I was pregnant with DS1 she told us that she would not be looking after our children, as her and step-father had had quite enough of small children. Lol!

Because- without giving any detail(you could be my s-i-l Wink the venue is at the other end of the country to us, and would involve about 3 changes on the train.

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 23:10

Ragwort - it depends where you're travelling to/from, which is why I asked the OP that very question. Most long distance journeys are much quicker on the train, e.g. London to York = 1 hour 50 minutes. Approximately half the time it would take to drive.

IGUP (love the name, btw) - OP isn't being asked to "come to Barcelona with me otherwise you're a shite friend/relative" - she's being invited to something which is obviously significant to her SIL.

OP - if you don't want to go, just say it's too difficult and be done with it. But be prepared for lots of family irritation if you aren't there for what is, presumably, seen as a significant party by the rest of the family.

And who knows. if you go, you might even enjoy yourselves.

Irishchic · 05/09/2010 23:11

Nonnomum - Thanks! Wink

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 23:14

Look, jemima, fuck it. Just don't go. You clearly don't want to, so why bother asking here?

Irishchic · 05/09/2010 23:15

It would probably take the OP and her family a helluva lot less time to get to Barcelona for a party!

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 23:16

Nonnomum, Nikita and Suzie you've made me feel better.Smile I was worried I was being a miserable partypoop, but my reasons are quite valid.

OP posts:
cat64 · 05/09/2010 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gingerkirsty · 05/09/2010 23:19

God alive 8 hrs each way is epic, DCs or no DCs. I would not be prepared to do it just for one night if I were you. Could you make it a long wkend and take the Friday or Monday off so you at least have a clear day in between? Sorry if someone else has already suggested this.

Irishchic · 05/09/2010 23:19

BecauseImWorth it "Look, jemima, fuck it. Just don't go. You clearly don't want to, so why bother asking here?"

Hmm Take it easy. Why shouldnt OP post any question she wants?

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 23:19

Because- why the aggression? Isn't this an appropriate place to ask for advice on such matters?

OP posts:
gingerkirsty · 05/09/2010 23:20

Perhaps Because is your SIL OP! Wink

warthog · 05/09/2010 23:20

reasonable not to go.

seems to me like your gripe is your mil's reaction and the fact that you're not accommodated while everyone else is. can you see a reason for that? maybe they're worried about not having the right equipment / kids waking everyone up early?

anyway, you and your dh ultimately have to agree. i think idea of going another time is a good one.

but 2 x 8hr trips in as many days sounds like living hell.

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 23:23

Because- you're not my mother-in-law are you?ConfusedShock

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 23:24

I'm not OP's SIL. My SIL and I both agree that family is important.

I would travel to my SIL's 50th birthday because I know it would be important to her.

This is AIBU. OP obviously didn't want to hear any views other than her own.

Sorry if you thought it was aggression. It was frustration, actually. I hate it when people are so negative from the outset/unprepared to make any changes from their original stance.

I also happen to believe that family is really important.

Clearly other people don't think so.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/09/2010 23:26

Well, my family are (only!) a 6 hour drive away, I have only one DC who travels well in the car - and nothing on this earth would persuade me to travel up one day and back the next. And shell out for accommodation?

If they wanted me there that much, they could help to make it happen by at least offering a bed for the night.

You say your DC are the youngest in the family, which should mean they have all been through it, are aware of the nightmare that is car travel with children, and be offering to ease the pain as possible.

Irishchic · 05/09/2010 23:27

Becuase - Your post made me snigger.

You sound awfully self righteous and sniffy.

I'm so glad you're not my SIL!

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 23:30

How is believing that family is important self-righteous and sniffy?!

My SIL is lovely and she loves me too.

Oh, and for the record, when my family has come to our significant birthdays, we have paid for them to stay in local hotels, as our house wasn't big enough to accommodate all our guests.

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 23:30

I agree family is important, and it is really unfortunate that many families are so dispersed these days.
I do like my SIL alot and if it had been a journey of 4 hours would definitely be going.
However my immediate family are very important, and I know from experience that long journeys cause us all a great deal of stress.

OP posts:
cat64 · 05/09/2010 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gingerkirsty · 05/09/2010 23:37

"Oh, and for the record, when my family has come to our significant birthdays, we have paid for them to stay in local hotels, as our house wasn't big enough to accommodate all our guests." - what's your point, Because? the OP has not been offered this and has already said they cannot afford accommodation themselves.

Laquitar · 05/09/2010 23:37

You seem to not like them and to not want to go.

Don't go then.

As long as you promise that you will never start one of those threads: 'i wish we had close family', 'i wish sil babysat for us', 'we went to Spain last summer and was nice to see families eating all together and travelling to see each other', 'in continent they take children with them for everywhere'..etc Grin

SuzieHomemaker · 05/09/2010 23:39

I wouldnt travel to my own 50th let alone anyone else's (40th is now long gone and 50th is on the horizon). 50th is a significant wedding anniversary not a significant birthday. If the MIL wants a birthday party then she can ask not demand that people dance attendance.

Family is important but we all have different interpretations of family - I am strictly nuclear as is DH. MIL wants to be matriarchal with extended family concept. We do what we want. No one is wrong.

Iggi999 · 05/09/2010 23:39

Driving for 16 hours (with party chucked in the middle to boot) sounds dangerous to me.
If SIL cares about family (not meant to be one-way you know) then she won't want you to risk it.

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