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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you describe this woman as poor?

58 replies

MeganFox · 05/09/2010 20:14

I have namechanged as I don't want to get "stalked", but I am a regular.

DH's ex is always going on that they are so poor (her, their DD and her fiance). She says that they often have to eat beans on toast as they cannot afford food. DH pays her a very reasonable sum of maintenance every month and has never fallen short on payments. If it were all spent on DSD it would guarantee her a very comfortable lifestyle. Yet on the bank hol weekend the payment didn't go in on the normal date due to the bank hol, but went in on the Tuesday. She kept texting to say that he must check his bank as she had direct debits coming out and that he needed to sort it out etc. He explained the reason why, but still she was asking. She has also asked for extra money for DSD's school trip, which we genuinely can't afford, but she thinks DH should pay half, even though he already pays maintenance.
Anyway, it's DSD's birthday coming up, and she said to DH that instead of getting her a present, he could just give her the money for the school trip.
The next thing you know, bizarrely she has sent DH a text listing all the things she is buying for DSD's birthday:
An Ipod touch
Speakers for it
A Links of London bracelet
Tickets to JLS concert
A day out at Chessington

In addition to this she got an early birthday present of a pair of genuine Ugg Cardy boots.

I just cannot fathom how you would be able to afford all this if you were struggling financially? Also, if you really were struggling or wanted your ex to think that, why would you send him a text listing all this?

I can't work it out Confused.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 05/09/2010 20:41

You are right. If this is what she's spending on DD's birthday, she's not poor due to lack of income, but due to spending money on showy gifts.

I guess she's the sort my Nan would label "all fur coat, no knickers".

FanjolinaJolie · 05/09/2010 20:42

That birthday list is completely OTT and really quite vile IMO.

Your DH just needs to keep paying the maintenance and I'd suggest half of the school trip, too. That is part of her education.

deakell · 05/09/2010 20:42

Well that's a little silly pagwatch! What if you and dh split, he remarries and has more kids?

Unless he's a super-earner (in which case it's not silly), why should the amount on presents stay the same?

Lulumaam · 05/09/2010 20:42

i too see both sides, pag.

however, it is utterly disingenous for the ex to say , i can't afford food or petrol because i've had to buy Ugg boots etc..

not buying the ugg boots would have filled the petrol tank several times with plenty left over for a Big Shop

Lulumaam · 05/09/2010 20:44

I'm pissed off because I'm 35 and want cardy uggs Wink

seriously, any one of those things is a fantastic birthday presnet, and teaching children the value of money is a good life skill

Nuttybear · 05/09/2010 20:44

Your in a no win situtation here! It's probably nothing to do with money but everything to do with power. She expects that her DD should have everything and he should pay not only for her but for a mother's care and attention. I would take a step back and hide money away! Shocking I know. LOok after you and yours and be strong as a rock. Treat your Step-DD to days out and attention not present to make-up for not spending money on her! OH! When My DS grows up I going to put condoms in his pockets like Ye old Mum put handkerchiefs & bus money!

Original poster
MeganFox · 05/09/2010 20:45

pagwatch - our son had £50 spent on his birthday and no party. That's what we could afford. We have no money for any luxuries - all our money goes into essentials like food/petrol/mortgage etc. He pays her a very very fair sum of money each month that is relative to his earnings. It is more than what the CSA would give her.

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 05/09/2010 20:47

I'm totally gobsmacked at what pagwatchs daughter got for her birthday!

Anyhoo, poverty is relative, alledgedly.

And lots of poor people get into huge debt for birthdays and Christmases. you don't know how much debt your DP's ex (or her current) is in.

pagwatch · 05/09/2010 20:48

fair enough Lulu
as long as DD isn't being told to cut her cloth whilt her dad and his new wife are not out buying this seasons mulberry and planning holiday in the Maldives....

If DH and I split up I expect Dcs to get the gifts they would get if we were still together. And if new wife had a problem with that I would see that as outrageous intereference

I am sure that is not what is happening here at all -
but I have close friends who seem to think that it is OK for Dcs get treated diffently depending on who their mother is

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 20:48

Pag I can kind of see what you are saying, you don't think your DD should miss out on things she would have got or that her lifestyle should change if you split up and whilst I agree in principle, it's not always possible when there is more than one roof to pay for :( If buying your DD those things meant you all had to live on beans on toast and not have enough petrol to drive to school - would you still buy them? I'm pretty sure I 'know' you well enough to know you wouldn't. I don't really know what you are suggesting should happen - are you saying her Dad should pay for her school trip and give his Ex more maintenance money? Or that he shouldn't have remarried?

