to not want bf to adopt dd?

[garcialei5]

Sorry this is so long - wanted to include all details.

My DD was 13 months old when her father was killed in Iraq. He'd joined the army way before we'd even got together. When I found out I was pregnant, he was really excited. He returned home for her birth and first few months before having to go back again. Obviously, you can imagine what it was like for us when he died. His parents leant quite heavily on us as my DD was his only child. Two years ago (DD is now 5) I met someone and he has been amazing with DD - always treating her like his own.

Recently though, he asked if he could adopt her. This came about because if we go on have children of our own someday, he doesn't want them to have different surnames. I immediatly said no because, although he's been like a dad to her, he's just not. I know that sounds harsh but DD is very aware of her dad (she asks about him almost every night and grandparents show her lots of photos). She doesn't call my boyfriend dad or anything. But he's really upset now that I have said no to the adoption, he says he has raised her like his own so we should do it. I even caught him asking her to call him daddy the other day. She was appalled, bless her, and told him she already had a daddy in heaven which made him ever madder. I've had his sister call me up just to tell me that I'm selfish and his mother will not speak to me as she thinks the adoption is a good idea.

Am I totally wasting my time on this? Is he ever going to let up?

Wow I'll hide this from DH as he's in the army and it's it worst fear that he'll die and someone else will muscle in on his children.

The GP issue would need to be addressed as once adopted they would have no legal status in relation to your DD so if you dies they would have no chance of getting custody etc. I can imagine, that having lost their son, they would be reluctant to say the least to give up their rights to their Granddaughter.

I think you two need to do some serious, calm talking.

Looking at it from his point of view, I'm guessing he feels like he has done everything that could be asked of a man going out with a single parent/widow, and more, so I understand he might be getting frustrated about things not moving forward.

However, you need to have a sensible conversation about things like the 'Daddy' issue so your DD doesn't end up stuck in the middle.

I think the fact that he is thinking about adopting your DD is a positive sign, tbh. It shows that he is thinking about her welfare if anything were to happen to you, and is planning to build a long-term future with you. It also means, and I know this is obvious - that he considers her 'his' and you wouldn't have the step-child double standards that you read about so often here.

But YOUR relationship with him has to be priority no. 1, not his relationship with your DD, or his relationship with his Mum (who frankly, is entirely irrelevant here, and I'd be insisting that he doesn't discuss private matters with her anymore, although you have to show him the same courtesy).

Maybe ask yourself if there is anything more you feel you need from him? He can't be your DD's biological dad, and he can't bring him back, but that's not his fault, but if he is the right man for you (and your DD) I think you need to start working (together) towards buildling a future together.

As others have said it isnt that easy to actually adopt your own child....

I can speak personally.

ex wife remarries
meets new man
marries
biological father not on scene
biological father is asked if new husband could adopt 'their' dc ,so they all assume same family name etc etc.
biological father agrees
social workers visit biological father he agrees to adoption,social worker meets his new partner and their child.
social worker 'objects' to adoption as she sees a different biological father to what has been described-she sees him in a loving relationship with his 'other family and child' and thinks that this isnt what had been described.

almost 4 years later with the children now late teens and leaving school adoption is finalised.

yanbu
I don't doubt he's doing this for the right reasons but this is one incident where you have to accept that all opinions/desires aren't equal or worthy of the same weight. Yours and your daughters far outweigh his in this instance.

I wouldn't immediately jump to say your bf is a control freak, and I don't think he's "muscling in" on your dd either. It seems to me that he sees the three of you as one family and just wants to formalise that. He maybe was also trying to reassure you that having his own child with you at some point wasn't going to affect the reltionship he has with your dd.
He maybe hasn't reacted in the best way when you said no, but he's probably feeling quite hurt.
I lost dh 6 years ago, and although kids and I talk about him often, and they both have photos in their rooms and home movies we can watch - they certainly don't ask about him every day or ask questions all the time. I'd be more worried about that tbh, and your bf is bound to find it hard to live up to.

