to not want everyone to visit within minutes of me giving birth

[nattiecake]

My DH and mum will (hopefully!) be with me for the birth. My dad will prob not be around at all as he will be starting work in Scotland soon (babas due in 4.5 weeks)

However when my nephew (DH's brothers son) was born, we all piled in to the delivery room about 10 mins after he was born. Not having any children then, it didnt occur to me that she would not want people there quite so soon after labour!!

I told my DH today that I want him to make sure that just me and him get some time with the baby straight after hes born, and that I dont want six million visitors before i even have chance to meet my baby myself. Especially as i want to breastfeed him and want chance to get used to doing this.

However I got the impression that he thought i was being very selfish (he obviously wouldnt say as much to a heavily pregnant lady, lol), and also made a point of saying "do you expect my mum to just leave after hes born, or is it different cause shes your mum?"

I do mean that i just want it to be lierally the two of us, for a short while at least, but I do also think that I would be much more comfy "bonding" with my mum and sisters being around than my inlaws and their extended family....

AIBU? and wheres the middle ground? ideally I'd like them to wait til we're home and hopefully even settled in (assuming all goes to plan) but i know that his family will be comparing this to last time, and i dont want anyone thinking im being precious, but i want time alone to get to know my first child....

When your baby arrives and you send your text birth announcement, can you add something along the lines of 'we're looking forward to getting to know our new baby for a few days and will be in touch when we are ready for visitors.'

YANBU wanting some time alone. Why not explain this to all the relatives, say of course thye are welcome to pop in and say hello but then you'd like some time alone with baby and to rest. Ask them to visit again once you're home and settled.

My best mate came round the evening we bought dd (pfb) home from the hospital with a bottle of Whiskey and wanted to get drunk. I had to explain that this was not a great idea with a 22 hr old baby to look after. Bless her, she meant well.

With DS1 I let people come onto delivery suite after a section, and then anyone come who wanted to in visiting hours.

With DS2 I learnt my lesson! I told the midwives that no one bar my husband, mum or son were allowed in at all during the 3 days I was in. I was shattered and really didnt want people piling in. I told them all they could come when I was at home.

so YANBU

YANBU!! I've heard of some people having visitors crowding straight into the delivery room but always wondered how exactly is that going to work, surely you still need to deliver the placenta and then maybe have stitches and that kind of thing? have a shower? Who wants the whole family piling in when you may be half naked and blood everywhere, it's just crazy! The next day once you are transferred to the postnatal ward then yes, welcome! but in the delivery suite?? Really people need to learn to wait just a bit! Anyway OP yanbu @ all and dh views about must treat both mothers equally is just not right, as someone said during pregnancy, labour etc it is very much about the mum not just the baby. It does not mean you will mistreat your mil and favour the other granny, just because you do not want her there during birth or 5 minutes after, dh ridiculous to suggest this

What firawla said.
DD was a fairly straightforward birth, and it was still an hour or two after her birth before I would've been physically ready for visitors - first I had my stitches done, then a bath, then some toast. You'll really be grateful for a bit of space for yourself, let alone the bonding time.

Don't get this obsession with seeing the baby RIGHT AWAY... it's not like the baby's going to remember, and it will still be all purple and wrinkly (and spotty in DDs case) for some time.

diddl Tue 31-Aug-10 18:56:43
"do you expect my mum to just leave after hes born, or is it different cause shes your mum?"

Don´t understand that.

TBH, if you are not wanting visitors as you want a quiet time with baby and husband then I think it would be fair to ask your mum not to stay long.

sorry, i meant "do you expect your mum to leave, or is it different cause shes your mum"
and the answer is that yes i would expect my mum to leave. i would expect her to know that we need time alone with the baby, and would feel comfortable telling her if she didnt get the hint

yanbu.

Don't muck about with this. It's up to you when people can visit. Don't let people barge in until you feel up to it, whether that is 2 hours, 2 days or 2 weeks. IME visitors after birth are over-rated and not very welcome.

I'm just envious of those of you who have limited visiting hours on your maternity wards. Ours was 8am - 8pm and I didn't get a break.

