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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want bf to adopt dd?

54 replies

garcialei5 · 01/09/2010 23:12

Sorry this is so long - wanted to include all details.

My DD was 13 months old when her father was killed in Iraq. He'd joined the army way before we'd even got together. When I found out I was pregnant, he was really excited. He returned home for her birth and first few months before having to go back again. Obviously, you can imagine what it was like for us when he died. His parents leant quite heavily on us as my DD was his only child. Two years ago (DD is now 5) I met someone and he has been amazing with DD - always treating her like his own.

Recently though, he asked if he could adopt her. This came about because if we go on have children of our own someday, he doesn't want them to have different surnames. I immediatly said no because, although he's been like a dad to her, he's just not. I know that sounds harsh but DD is very aware of her dad (she asks about him almost every night and grandparents show her lots of photos). She doesn't call my boyfriend dad or anything. But he's really upset now that I have said no to the adoption, he says he has raised her like his own so we should do it. I even caught him asking her to call him daddy the other day. She was appalled, bless her, and told him she already had a daddy in heaven which made him ever madder. I've had his sister call me up just to tell me that I'm selfish and his mother will not speak to me as she thinks the adoption is a good idea.

Am I totally wasting my time on this? Is he ever going to let up?

OP posts:

ValiumSingleton · 01/09/2010 23:16

So he's bringing up adoption before marriage?!

He's committing to your daughter before he's committing to you! That is putting the cart before the horse imo.

He must see that surely?!

MrsRhettButler · 01/09/2010 23:17

YA SOOOOO NBU i can't believe he is even giving you a hard time about this!

i would have seriously had a go at him for trying to make dd call him daddy!

nickschic · 01/09/2010 23:17

I dont know if he can adopt her so to speak, she has a living parent and a non living one so theres no-one to really disagree.

I dont think theres an easy answer to this and I really respect your strength.

Is it possible that you explain that he can be 'like' a Dad to her she could call him Daddy mark or whatever as opposed to her 'real' Dad,I see exactly where your coming from but lifes too short (as you know ) for a little girl to grow up without a daddy figure.

I think your bf has v good intentions but its going to need careful treading.

ValiumSingleton · 01/09/2010 23:18

ps, he's amazing with your daughter you say, but what's he like with you? You don't really say. I think you should listen to your instinct.

If he loves your daughter then he won't let your reservations prevent him from continuing to be a good father-figure will he?

Spero · 01/09/2010 23:19

My honest opinion is that it sounds very worrying that you say 'which made him even madder' and 'his mother will not speak to me'.

Do you really want to be considering having children with a man who sounds very emotionally immature, ditto his mother?

I can quite understand why he would want to adopt your daughter, and on one level it sounds lovely and like he really wants to commit to you as a family. But on the other hand, if you and your daughter are not comfortable with it for WHATEVER reason, his reaction should not be to get 'mad' but to talk to you, try to understand what is going on and see what you can work out together.

His reaction, and his mother's, sound rather worrying.

Kiwiinkits · 01/09/2010 23:22

I think he should commit to you properly first. He should at least be your husband for a couple of years (and her step-Dad) before you should even consider the adoption.

NonnoMum · 01/09/2010 23:23

Poor you - v difficult.

Not sure of the legality of adopting when the biological father is deceased. And how would her grandparents feel? And she obviously has very strong feelings about her Daddy in heaven (v sweet).

So, not at all unreasonable of you.

Go carefully. I bet Relate (or similar) could give you good advice, as it seems like everyone has good intentions...

MadameDefarge · 01/09/2010 23:23

hm. A bit tangled, this one. Your dd has been brought up to think of of her absent, then dead father, all the time. I find it strange that she is still asking after him every day, to me this seems somewhat unusual, and not particularly healthy. Is there some part of you that idealises her father to the point of fixation?

For your bf, and I note you call him boyfriend rather than dp, this idolisation of a dead parent must be hard to take. He has loved and cared for your daughter for two years, and wants to be a proper dad to her, hard to do if you continue to hold up the absent, therefore, idealised parent as the ultimate in parent, which, by default, makes him feel inadequate.

On the other hand, its absolutely nothing to do with his mother, so that is pretty weird that she even feels ok to get pissy with you about this.

Is there anyway in which you are finding it hard to move forward and transferring this to your dd? Children need parents, and if you want her to have a a daddy now and in the future, then why deprive your dd of a real living parent, another daddy, if you will, who loves her as much as her real, first daddy?

Sorry to sound harsh, but a real live dad in her live is more useful to her in the long run than and dead, idealised version of a dad.

But that is all moot if you are not sure this man is the right man for you, and the right man to be your dd's new dad.

If you do become a family, then its only natural that she calls him dad, and comes to see him as her new father. That is healthy.

Only you can decide this.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2010 23:24

Yes, serious alarm bells here as well. This man sounds like he thinks women and children are possessions, and that he wants to put his mark on you and your DD. Tell this knob that your DD doesn't want to be adopted by him and he can either accept that or fuck off for good.

poshwellies · 01/09/2010 23:28

He sounds like he has control issues tbh.

I have a dp whose step parent to my dd,we got together when she was 5.He NEVER attempted to call himself 'Dad' he went by his first name and said it was up to dd to decide on what she used.She calls him by his first name and she's now 15.

It's your daughter's choice but at 5,she's too young to decide imo.