Imagine how your DD's dads family will feel if their DGD has been adopted by another man after her dad had been killed?

I don't think you should let him do it. He should understand why you don't want to and leave it at that, not go behind your back and ask her to call him daddy. Luckily your DD knows about her real dad.

Horrible situation to be in but if anything happened to my DH, I wouldn't be letting DS call anyone else daddy or let him be adopted by them.

Obviously it is totally up to you though. Don't be held to 'ransom' by his sister on at you and saying their mother won't speak to you. I would be thinking very carefully about the whole thing. If you have any children together in the future, are your DP's family going to treat your DD differently because of this?

Alarm bells ringing.
He and his mother - she won't speak to you? Immature or what?
And sister ganging up?
Run for the hills.

I am just giving you my experience.
My dad left when I was three (not the same as a death I appreciate) I did have regular contact with him when I was younger (sadly not at all now but thats another story)

My step dad came along when I was 5 and he wanted to adopt me so we had the same name etc. My 'real' dad refused.

I still called my step dad 'Dad' and my real Dad 'Dad' not a problem

as for the name - you can call the surname anything you like you dont need to go through deed poll or anything like that. I was "Jones -Williams "(not my real name)
That way I had the same name as my later siblings but still had my Dads name too.

This worked really well and could be a solution for you.

I can understand that he feels he is the 'Dad' and wants everyone to feel that he she is his which is lovely. My own step Dad in my eyes really is my Dad, he has brought me up, sat and struggled with homework, boyfriends etc

her deceased dad has the luxury of always being perfect in his childs eyes, its a hard act to follow for the step dad.

It is nice that your BF wants to adopt your DD and it shows he wants her and the children you have together to all be seen as equal.

Only you know if his reaction is because he is controlling generally or just that he is hurt you have said no.

Maybe you need to discuss it with him and reach a compromise. You could add his name to your DDs when you marry although I would never drop her fathers name. Explain her Grandparents position and that they must be a major part of her life. When it comes down to it if you stay together he will be the one teaching her to ride a bike and walking her down the aisle. He doesn't need to adopt her to be her father.

I think I would agree that the more usual way for your bf to formalise your family situation would be to marry you first - not to adopt your daughter.

If this isn't happening because either of you is not ready or willing to get married at this point then any adoption really does have to wait until you both make that commitment to each other.

I also think he's being a little bit insensitive about your daughter's feelings. I agree that the relationship needs to be dictated by her, not by him. She might feel like giving him a special name that is not daddy, but gives him a status. Would that be a compromise?

Your reasons for saying no are absolutely valid and reasonable (and I'd say exactly the same in your situation). Your DD fairly obviously wouldn't want to be adopted by him (assuming she understood what it entails). If you all wanted DD to change her name that could be done without your partner adopting her (although personally I wouldn't do that either).

I too have alarm bells going off over his reaction and that of his family.

Why does he want to adopt your dd before getting married to YOU? If it's all about making things all legal, then surely the marriage should come first? And I agree that his mother's and sister's reactions are not very mature.

Adoption isn't automatically going to change her name, is it? If he's that keen on having the same name, you could always get married and he could change his name to yours/hers? Seriously.

I agree that it's odd he wants to adopt her but not to marry you, I would go with your feelings on this.

And what does your DD feel about it - does she understand what adoption is? Maybe she's not old enough to decide, but surely old enough to have her feelings taken into consideration in making the decision?

If your DD's dad were still alive then presumably you and he would still be together? It sounds to me like your new partner and his family are trying to pretend that isn't the case (or overwrite it).

I would be extremely wary of a man whose sister and mother take his side when he's really not being at all reasonable. And getting involved at all sets my alarm bells ringing. Not to mention him 'getting madder' when your DD says she already has a daddy in heaven.

if you amrry you can apply for PR for him which gives him virtually same rights as adoption.

but his mother and sister's involvement sound good reasons to think very carefully about this man...

see
www.alternativefamilylaw.co.uk/en/children/parental-responsibility.htm#5

Stepparents
Stepparents, i.e. the spouse or the civil partner of the father or the mother, can get parental responsibility by a similar parental responsibility agreement or by court order. This only works for spouses and same-sex civil partners and not for cohabitants. All parents who already have parental responsibility must sign the agreement. Therefore if the father already has parental responsibility and he refuses to sign, the mother?s spouse or civil partner would need to apply to the court for a parental responsibility order. The father?s spouse or civil partner can of course also get parental responsibility in the same way.

