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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to my sister-in-laws 50th

76 replies

jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 22:16

DH's sister is throwing a birthday party at her sister's home 8 hours drive from where we live. It is on a saturday evening. We have 3 DC aged from 5 to 10 years. Our DC are the youngest children in the family.
They do not cope well at all with late nights, which result in terrible behaviour the following day.
DH is proposing we leave home on the saturday morning and arrive as the party starts. We will leave the following morning, and spend the day driving home. The DC fight like mad in the car, and we all get stressed.
We hve to stay in a B&B as there is no room in the house. DH's sisters and his mum will stay in the house where the party is.
When my mother-in-law asked if we had had our invite, I said we weren't sure we'd be going, whereby she got very shirty with me, and said that we had to go!!
Mother in law gets on my nerves, but I do like my sister-i-law and would go if the party was nearer.
I know that it will cause us all alot of stress going, so am I unreasonable not to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 23:40

WhereYouLeftIt- I'm not sure they really want us there. It is difficult because the DC don't really have meaningful relationships with them, and I think they find our DC demanding. M-i-L likes the idea of a big family get together because it's the 'done thing'. The reality of it is bloody awful! I can't say this to DH,because it's his family and he is very loyal.

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 05/09/2010 23:46

gingerkirsty - it was in response to this:

"Well, my family are (only!) a 6 hour drive away, I have only one DC who travels well in the car - and nothing on this earth would persuade me to travel up one day and back the next. And shell out for accommodation?

If they wanted me there that much, they could help to make it happen by at least offering a bed for the night"

However, as clearly I am a deranged woman for wanting family to be together and make the effort to be together, I will now bow out of this thread.

Greenwing · 05/09/2010 23:47

It will be a nightmare for you, it is most unfair and unreasonable but two bad days will be far easier in the long run than causing bad feeling. If it is important to your DH and his family you should go just to keep the peace, otherwise you may cause more problems for yourself in the future. YANBU but if you are dealing with unreasonable people it is sometimes easier to put yourself out and avoid the flak.

Original poster
jemimapotts · 05/09/2010 23:48

Laquitar- I do like them individually just en masse after being stuck on in the car with warring children is a bit too much.

Thanks for all your balanced comments, you given me alot to ponder. Night allSmile

OP posts:
gtamom · 06/09/2010 04:42

It's such a shame your mother can't take care of your children and you and your dh attend on your own. Do you have any friends that could have them for sleepovers,(1 child to each friend, not all together) and your mother take care of one child?
I'd watch them for you, if I could.

Original poster
jemimapotts · 06/09/2010 12:30

Thanks gtaSmile
My current thinking is DH should go with DS1, giving them a bit of time together. I'll stay at home with the younger two.
We are in the middle of trying to move 25 miles away, but our house is not selling. The DC are pretty unsettled by all this and a weekend of little sleep will not make the situation any easier.
I wish my MIL could see this from my perspective.Sad
DH never tells her anything as he doesn't want her to worry. She knows we are trying to move but is unaware of how unsettling it all is for the DC. Maybe I should just tell her? I'm sure she'd think it was a feeble excuse though.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 06/09/2010 12:34

YABU. We used to travel for all big birthday parties when our children were that age. Just make weekend of it. The older two will soon adapt back into the school routine especially the 10 year old.

Original poster
jemimapotts · 06/09/2010 12:39

I wish I could be so confident mumeeee.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 06/09/2010 12:39

But memeeee 'making a weekend of it' for five people is very expensive - even if you use Travel Lodge type accommodation - we are a family of only 3 but having to fork out for petrol, accommodation and meals for a weekend is a really big expense and is often the reason we have to turn down invitations; and yes, I do camp and go to Youth Hostels if possible !

Original poster
jemimapotts · 06/09/2010 12:44

Exactly Ragwort. The weekend could end up costing £500 easily. We haven't got that kind of money to spend on a family party.

OP posts:
pluperfect · 06/09/2010 12:49

If you get on with your SIL, why not speak to her directly and cut out MIL completely, the way this ought to have been handled in the first place?

MIL did stick her oar in, yes, but it was not her business to do so, and people are often more demanding on behalf of others because they don't see it as being selfish/putting people in an awkward situation, as MIL has done. SIL may be quite understanding and get MIL to back off.

