Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband won't take any time off work.

28 replies

Kenickie · 31/08/2010 22:12

I have just returned from my parents home in the US after 5 weeks. My husband is now saying he is too busy at work to take time off to spend with the children, they go back to school on Monday. I am really annoyed as I could have stayed with my family (in the sun) a little longer. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to WANT to spend some time with us? He has a very generous holiday entitlement but rarely takes time off when the kids are off school, I am also really tired with fractious kids due to time differences.

OP posts:

minibmw2010 · 31/08/2010 22:16

So, did your husband spend 5 weeks in the US with you, or was he home alone while you were in the US with your children?

Original poster

Kenickie · 31/08/2010 22:17

He was home alone, and not working such long hours, in fact he seemed to have enough time on his hands then to play golf or go out with his friends.

OP posts:

clam · 31/08/2010 22:26

YANBU. did he not miss the kids (and you ) while you were away?

OTTMummA · 31/08/2010 22:28

selfishness is a trait i detest the most.

ThatVikRinA22 · 31/08/2010 22:28

yanbu - what is his job?

i would be quite pissed off.

Original poster

Kenickie · 31/08/2010 22:35

he works in IT, he can work from home, but only does when it suits him, never if I have a doctors appointment or something. He also doesn't often come to children's school plays. parents evenings etc. I know his job can at times be stressful, but I honestly feel like a single parent most of the time.

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 31/08/2010 23:00

do you live separate lives? he sounds very aloof.

have you talked to him?

Hassled · 31/08/2010 23:04

Is he generally a selfish tosser? Is he sometimes thoughtful and considerate?

Original poster

Kenickie · 31/08/2010 23:26

He is selfish, but things are pretty bad between us at the moment, I had hoped the time apart would make him realise how selfish he is being. He used to be very thoughtful and considerate and also very family orientated. We do lead pretty separate lives now because he travels a lot. I never wanted any of this.

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 31/08/2010 23:28

im sorry but if 5 weeks away havnt made him miss you or the kids i dont think he can be that bothered.
time for some serious talking i think.

seeyoukay · 31/08/2010 23:29

Just be bloody thankful that you got to spend 5 weeks in the US and quit whining.

franklampoon · 31/08/2010 23:32

seeyoukay that was very harshly put but I agree with the sentiments up to a point

Maylee · 31/08/2010 23:33

Sounds like you need to make a decision about whether to stay with a man like that or leave.....

franklampoon · 31/08/2010 23:35

sorry that was not helpful - you can appreciate 5 weeks in the US AND be pissed off he does not want to spend time with the kids.

But you cant make someone want to spend time with them, sadly

I'll get my coat, I'm being incredibly unhelpful

Original poster

Kenickie · 31/08/2010 23:37

it wasn't just a 5 week holiday, we were visiting family, sorting out our old house and passports etc.

VicarInaTuTu; that is exactly what I said to him, He just says work is important, which of course it is, but so are the children, I worry more about what they think although they are just happy to see all their friends. He didn't even send our youngest a birthday card while we were away.
:(

OP posts:

nameymcnamechange · 31/08/2010 23:38

Ignore that stupid ridiculous post from seeyouokay.

KickArseQueen · 31/08/2010 23:43

and the one from nameymcnamechange?

ThatVikRinA22 · 31/08/2010 23:43

he may just be very very clumsy when it comes to knowing what to do.

but not sending your child a birthday card - id be livid i think.

i think you need to tell him how unhappy you are over this. my DH was a bit like this - emotionally frozen - until i made plans to leave him. he bucked his ideas up then and i knew it was because he wanted to, not because i was nagging.

mrsfollowill · 31/08/2010 23:46

Was he happy for you all to be away for such a long time? Is it that he felt 'left out' and now thinks 'well why should I be here waiting for them?- I'll do what I like as I've done for the last five weeks' How old are your kids? IMO five weeks is a long time to be apart especially if you lead quite seperate lives. Did you discuss any of this before you went away? He will always be the DC's father but do you still want him as a husband? Did he raise any objections about you all being away such a length of time- did you contact each other? - calls/emails etc? whilst you were away? Are you having another family holiday together at some point? I think you do need to sit down and have a serious talk about your future.

mrsfollowill · 31/08/2010 23:48

I've just seen your post about not sending a birthday card to your DS! He is being a wanker

franklampoon · 31/08/2010 23:59

I have to comment on the card thing - my dh has a great relationship with our three kids but no way would he ever think to send a birthday card under your circumstances. Not sure I would either

Some people just don't do cards.

We dont give our children birthday cards, ever, in fact

Original poster

Kenickie · 01/09/2010 00:28

He isn't really a card person, but DS was looking forward to something arriving from England. I told my husband this and to just send something even though it would be late as DS was going on about it, but he never did. As I mentioned previously we have had some major problems in our marriage for the last 12 months, but why is he being so awful to the children, especially as he is the one that keeps saying how much he wants the family to stay together.

OP posts:

Emo76 · 01/09/2010 07:45

Does he work weekends? Can he spend some special time with them this coming weekend, on his own, taking them on an outing or something a bit different? Gosh men are hopeless sometimes re birthday cards etc yes even for their close family.

Not sure what line of work your husband is in, but if it is like mines, it is very much ebbs and flows and the work load is somewhat out of his hands.

I know you'd rather it wasn't that way, but try to think of what he CAN do given he clearly can't take the time off right now. I bet he missed you all whilst you were away - 5 weeks is a long time.

PosieParker · 01/09/2010 08:00

When I spend time abroad with the dcs my DH often gets naff all done and seems to go to the gym less and work less...

Lulumaam · 01/09/2010 08:01

he wants the family to stay together as long as he does not actually have to do anything, like be with the children..

you've been having problems and the 5 weeks apart have obviously given you pause for thought, and he has not given you all a second thought

he sounds selfish and self absorbed, and no signs of changing

not sending your own child a birthday card/gift is horrible

does not sound like much of a husband or fatehr to me

Flip

1 2