Your dp should be happy within your family unit,names and adoption do not make a father.

wineandroses · 01/09/2010 23:30

It is rather odd that he should get mad about your response. And his family should not be sticking their oars in either. If it doesn't feel right to you then it isn't and he needs to drop it. You also need to make it clear that your daughter will be the one to choose if she ever wants to call him dad and that he shouldn't raise it again with her. Sounds like a bit of a sulky arse - clearly thought he was making a lovely gesture and is cross as thinks you threw it back - without ever considering the strength of feeling about your DD's actual father. Yanbu.

mamatomany · 01/09/2010 23:31

If you marry he automatically has a legal relationship I believe, I was told their was no need for my DH to adopt my eldest when we got married as he would be seen as her father if i died or anything like that because my daughter only has me as the other parent.

foreverastudent · 01/09/2010 23:36

IIRC he cannot legally adopt her unless you 2 are married for at least a year before applying.

He doesn't have to adopt her to change her name, though. You can do this any time for any reason.

Danthe4th · 01/09/2010 23:37

I know this is nuts but for him to adopt your daughter you both have to go through the adoption process. Its not just a case of signing a peice of paper.
I re-married with 2 dd's who I name changed by deed poll and for my new husband to have adopted them I also had to adopt them with him!!
I can't remember all the legalities as it was quite complicated and wasn't cheap.

Spero · 01/09/2010 23:37

If you marry and he treats her as a 'child of the family' that has legal implications, such as his duty to maintain her etc.

But the issue here is not the legal status of his relationship with her but his and his family's reaction to the situation. It is not helpful and has the potential to be abusive. How on earth does his mother think she is helping the situation?

agree with those who say he has control issues.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2010 23:38

I agree with what spero and SGB have said, it's nice that he's asked to adopt her and feel responsible for looking after her, but as soon as you've said you'd rather not the subject should have been dropped.

To keep on and on at you, bringing in other people to try to manipulate you into feeling you should let him, to me, is unforgivable and a bit creepy.

It does beg the question of why? He's already living with you and looking after her, why would he be desperate to want it legally formalised in such a way?

ChippingIn · 01/09/2010 23:45

I would be quite concerned about his reaction too - he sounds quite controlling and manipulative.

In this kind of a situation, the child calling the adult Daddy should come from the child, not the adult and him trying to get her to do it behind your back is not a good thing!

It doesn't sound like he said to you, I really love you & DD and want to spend the rest of my life with you both - I want us to get married and I would love to adopt DD. Which would be sweet (even if you didn't want it to happen).

You call him your BF not your DP...

and at the end you say 'Am I totally wasting my time on this' - it sounds to me like he's hard work & controlling and that you often give in to him over things and you'd rather not.

Original poster

garcialei5 · 02/09/2010 00:30

Thanks for all of your replies. You've been very helpful.

To those asking - Jon is a good boyfriend most of the time but it is this incident that has made me doubt the relationship. My family like him so I thought I was imagining his control issues that you seem to have picked up on.

MadameDefarge - After starting nursery, DD asked to hear stories about her father. She says she hears the other kids talking about their dads and so she wants to do the same. It had gotten to the point where she was talking about him every night which -although we are glad she is so open about it- we thought it might be a bit much for her so we try to distract her with princess stories :)

foreverastudent - Oh really? I wasn't aware of that actually. Thanks for letting me know!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 02/09/2010 00:36

Lots of families say they like a persons DP when they're with them only to say 'well I never liked him anyway' after you split.

I don't think they do it for nasty reason, but rather to not rock the boat, as obviously you do like the person and they don't want to sever ties with you.

Perhaps you could say to your mum or dad that you're a bit unsure of your bf and would they be able to be frank about the way they see him, often it's easier to see these things from outside the situation.

ChippingIn · 02/09/2010 00:42

We're more savy than most family members - not to mention more outspoken!!

I not sure if 'foreverastudent' has the right info actually (she may do, but I don't think so, as you don't have to be married to adopt), but anyway - I think that should be a long, long, long way off - if ever.

Don't ignore your gut instinct because of your family, they may mean well, but they don't always see 'the real person', they want you to have someone to 'look after you', they want you to be happy and sometimes they don't look past that.

Please also watch out that he doesn't feel like he's rescued you from being a widow and a fatherless child - so you 'owe' him & should be grateful to him.... it will be subtle at first.

gtamom · 02/09/2010 06:50

I wouldn't at this point. And he is a bit nervy to ask her to call him daddy when you guys are not even married! His mother needs to mind her own business.

prozacfairy · 02/09/2010 07:01

YANBU. You said no, for the right reasons, and as DD's mother your boyfriend and his family should respect that.

at him having the cheek to ask your DD to call him daddy and then get mad at her when she refuses to. Does he not realise how much he could alienate your daughter as she grows up?

porcamiseria · 02/09/2010 09:24

I think you should stick to your guns on this one

5DollarShake · 02/09/2010 09:36

What a difficult situation for you. :(

Your DP is being rather immature and selfish, from my POV. He us making this all about him and his needs, rather than the needs of a little girl. He is the adult - it is her and her wishes that should take precedence, especially over something as sensitive and meaningful as her relationship with her father.

He needs to take a few steps back and realise that this is not about him. One of the first lessons you learn as a parent is that sometimes you have to put their needs ahead of your own. If he is really THAT keen to be her Dad, then he has to be prepared to back down over this.

That would say far more about his ability to father her than adopting her or her calling him Daddy.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest, but also don't envy you your predicament.

JaneS · 02/09/2010 09:37

I don't want to disagree with any of the advice on here, especially the posts that are concerned with your boyfriend being controlling.

But, I can also see it must be very difficult for him. If he stays with you, he can never really escape the shadow of your first partner. You've been grieving for someone who died as a hero, who will always be your DD's dad. I do see that it puts your current partner in a much trickier position that the more usual step-dad role. But I think you need to ask him why he's getting so upset and angry about this - it could be he's not naturally a controlling person but is getting frustrated by always seeming to be second best?

Hope you don't mind me saying that. It must be a really difficult time for you.

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