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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you describe this woman as poor?

58 replies

MeganFox · 05/09/2010 20:14

I have namechanged as I don't want to get "stalked", but I am a regular.

DH's ex is always going on that they are so poor (her, their DD and her fiance). She says that they often have to eat beans on toast as they cannot afford food. DH pays her a very reasonable sum of maintenance every month and has never fallen short on payments. If it were all spent on DSD it would guarantee her a very comfortable lifestyle. Yet on the bank hol weekend the payment didn't go in on the normal date due to the bank hol, but went in on the Tuesday. She kept texting to say that he must check his bank as she had direct debits coming out and that he needed to sort it out etc. He explained the reason why, but still she was asking. She has also asked for extra money for DSD's school trip, which we genuinely can't afford, but she thinks DH should pay half, even though he already pays maintenance.
Anyway, it's DSD's birthday coming up, and she said to DH that instead of getting her a present, he could just give her the money for the school trip.
The next thing you know, bizarrely she has sent DH a text listing all the things she is buying for DSD's birthday:
An Ipod touch
Speakers for it
A Links of London bracelet
Tickets to JLS concert
A day out at Chessington

In addition to this she got an early birthday present of a pair of genuine Ugg Cardy boots.

I just cannot fathom how you would be able to afford all this if you were struggling financially? Also, if you really were struggling or wanted your ex to think that, why would you send him a text listing all this?

I can't work it out .

OP posts:

Original poster

MeganFox · 05/09/2010 20:15

"they often have to eat beans on toast as they cannot afford food" - yes I know beans on toast is food - her words, not mine!

OP posts:

ValiumSingleton · 05/09/2010 20:17

You are gettin all confused with issues that aren't relevant here.

Your husband pays a reasonable amount of maintenance for their child. So he should. Putting a roof of a child's head is the most expensive cost there is.

It is absolutely no concern of yours what she wears, or what presents she may have been given, or what she may have bought.

BeerTricksPotter · 05/09/2010 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alouiseg · 05/09/2010 20:19

I'm not too surevwhat your question is?

ValiumSingleton · 05/09/2010 20:21

I wonder if you just resent the money your husband gives to his daughter. You look at them, and they don't seem to be struggling, so therefore you don't believe that they desperately need the money. But actually, their desperation or their standard of living isn't the issue.

Your husband is doing the right thing contributing towards his daughter's upbringing.

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 20:21

Well weird - I'm not suprised you can't work it out! Are you sure it's not a list of what she's expecting DH to buy her??

I'm not sure about the school trip, I don't know what the norm would be? I can see both sides of the arguement on that one.

Do you pay maintenance as per the CSA or is it privately agreed?

maddy68 · 05/09/2010 20:22

YABU
and he should still go 1/2s on the school trip
agree with the others that keeping a roof over her head is the most expensive thing and how she spends her maintainence is nothing to do with you

SixtyFootDoll · 05/09/2010 20:22

Its up to her how she spends her money, and it seems she is spending it on her daughter. Dont see what your problem is.

Lulumaam · 05/09/2010 20:24

it seems like £££££ for a birthday. hundreds of them. which yes, she might have saved all year for. but if that means they can only afford beans on toasts, maybe she needs to not buy so many birthday presents, so that they cna eat more than beans on toast

she might be struggling financially due to not getting her enough maintainance or by her own choice to spend £100s on DDs birthday

i defy anyone to say that all those things are reasonable for one birthday .

DH is obliged to pay maintainance, and ensure she can go on things like school trips etc.. but i think it is unfair for the mother to complain about having to eat beans on toast, when she is spending £100s on birthday gifts

Original poster

MeganFox · 05/09/2010 20:24

Yes I agree - I know he should pay maintenance and I am not disputing that.

But my point is - if you are genuinely "poor" (as she puts it), and claim that you cannot put food on the table, then why would you go out and spend about £500 on birthday presents?

If you had saved and saved would you not use the money for the petrol that you say you can't afford to get your child to school? (sorry I missed that bit from the OP).

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 05/09/2010 20:25

credit card/catalogues?

historygirls · 05/09/2010 20:27

I know a couple who are struggling even though they both have reasonable jobs. They are at the stage of beans on toast for the last week before payday, can't buy new tights for their dd when all her school tights had holes, missing work because of not enough petrol to get there, can't pay for school concert tickets (£2) until after payday.

They have bought a staggering number of things over the last year including 2 new cars (both of which were sold at a huge loss when they proved to be to expensive to finance), an enormous pedigree puppy (now enormous dog with enormous appetite), about 4 holidays including disneyland, very expensive OTT birthday party etc.

Anyway, they are not struggling financially because they don't have enough income to live a modest comfortable lifestyle, they are struggling because they are both shit with money. Some people just are.

