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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to slap my sister?

67 replies

asouthwoldmummy · 04/09/2010 12:05

My sister is currently 31 weeks pregnant with her first DC. She and her DP have bought a second-hand pram on eBay which came with a used car seat, which they are planning to use. He runs his own fairly successful business and she earns a good wage and plans to return full-time so they can easily afford a new one. I asked how would she know it hadn't been in an accident and she replied that she'd be able to tell.

She is also still smoking around 15 a day. Mum confronted her about this yesterday. Her reply was that she knows the baby is fine because she can feel it kicking! (as if that's the only indication of a healthy baby?!)

OP posts:
fuschiagroan · 04/09/2010 20:04

Ah dear... those words open a BIG can of worms chipping

Supercherry · 04/09/2010 20:13

Yeah ChippingIn, so the woman morphs into a baby carrier and loses all her human rights? That's the bit I'm uncomfortable with.

ApocalypseFlangePop · 04/09/2010 20:20

I knew somebody who used a second hand carseat for months (given to her )

It was only when she took the cover off to watch it she discovered a huge crack going down the back of it Shock

It had probably been dropped or somesuch, thank god they didnt have any accidents.

tholeon · 04/09/2010 22:09

In your circs I would probably want to slap my sister too. I had ivf so I know how it feels. Best of luck with it.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 04/09/2010 22:31

I cannot belie4ve that people choose to turn a blind eye to the proven risks associated with smoking in pregnancy. there are children with all sorts of preventable breathing problems because of this

SolidGoldBrass · 05/09/2010 01:11

Look, smoking in pregnancy is not lethal (or, yet again, there would be rather less of a population problem and less worry about abortion access). It's not great, sure, but it still remains the business of the pregnant woman what she does with her body. NOBODY ELSE has a right to interfere, because women are people not incubators.

greenbananas · 05/09/2010 01:43

The car seat: very few mums would sell a sub-standard car seat to another mum. I know the advice is against her, but I think your sis has taken an 'acceptable risk' - not that I would have done it...

About the smoking... I smoked about 4 a day during pregnancy and will always wonder if this triggered my DS's severe multiple food allergies. However, my MIL smoked about 40 a day while pregnant with each of her 3 children and says it did them no harm.

Smoking is bad. Your sister already knows it is. Telling her so will only harm your relationship - and she may well need you quite badly once the baby is born.

Animation · 05/09/2010 08:20

SolidGoldBrass - Not lethal? How not lethal?

moogster1a · 05/09/2010 08:42

What a terrible judgemental thing to say she doesn't give a shit about her unborn baby.
How on earth do you know? has she told you that? If not you should be ashamed saying that.
Buying a second hand car seat and not being able to give up cigs. at a stressful time does not mean she doesn't care.
I'm sure she knows smoking can lead to a lower birth weight and if she could give up / cut down , I'm sure she would ( I'm a non - smoker by the way ).
there's nothing wrong with buying a second hand car seat. I nearly always buy second hand as I hate the wasteful culture most people have,it doesn't mean i don't care about my children. I'm sure she checked it to ensure it's safe.
i think you need to get a grip on your IVF induced hormones and keep quiet!

asouthwoldmummy · 05/09/2010 09:11

I quit smoking when we started ttc, it's what responsible people do. Isn't smoking in pregnancy and around babies one of the highest risk factors associated with cot death? If you know this and smoke anyway then imo you don't give a shit! Just my opinion though!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 05/09/2010 10:30

Animation: Not lethal as in: not everyone who smokes in pregnancy has the baby die in the womb. SOmething being associated with higher risks is not the same as something directly and invariably causing a negative effect.
WHile people who are struggling with TTC and IVF are suffering, angry and miserable, I'm afraid that doesn't entitle them to police the behaviour of other women. WOmen are not walking incubators. What they do while PG is their business and not yours.

Animation · 05/09/2010 11:01

So lethal as in not causing death in the womb you mean.

Would you say smoking is lethal - as in causing a risk to the baby's development- whilst in the womb?

Kewcumber · 05/09/2010 11:06

Sorry - I have been in your position but stay out of it and try to switch off. Your mum has obviously had a go at her about it and you chipping in won't help... either of you.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/09/2010 20:46

Animation: dictionary definition of lethal = causing or capable of causing death; fatal or deadly.

That is not a definition which includes 'causing a risk to development'. Smoking while pregnant is not a good idea, but it is not invariably lethal. Or we wouldn't have an overpopulation problem by now.

