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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want everyone to visit within minutes of me giving birth

82 replies

nattiecake · 31/08/2010 16:53

My DH and mum will (hopefully!) be with me for the birth. My dad will prob not be around at all as he will be starting work in Scotland soon (babas due in 4.5 weeks)

However when my nephew (DH's brothers son) was born, we all piled in to the delivery room about 10 mins after he was born. Not having any children then, it didnt occur to me that she would not want people there quite so soon after labour!!

I told my DH today that I want him to make sure that just me and him get some time with the baby straight after hes born, and that I dont want six million visitors before i even have chance to meet my baby myself. Especially as i want to breastfeed him and want chance to get used to doing this.

However I got the impression that he thought i was being very selfish (he obviously wouldnt say as much to a heavily pregnant lady, lol), and also made a point of saying "do you expect my mum to just leave after hes born, or is it different cause shes your mum?"

I do mean that i just want it to be lierally the two of us, for a short while at least, but I do also think that I would be much more comfy "bonding" with my mum and sisters being around than my inlaws and their extended family....

AIBU? and wheres the middle ground? ideally I'd like them to wait til we're home and hopefully even settled in (assuming all goes to plan) but i know that his family will be comparing this to last time, and i dont want anyone thinking im being precious, but i want time alone to get to know my first child....

OP posts:
LucyLouLou · 31/08/2010 17:39

piglet, my name is Lucy, but I'm assuming you're saying that to me?

I don't think the OP is actually meaning the extended family, but even if she was, it's still up to her. If she wants the ILs to visit once she's home with her LO, that's her right to say so. But I really don't think that's what she's saying.

Original poster
nattiecake · 31/08/2010 17:41

Just to clarify, I wouldnt purposely have my sisters in before the inlaws, i just meant that i'd be comfy with them there at any point, when i might not necessarily want people i barely know around. for example when i am feeding...

OP posts:
LucyLouLou · 31/08/2010 17:43

I think it makes a world of difference, nattie, that you are not very close to these people. If they don't know you well, it's completely unreasonable for them to even think they should come into the delivery room.

pigletmania · 31/08/2010 18:05

Sorry Lucy i was typing whilst trying a boisterous 3 year old was jumping all around. I disagree the baby is a part of both of them so they should both have a say and compromise. Just for the record i had my MIL with me at the birth of dd as well as dh as my mum would have run about like a headless chicken and gotten all panicky ad worried which I did not want. Nattie I understad about the feeding bit, I would not feel comfortable either. Good idea to invest in a hooter hider when feeding espcially when you are new at it and getig used to it all. Good luck with it all Smile

narkypuffin · 31/08/2010 18:06

YANBU It's more about closeness than ILs vs blood family. If you're comfortable being semi nude (to establish BF) around someone and know you can tell them to bugger off or give back the baby when you need to then you'll be more likely to want them to visit.

I'm sure there are people here who have that relationship with their MILs and people who don't have it with their own mothers. What matters is that you don't end up stressed and upset when you're already exhausted and need to relax for your body to start producing milk.

narkypuffin · 31/08/2010 18:07

OMFG a hooter hider!!! How can you establish feeding when you can't see what you're doing!

Original poster
nattiecake · 31/08/2010 18:11

Not a fan of the hooter hider, lol, silly things! I have no probs with nudity per se and am sure i'll be fine once its established, its just that awkward stage when i dont know what im doing and baba is new that im concerned about, IYSWIM??

OP posts:
pigletmania · 31/08/2010 18:13

When out and about in public, better than nekkid norks on show if baby suddenly pulls off Grin. would definitely buy one if we are lucky enough to have a second dc.

pigletmania · 31/08/2010 18:15

or if you are not all that confident about bf in public or around people you are not comfortable with. My FIL burst in on me when was expressing Blush and the door was closed. he wanted to ask where something was

pigletmania · 31/08/2010 18:15

would have loved a hooter hider than he got more than he bargained for [gri]

narkypuffin · 31/08/2010 18:22

Maybe stick with your mother and DH for the birth and see how you feel at the time when it comes to visitors. You're likely to be in less than 24 hrs and it might be easier to have that time with just your DH (after your mother leaves) and have visitors once you're home. Having your sisters visit and not your MIL might be pushing it a bit.

