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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to slap my sister?

67 replies

asouthwoldmummy · 04/09/2010 12:05

My sister is currently 31 weeks pregnant with her first DC. She and her DP have bought a second-hand pram on eBay which came with a used car seat, which they are planning to use. He runs his own fairly successful business and she earns a good wage and plans to return full-time so they can easily afford a new one. I asked how would she know it hadn't been in an accident and she replied that she'd be able to tell.

She is also still smoking around 15 a day. Mum confronted her about this yesterday. Her reply was that she knows the baby is fine because she can feel it kicking! (as if that's the only indication of a healthy baby?!)

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 04/09/2010 12:07

Oh dear I'd back away for your own sanity if I were you. Are you close? YANBU by the way but try not to go through with it Wink

BellasFormerFriend · 04/09/2010 12:08

NYB (not your business) sorry.

frustrating maybe but it is her child and her life, you need to distance yourself, sorry!

Altinkum · 04/09/2010 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatDamnDog · 04/09/2010 12:11

YANBU to want to slap her. But I don't think you should.

taintedpaint · 04/09/2010 12:13

Are you sure they aren't having money worries and are too proud to say? I can't believe anyone would willingly put their child at risk like that, especially when they have the financial means not to. You could ignore this under the guise of it not being your business, but if you think you've got a hope of getting your sister to see sense, it might be worth a shot at gently coaxing her to see she is wrong. Difficult to find the balance though, between that and pushing her away.

mamadiva · 04/09/2010 12:20

I can understand where you are coming from on this but it's one of those situations y9ou need to keep your mouth shut and hope everything turns out ok!

Your sister is a grown up and has hopefully done her own research into the seller on Ebay, I would'nt imagine there are many (if any) who would sell a dodgy car seat as the results could be catastrophic. It's not something I would do but there lots of people who do use 2nd hand car seats as they are used for such a short period it seems a shame to just throw away.

If you feel so strongly about it you could buy her a new one and say you had already bought it as a gift before she got the other one which is why you came across quite strongly about it?.

With regards to the smoking sadly there are many who do ignore the risks, I know a few p0eople who have done but again it's something only the mother to be can decide on. :)

Ariesgirl · 04/09/2010 12:21

Agree with the smoking bit, but there is far too much good stuff thrown away because people are too proud to buy second hand.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/09/2010 12:22

Look, this business about second hand car seats is largely put about by scaremongering manufacturers who want to boost their sales.

And while it's OK to be annoyed, you are not your sister's boss or owner so keep your beak out.

StealthPolarBear · 04/09/2010 12:23

I can't believe people are saying this is none of your busness - she is your sister and the baby is your nephew/niece! Of course you care, and if there's ever a situation to stick your nose in, this is it! Does your mum share your worries?

Original poster
asouthwoldmummy · 04/09/2010 12:26

Aries I agree with what you are saying about second-hand but how much can you trust a random eBay seller? Of course they'd say it hadn't been in an accident even if it had.

I know it may be none of my business but it seems cruel that when DH and I are desperately awaiting IVF she is having a baby she doesn't seem to give a shit about. Sorry for ranting!

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 04/09/2010 12:26

Agree with SGB about car seats am sure that'll be ok. Smoking while pg or even around dcs makes my blood boil though Angry You should at least cut right down. And I have smoked on/off for years but just have the odd one now. Never near to children though. Very much doubt she'll take any notice of you so just back off and let her get on with it.

maryz · 04/09/2010 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Supercherry · 04/09/2010 13:06

I really don't think the car seat thing is that big a deal to be honest. Not great but then not the crime of the century either.

The smoking is shit but there isn't really anyhting you can do.

Wanting to slap someone to get your point across is a bit weird in an adult. Why don't you just talk to her?

My sister and I have the kind of relationship where we would just speak our minds. No harm in giving your opinion but don't keep harping on about. Say what you think and then leave it there.

nancydrewrocked · 04/09/2010 13:10

Ah your OP makes more sense now you've added the bit about desparately trying for your own baby.

But it also makes it even more important that you back off - your sister is an adult and entitled to make her own judgements.

FWIW - I think smoking when pregnant is rubbish but re the carseats I think the risk is overstated and agree with SGB.

TrillianAstra · 04/09/2010 13:12

If you are extra sensitive due to waiting for IVF you should probably put that in the OP before you get a kicking for being interfering and judgemental.

MrsVidic · 04/09/2010 13:16

back off- you can't make her stop smoking- she is the only one who can. As for the car seat thing - why not buy her a new one as your gift to the baby if you can afford it- other than this there is nothing you can do.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2010 13:22

YANBU to want to slap her. She's your sister, you're probably not being that unreasonable to actually do so! However, it's probably best to refrain!! Wink

I'm sorry you're going throught the agony of IVF, it does make it harder to take a step back from it all... :(

I wouldn't trust anyone on Ebay to tell the truth about anything - that's not to say there aren't some great people on there, but there are some complete idiots on there as well.

Why not find some info/research and give it to her to read - hopefully she might see sense and buy a new car seat &/or stop smoking, but tbh if she's happy to smoke through her pregnancy she's probably not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

invisibleink · 04/09/2010 14:17

I agree with chippigin.

Sorry to hear about your wait with IVF. :(

ivykaty44 · 04/09/2010 14:26

How someone else spends their own income is entilerly up to them. If they wish to buy second hand goods and are not sure of the quality - again it is up to them

It is not yet illegal to smoke whilst you are pregnant, ciggarets are legally purchased form various shops, it is none of your mothers, or your business what your sister does with her body. Whether that is she effects the health of your nibling and if detrimental, sad as it is that smoking will effect the weight and health long temr of the child there is nothing you can do

Bloodymary · 04/09/2010 14:28

YANBU, tho you can do nothing about her smoking.
My (estranged) Daughter took heroin whilst pregnant, try getting your head around that one!

Original poster
asouthwoldmummy · 04/09/2010 15:34

I suppose that puts in in perspective!

OP posts:
Animation · 04/09/2010 15:34

Don't slap het - but speak as you find. Smoking when she's pregnant is your business - children are everyone's business.

Tell her to pack it in.

DetectivePotato · 04/09/2010 16:20

YANBU. I wouldn't risk a second hand carseat unless it was from a friend, just in case. She sounds like she is being pig headed by saying that she coud tell.

The smoking thing really pisses me off too. Yes ok, it is no ones business really but that poor baby. Yes I'm sure it won't have any problems at all because it is kicking. Hmm

Idiotic thing to say. She does sound very selfish tbh.

I used to smoke, as did DH. When we were told we needed IVF, we both stopped. Luckily I did get pregnant just before IVF was due to start but it was that kick up the ass that I needed to quit. Being pregnant should do that too.

Supercherry · 04/09/2010 18:08

Animation, I am uncomfortable with the idea that while a woman is pregnant, what she does is everyone's business.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2010 20:01

Well supercherry the baby is a little bit too small to speak up for itself - so decent human beings must do so on its behalf :(