Animation · 05/09/2010 20:53

"but it is not invarably lethal"

Thank heavens for that then.

Are you a smoker SolidGoldBrass?

asouthwoldmummy · 06/09/2010 14:44

That'll be a yes then. Smokers only get defensive because they know how rank it is (esp in pregnancy)!

OP posts:
Edinburghlass · 06/09/2010 21:30

To be honest I'm surprised how many people are suggesting you should respect your sister's choice to do as she likes. Second hand car seats from strangers and smoking must be a "no no". However I do also agree that there's a limit to what you can say and do. Could you offer to go with her to take the car seat to the local police / Mothercare for them to have a look and say if it has signs of damage? I agree you could get her some factual info re the dangers of smoking. At that stage, I'm sorry to say there may not be much more you can do.

splashy · 06/09/2010 23:53

Wrt the used car seat, I got one via freecycle for my baby. I have very little money atm and it will only be used for very occasional journeys as I don't have a car. Do people really think this makes me a bad parent?

Agree about the smoking.

Kewcumber · 06/09/2010 23:55

I don;t think anyone is suggesting she "respects" her sisters choice just that, like it or not it is her sisters choice.

booyhoo · 06/09/2010 23:55

agree with SPB -thats as far as i got.

midori1999 · 07/09/2010 00:43

Well, obviously you can't slap a pregnant woman (or maybe any woman unless they really, really annoyed you... Grin ) but YADNBU.

I get so fed up with everyone's 'women are people not incubators' and 'it's none of your business'. If it's no-one's business whether someone chooses to use an unsafe car seat, why is it anyone's business if someone hits their child, or leaves them home alone? It's partly because people think thinsg aren't their business that adults are able to get away with treating children appallingly and abusing them.

I never get why people think it's acceptable to smoke whilst pregnant (as women are people, not incubators) but not for them to get blind drunk, jack up heroin or take part in other reckless and non 'mainstream' behaviour. Personally, I think smokers store up a barrage of excuses to reel out to others ot justify they habit. They can never just be honest and say 'well. it probably won't do any harm, so I can't be arsed to give up completely'. Hmm

MrsCrafty · 07/09/2010 01:14

Yep you are. Each to their own. I smoked throughout my pregnancies and still do albeit outside.

I also bought a 2nd hand car seat, looked very carefully at the polystyrene and plastic and decided that it hadn't been in an accident. It wasn't hard, there were no dents etc.

There you go shoot me.

MrsCrafty · 07/09/2010 01:22

Well, obviously you can't slap a pregnant woman (or maybe any woman unless they really, really annoyed you... ) but YADNBU.

I get so fed up with everyone's 'women are people not incubators' and 'it's none of your business'. If it's no-one's business whether someone chooses to use an unsafe car seat, why is it anyone's business if someone hits their child, or leaves them home alone? It's partly because people think thinsg aren't their business that adults are able to get away with treating children appallingly and abusing them.

I never get why people think it's acceptable to smoke whilst pregnant (as women are people, not incubators) but not for them to get blind drunk, jack up heroin or take part in other reckless and non 'mainstream' behaviour. Personally, I think smokers store up a barrage of excuses to reel out to others ot justify they habit. They can never just be honest and say 'well. it probably won't do any harm, so I can't be arsed to give up completely'.

I expect you do feel like that because you are not a smoker. I hate smoking and am continually trying to give it up.

I expect you are also perfect and never shout or abuse your children, because lets face it, shouting is abuse. I bet you only feed your kids organic cheese on toast because to do anything else would be child abuse. Let's get onto your relationship with your partner. Wow, is it really perfect. I hope your kids don't hear you bickering or telling him that he isn't good enough.......... I could go on and on.

Don't farking judge you silly person as I bet there are aspects of your life that could be pulled apart and leave you absolutely ripped and bleeding!

MrsCrafty · 07/09/2010 01:23

That was aimed at Midori by the way

morgan55 · 07/09/2010 01:27

people who smoke while pregnant are idiots. i smoked 20 a day for nearly 15 years but gave up as soon as i discovered i was pregnant. is it really that hard to quit for nine months when you consider that your sad habit could have lifelong consequences for your child?? there is no justification for it, and makes my blood boil when i see people doing it. makes me even angrier when i listen to people moaning that it's just too hard to quit, it's their body and their choice, etc. grow up

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