....although there is a chance that SIL is just letting MIL do the dirty work because she doesn't want to be seen as "selfish" on her own behalf. In favour of this theory is the fact that you are last in the queue for places to stay!

Stillcounting · 06/09/2010 12:51

Agree with Cat64

If family are so important - and I agree with BecauseI'mworthit that they are - then surely consideration should come from both sides?

I wouldn't expect or want anyone with young dc to go to all that effort on my behalf - 50th b'day party or not.

jemimapotts would your dh consider going on his own?

homeboys · 06/09/2010 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MorrisZapp · 06/09/2010 12:55

It's not unreasonable I suppose, as long as you don't develop amnesia and moan at a later date when others don't seem bothered about travelling for your own family's milstones and special celebrations, and offer reasons that don't sound entirely watertight.

I think travel is a hassle for everybody, not just your own family.

gagamama · 06/09/2010 12:56

YANBU, the travelling time and cost is prohibitive. Eight hours is a long bloody time, even as a one-off, but to do that twice in two days unless it's a life-or-death situation is insane.

Of course it's nice for families to get together, but your DCs aren't going to be at their best if they've been cooped up in a car for 8 hours. If it was a week-long stay, then fine. But twice in two days, you would have to be mad.

Original poster
jemimapotts · 06/09/2010 13:26

mmmm SIL always attends every party and does remember the DC's birthdays. I'm afraid I don't acknowledge birthdays on DH side as there are about 12 kids, and I see it as his responsibility< waits to be stoned>.

Would it be sufficient to Face book my apologies?Hmm

Thanks everybody for your helpful comments.Smile

OP posts:
Irishchic · 06/09/2010 13:50

Definitely not sufficient to facebook your apologies, that definitely would BU!

Original poster
jemimapotts · 06/09/2010 13:59

Thought so.Blush

OP posts:
pluperfect · 06/09/2010 15:49

Well, bully for SIL, being such a social paragon. Is that the problem: that she has raised expectations?

Laquitar · 06/09/2010 17:07

Tbh i can see a bit your MIL's point of view. You seem to give one excuse after the other. The best excuse-which strangely you only mentioned now-is the cost.

If you said from the begining that you cant afford the cost then i think everybody would respect that. But you were giving excuses such as 'i cant travel because my dcs argue in the car' Hmm.
And you turned down any suggestions from posters.

I don't understand the thread. So you want everybody to say 'poor you, don't go, of course you should have family in your terms only'. Erm, ok then. You have made up your mind anyway.

Irishchic · 06/09/2010 17:25

I dont agree Laquitar - OP came on to ask whether or not it would be unreasonable for her and her dh and dc's NOT to make a 16hour round trip to go to a birthday party.

It doesnt matter what the reasons are..I think that a 16 hour round trip for one night at a party with your young family is unfeasible, and therefore in answer to the OP, she is not being unreasonable to forego the party.

Even if OP doesnt particularly want to go anyway that is not relevant, it's too far, too expensive, and too stressful, no one is saying poor you, most people on the thread just agree that it isnt a goer.

Why the nastiness? Hmm

Lauriefairycake · 06/09/2010 17:32

I think it's ludicrous to consider travelling in a car for 16 hours with 3 children under 10.

Totally bonkers.

Laquitar · 06/09/2010 17:33

No, the trip is not easy i agree. But personally i think that sometimes we have to do things that might be a bit tiring for us. That's life and that's families.

Nastiness?? Confused

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/09/2010 17:49

Laquitar, it's the overall dismissive feel of your post - words on a screen can be read in a different 'tone' from the one in your head when you wrote those words. I guess the use of the word 'excuses' in preference to 'reasons' does tilt the balance a little. And two 8-hour drives in two days is more than a bit tiring. I've done two 6-hour drives in two days and felt wiped for the rest of the week. And I was alone in the car, which is much less tiring than with argumentative children.

Laquitar · 06/09/2010 18:09

Ah ok, thanks where, i can see now. I meant the money issue is a good ' reason' but for some reason i wrote 'good excuse'.

Ok accuse me of typing fast, of being lazy for not editing, not writting very well in english etc. But 'nasty' was a bit over the top.

I still stand that if it is once a year i would make the efford and family is about give and take. I don't see why i'm nasty for having a different opinion. Anyway, i will leave the thread now as it is pointless.