I'm confused....

pagwatch · 05/09/2010 20:51

deakell

If he remarried and had more children it actually would make no difference.
But in any event I would expect him to spend the same on all his children
Although actually our children tend to have one thing they ask for and that is rarely based upon price. DD only asked for a camera.

huddspur · 05/09/2010 20:52

YANBU they have enough money to stay out of poverty but because they have their priorities wrong ie birthday presents ahead of food then they claim poverty when really it is their stupidity that is making them live like that.

pagwatch · 05/09/2010 20:54

Megan

That explains it then. If she is asking for a hugely disproportionate number of present for her DD compared to your DS then that is totally unreasonable.

Thanks for explaining. She is being foolish if she is trying to buy all those things and still plead poverty

sungirltan · 05/09/2010 20:54

i got a links of london bracelet for my birthday. i am 31!

TheBolter · 05/09/2010 20:56

Megan, you are entirely within your rights to question this expenditure because you are being asked for more money. It is absolutely your business to know that a considerable percentage of your monthly income is being used responsibly.

By the way, the list of presents she is planning to buy your dsd is excessive and totally over-indulgent, whether it can be afforded or not. I don;;t know why she thought she'd send it to you - why doesn't your dh ask her? Is she trying to score points? How sad.

pagwatch · 05/09/2010 20:56

Smile chipping
I agree with you . Of course if a split created a total diferent lifestyle fdor both of us then at that stage things change . Of course they do.
You shouldn't buy presents when you simply can't afford them. I would never do that and didn't when we were broke

pagwatch · 05/09/2010 20:59
Confused sorry - I completely side tracked this discussion trying to think of circumstances under which this woman may be being reasonable but she isn't...

Op YANBU - this woman is being silly

TheBolter · 05/09/2010 20:59

My bil is having similar issues with his exw, it is a really sore point between him and his new dw, because they now have a family to feed and clothe. Bil not only pays generous maintenance but also school fees and still it's not enough for his exw, even though she's since remarried.

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 21:01

Sorry just caught up with all the posts that popped up while I was faffing posting.

Pag - would you expect your and the DC's life not to change at all if you and your DH split up? Could you/he afford to maintain that for you and the kids and the same lifestyle in another house for him or would you all have to make adjustments?

I would guess that if you could afford to do that you would be one of the few who could.

Are you saying that parents shouldn't enter into another relationship and have other children if the 'first children' wouldn't be able to have so many presents?

deakell · 05/09/2010 21:04

That's fine pag!

My DH has a daughther from previous and to be honest, she gets more than our 3 DS, but only because she is 1) older 2) more difficult to please 3) ex-wife gives ideas for presents and they aren't cheap (not that I would buy her cheap stuff - I don't really know what she likes other than books!)

I would never expect my DH to treat children from previous marriage different to ours, nor should anybody

Original poster
MeganFox · 05/09/2010 21:06

Going off to watch "U Be Dead" now in case anyone is looking for me - will check back later - thanks for the replies so far Smile.

OP posts:
justonemorethen · 05/09/2010 21:07

YANBU

If you split up surely you cannot expect your circumstances to remain what they were Pagwatch.

The money he gives for his daughter is all that his wife can budget with. Why expect him to pay more when trips and birthdays turn up?
If you are a couple the money that comes in doesn't suddenly go up does it? You have to plan and budget.

If you are the one who has custody then it's part of your job to sort out the money. He doesn't have custody and pays whatever the amount agreed is. Since he's doing this I can't see why everyone expects him to pay more because his ex wants him too.

grapeandlemon · 05/09/2010 21:08

All those gifts Shock

I think I would get one of those pressies for MY birthdays at 32!

What will she have to look forward to? Honestly shocked. How silly that they have Beans for dinner to buy all that designer stuff.

lilyliz · 05/09/2010 21:09

It's not how much money you have but what you spend it on.I know plenty families with good incomes who spend on non essentials and then moan about not having enough to pay bills etc and plenty surviving on JSA who manage to pay their way and do without the luxuries (to them,maybe not us).

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/09/2010 21:12

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