And OP, YA definitely NBU. My mom & DH were my birthing partners and after the 24 hour traumatic extravaganza that was my labour, my mom left almost immediately because she was shattered anyway. DH was a bit too quick to invite ILs to visit and they were there as we arrived on the maternity ward and stayed too long - too much, too soon.

Nattie, If you don't put your foot down on this one you will regret it.

I had people piling in the delivery suite when dd2 was 15mins old, to be blunt I was sitting in a pool of blood naked from the waist down covered only with a sheet. Not the way I want to be viewed by visitors who are picking up my baby and I was effectivley stuck to the bed by lack of decency if I moved!! They came back once I was moved to the ward, I was supposed to be resting - I got none.

With dd1 they had turned up when she was 1 hr old and did the same thing.

Make a sign and stick it on the Del. suite door. "Visitors not Welcome". Tell the midwife and tell her you expect some of the family to try to get in, write it in your birth plan that you don't want visitors.

When I went in to had ds1 (dc3) I sent a text round that said something on the lines of " Hi all I am now on the way in to the hospital and hopefully this is it! We will keep in touch and try to keep you all up to date by text we are hoping to have a little time alone with our new baby once he/she is born and when we are home we will let you know when we are up for visitors. Love you all hope to be texting good news soon."

I know some people think its being mean to not allow others in to see the new baby straight away, but they had their time with their babies, I have a busy house full of people/children, those few hours in the del suite with no 3 and no 4 are very cherished memories.

Good luck with your labour. ( and your inlaws!!)

KickArseQueen, I will steal that I think.

Say what you want - it really can affect things later. i still feel resentment at PILs for their post birth visit and behaviour even though they are getting much better. It has very strongly affected my feelings about them and dh and I have rowed about it.

YANBU. In fact, I thought that it was the norm for only the birth partner to be allowed into the labour/ delivery ward , and that visiting in the maternity ward was very tightly restricted? Am astounded by tales of aunties and in-laws descending minutes after the birth!

Nattiecakes- I'd put it to your husband like this. If he can come up with any circumstances in which he is constrained to a blood- (and possibly urine-) covered bed, with genitals uncovered, leaking blood,and awaiting stitching having spent hours pushing a melon-sized object out of said genitals, and he would be happy for his mother-in-law to be in the room, then his opinion would be valid.

DuelingFanjo, please feel free.

But I have to say that Inertia's second paragraph is very very valid

You're having a baby FFS, not brain surgery - you can cope with a few visitors surely.

Relax and dont worry about it.

Maylee, you don't have a baby every day, its not wrong to want to savour a small amount of time with your baby before you have to "entertain" so as to speak.

I didn't worry about it the 1st time - it didn't occur to me as a problem. After my experiences after dd1 and dd2 I would have to say that turning up at the delivery suite or to the ward afterwards if you haven't been invited is an intrusion and frequently an unwelcome

" you can cope with a few visitors surely." But if you don't want to why should you??

If you've spent potentially years yearning for a baby, and 9 months coking it to perfection shouldn't you be allowed at least a small amount of time with your new baby, getting to know them and bonding and just revelling in the fact that they are here and beautiful, teeny tiny hands teeny tiny eyelashes, so small and perfect everything is fine and we 2 are now 3 etc ...

Yes that bang on the door is an intrusion.

If I've had no sleep for 2 days given birth etc why should I have to "cope" with visitors? I just want to ignore the world for a few hours and stare at my baby..........................Its not wrong to want to do that. :)

sorry, I haven't "coked" any babies, please do read as cooked but obviously not in the literal sense

Totally agree that having M and MIL there are two totally different scenarios.

Your Mum is there to support you, through what could be one of the most painful parts of your life. She is not there as a spectator, but as a vital support for you.

However, your MIL is only going to be there as a spectator. Therefore, this makes it a very different scenario.

They are coming for two different purposes, and so needs to be judged accordingly. As Inertia points out, when your husband is the one going through hours of pain, traumatic stress on the body to be left in an embarrassing mess afterwards, then he can call the shots. Until then, You do.