It sounds like you're worried about extended family turning up before the placenta and that's definitely NBU. Tell DH exactly what your fears are rather than just saying no and he might be more understanding.

Once you're cleaned up and have had tea and toast you might even decide you'd like to have visitors.

narkypuffin · 31/08/2010 18:25

Sorry Pigletmania, agree that they can help if you're feeling self-conscious, just think they're not the best for trying to get good latch.

pigletmania · 31/08/2010 18:27

Narky would not use one at home or where i was comfortable, but on a bus Grin. Good idea narky, just have the two of you in hospital than visitors at home where youa are in more familiar enviroment.

Minxie1977 · 31/08/2010 18:28

YANBU to not want hoardes but I think compromise is the key with the DM thing. Baby is both of yours and (presumably) you both love your DM's equally. Not just your call IMO

narkypuffin · 31/08/2010 18:31

Did your FIL learn to knock Grin

pigletmania · 31/08/2010 18:32

No unfortuately no. He is from Italy and does not have the same etiquette as uk. It fills me with Blush just thinking of it

NinthWave · 31/08/2010 18:33

We just didn't tell anyone I was in labour. They all got a phone call after the birth, and were told that I was going to sleep and we were looking for a 6 hour discharge, so they could come round to the house that evening if they wanted to. It worked really well as I got to sleep for a few hours!

LilRedWG · 31/08/2010 18:40

I was in for a week when DD was born. She was born at lunch time and during the evening visiting hours my parents, MIL and SIL visited and then others over the week or so we were in. There is no way I would have had anyone there imediately after the birth. I had a planned section too - and we didn't tell anyone when it was booked for.

We then told everybody the we did not want any visitors at home for the first two days and after that we limited the amount. It will be the same this time. DH, DD, the baby and me at home in peace for a couple of days with no disturbances.

LilRedWG · 31/08/2010 18:40

So, no YANBU.

diddl · 31/08/2010 18:40

Surely the thing is to go to hospital with birthpartners only.

Then when you feel like it after baby has been born, husband phones people & tells them when they can visit?

I don´t think you can have MIL there straight away just because your mum will be there tbh.

OTTMummA · 31/08/2010 18:41

the baby is part of both of them, but its the mother who has to deal with the labour, birth, recovery, pain, BF, hormones etc, so no, however logically unfair some people think the OP is being, she is not.
If she feels something like this will effect her recovery/relationship in anyway she should have the final say, end off.

expatinscotland · 31/08/2010 18:45

you don't need to compromise jack! only when you're having a baby, a deeply personal thing involving your private bits, is it expected you should put up with being on show.

be firm and the midwives on your side.

NO visitors.

tbh, if i had a husband who didn't respect my right to privacy and need for space after such an inimate time in my life, he wouldn't be at the birth, either because i'd never have expected him to entertain my parents and other visitors whilst in the recovery room after his vasectomy.

BrandyAlexander · 31/08/2010 18:48

I never understand these posts where the father insists that both mothers be treated equally. I totally understand that AFTER the child is born and out of hospital then you should treat them equally but before then, that time (labour and immediately afterwards) isn't about the baby, its about the mother. I had a difficult labour and struggled to establish breastfeeding and I would have been pretty resentful if the situation had been made worse by the immediate attendance of the entire family in the delivery suite or post natal ward!

We didn't tell anyone (other than my mother, also co-birth partner) that I was in labour, and just called/sent them all a text a few hours afterwards.

Katey1010 · 31/08/2010 18:52

I am having similar issues. My DH got on board though when I asked if he really thought I would be comfortable with his dad seeing my norks. The fact is, my family have all seen me naked/throwing up/pooping/screaming and his haven't. Not recently but YKWIM. I love my MIL and FIL but I don't want to flash body parts at them and I'm not sure my DH would want me to either.

Also, I get that family is family but I would/can tell mine to f off if they are annoying me or I am hormonal or tired. I wouldn't want to do that to DH's. So, actually, it is partly about being nicer to them than to my own. Grin

diddl · 31/08/2010 18:56

"do you expect my mum to just leave after hes born, or is it different cause shes your mum?"

Don´t understand that.

TBH, if you are not wanting visitors as you want a quiet time with baby and husband then I think it would be fair to ask your mum not to stay long.

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