Isn't it normal though, with seperated parents to tell each other what you are getting dcs for bdays and Christmas?

BeerTricksPotter · 05/09/2010 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 20:28

Valium - DSD's Mum makes it their business when she complains she doesn't have any money and is feeding DSD beans on toast because it's all she can afford when she is being given enough money not to have to do that. If she is so poor DSD is only getting beans on toast of out necessity - where is the huge amount of money coming from that is being spent on birthday presents? and where is the money going that her Dad is paying for her to have a decent standard of living (yes including a roof over her head, power etc).

deakell · 05/09/2010 20:28

You're being flamed here unecessarily here OP. I see what you're getting at and I get your point!

She is not poor, if she was, the money would NOT be spent on all that stuff, it would be spent on the basics (rent, bills, food etc..)

YANBU.

I think the problem lies with the fact that you know he pays her a lot, she wants more for stuff like school trips and she's spending it all on expensive gifts.

And yes valium, it is her concern if the ex is asking for extra money when clearly the money she already gets is spent on frivolities. As his wife, she has a right to know and have a say where the money is going, especially since it would be deemed extra.

Original poster

MeganFox · 05/09/2010 20:30

No I absolutely do not resent the money he gives them ValiumSingleton.

Sorry, I'm not very good at making myself clear - they do not seem to be struggling. So why is she saying that she is? That is my point.

Yes it's up to her how she spends her money - but if she blows it all on birthday presents and then can't afford food or petrol, then why should she complain that she is poor?

Why should he go halfs on the school trip? The maintenance money he pays would more than cover it. It is bad money management on her part if she can't budget for that.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 05/09/2010 20:31

maybe she needs to change her direct debit dates a bit but really it's none of your business. My DH gives me his share of the mortgage on the first of each month and this can be a pain if there's a bank holiday ad it gets delayed and could potentially put me into the red.

However, you have no idea how she might have saved to buy these presents and can only speculate.

Original poster

MeganFox · 05/09/2010 20:32

Lulumaam has put into words my exact thoughts!

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 05/09/2010 20:33

it is frankly stupid to buy Ugg boots , ipods and links bracelets if you cannot afford to put petrol in the car, food on the table or for school trips

regardless of whether the money comes from benefits, maintainance, wages or some other source

everyone is obliged to try to do their best to provide for their children and teach them they cannot have everything , and if they want it, and mum/dad can't afford it, the other parent will buy it

Lulumaam · 05/09/2010 20:33

I got the answer right !

pagwatch · 05/09/2010 20:34

Umm
I think it kind of depends on how much money you and Dh have

DD has just celebrated her birthday ( aged 8) and had
an electric guitar
a camera
a wii game
a £400 party
a day out in London with lunch with me and DS2
Two fur real toys
A ds game

Now that is about the same as she gets usually and close to what her brothers get.

That is what I will expect her to get if DH and I split - regardless of how much I have then and assuming that he continues to earn as he does now.

Do you see my point. he rlist and her poverty are not the point. What, as his daughter, should she reasonably expect him to get?

Lulumaam · 05/09/2010 20:37

but pag, you and DH are not eating beans or not being able to put petrol in the car so your DS can have these things?

if you can afford it, brilliant, if you can't , and it impacts on teh daily necessities of life, like food/petrol/school trips/.. it's not reasonable to buy it and then plead poverty

pozzled · 05/09/2010 20:38

YANBU to say that she is not poor, or at least that she doesn't have to eat beans or toast all the time. She is choosing to spend money on DSD's birthday, which she is entitled to do.

I don't know what the norm is for school trips- I would have thought that maintenance would include those kind of things rather than being extra, but I have no experience myself. So possibly she is not BU to ask for that.

pagwatch · 05/09/2010 20:40

I understand that . But if I were eating beans and Dh was still on the same amount of money I may be expecting him to help me keep her (DDs) life as un changed as possible.

I suspect I would be in the 'our circumstances are different, get over it' camp but I am trying to get some sense of a) where this mother may be coming from and b) why her circumstances rather than both parents circumstances should define what this childs life is like

But I may be talking crap. Am knackered after DDs party

Original poster

MeganFox · 05/09/2010 20:40

I'm really sorry I am so crap with OPs - I always miss bits out - not intentionally, just got a sieve brain! I should really have reread it before posting.

There was probably no need to mention the bank hol/direct debits bit, and those who said it's none of my business what she does with her money are correct.

However, like Lulumaam said, I just find it ludicrous to go buying all that if you are saying that you can't afford necessities.

I'm not saying that she shouldn't get her a birthday present, but it does start to affect us when we are being nagged for money that IMO would not be needed if she maybe only spent £100 on a birthday gift. (Which I still think is quite a generous amount).

OP posts:

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