I agree with the previous poster to write it in your notes that you want no visitors afterwards, and hopefully use the midwives to keep any unwanted guests away until you are ready. Of course, you could have a fantastic birth and be ready for guests within an hour, you may even want to show off your baby to the whole world.... or things might not go according to plan, and you may need the extra time. You won't know until after the birth, so just tell your husband that you will let visitors come as soon as you feel you have recovered enough from the birth.

Incidentally, my hospital really restricted visitors after the birth, as they recognised that it is a traumatic time and the mother needs to recover. They would never have allowed the ILs to all pile in in the way you describe.

No, nothing wrong with any of that Kickarse. Guess for me (coming from a close knit, loud family) having them descend on you ASAP after the birth is part and parcel of family life.

Appreciate not everyone feels that way though.

I don't think Close knit families mean anything as to whether you feel comfortable for having family round.

I have a very close knit family. I see my parents and grandparents 2-3 times every week. I have keys to both houses, go on holiday with my mum and dad 2/3 times a year, and we all live within a ten mile radius of each other. We are a close family, but apart from my parents, not one of my family members came to see me in hospital. This was due to the fact that they appreciated that I was in hospital to recover from the birth, it wasn't a holiday - I was recovering. When I was well and came out of hospital, they visited then, actually after a couple of weeks, because although they wanted to see the children, they didn't want to pile on the pressure and want me to recover fully before having to deal with visitors.

This may however be influenced by the fact that I didn't have easy births. I suspect one's birth experiences will colour one's opinion on this issue.

does brain surgery often require you to be awake for days on end? because two of my deliveries did, and i literally passed out from exhaustion.

you're often talking about people who've had major abdominal surgery after being up for many hours and may also have had a failed ventouse or forceps delivery which means their nether regions are full of stitches.

My many in laws descended as soon as they possibly could after the birth despite requests not to. SIL had a baby in July and I still haven't seen her. Not that I'm bothered about seeing her but one rule for them... Things will be very different next time.

Do what you feel happy with. In the hours after the birth it's all about you and your welfare. Cooing over the baby can come later.

"This may however be influenced by the fact that I didn't have easy births. I suspect one's birth experiences will colour one's opinion on this issue."

Not necessarily.

I had 2 easy births, but didn´t want to see anyone until the next day-apart from husband that is.

Can I just ask why people want mums as well as husbands at the birth?

Mine get on but I still couldn´t have imagined them together in that scenario.

OP, I think your main "problem" is that your mum will be there iyswim.

After I had my first, parents were phoned & told that they could visit the next day.

Aargghh - I really hate this idea that if you don't want loads of people at your bed-side after giving birth then you can't be from a close knit family. Everyone is different and I'm certainly not as close to all my in-laws as I am to my own family and even though I love my own family I will still be wanting some time alone after the birth.

tell them that you are only allowed visitors on the ward durging visiting hours and also only 2/3 at a time. the space around your bed is very limited and you have to remember there will also be other mums around.
i remember when having my first ds the girl opposite had about 6 people visit her at 1 time. i found this very hard esp trying to breastfeed and baby blues setting in big time. i buzzed the midwife( as had epidual and coulndn't move) and asked if she could move some of her visitors. she was only allowed 3 at a time. the family were very understanding

YANBU at all.

From experience, all visitors arrive when your trying to feed your new LO. With DH and my mum, I was happy to sit there topless. Avoid visitors where you can, at least warn that they may need to wait outside on arrival for 30 mins. I didn't enjoy the added pressure of knowing there were people waiting to get in and LO still not having had a proper feed.

DH's tend to focus on the baby and forgot about you, hence mothers serve a purpose. You're the one doing the hard work after all. Also mine (DH) was just completely not prepared for how long and painful it could be (my mother on the other hand waited patiently outside, knowing full well it would be a long one, like only mothers can. she even crashed at ours for the night).

In hindight, I wish I cared less about DH's feelings and just said what I wanted to have (which wasn't him). That goes for the first few weeks as well. It's hard when they want to be involved and this society seems to have told our DHs they should be involved in feeding in order to 'bond'. They need telling before hand that they get to bond by nappy changing etc.

I had to go theatre to be stitched up after, so I told DH to phone the ILs. They came while I was out, and got DH to tell them they weren't allowed to the post ward. Worked out well for me.

Good luck