If you and your partner are not married or civil partners and do not plan to do so, the only way for both to get parental responsibility is if the court makes a joint residence order.

I agree with lady biscuit. Also wanting to adopt a child when you aren't even married to the mother sounds totally the wrong way round. It sounds as though he's more interested in control and appearances than building up the realtionships.

If you choose to commit to and marry each other then him adopting her may be an option several years down the line, but I don't see what the rush is.

If you split up with this bloke then he will have parental responsibility for your daughter and you'll have to consider him if you then meet a more considerate bloke who your daughter thinks of as her father.

To me adoption of a partners child is something that happens years into the relationship when married and when the child thinks of the man as her father anyway so it's just a formality.

You sound at least 3 years off this point. He's just using it as a control and power issue.

You should never force a child who isn't your biological child to call you mum or dad.

Also what about your exhusband's relatives? Are they still in your daughter's life. If their son was killed they may resent another man adopting her so soon and feel they are being ousted as grandparents, and losing their grand daughter as well as their son.
Do you still see your ex inlaws?

Have you looked at the option of your DP getting formal "Parental Responsibility" for DD (you have to be married for this though I think)

I can understand your reluctance re adoption (even leaving aside any perceived "controlling" issues) as he will never be DD's Dad, but this way he can be her "parent" IYKWIM.

It means DD keeps her legal link with her Dad & her Dad's family, but your DP can also be a "second Dad" for want of a better term. (Adoption effectively means that DD's Dad stops being her Dad legally)

You also need to think about what you want to happen with DD if something happens to you (sorry being morbid here) If you would want her to stay with DP (and potentially any future children you have together) then PR is a way to ensure this. As things stand there is no guarantee this would happen (depends if DD's paternal grnadparents or any other relatives "fight" for custody of her)

I agree with all other wise ones on this thread.

OP you sound very mature and reasonable on here - presumably you must be just as sensible and reasonable in real life when you are putting across your POV to your DP, so for him to harp on about it rings warning bells in my brain as well.

And for his family to muscle in. Well, it has bugger all to do with them.

Your DD's grandparents on her father's side will be so unimaginably hurt by the adoption, that would be a sticking pioint for me.

Well done you for sticking to your principles on this, it would be so easy to say 'oh go on then' for an easy life. The fact that you have stood up to him on this is good.

I can see your BF's POV and reasons why he would want to adopt, but his subsequent reaction and childishness have outwieghed all his good intentions. I would watch him very carefully from now on.

typed too slow, cestlavielife beat me to it...

You know you could change her surname without adoption.

Perhaps you could suggest adoption once you have other kids too. Or when she is old enough to choose for herself.

One thing is your boyfriend, another thing is his family. His family alone would make me run for the hills! If my inlaws had behaved in such a way, I would never have married my dh, as I would realize he came part and parcel with a couple of unreasonable ogres, and I would not want them in my family.

Having said that, I am also surprised that he is not opting for the more natural progression of your relationship by asking you to marry him. If he is not ready to commit to you I find it odd that he wants to committ to your dd. Very odd.

does he realise that if he adopts her she wont inherit from her bioological grandparents?

Goodness - I assume since you aren't engaged yet that you don't even know if you want to stay with each other in the long-term, let alone adopt children!!

YADNBU. Utter lunacy to want to adopt someone else's child before you've even married them/made a long-term commitment, etc. And his family can go to hell too.

I would think carefully before going any further with this man and his crazy family. You might end up stuck with this for a very long time...

The more I am thinking about it, you would do your child a great disservice if you sever her ties to her loving and from the sounds of it doting grandparents, and get her into a family of utter nut-jobs!